Training in Love (23 page)

Since
I have to do something, I walk quickly behind the counter and get some rags and
the spray cleaner I always use for the tables and then go outside. In a short
time I’ve cleared four tables of glasses, bottles and plates and I realize that
when I’m attacked by negative energy fields I’m better at cleaning up. I have
an energy and efficiency that not even Mister Clean can beat. I’ll have to
remember that.

“A
shell…”

I’m
cleaning the fourth table, the one on the left which has me with my back to the
entrance.

Shell
my ass. Damn him and damn all the beautiful people and damn me and this week
and…

“It’s
five to twelve, do you want me to do something  in the next five minutes?”

I
close my eyes for a moment, trying to relax, to seem indifferent, to put
together a smile from the black depths of my soul, and then I turn around. But
the smile isn’t there. You can tell that it’s just too far down.  “No, you’re
free.”

I
go back to cleaning, but I can tell he hasn’t left. I’m aware that it’s my
fault, all my fault that I fell for him despite my mantra, my being aware, etc.
etc.

I
fell because of all the things that all the people around us said and also
because of him, with that “painful beauty” and that kiss…

I
shake my head. No, it’s my fault.

I
shake it again, slowly. In the end, knowing whose fault it is doesn’t change
anything. After all, the only thing that counts is to free my head of these
thoughts and immediately go beyond it, to a mental and emotional place where
I’m not bleeding.

“Are
you angry?” He asks.

I
respond without turning, “Me? No, why should I be?”

“You
don’t have the same face as before…”

“I’m
just a little tired.” I wipe the table, wipe, wipe even where it’s already
clean.

“Olly?”

“Yeah?”

“Do
you want to turn around?”

I
sigh and turn around rapidly. “What is it?”

He
shrugs his shoulders and a small smile appears on his lips. “It’s just… It’s
been a crazy week… you had me do everything…”

I
nod, trying to smile back, but I’m afraid what comes out is a grimace. He
doesn’t seem to notice.

“You
pushed me to the limit… all the time,” he says with an almost dreamy tone.

“Well,”
I answer lowering my head and turning back towards the table, “One should
always try to overcome one’s own limitations.”

“Do
you manage to do it?”

“I
often try to.”

I
hear him take a breath to say something else, but the high voice of the girl
interrupts us. “Andre, are you ready?”

Instinctively
I look up at her. She’s absurdly beautiful and I detest myself for having been
so stupid as to delude myself that I had any chance with him because of a
stupid remark and a kiss that, quite frankly, he was giving to everyone that
day.

“Yes…
I’m coming.”

I
turn back to clean the table again.

“So…
is that it?”

I
twist once again briefly. “Yes Andrea, you’re free. Have a good evening.” I
stretch my lips in an imitation of a smile and return to my table, waiting to
hear their steps as they leave. When I hear them, I turn and allow myself a
sincere look of profound sadness at their backs. The horrendous fuchsia shirt
is stretched across Andrea’s back, while hers is almost all visible because
that dress is more low cut in back than in front. They walk close to each
other, without holding hands, but then she threads a hand under his arm.

“You
know, you have a fantastic profile.” I spin around towards the voice of Nic,
standing in the entrance.  “And I have an idiot friend.”

“Ah
no…” I smile wearily. “It’s not his fault…”

“Ah,
no?”

“No.
Is it his fault if I stop seeing him as a simple personal trainer and begin to
delude myself?” I speak right away with sincerity. By now it seems futile to
pretend when it’s perfectly plain that he’s already aware of everything.

“I
seem to remember a kiss… A kiss he gave you, even if it should have been the
other way around.” He pauses briefly, then adds, “And I saw it clearly, you
know, how he did it…”

I
lift my shoulders. “Well, in retrospect, even in that case he actually only
asked me as an incentive…”

Nic
moves from the door. He has an interested look and takes two steps towards me
with his hands in his pockets. “What, what, what? He asked you? And what
incentive?”

“When
we were in the bathroom, he told me that if I wanted him to kiss Miss Letizia,
I would have to give him an incentive and… kiss him too.”

Nic
is quiet for a moment, with an incredulous look on his face, then he throws
back his head and laughs open-mouthed. Shaking his head as he continues to
laugh, he turns to the right suddenly, struck by something. “Well, what do you
know… what an idiot…”

Hearing
these words I follow the direction of his gaze and see, in the distance towards
the end of the street, Andrea looking at us. “Wave,” Nic tells me as he waves
happily with a hand in the air. I copy him after just a second’s hesitation.
“Now give me your hand,” he says quietly looking at me again and offering me
his open left palm where I place my right one. “And follow me inside without
looking back.”

