Tough Love (23 page)

He peeked out from behind the corner of the paper, eyebrows raised, a silent
what
on his face.

“Are you for real? I can’t go?”

“I said no, didn’t I?”

This was unbelievable. I tried to explain that we wouldn’t be gone long. “It’s just a visit to see Bear and Allie, no big deal.”

“You disobeying me is a VERY big deal, young lady, so I suggest you not do it.”

“Daddy--” I began and then heard Brendan knock.

“I said no. If you choose to go out that door with him, don’t bother coming back.”

He snapped the newspaper back into its upright position. The subject was closed.

“Ugh! Whatever,” I mumbled and stomped out of the living room toward the front door, not caring about the reality of the situation.

I slammed both the front door and the gate on my way to the sidewalk, causing Brendan to look up from where he’d stood on the sidewalk.

“What’s wrong?”

“My stupid parents! Dad tried to tell me I couldn’t come with you.”

“For real? What did your mom say?”

“Nothing. She just sat there,” I told him.

“Wow, so what are you going to do?”

“I’m here, aren’t I?” When he nodded, I said, “Well, then let’s go.”

We walked along Fifth Street until it hit Starr Avenue and then traveled west, crossing at the corner of Oak and Greenwood. I tried to get the past ten minutes out of my head by focusing on Bear and Allie.

“What do you think is going on? I mean, did Bear say what was up?”

Brendan shook his head. “No, he just said it was bad news. He asked if I thought you and I could come over together, and I said yeah. That was it.”

I pondered for a few seconds. Allie was due soon, but she’d had a good pregnancy. Then again, life is fragile.

“Did you press him for more information?”

“I tried, but he said he wanted to tell us in person.”

By this time, we were close enough to see Bear’s house. There was nobody sitting on the usually-busy front porch, a fact that worried me.

We walked up the steps hand-in-hand. The front door was open, and we could see Bear standing in the living room.

Surrounded by boxes.

I squeezed Brendan’s hand so he’d look at me.

Allie
, I mouthed. Brendan frowned.

“Yo, dude,” Brendan called out as he opened the screen door.

Bear stepped over a box with
baby stuff
written on it.

“Hey man, thanks for coming.”

“Of course,” I chimed in. “What’s going on?”

Just then Allie joined us from upstairs.

“Hey, you two.” She was solemn but in good spirits otherwise.

I smiled at her. “Hey, yourself.” I let go of Brendan’s hand and reached for hers. “What is all this?”

“I’m moving back home,” she sighed. “It’s just not working between us.”

“Oh wow,” Brendan said. I knew that he was more upset than he let on. To him, they were the perfect couple. He wanted our relationship to mimic theirs. If they were breaking up, where would that leave us?

Bear asked Brendan to help him with some boxes, giving Allie and me a chance to talk. She told me the break-up was pretty amicable between them.

“We could both tell it was ending. I mean, it still sucks, but you know.” She trailed off.

“Well, yeah. Break-ups hurt, no matter what. Even when they’re for the best,” I told her. “So what about baby Celeste?”

Allie rested her hand on her belly and smiled. “I’m going to have her in Michigan. Bear and I both want him in her life, so we’ll make regular trips down to see everybody. I want her to always know we loved each other, but it just didn’t work out.” She shrugged.

“I think that’s great. It’s not always easy to be mature in a situation like this.”

She smirked a little. “One of us has to be. God knows it ain’t gonna be Bear.” Allie let out a breath and then said, “There’s something else, too, Janessa.”

I looked at her and saw that she was a bit sad.

“There’s another girl, and she’s pregnant also.”

“Oh my…oh, Allie.” I had a few questions but kept silent, waiting to see if she wanted to say more.

“Her name is Heather, and she’s due in a few months.”

I was surprised at the level of calm in her voice, but then I realized she must have known for quite a while. I was sure the anger and pain were present even if Brendan and I did not see. She’d moved past those now. She and Bear were working through it, and she had accepted it.

“So that’s why,” I said with understanding.

“The main reason, yeah. But like I said, it wasn’t working anyway.” She took my hands in hers. “It’s for the best, Janessa. I’m at peace with it.”

“I know, but damn it, I don’t want you to go!” We both laughed. “I love you, girl. Never ever forget.”

“Don’t worry, I won’t.”

We were hugging when the boys got back. I couldn’t tell for sure, but I was guessing they had talked about the same things we had. That was, until Bear told Allie there was something Brendan wanted to ask.

Allie and I looked at Brendan, waiting for him to say something. He glanced at the floor before looking at me and saying, “I haven’t even told you this, baby, but I’m worried about something.”

“Worried? About what?” Allie interjected.

“So, um, you guys know I’m HIV+.”

“Yeah, we know that. And?” Bear asked.

“Well, it’s just…you know with the baby and all…I mean what if…” Brendan stammered, and then fell silent. He couldn’t seem to get out what he was trying to say.

Allie, confused at first, had a sudden epiphany. “Brendan? Are you worried I won’t let you hold the baby?”

He was ashamed. “Yes.”

“No! No way will that ever happen. Hey, look at me. You’ve known me for what, almost a year now?”

“Right,” he agreed his voice still low from the embarrassment.

“And in that time have I ever lied to you?” Allie continued.

“No.”

“Okay, then believe me when I say your status has no effect on our friendship. When the baby and I come to visit, you’ll get to hold her just like everyone else. I swear it.”

Bear jabbed Brendan playfully in the ribs. “See, man, I told you Allie wasn’t like that.”

“Yeah, but I needed to hear it, know what I mean?”

“Next time just ask. Don’t keep it bottled up,” Allie told him.

“Okay,” Brendan promised.

“I really don’t want to do this, but I need to get home,” I spoke up.

