Torch Red: Color Me Torn with Bonus Content (16 page)

I shake my head. “Not hardly.”

“And I suppose I could excuse Todd if he promises not to do anything like that again.”

Now I feel like screaming and I’m wondering if I should just come out and tell her the rest of the story.

“I mean Hilary forgave Bill, didn’t she? I suppose I could—”

“Look, Emily,” I say suddenly. “You may hate me for saying this, but I can’t keep pretending.”

“What?”

“Well, I personally think that what Todd and Shawna did the first time was bad enough, but I actually walked in on them a second time.”

Her blue eyes grow wide now. “They did it again?”

“Not exactly,” I tell her. “This time they were actually having sex, you know, the old-fashioned way.”

She closes her eyes and lets out a small groan.

“I’m sorry,” I tell her quickly. “And you probably hate me. But I can’t lie to you. I wouldn’t have said anything if you hadn’t called today. But, believe me, Emily, Todd
is
cheating on you.”

“You actually saw them, Zoë?” Her tone is challenging again, like she thinks I could imagine this kind of thing.

“Look, Emily. I wish I hadn’t seen it. Now I’m really ticked at Shawna too. And I thought she was my friend. Now I think she’s almost as much of a jerk as Todd.”

“Almost?”

“Well, at least Shawna isn’t going with anyone else. What Todd did with her was a big slap in your face.”

Now Emily starts crying and I feel terrible for being so blunt. “I’m sorry,” I tell her.

She uses a paper napkin to blot her eyes. “It’s not your fault, Zoë.”

“I know, but the whole thing just sucks.”

She continues to cry without talking and I’m feeling really uncomfortable. Finally I tell her that he’s not worth it, that he’s a jerk, and she should just break up with him. I actually think that she’s listening and might even agree. Then she speaks.

“But don’t you see?” She looks at me like I should get it, but I really don’t. “Todd is my first. And I really do love him, Zoë. I honestly thought he and I would be together always. I mean my parents met while they were still in high school and they got married and it’s worked for them.”

“I think that’s pretty rare,” I tell her.

“Maybe, but I really thought it could happen.”

“Todd doesn’t deserve you, Emily.”

Then she looks up at me with watery eyes and says, “Do you think I could’ve held on to him if I’d been willing to, well, you know, do more of that stuff with him? I mean like Shawna does? Do you think I was too boring?”

“Oh, Emily!” I sigh in complete exasperation. “How can you even think that? And if it’s true, well, doesn’t it just prove what a total jerk-faced idiot he is?”

“I don’t know.”

And so it went with us. We sat in the food court of the mall just going back and forth about things like monogamy and fidelity and what’s okay and what’s not. And, let me tell you, by the time we finished we were just as confused as when we started. No, let me change that, we were
more
confused.

It’s like nothing really makes any sense when it comes to sex. It’s like all the lines get blurry and fuzzy and a girl can’t figure out what’s right or wrong or anything in between. And the truth is that most of the messages I’m getting are saying that it’s
no big deal
, that
I should just go for it and be like those good-looking and popular girls who star in
Friends.
Not that I’m saying they’re tramps in their real lives, but if you add up how many guys they’ve all slept with on TV you’d probably hit triple digits.

But here’s what’s really troubling me most of all: I’m thinking that when it comes to sex, it’s the girls who get hurt. Oh, I don’t mean physically, although from what I hear, they don’t make out too well there either. But I mean emotionally, socially, even financially (look at Shannon). In every sexual relationship I can think of (even in Thea’s and Kirsti’s, even though they act like it’s no big deal when their boyfriends do something sleazy) it’s the girls who come out hurting. And I’ve got to ask myself, what’s up with that? And how is that fair?

So to say that I’m feeling more confused than ever is no exaggeration. And now I’m pretty worried about my promise to Justin about doing something “special” with him next weekend. And now I’m thinking that I should consider this whole thing more carefully, before it’s too late to just say “no.”

Not that I’m planning to say “no.” But if I do go along as planned, if I do agree to have sex with him, then I want to know that I’m doing it for all the right reasons. And right now, I’m just not too sure. But I will say this, I’m really thankful this weekend went the way it did. I’m
so
glad that Justin had SATs and his college visit while my parents were away. I mean who knows what might’ve happened otherwise?

A
S
I
ENTER THE AUDITORIUM FOR REHEARSALS
, N
ATE WALKS UP TO ME AND
says, “I’ve really been praying for you, Zoë.”

“Huh?” I look at him like he’s got a big green booger hanging from his nose.

“Well, it was weird, I just got this really strong feeling that I should pray for you this weekend. And so I did.”

“You actually
prayed
for me?” Now I feel kind of worried, like, what’s this supposed to mean? Does Nate think I’m some kind of a freaky chick who needs to be prayed for? I mean if he’s going to pray for someone, he should pray for someone like Shawna or Todd. Now those two are seriously messed up and probably in need of prayer. But, of course, I don’t say this.