I
go along with him because, in the end, the expert in love is him, certainly not
me.

“If
I knew what he has in mind,” Nic says as soon as we’re inside, “I’d tell you.
But I really don’t know.”

“I’ve
already understood…”

“You
don’t want me to ask him?” He checks himself right away seeing my horrified
expression. “Or investigate discreetly without being discovered?”

“No!”
I exclaim breathlessly. “I already know how things are and it’s all my fault. It’s
just as well that that girl showed up… It woke me up in time.” I let my gaze
wander to the now dark windows of the cafè. “Maybe I should stop the workouts
with some excuse…”

“No!”
Nic answers with a force that makes me turn towards him. “That, no! You’d only
be hurting yourself!”

I
am quiet for a bit, undecided whether to reveal what I think or not. “I know,
but seeing him is harder…” I confess.

Nic
thinks about it for a moment, lifting the eyebrow with the piercing. “Wait for
a while. Work as best you can for yourself and in the meantime see how things
go. If something changes in any way… fine, if not… quit. You’re always in time
to quit.”

I
follow his conversation nodding.

“But
hang in there for a little bit longer.”

I
nod again.

“Now
let’s go over to those two,” he says cocking his head towards the table where
Linda and Marco are seated talking.

He
turns, but I pull on his hand which I’m still holding. 

“Yes?”
He asks, just turning his head.

“Are
you my friend? Because it really feels like you’re my friend right now…”

He
smiles and turns completely around. “Yes, I am your friend and you are my friend.
A dear friend.”

He
hugs me and I whisper laughing softly, “We seem like two kids in elementary
school…”

“Who
cares.”

17.

Exactly
a week after the party, I’m overcoming another of my limitations. I’m in a pool
– an open-air pool – with Linda and I’m wearing a bikini. I’m lying in the sun.

Maybe
for normal people the phrase, “I’m at the pool, wearing a bikini and lying in
the sun”, is the most banal and ordinary thing you can say, but for me it’s almost
magic. It’s big. It’s special. Not special, something more… It’s a victory.

Today
was weighing day and I was sixty-eight kilos. Andrea was happy, me too, but I
wanted to celebrate with Linda, someone who will always be in my life. Andrea will
disappear in a few months. This week, in fact, everything was normal between
us, as though the Week of Power had never happened, as though there had never
been any poetry, no almost kiss… nothing at all.

I’m
trying to get used to this by concentrating on myself, on my objectives, on
celebrating small triumphs. Maybe for normal women sixty-eight kilos is a scary
weight, a point which sends them scrambling to fix it, to go on a diet, that
makes them feel like covering up. Instead I’m uncovering, or at least that’s what
I’ve decided to do. Sure, I was afraid and had lots of second thoughts over the
two hours from when I organized with Linda right after my workout, but… as I’ve
been doing everything since I started, I did the same today - I made a little
effort to resist the initial sense of unease. And it’s true that if you’re
patient, after a while the sense of awkwardness fades and you begin to feel
better.

It
was like that this afternoon, when I had to take off my clothes to lie down
half naked on a towel in front of strangers. But I persisted, I made an effort
and I did it. Now I’m relaxed. I won’t say I’m completely comfortable, but
relaxed. I’ve been sunbathing all afternoon. I turn over and over like a breaded
veal cutlet, interrupted by brief, refreshing dips in the pool. Linda and I
chat, but on a couple of occasions we were quiet, a little dozy. Linda’s about
to finish college. She’ll be graduating next month in languages, English and
Russian, and she’d like to go away for a while both to England and Russia to
perfect them. Marco, graduating this year in philosophy, isn’t really of the
same mind. He’d prefer to stay here, but he likes the idea of letting her go
away alone a lot less. This is what Linda’s telling me – about their
discussions, their plans, her dreams, his dreams and all the things that she
can’t tell me when we’re together with the others.

“I’ll
come to visit you,” I say with certainty though dreamily, while I watch the sun
sinking down.

“Even
in Russia?”

“Are
the Russians hot?” I ask seriously.

“Yes.”

“Then
yes, even in Russia.”

We
burst out laughing and take each other by the hand, staying stretched out side
by side looking at the sky.

“What
did Nic tell you last Saturday, when you hugged?” Asks Linda out of the blue.
I’m thinking she’s wanted to pull out a certain topic all day and hasn’t known
how to do it.