“Oh, that’s right. You told your folks we wouldn’t be gone long, huh? Guess we’d better hit it.”

I looked at Allie. “You’ll let us know about the baby?”

“Scout’s honor,” she smiled.

There were hugs given all around and a tearful vow to get together again before I went back to school.

“Never, ever forget,” I reminded her one last time.

“Don’t worry, I won’t,” she repeated.

We were a few steps away from Bear’s house when Brendan asked if I was okay.

“I think so,” I sighed. “I mean, I’m sad for both of them--”

“No, baby, that’s not what I’m talking about.”

“That’s what I figured,” I admitted. The subject needed to be discussed, but I was trying to avoid it. I did not want to believe anything had changed, but deep down I knew better. I knew everything had changed.

I was a whirl of emotions. As sad as I was about Bear and Allie, I was more worried about my parents and their ultimatum. My nerves were eating me up. Brendan suggested I call them from a pay phone before facing them in person.

Daddy answered his customary, “Yello?”

“Hi, Dad. Can I come home?”

Daddy didn’t miss a beat. “Is he with you?”

“Yes, of course he is,” I said.

“Then I think you know my answer.”

I looked over at Brendan, who was a few feet away having a smoke. We made eye contact, and I shook my head.

“Okay, I’ll be home to get some clothes,” I told Dad before I hung the payphone receiver back on the cradle.

The walk back to my parents’ house was a quiet one. I was not in the mood to talk about what I was feeling. Hell, I didn’t even
know
what I was feeling. I had never dreamed my relationship with Brendan would lead any of us to this moment, a moment in which my actions would cause Dad to break his most absolute promise and kick me out.

Brendan tried to be supportive by reaching for my hand, but I didn’t want him touching me. I hated myself for not possessing the strength it took to tell him goodbye. Especially at that moment, when my life was on the cusp of collapse and I had the opportunity to push him away…but I didn’t. Instead, I allowed the insecure thirteen-year-old girl I used to be rise up and take root in my eighteen-year-old body.

She was the girl who craved the attention of a man other than her daddy. Who had found someone to give it. Who was afraid to let that someone go. I was the young woman who was afraid to let her go.

As we approached the house, the conviction I felt became overwhelming, and I came to a stop.

“Baby? What’s wrong?” Brendan asked.

“I can’t do this,” I sobbed.

He grabbed my face up in both his hands. “What can’t you do?”

“Any of this. I can’t go in there, pretend everything’s okay, pack a bag and leave.”

“Come here,” he whispered and pulled me into a hug. “Shh, it’s going to be okay. Don’t you want us to be together?” When I nodded, he said, “Then you have to. You have to do this for us, okay?”

“Yeah,” I sighed. “All right.”

We continued walking, holding hands this time.

“You should probably stay here,” I told Brendan when we reached the corner. I took a few deep breaths, crossed the street and walked into the house.

No words were spoken, no eye contact was made. I walked straight up to the stairs, into my room and started packing things I would need. I didn’t know how long I’d be gone but knew I could do laundry elsewhere if needed. I decided to pack three days’ worth of clothing.

On my way down the hall to the bathroom, I heard Mom’s voice.

“What did you expect her to do, Homer? He is literally waiting on the corner for her!” Her words should have stung. I wish they would have, but they didn’t. I kept walking, and the words hung in the air.

I hurried through the bathroom, packing only the most essential items. I knew it would be hard to leave, and I didn’t want to prolong it. I went back to my room, threw everything into my bag and headed for the stairs again.

I decided that I’d leave the same way I came in–silent and looking straight ahead. This decision was two-fold: first, if I looked at my mom, she and I would both start crying. I wanted no drama, no tears. I also wanted my parents to not worry about all this; they deserved for it to be over. I thought once I left, they would be at peace.

So that’s what I did. I kept a stoic face, eyes set directly ahead, and walked out the door.

Brendan was on the corner where I’d left him. He took the overnight bag from me and grabbed my hand. We headed up 5
^th
Street once again on our way to the bus stop.

“How did it go?” he asked.

I shrugged, but said nothing out loud. Depression was setting in. I could feel it grabbing hold of me, silencing my words, turning my hands and feet ice cold. We walked in silence, reaching the place where the bus would come soon.

“It’s going to be okay, baby,” Brendan said. He was trying to be reassuring, but I wasn’t buying it. He set my bag down next to his feet and took my face into both his hands. “I’ll take care of you.”

“The bus is coming,” I whispered. It was the only semblance of a voice I could manage.

We walked up the steps, paid our fare and sat down. Brendan held my hand while I rested my head on his shoulder. We didn’t speak.

We rode the bus to my childhood home, where he continued to live with a friend. Walking in was surreal. To be in the house where I’d spent my first thirteen years of life, but now with my boyfriend…? It was all too much.

“You tired?” he asked me.

“Very. But I want to take a shower first.”

Brendan helped me take my bag upstairs and find some towels before I took the familiar path to the basement shower stall. Reaching in through the curtain, I turned the knob to hot, got undressed and stepped inside. I expected tears to come, but they didn’t; I was too spent to even cry.

I took my time, letting the scalding water flow over my body and wash away the daily grime. Too bad it couldn’t wash away the feelings, too. I stayed until the water grew cold and I was shivering.

Once I was dressed, I headed back upstairs. Brendan wasn’t in the living room so I went on up to the second floor where the bedrooms were. I found him there, sitting on the bed in his pajama pants, waiting for me.

“Doing okay?” he asked, his voice calm and low.

I shrugged again.

“Come over here and let me hold you.”

I sat down on the opposite side of the bed and pushed back toward the middle. He met me there, arms open, and we laid down, my head on his chest. He stroked my hair while I cried myself to sleep.