Trailer Park Princess (26 page)

“Yes, I still have it. I could never delete it. I think I drunk dialed you a few times.” He laughs a little. “Can I say bye to her?” I smile and nod.

“Of course, just don’t say anything yet. I want to explain it to her first.” He agrees and bends down as she walks up to us.

“Hi again!” They both smile, and my heart melts. “It was very nice to meet you, Saige. I think I might see you again later.” He reaches out to hug her, and she goes willingly. I guess she could feel that it was
OK.  I buckle her in and close the door. “I will call you tonight, Rory.” He turns to walk off, and I hear something that sounds like ‘I’m going to kill them.’ He stands at the door of The Diner until I turn the block and can’t see him anymore. How could they never tell him? Why would anyone ever do that? Guilt and fear both set in. The life we all know is about to change forever. I can’t help but worry how Rome will react. What if Toby tries to take her from me? It would have been easier if this had been dealt with years ago.

(Toby )

 I walk back into The Diner and all but fall into the vinyl booth. I rub my hands up and down my face, trying to comprehend what just happened. I woke up as one man, and now I have an almost four-year-old daughter.
What the fuck?
I look through my hands at the faces staring back at me. Clay and Ashley are both wearing sad smiles, and their brows are pulled tight, like they are sitting through the calm as they wait for the storm. They don’t realize that I don’t even have it in me right now. “Did you both know?” I ask them and when they both instantly drop their heads, I know they did. “Why wouldn’t you tell me? I mean, I get it, Clay. We weren’t
that
close. But Ashley…? Seriously? As much as we talked, not once you thought to tell me? I have a daughter, and you didn’t freaking tell me?” I beg her to give me answers. As I watch her, a single tear falls down her cheek.

“Toby, our conversations were never like that, and you can’t fault me for…” she dips her head low and whispers, “for not stopping mid-pant to tell you about your kid. Besides, it was not my secret to tell.” Before I have a chance to say anything else, Clay pipes in.

“That’s not really fair either, Ashley. We all know Saige has never been a secret. Rory never lied to anyone; she simply refused to talk about it. It was best for Saige because we know how his,” he points at me in a pissed kind of motion, “parents would have reacted. Thinking his name was being dragged through the mud when he wasn’t here to defend himself. She kept her mouth shut for that child. And for you, man. She never once did it for herself.” Slouching back in the seat, I stare blankly straight ahead. I cannot believe my mother would do this. How could she? I know they try to protect me, but a kid… COME ON!

“Toby, don’t be mad…” I put my hand up, cutting Ashley off.

“Don’t, Ashley. Just leave it alone. I need time to think about this. I feel so…I don’t know…confused, maybe. I had a girl I don’t think I was ever really
in
love with, but still needed. I loved her in my own way, if that makes sense. And then, the guy who ripped her from me is taking care of my daughter. The daughter I didn’t even know about. How do I deal with that?” I ask aloud, but I’m not really talking to either of them.

“Man, I know Rome, and he’s a good guy. They never messed around while she was with you. I’m sure Rory will tell you all of this when y’all talk, but I want you to know that we spend a lot of time with them. They are good people, and those kids are taken care of. Saige wants for nothing and is surrounded by love.” I look over at Clay and roll my eyes.

“I do
not
want my daughter in a fucking trailer park, Clay. I’m about to be a pro football player! I can’t have my child slumming it.” I sigh and push up, grabbing my cup. “I have to go. I have to go deal with my parents. I cannot believe they would do this.” As I turn to leave, Ashley’s voice is barely audible.

“Believe it. It’s not the first time.” She drops her head back down, but not before I see the pain in her eyes. I can see something is hurting her badly. It pulls at my soul to comfort her, but I can’t sit here. I have to deal with my idiot parents.

