Torn (21 page)

“Can’t he speak for himself?” I asked, although I knew I sounded like a maniac.

Scott shrugged defensively. “I can. I don’t know what happened. He and I went
out
 
on
patrol. The next thing I knew, he was gone, and my face had been bashed in. And I don’t like the tone you’re using. I don’t like the insinuation. Get control before you kill us all—
Or
is that your plan?”

At his words I bowed to the darkness inside me and allowed it to overtake me. With a hideous wail, I jumped up, stretching out my arms. The whole room ripped apart. Light bulbs flashed and shattered, windows caved in, tables and chairs slammed against the wall, and in the middle of it all was me. I couldn’t stop it.

The opening of wings and drawing of swords was barely audible over the deadly ruckus. Everyone was on the floor, except for Ethan, who was the only one not looking at me like I needed to be taken down. He was thinking. Alarm bells were obviously ringing in his head. Putting his hands up to hold back those whom had started to rise against me, he slowly turned to face me. Tears streamed down my face, but he didn’t look away in fear like before. Instead, he stood before me with a steady, calming courage. I couldn’t bring myself to meet his gaze or hide the contempt on my face.

“Samantha, look at me. It’s Ethan. You don’t have to do this. This isn’t your fault. This isn’t you. I know you. I know what’s inside you and it isn’t this. This isn’t who you are meant to be.”

I backed away from him. I was scared because this destruction was all
mine
. I couldn’t blame it on an outside me. I was still whole and completely disturbed. Branna was standing, sword in hand, waiting for my next move. I lazily flicked my wrist and the sword clanked to the floor. I turned and saw Noah step toward me. With a look I sent him flying back ten feet. They’d all retreated a bit, and I knew they were trying to communicate with each other silently. I held up a hand and the room filled with the deafening buzz that’d plagued me the last few months. I watched them all, one by one, fall to their knees, ears covered in protest. I walked over to Ethan and held my hands over his ears so he didn’t have to suffer.

Reaching up and gently brushing my hair from my eyes, he cupped my face in his hands and touched his lips to mine. The chaos ceased to stir, the hum silenced and light filled the room. The rage slowly receded and my vision cleared. He looked like everything an angel should be. Every instinct in my body wanted me to hate him for it.

His blue eyes pooled to infinity, and for a moment I allowed myself to get lost in them. Control slowly returned, and I was left, standing in the middle of the kitchen with Ethan. Destruction was all around us. Unable to speak, I mouthed, “Help me,” and collapsed in his arms.

CHAPTER 17

Ethan carried me to my room. I heard him turn off the lights in my room and draw the curtains. He did something to my iPod as a playlist of quiet, reflective music began to soothe me. My head pounded so much I couldn’t open my eyes. I heard him settle himself into the easy chair near my bed and felt him trying to calm me. I smelled his fear and a part of me reveled in it.

I was stuck in the battle that raged on inside my head. The darkest parts of me had grown stronger and fought against all that was good and right within me. The temptation to allow them to take over was powerful and consuming. I was more aware than ever of the choice I must make and more informed as to the difficulty I would have making it. It wasn’t enough to want to stay Faithful. It wasn’t enough to pretend it would all work out. I had to fight. I had to fight physically, emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. I had to fight for what was good. No wonder so many had joined Sebastian and his followers. It was ingrained in all of us to fall.
To take the easy road.
To fail.

I surprised myself when I finally decided to speak. “I am tired of being stuck between two worlds. I don’t know if I am strong enough to fight this. Everything crashes into me and I lose myself. I don’t even know who I am anymore.”

“You’re a girl,” Ethan said. “An angel, who was thrust into this without being
informed
.
Without choice.
You’re Samantha English, a woman I’ve known my whole life. A woman I’ve protected my whole life. A woman I’m not allowed to love as I want to.”

My throat dried at his words. “You love me?”

“Aww, Sam. You know I do. Jesse said he told you what I am. It’s my duty to protect you, to keep you safe and I can’t do that if I allow myself to get lost in what I feel for you. I always assumed it wouldn’t be an issue since you and Lucas always seemed to have a ‘thing.’” He shifted in the chair as if he was trying to get comfortable. “The more it became apparent to me that, regardless of whatever feelings were out there, it would never happen, that you two would always be better as best friends, the more I allowed myself to test my emotions. And I can’t protect you like that. Not like this.”

Eerily, a haunting version of “Hallelujah” began to play and I shivered at the irony. Ethan was right. He and I couldn’t be together, at least not now. Not until I cleared my head, fought the fight I’d been prepped for, and saved Lucas.
Maybe then.
Only then.

“They must hate me.”

“They don’t hate you. They were caught off guard. We all knew your emotions were unstable. No one ever could’ve predicted what happened, though.”

“I know you’re right, Ethan. I feel it everywhere inside of me that you’re right. I’m so sorry about all of this. I never meant to hurt anyone. I just had no control in the kitchen. And that’s what they’ve been saying all along, huh?
That I have no control.
That’s why they’re so scared of me, wary of me. I should have listened better. You must be disappointed in me.”

Crawling into the bed with me, he wrapped his arms around me, and whispered, “I could never be disappointed in you, Sam.
Never.
You are everything. You’re stuck between worlds, and we’ll find a way for you to break free.”

“Okay, Ethan. Get me ready. But it better be soon. I can’t guarantee how long I can keep this inside me. Whatever is going on has awakened something within me that wants to be unleashed. I want to be able to control it so I can point it in the right direction. I can’t promise you anything other than that I will try.
For you.
I will try for you and for Lucas and for my father.”

“I know you will. Now get some sleep. We have a lot to think about.”