“We
were talking about Andrea,” I reply quickly, because I tell Linda everything.

“Because
you like him?”

At
this I hesitate for a fraction of a second, because I’m human. “Yes.”

“So
now you confide in Nic and not me?”

I
laugh. “Ah, no… He probably saw my expression of desperation when the model who
Andrea invited showed up at midnight. And when he asked me a direct question about
it, it seemed ridiculous to deny it. That’s all.”

Linda
is quiet for a long time. The evening is falling. People are beginning to
prepare their things to leave and I feel a cool breeze on my skin.

“Actually,
Nic already told me everything,” Linda says after a while.

“Oh,
ok.”

I
hear her take a breath to say something, but then she doesn’t. She tries again
and doesn’t. So I sit up with my legs crossed on the towel and say, “Lindy, I
know you want to tell me something. Quit dancing around it and tell me.”

She
huffs, looking at me, and then directs her blue headlights towards the sky
again, staying prone. I feel a little dizzy.

“The
fact is that…” She begins, “I’m not at all convinced about the model.”

“Oh
my God, no…” I say putting a hand on my forehead.

“I
don’t know Olly… I don’t get certain things. How he looks at you, that expression
he has on his face at times when he looks at you…” She sighs. “And the kiss. The
kiss in the cafè… Nic’s right, that kiss… I was there, just like Nic, and I saw
that kiss perfectly well – his face and his expression when he was about to do
it…”

“Are
you through?” I ask with a weary air.

She
looks at me in silence. “I… really have the feeling that he feels something. You
shouldn’t let yourself be thrown off by some girl who in all probability is
no-one and it doesn’t mean anything.”

“Are
you through now?”

She
thinks for a bit. “Yes, I’m through.”

“Good.
So let’s analyze the situation. He’s with me three times a week, last week even
every day. When we’re together what does he do? Nothing, nothing more than
kindness and courtesy. Oh, and the kiss, yes, this famous kiss…” I pause as
though I’m thinking about it when in reality I already know what I think. “It
was a crappy kiss! Probably, in a certain sense, it bothered him that I was the
only one who didn’t launch myself with my coin purse in front of him and he had
to remedy it in some way…” I take a breath. “And yes, I’ll agree that he feels
something for me and that you see it when he looks at me. Probably he is
genuinely fond of me and is also satisfied with all the work we’ve done. And you
know why I’m sure about this? Because the moment he is free, for instance, I
don’t know, when the clock strikes at one particular midnight, he has a
pseudo-top model meet him and he leaves.” I look at her with tired eyes and she
listens to me in silence. “If he were like you and Nic say he is, he would have
stayed, and by himself. That’s how a normal person who feels something for
someone acts, he doesn’t leave with someone else! Especially someone like
Andrea, who hasn’t got any problems with self-esteem, shyness, etc. Often the
simplest explanation is the right one Lindy.”

“Hmm,”
is Linda’s comment.

“Hmm,
what?”

“Well,
for example, we think differently about this too. I’ve watched him a lot lately
and I don’t see that he’s as sure of himself as you describe him. And he’s also
a little shy I think… maybe not as much as you, but he is.”

Suddenly,
I see him again in my car in the half light, confessing with his face tense
that he feels like a shell sometimes. Right after, however, I see another image
– his back and that of the pseudo-model leaving the cafè Saturday evening. A
streak of anger runs through me. I shake my head. “You know what, Lindy? You love
me too much and aren’t able to be objective about me and things regarding me.”

At
this point Linda sits down suddenly. “I’m plenty objective deary!”

I
cross my arms, tilting my head with an expression of skepticism.

“If
I were biased, if I only thought of the affection I have for you and for
myself, I’d push you to get involved with Nic. Certainly not with Andrea.”

“Nic?”

“Of
course! We’d be sisters-in-law, you and I! It would mean I’d have you by my
side for the family dinners and lunches, for all the holidays in general. If
you see what I mean!”

I
raise my eyebrows, listening with interest.

“But
Nic… he loves you, but as a friend or a sister. He doesn’t have that light in
his eyes… I don’t know. And then, Nic is not at all ready for a serious
relationship. And in my opinion he has a personality that, after a while, you
wouldn’t be able to stand.”

When
I don’t say anything she concludes, “You see that I’m objective, right?”