 I find myself heading for the trailer park on my way home even though it’s the opposite way. I just want to catch another glimpse of Saige. She is the prettiest thing I have ever seen. She’s like a porcelain doll. A head full of loose curls the same color as mine. Her skin is flawless, and she glows with happiness. She has her mother’s crazy-weird green eyes, but they fit her. Beautiful. That was always my favorite part about Rory. She has raised my daughter without me, and she has done an amazing job from what I can tell. The child has an inner light that just radiates from her. Rory has probably shown that child the same love she showed me times ten. I cannot hold the tears back as I drive. I can’t believe I missed so much. I push down on the gas, eager to get to her again. I will not miss anything else. I can’t. I realized years ago I was never in love with Rory. I had a love for her, but not the right kind. She deserved better. She deserved someone who saw nothing but her when she walked into a room. She was fun for me, something different and off limits. My parents hated her, and I had the need to rebel.  But this changes everything. I can’t be selfish anymore. I need to do right by my daughter. I smile thinking about Rory giving her the name we picked out. She gave her not only my last name, but also my first. I wonder what I was doing when she was born. I pull up right by Rory’s trailer and actually stop. One of three times I’ve ever stopped. I think back to our first anniversary when I helped her unload the gifts I bought her and then the night after I caught her cheating…well not cheating to hear everyone tell it. I fume at the thought. I was so cruel to her, and she was always so good to me. I don’t see the black SUV they climbed into earlier. Maybe they aren’t back yet. I step out of the truck and walk up the cracked steps, getting madder with each footfall. How could Saige be safe here? I knock on the door and wait. After a few more knocks, the door creaks open, and I look inside.  The room is empty. Not a sofa, a table, nothing.
Where are they?
I turn to look around for someone to ask, and I see this fat lard strolling between trailers.

“Excuse me, Sir. Where’s the girl who used to live in this trailer?” His eyes light up and a slimy smirk crosses his lips.

“No clue, and all I can say is goodbye bitch. That little tease always wanted shit fixed and never wanted to make the proper payment, if you catch my drift.” He grabs himself, stroking over his crotch, and walks off.  Not sure why, but I have to fight the urge to jump off the dilapidated porch and punch him in his filthy face. I look back inside and shake my head. I have to figure out where they are.

As I pull into my parents’ driveway, my temper flares hotter. I really dread having to confront them, but after all these years, it has to be done. I think back to what Ashley said, and I still don’t understand. What did she mean it wasn’t the first time? Killing the engine and stepping out, I can feel the weight of the world on my shoulders. The people I have always trusted have lied to me over and over. The one person I thought I would never trust again seems to be the only one telling me the truth. I slam the truck door a little too hard and stomp up the steps, slinging the front door open so hard it slams into the wall behind it. I am sure it knocked a hole in the wall, but I don’t care.

“Mom, we have to talk NOW!” I scream up the steps as I pace back and forth, waiting and nervous, but mostly pissed. I hear her heels before I see her. She descends with my father right on her heels. She has a fake smile plastered across her face. I’m not sure if it can even be considered fake anymore since it’s the one she has worn for years on end to appear sweet. My dad looks older, running his hands through his hair, not really looking at me.

“Hi, Tobias, did you have a nice meal with your old friends?” Mom says, trying to gauge the situation.

“Yeah, best meal of my life, actually…I think. Guess who I saw while I was out?” I ask giving her a chance to come clean. She smiles bigger and places her hand on her hip.

“No clue, honey. Where did you decide to eat? Did you try the new fish house out by the river?” Her shoes click past me as she makes her way over to the sofa, but she doesn’t sit.

“No, Mother, I ate at The Diner!” Her face deadpans and turns ghostly white. A light sheen of sweat covers her face instantly, and her hand shoots up over her mouth. By her reaction alone, I know the truth instantly, not that I ever doubted it, to be honest.

“Was
. . . Did… Why. . .?” She can’t even form a sentence. My dad steps over to her and whispers to her, “You knew he would see her. Just calm down. We talked about this.”  I ball my fists up in anger, flexing them over and over. I can feel my jaw clenching and my temperature rising.

“Why would either of you keep something so important from me?” It comes out so nasty I actually taste it. “You never had that right
. . .EVER!” I can’t see straight, my temper getting the best of me. I turn and sling my arm out into a wide arch hitting one of my mother’s dozen vases she adores. I barely hear her suck in as it crashes to the ground.

I turn back towards them. They have placating looks on their faces. I have never acted this way towards them, and they aren’t sure how to approach me; that much is obvious. Finally, it’s my mother who speaks.

“Tobias, I only ever wanted a good life for you. When those girls tried to ruin you, I did what any mother would do for her child; I shielded you. It’s my job.” I growl out in frustration, and she continues, “Unfortunately, Rory wasn’t as easy to deal with as Ashley.” That comment snaps my brain back into action. Locking eyes with the person I used to consider my loving mother, I seethe, “What about Ashley?” Her head drops yet again.