“Yeah. Maybe I shouldn’t even tell you about it, but I just wondered if everything’s going okay with you?”

“Sure.” I feel uneasy. “Everything’s just fine.”

He smiles. “Good.”

Good? I think it’s kind of disturbing, not to mention weird. I mean Nate’s a nice guy, but I don’t really like the idea of him praying for me. Then I remember Shannon and I wonder if it might have had something to do with her. So I tell him about my strange overnight guest and how she took off the next day. And he seems really interested.

“That is so cool, Zoë,” he says with what seems like genuine admiration. “I can’t believe you’d do something like that.”

“Why not?” Suddenly I feel kind of sad about the whole thing. “But I was sort of disappointed when she left like that. It seemed so sudden.”

“But it sounds like she was going to do something to get off the streets,” he says. “You might’ve saved her life.”

I shrug now. “Oh, I doubt that.”

“Really, Zoë, maybe that’s why I was praying for you. Maybe God was using you to help her.”

“Maybe.” But I’m really thinking,
yeah, sure, how could God use me?
I mean I don’t even give God the time of day. Still, it does make me wonder.

“Well, I’ll be sure to pray for Shannon now.”

I nod. “Yeah, that’d be good.”

Rehearsal goes worse than usual today, like no one can get it together, and I can tell Mr. Roberts is getting seriously aggravated. Finally, he decides to call it a night and sends us all home. But not before he gives us a little lecture about how we need to take this thing seriously and how we have only four more weeks to get our acts together.

“How was the campus visit?” I ask Justin as he drives me home.

“Okay, I guess.”

“Do you think you want to go there?”

“Maybe, but I don’t really know why my dad’s so set on it. Well, other than the fact that he went there. The only good thing I can see is that I’d only be a couple hours from home.”

“That’s great,” I say in a cheerful voice. “Maybe I could even come up and visit you sometime.”

He nods.

“And how about your SATs?” I ask. “You never said how that went.”

He kind of frowns. “Who knows?”

“Well, did you feel okay about it?”

“Not really.”

“Don’t worry. I always feel the worst about the tests I end up acing.”

“But you’re a better student than I am.”

I feel surprised by this. “How do you know that?”

He shrugs. “I can tell.”

Now I’m feeling bad for him. He really seems down. “You shouldn’t think about it too much, Justin,” I tell him. “It won’t do any good to worry.”

He nods. “Yeah, you’re right.” Then he brightens. “Are we still on for Saturday night?”

I really want to tell him that I’m still thinking this whole thing over, but then I hate to disappoint him, especially when he’s already feeling so bummed right now. “Sure,” I say. “Looking forward to it.”

Then he reaches over and places his hand on my knee, giving it a little squeeze. “Me too.”

And so the week progresses with Justin and me. Hard play rehearsals, quick make-out sessions behind the scenes, small talk as we ride home together. Then the same old same old the next day. Am I getting bored with him? I’m not sure. Maybe I’m just looking for an excuse to bail on Saturday night. I don’t know.

On Thursday, Casey stumbles upon Justin and me making out behind one of the straw bales that we’re using for part of the set.

“I am getting so sick of this,” she says as we pull ourselves apart.

“Huh?” I mutter without looking her in the eyes.

“Everyone sneaking around and kissing and stuff. You’d think they put something in the school’s water.”

Justin laughs as he pulls a piece of straw from my hair. “Yeah, someone dumped love potion into the Hamilton High water system. Don’t you ever drink water, Casey?”

She just rolls her eyes and walks off. And, even though I know Casey is kind of a nerd, I still feel guilty about getting caught like this. It reminds me of the times I walked in on Shawna and Todd. Thankfully that hasn’t happened lately. In fact, I haven’t even seen them hanging together. I wonder if Emily’s little talk with Todd did some good after all.

Still, I think if I had to confront a boyfriend about something like that, well, what would be the use? Why not just lose the loser? I wonder what I’d do if Justin did that to me? He’s a pretty cool boyfriend, but I don’t think I’d stick around and take it like that. At least I hope I wouldn’t. I’m not sure why Emily doesn’t just give Todd his walking papers.

Justin has to leave early today for some family thing, and I am left on my own for the remainder of practice, which also means I need to figure out a way to get home. I’d consider asking Shawna, but I’ve been really avoiding her this week. Actually, she might be avoiding me too.

I find a quiet corner during one of my breaks and think I might actually catch a quick nap when I am joined by Casey. I brace myself as she starts to chatter at me. As expected, it’s her usual lecture about how she is saving herself for that special guy and her wedding night.
And I suppose I deserve this abuse after getting caught by her behind the hay bale, but finally I decide that enough is enough!

“Look,” I say to her, hoping I can cut this off. “I’m really sorry you found Justin and me kissing back there, but it really doesn’t have anything to do with you, okay?”

“Oh, I know that, Zoë,” she says, like she’s Miss Congeniality. “But like I’ve said, you seem like a nice girl, and I don’t get why you’d want to mess around with someone like Justin.”