“Alright,
you’re objective, but you don’t know Andrea well and… that’s enough of telling
me these things, all of you! You, Nic, Madame Barbieri… Don’t you understand
that you make me feel worse? I delude myself like that. I think that… maybe… then
the model arrives and… ta da! A smack in the face.” I sigh. “Leave it alone. If
he wanted something from me, he’d have already done something. He’s just my
personal trainer. Period.”

Linda
doesn’t answer.

“I’ll
do what Nic said to do. I’ll keep it up as long as I can. Until it becomes too
painful and as long as I’m not forced to see him with the girls he goes out
with every two seconds. Then that’ll be it. Anyway, sooner or later it had to
end. I’m not going to go on with a personal trainer for the rest of my days…”

Linda
is silent for a while, biting her lower lip and staring at her feet. “You know
something? Crap, you’re right.”

“Oh!
Finally!”

She
snaps her head up. “Can we go cause I’m dying of hunger?”

I
stand up laughing, but I immediately feel very dizzy.

“Are
you alright?”

I
nod. “My head hurts a little…” I say rubbing it and starting to put my things
away.

When
we arrive in front of the twins’ house the sky is still light, but the sun has
begun to set and the pain in my head has grown exponentially. I feel hot too.

“Will
you come in for a minute?” Linda asks, as she always does.

I
shake my head, then think again. “I’ll just get a glass of water. I don’t feel
well at all…”

“You
look pretty pale…” Linda says getting out.

While
we walk towards the door of the twins’ house it opens and out come Nic and
Andrea with two girls. Nic is hand in hand with Andrea’s model from last week
(they even swap them… disgusting!) while Andrea is laughing at the side of
another girl I’ve never seen. She’s shorter than the model and very thin with
long, straight chestnut hair and brown eyes.

We
exchange greetings, but I must be distracted and greet them a little badly as
we pass in opposite directions because both Andrea and Nic turn towards us
blocking the way. Andrea asks a generic, “Everything okay?”

Linda
and I turn around and Linda answers, “Yes, Olly doesn’t feel very well… nothing
serious.”

That
said, we both move to continue towards the door at the same time, as though we
had an agreement. But before opening and going in we’re stopped again.

“What’s
wrong?”

I
almost run into Andrea whom I suddenly find close by. I dart an empty and
painful glance over his shoulders and meet Nic’s gaze. He’s listening silently
and has a too-serious look on his face.

“It
looks like I got too much sun all at once…” I answer frowning. And this movement
makes my head hurt even more. I quickly lift a hand to my temple.

“I’ll
take you home,” says Andrea, placing a hand on my elbow.

“No,
no thanks, I can manage,” I reply turning around again towards the door, and so
doing, freeing myself from his touch. In the malaise that is persistently
occupying my mind, I am aware of feeling a serpent of irritation slithering
inside. Why is he being so caring? It would be better if he treated me badly…

I
hear the door open again and Marco appears on the step. I look at him, waving
silently and swallowing down an attack of nausea. I don’t feel at all well…

Marco,
perhaps understanding my painful state, takes a step towards me extending his
arm, “Olly…”

I
put my hand in his going towards him and Andrea appears at my side between me
and him.

“Maybe
it’d be better if you didn’t drive Olly…” He says, worried.

I
look at him and detest him. Truly. “I just have a little headache, and I feel
hot. I can drive.” I glance at the girls who are waiting a short distance away and
I resist saying, “Go to your girlfriend, or is it girlfriends?” Just barely,
but I do stop myself.

He’s
about to speak but I look at him with an air of fatigue, exhaustion and maybe a
little suffering. He gazes at me with his brow furrowed. He opens his mouth and
seems to want to speak, to say something, to continue to discuss it. He seems
worried. In the end, he says nothing, closes his mouth and looks at Marco for a
longer instant, nods and says goodbye.

I
don’t stay to watch him leave. I quickly turn around and finally go into the
house. My head is splitting, pulsing, but I feel an instant relief from the
waves of heat in the cool of the entrance.

I
sigh and turn towards Linda and Marco. He is looking at me worriedly, she with
a smug smirk on her face.

“Don’t
you dare say anything…” I threaten her and she bursts out laughing.

Marco
looks at us but doesn’t understand this exchange. Fortunately he’s used to it.
In fact he remains indifferent and doesn’t ask us anything. In the kitchen I
drink a little cool water and for a while no-one speaks. I can’t wait to go
home, to lie down in my room.

“Can
I take you home?” Linda asks with a wise smile.

“Yes,
you
can,” I reply immediately, looking at the glass in my hand.