“I didn’t realize you weren’t aware of that.”

Stepping closer to her, I sneer, “Spit it out,Mother!” My dad takes a step towards me, but stops when I settle my glare on him. Right now is not the time. He has been mostly absent my whole life; today of all days is one where he should just disappear.

“Back when we gave you the truck, Tobias, I had her here the whole weekend. I had to tend to her like a child while she recovered from the abortion I made her get. You weren’t ready for a child, and I certainly wasn’t about to tend to one. I made Ashley leave you alone, and in return, we made sure her dad’s store had business. When you accepted the truck so easily, I knew I made the right choice. It was a win-win situation. Then, Rory showed up here looking for you. She never gave me a chance to fix it for her. Instead, she ran to the arms of that hoodlum and kept that child to herself. I send her an allowance, but she returns it. That’s not my problem or yours. You are free to live your life, son.” She looks up with tears in her eyes. She truly believes she is in the right. “I saved you from them, Tobias.” I jerk back as far as I can from her.

“No, Mother, you’ve turned me into him,” I point at my father. “You’ve made me absent from my daughter’s life. You’ve taken my child from me. If you had just accepted Rory, I would have my daughter with me now instead of knowing nothing about her. What if she never loves me?”  My mom reaches out to me, but I pull back again. I cannot let her touch me. I now see how truly evil she is.
Nasty, weighed-down, soul-sucking evil.

“I couldn’t accept Rory. She wasn’t good enough for you. You never loved her, just like you never loved Ashley.”

“I was in love, but you ruined that for me. Rory may have been a Band-Aid, but I loved her, too, just differently. She was that forbidden fruit, and I didn’t want to let her go. She was good enough for me, Mother. I am the one who was never good enough for her. Thanks to you, I was a judgmental jerk to her. I will never set foot in this town again once I leave this time. I will never forgive either of you for this.” I turn and slam the door in my departure. I honestly don’t believe I will ever get over this; it’s just too wrong. I feel like my whole life has been a lie. Pulling my cell from my pocket, I click it open and text Rory. I want…no, I
need
to see my daughter. I have to know everything about her.

I am just walking in the house when my phone chirps. There’s no name that shows up on the display, but I know it’s Toby. I start to have a mini freak-out.
He can’t be calling me right now! I haven’t even talked to Rome about everything that happened today
. I look down at my cell.

Toby -
Where are y’all? I want to talk. I need to know her, Rory. I have to.

Rory -
OK. Let me talk with Rome, and I’ll text you back.
             

Toby -
This has nothing to do with him. Just send me the address.

Rory -
It does have to do with him, so don’t start! I said I will text you in a few.

I snap my phone shut harder than I need to, but I can’t help it. Toby has always had a way of setting me off. I throw it on the counter, letting my anger get the best of me. I hear the door shut and turn to see Rome standing there.  He must have witnessed my tiny tantrum because he has his head cocked to the side and the pull between his eyes tells me it’s now or never. I start rambling about crazy facts like always, but I realize I have to drop my shoulder and plow through it, or I will never tell him.

“Did you know two or three jockeys are killed each year in horse racing? Or that hot water weighs more than cold water?” Stepping closer, Rome puts his hand on my hip.

“What happened? T
he doctor’s appointment go OK?” I stop, realizing he thinks Saige has an issue.

“Ohhh no! She’s fine! Everything went great.” I slump back away from him. “Toby’s back.” He steps towards me.

“So. We knew he was coming back this summer. We didn’t care, remember? His loss.” I pinch the bridge of my nose.

“That’s just it, Rome; he does care. He didn’t know, and now he wants to meet her. I mean, he met her today…” Now, he is the one slinking back from me.

“What? Today? When? Why? How?” I put my hand on his chest for him to stop.

“He was at The Diner eating with Clay an
d Ashley. They thought it was OK because it was my day off. I went in to get my check. He saw us, and when he asked, I couldn’t lie.” I retell the whole story to Rome, piece by piece. It kills me as I watch the emotions cross his face. They go from anger, to pain, to confusion, then back to anger. He is all over the place. “Talk to me, Rome, please. Tell me what you’re thinking.” He steps over to the counter and braces himself against it, never looking up.

“Rory, this is hard for me. I love that girl like she’s mine. This changes everything if it’s true. He will want to take her.  He will replace me. I…I feel like every girl I love, he takes them from me. I always lose to him. What happens if he wants you back? Will you go, too?” I jump from my chair so fast it slams to the ground. I place my hands over his cheeks, forcing him to look at me.

