Trail of the Spellmans (41 page)
Read Trail of the Spellmans Online
Authors: Lisa Lutz
1
Which I recall only from the aftermath of crimes committed during my misspent youth.
1
Thanks to me. If you’d like to know more, document #4 has details. That’s all I’m saying.
2
No, I’m not going to tell you their name and provide free advertising.
3
“I like your shirt.”
4
“Please speak more slowly.”
5
“This gentleman will pay for everything.”
6
Leave me alone. I’m going to give her that one.
7
Ten years ago. A divorced couple fighting over custody of their cat, Irving.
1
No, I’m not going to tell you which San Francisco bars have a bad eye for fake IDs.
1
FREE SCHMIDT is also in his regular circulation. Rae and I are both peeved that during the time of these T-shirts’ relevance, David refused to wear them outside where they might do some good.
1
You have no idea.
2
Walter couldn’t drive unless the windows were sealed shut.
3
This is common practice in San Francisco—you buzz someone into your building sight unseen and hope for the best. Don’t get any ideas.
4
While it wouldn’t hold up in a court of law, it can be assumed this means yes.
1
Dad used to boast of the fact that he had a three-legged dog before three-legged dogs became fashionable.
1
Heh. She thinks
that’s
language.
2
“This one” or “that one” is always me.
3
That’s Grammy Spellman’s first name, by the way. Nobody calls her that but Mom. And her friends. Have yet to meet one, but I’m told they exist.
4
Grammy actually likes being called “ma’am.”
1
Dad tried to gradually dye his gray hair, thinking that if it was a slow process no one would notice. I don’t know what he was thinking.
2
Male sand gobies are known to eat a third of their eggs.
Men.
3
“Bernie Peterson just ate two eggs, two slices of bacon, and two hotcakes with a side of hash browns. Yum.”
1
Her attempt at a smile, but it really comes off as if she’s displaying her bridge work to a dentist.
2
Actually, they kind of did that already. Grammy left a signed blank check for groceries and Mom donated $250 in Morgan Freeman’s name.
3
“Retirement-age freak-out.” I’d tell you where to learn more, but some of you get angry when I do that.
1
I did later discover that first teeth still get brushing—maybe just for practice’s sake.
1
Actually, I didn’t, but I figured something would come to mind.
2
While I’m sure there are many charming computer geeks across the globe, I repeatedly ran into the Robbies of this world. And if your name is Robbie, please don’t take offense. I’m sure a few of you are all right.
1
Generally called Crack Mix—it’s that good. Mom keeps the real stuff in a safe in the pantry so Dad can’t get his paws on it. Dad has access to a “healthy” version, which is basically cereal and raw almonds.
2
The combo is my father’s birthday, which seems cruel, if you ask me.
3
I’m not in love with that ritual. I’ve been injured more than once when caught unawares.
4
I think the greatest act of discipline my father has ever shown is not eating the gavel.
1
A.k.a. the SF Opera website.
2
Turns out this was Maggie’s DVD, not Sydney’s.
3
Sure, a bit ironic.
4
Whatever the sentence-enhancer that is.
5
I have to admit that I was pleased this didn’t work. Because that show almost made me cry.
6
Still in business, as far as I know.
1
Later discovered that they were in the trunk of my father’s car. Do not have any idea how they got there. And one had an excellent bottle of bourbon inside.
2
A few years ago I squatted in David’s in-law unit without his knowledge. I was so afraid of getting caught, I barely got a wink of sleep.
1
See pg. 117.
1
If you’re interested in a sampling, see appendix. I highly recommend it.
1
That said, a male impersonator of virtually any female celebrity perks me up.
2
Whatever the sentence-enhancer that is.
3
Their cookies are huge (and awesome), so you can’t really eat that many.
1
Too long a sentence for thumbs.
2
Everybody has a key, so it’s not exactly high security.
1
David gave Rae a Chia Pet as a stocking stuffer. Rae tossed the seeds in the trash, scraped a one-inch slot into the terra-cotta figurine, and used it as a piggy bank.
2
This apparently means that some biodegradable items still end up in the trash.
3
Both parties, however, agreed that with Rae’s limited ingestion of all vegetation, this switch made little to no difference.
4
Rae once asked me the very same question, after locking me in a closet overnight. I couldn’t help but return the favor. (Document #4, if you’re curious.)
1
I would certainly like to know who that is.
2
I’m fairly certain I stole some candy off of her.
3
You might wonder why my father had a thank-you card in his possession that was given to a non-Spellman. Mr. Benjamin used it as evidence of my character a few months later when he was trying to get me expelled for cheating on a history test.
4
L’eggs, I know I’m not the only woman who has done this.
5
Of course I wasn’t making some for myself!
6
In Latin it means “Lost one.” Grammy found the stray dog by a creek or in an old barn or something. Perdita is also the name of the mother of the puppies in
101 Dalmatians
, but I doubt Grammy ever saw the movie. I don’t think Morgan Freeman was in it.
3
If you’d like to read more,
How to Negotiate Everything
will be available from S&S Children, Winter 2013.
1
I’m not interested in your opinion about children and television. Also,
SpongeBob
can be very educational. At least I’ve learned a thing or two. Though I’m not sure it’s factual. Still, I think it encourages an interest in sea life.
2
Why oh why don’t we have these in every major U.S. supermarket? It’s madness. Australia, I love you.
1
Not stealing!
1
It’s a French bakery/café that already has an unruly line at all hours of the day. Sorry, I’m not going to tell you what it is and make the line longer.
1
It doesn’t matter who says it, it always stings.
1
And, yes, I am familiar with this activity. The powdered sugar part.
2
See Document #1.
1
In truth, I got plenty of culture in the two years I dated Henry Stone and have been to my share of art museums. I like Picasso just fine, for the record. But that’s kind of like saying you like Morgan Freeman.
2
Mr. Slayter was certainly growing on me.
1
I wish.
2
Apparently the most fattening of all T-day desserts.
3
Still better than death.
1
Listen, gingers are no good for surveillance, and I’ve always found them highly suspicious individuals.
1
I promise that is the last time I will mention his name.
2
Which my parents still believed were accurate.
3
Back in his lawbreaking days, Demetrius’s primary income source was stealing and reselling television sets. He purchased a flat-screen with his first Spellman paycheck.
4
She can call the dog whatever she wants. She’ll always be FourPete to me.
1
I lied.
1
Pleased to discover that the locks had not been changed.
1
This means “vacation” in Spellman-speak.
1
If I haven’t mentioned it before, see appendix.
1
Shelly took the liberty of inserting this legalese herself.
1
I swear, every email from you is good news!
2
See David Hayward.
3
See previous documents.
4
Please write your name in here.
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