His gentle kiss left me feeling sad. I could feel the pain he was in. I could feel the how torn he was over his feelings. For the first time, I concentrated on pulling the pain from him. I let it fill me up and consume me as the tension slowly left his beautiful face.

He drifted off while I mulled things over in my head. There was no way I would put anyone else in danger. If I couldn’t control my outbursts, which were becoming more and more frequent and evermore dangerous, then I needed to figure out a way to do it all by myself. What if I had hurt Ethan? What if I had hurt someone else?

I needed to focus on finding Lucas. With every minute that passed, the more frightened I became. What if we couldn’t find him? What if we couldn’t save him? I couldn’t live with myself if I caused pain to anyone else.

Samantha.

The knot in my stomach doubled in size at the sound of the voice that only I could hear. Not sure how to respond, I closed my eyes and let my father’s voice seep in.

That’s it Samantha. It’s your turn now. It’s up to you to find Lucas. It’s up to you to end this.

Dad
?
But how
?
How do I find him
?
How do I end this
?

The necklace, Samantha.
Put it on and it will lead you to him. They have the box. You must find Lucas and get it back. You cannot defeat them without the box. Be careful. Once you’re wearing the necklace, they will be able to find you, the Faithful and the Exiled. Until then, disappear. When you find them, put it on. If they take you, all will be lost.

Lost? What would happen if they took me? I didn’t fully understand. It felt like even my father was speaking cryptically. Regardless, I became resolute in my decision. I knew what needed to be done.

I waited until I was sure Ethan was asleep and the house was quiet before I slipped out from under his arms. I turned to watch him for a moment, brushing the hair out of his eyes and softly kissing him on the forehead. Then I quietly reached under the bed and pulled out my duffle. Time became a blur as I focused only on what I was about to do.

I dressed quietly, pulling on a pair of worn jeans and a black tank. I tugged on my favorite boots. Moving silently to the closet, I took out the leather jacket my dad gave me for my sixteenth birthday. He’d said it was my mom’s. It was worn in and fit me like a glove. I smelled the leather and the faint scent of the life I’d left behind. The life I could never go back to. I opened the top drawer of my dresser and pulled out the emerald green pouch. I felt like I wasn’t supposed to put it on yet so I stuffed it into the pocket of my jeans. I reached under the bed and retrieved my sword. The weight of it pulled at my heart. On the way out the door I lifted my iPod off its speaker dock and plugged in the ear buds.

I took one last look at Ethan before I slid out the door, down the stairs, and outside.

CHAPTER 18

There wasn’t much time before daybreak and I needed to be careful. I knew the others were patrolling the area, probably still out looking for Lucas. Annoyance rose a bit before I tamped it down. Did I actually think, after today, they’d let me in on any of their plans to find him? They probably didn’t want anything to do with me, and I didn’t really blame them.

I shook off as much of the negativity as I could and focused on something Jesse had said earlier. I remembered my dad had mentioned it as well, about me being able to move about without detection. I had no idea how to do it though, so all I could think to do was concentrate on being invisible, the same way I had when I trained with Lucas and Ethan. It was by concentrating on removing obstacles that they would disappear. Maybe all that focus training was for a reason.

I slipped behind a bush near the side of the house and glanced at my watch. One of the patrols should be headed back soon. I knew they were trying to keep someone at the house at all times while the others searched the area. I sat back on my heels and focused on being undetectable. It wasn’t long before I was able to test out my theory.

Christian and Mara were walking up the driveway. I waited until they were close enough and stepped out from behind my hiding place. I was standing no more than twenty feet from them but they couldn’t see me. I moved closer.
Ten feet.
They still had no idea I was there. It wasn’t until I walked past them and brushed up against Mara that she looked around.

What was that
?
Am I imagining things
?

Wow! I could hear her thoughts.

A look of confused worry was etched on her otherwise beautiful face. They still couldn’t see me. Satisfied, I smiled to myself. If I wasn’t responsible for trying to save the world, I would’ve made one hell of a hide and seek partner. I quickened my step and headed for the cover of the woods.

Darkness blanketed everything. I didn’t really know where to go other than to the cliff Jesse had taken me to.
The one from my dreams.
I relied on instinct, the one part of my training I’d always managed to get right. I stayed off the path as a precaution even though I was pretty sure no one could tell where I was. After all that had gone wrong, I didn’t want to take any chances. A terrible feeling plagued me, and I knew what happened next would be messy and destructive. But even so, I would do what I could to find Lucas, save him, and annihilate anything, or anyone, that got in my way.

The night was quiet. It gave me the time I needed to reflect on everything that’d happened.

On one hand, the Faithful strived to maintain order and made up for the sins of others by preventing the Exiled from gaining any more control. They were fighting a losing battle because on the other hand, the Exiled flashed temptation, riches, fame, and lust in the faces of those hungry for any opportunity to self-satisfy. Part of me couldn’t fathom why I couldn’t commit. The obvious, right choice was for me to fight along side Ethan, Jesse, and the others. The right choice was for me to meet Sebastian head on and avenge my father’s death. But it was the whole avenging thing that cut me out of the Faithful loop. However, if I were a true Exiled, I didn’t think I’d have been so hell bent on destroying Sebastian.

There was also a part of me—one that grew stronger everyday—that craved the ease with which the Exiled lived. They seemed to have no rules. They lived by nothing other than the simple motto of “do what feels good.” And that was the difference. They did what felt good, not
right
. At that point, I didn’t even know why I bothered making a choice. It seemed, with my earlier aggression toward Scott and the others, the choice had been made for me. My only saving grace was Ethan. When I was out of control, he was the only one able to keep me grounded.