“No! Never! I love you and only you. I will never be with anyone else. You are my whenever, Rome. I love you, not forever, but whenever! I love you whenever the wind blows, the rain pours, the sun shines, or the stars twinkle. I love you whenever we are happy or sad, whenever we are angry or content. I love you whenever I breathe. I will love you whenever it’s our time to go. I will always be yours. I love you whenever anything happens, anywhere. I love you just that hard. As for Saige, you will always be her daddy. You’ve been here from day one. That’s a bond that cannot be broken. You are irreplaceable.” I dig deep with my stare. I want him to believe me so badly.

“I know, Rory; I do; I swear. But anytime we talk about your past with him, I see it. There is this sweet sadness in your eyes. He has a part of you I can never get back.” Sitting down he props his elbows on his knees and drops his head to his hands, staring straight at the floor. I cannot hear it, but I see his body shake a little, and it breaks my heart. I never want him to cry.

“No matter what, Rome, I can never forget. It’s a part of my past that will always haunt me. His words, his touch…it all meant so much to me back then, the good and the bad. But they mattered
then.
You matter
now.
You’ve always mattered; I just didn’t understand it. Please don’t let this hurt you. I won’t mess up; I promise. He was a reckless romance, a hopeless dream. That’s it. With you, it’s like my life is stuck on replay, and it’s my favorite love song.” I try to force his head up, but he won’t let me.
Yep, I’ve lost my mad Jedi skills.
He pulls me close and buries his head into my waist. I weave my hands into his hair and rub him softly up and down his neck and scalp. I hate this. I don’t want to hurt him.
Damn Toby!
His breathing evens out, and he looks right at me, skipping my eyes and pushing right into my soul with all his force.

“I know, baby. I love you, and I’m sorry. I’m just scared. You’re right; it’ll be fine. You are the smartest woman I know, and you will always do the right thing. I am so sorry. I wasn’t doubting you; I was mostly doubting myself.” I pull his face to mine and crush his lips. He sits up straight and pulls me down on his lap. As I straddle the chair backwards and grind my hips down on him, he runs his hands across the dip in my lower back. I hear the rumble from his chest, and it turns me on even more.

“Mommy, can I have some milk?” We shoot up, looking at each other and then at Saige standing right beside us. We burst into laughter, and it makes her jump.

“Sure, baby.” I get up, straighten my clothes, and make my way over to the fridge. I cannot believe we got that carried away. “I, um…I need to text him. I want to talk to him before we allow him here. And I’d rather just get it over with.” I turn to see Rome still sitting in the chair, except now Saige is on the table, staring right at him, her eyes twinkling as she runs her finger over his tattoos.

“Daddy, why do you let people color on your skin? Momma says, “No, Ma’am. We do not color on ourselves. Only paper.” She shakes her tiny, stubby little finger at him. “She’s gonna spank you,” she whispers the last part. We meet eyes and smile.

“It’s OK
, Princess. Just set it up.” I pick my cell up off the counter where I threw it earlier and send the dreaded text.

-
My spot. 20 minutes
.             

I cram the phone in my pocket and rub my hands down my face. “I’m going to change, and then I’ll be back.” Rome looks at me around Saige where she is still perched on the table. “I’m taking the bike so you have the truck in case you need to go anywhere.” I turn and add, “Or come get me.”

I quickly throw on some old jeans and jerk on a classic throwback Kiss tank I found at the thrift store last week. It was a Holy Grail kind of score for me. I jerk my Chucks on, pull my hair back in low ponytail, and walk through the kitchen. I lean over and kiss both of my favorite people.

“I won’t be gone long. I’m meeting him at the billboard to set the ground rules. I will call when we leave to head this way. Can you clean her up and try to explain this to her a little?” I grab my red leather coat and matching helmet as I walk out the door. I love this set. Rome bought it for me this past Christmas. The coat makes me feel mean, not like beat-up-someone mean, but l feel tough, like a superhero or something. I run my hands down the front of the coat, feeling the ridges and gripping the silver buttons on it. This coat is like a cape; I feel invincible in it.

I throw my leg over the motorcycle, kick the stand, and balance it between my thighs before I pull on my red helmet and tighten the straps. I adjust my coat collar and turn the key over. When the bike rumbles to life, I feel jubilant. I take off with the courage I need to handle anything Toby throws at me.

When I arrive at the billboard, I see Toby’s truck pulled up at the back, just like always. I slow down and drop the stand. I look around as I set the helmet on the seat. Where is he? I take a few steps and remember my coat. If I’m not driving the bike, I take it off. It’s great to block the wind and help with road rash, but it’s way too hot to be a fashion statement. I lay it across the seat and start towards his truck.

“NICE BIKE, WILDE!” I hear his voice but still don’t see him. “You coming or what?” I look up and see Toby’s feet dangling over the side, his face lit up from ear to ear. This isn’t going to be fun for me. He better not make me mad, or I’m likely to push him off that platform. I reach deep inside myself and summon my inner warrior as I make the steep climb to the top. I drop down beside him like I am full of lead. We do not even look at each other when the conversation starts.

“Rory, I swear I never knew.” I don’t say anything; I wait.
Patience, young Jedi
. “I never had a clue. I take some of the blame, but I place most of it on my parents. They were wrong not to tell me. It was my choice to make. I will never forgive them for this. They don’t deserve it. I want to meet her. I want to know her. I want to visit with her and be a part of her life.” I sit placid. “Rory, talk to me. Say something. I have the right to be with her. Right? You have to know that.” I blow out the air I am holding and roll my eyes.

“Most lipstick contains fish scales.” I state, then go silent again…patience.

“WHAT? Why the hell do you do that? You’ve always been kind of spastic, you know. Just talking about crazy off-the-wall shit. It freaked me out…A LOT!” I chew on my lip—my new nervous tick. I do not spout off as much factual info these days.

“Toby, you never really paid attention to me. I have done that my whole life.” I try to keep a calm demeanor. “You were so wrapped up in everything else you never really took the time to know me. You never took the time to understand who I was. It’s a nervous habit. It gives me time to collect my thoughts. And yes, I know you have the right to know her, but even more, she deserves to know you. I don’t want to keep her from you, but you need to understand, Toby, that she doesn’t know you. She has to be eased into this. You cannot run in and say ‘screw what you know; I’m your dad’ and take off with her. It will not work like that. She has a set of rules, and you need to understand them so it’s easy for her to transition. This is not about you and me. It’s always going to be about her.”  I look at him. He is deep in thought.

“I get it, Rory. I will do anything to make this right. I mean ANYTHING. Why don’t we try to fix this? Fix us?  We were good together. We were happy.” I shake my head.

“There is no
we
. I’m with Rome now, and I will always be with him. I was happy with you for a while, but then reality set in, and I understood it wasn’t meant to be. When you left me and I found out I was pregnant, I cried myself to sleep every night. I thought my sweet angel was being condemned to a life of hell. I was wrong. That girl is the light of our lives. She is loved so hard some days it makes my head hurt. Those boys would kill for her. All four of them. Saige has her own personal army.” To be honest, I’m kind of confused right now. I expected him to scream and stomp and throw a fit. Or maybe whine and break down. He was always good at that when he thought I was about to walk away. I know now it was an act for the most part, but his behavior right now is still not his norm. “I think I hated you when you left, Toby. And I mean really hated you. I wished bad things on you, and I cursed you daily, even though my heart was still with you. If it weren’t for Rome, I would have lost my mind. I made bad choices, and I didn’t even care. Then, when I had Saige, I saw you on TV. I was lying in the bed at the hospital, and you were smiling and talking about it being the best day of your life. Funny thing was, it was the best day of my life, too, but for different reasons. First and foremost, that was the day my daughter was born. But that was also the day I decided to let you go. I wanted to be strong for Saige and be happy. I let you go. I let the hate and anger disappear, and I am grateful for that. I was finally able to look in the mirror again and be happy with who I saw. We were young and stupid, and I paid the ultimate price. I paid with my soul. Thanks to Rome, I found myself again. He has been my best friend, my rock, through all of this. Before I can take you to my…our home, I need you to understand that. He deserves respect. He never put a hand on me until I asked him to, and that was long after you were gone, long after Saige was born. And he loves Saige like his own daughter. He understands you are her biological dad, but I need for you to understand he is her daddy. He is whom she knows and cares about. Do not hurt her while trying to hurt him.” He looks up into my eyes, and I feel his pain. Toby was good to me…bad as well, but we had our good days.