Traitor (10 page)

“You can be whatever you want to be.”

He paced the small area, running his hands through his hair. “No matter what I do, there will always be darkness in me.” He stopped and gazed at me, almost pleadingly. “It’s in you, too. I knew it the first time I saw you.”

“There’s light in me too,” I insisted.

His face fell. “That’s the difference then. There was never any light in me.”

“Bullshit! Whether you remember it or not, you disagreed with what your mother stood for. You tried to help. You fell in love, and your children are the purest people I know. There’s no darkness in them, none at all, and that’s some kind of miracle. They had to get some of what they are from you, and there’s nothing dark about them.”

“Their mother—”

“She loved you until she stopped breathing. Why would she have done that if you were so bad? Stop letting them tell you who you are!”

Eddie’s voice whispered in my ear, echoes of his ideas running through my mind. Could I break
Phoenix
if I twisted hard enough? Was he the key to everything?

“Why did you do it?” he asked so low I barely heard him. “Why did you give her that gift of letting her forget? She deserved her punishment.”

“She might have deserved it, but it’s not up to me to sentence her. She’s old, and she was afraid, and I’m tired of being angry. I don’t want to be a victim anymore. Feeling sorry for myself was holding me back. I won’t ever apologise for what I am, and if people can’t accept that, then I’ll let them go for good.” I was panting by the end of my little speech, my heart racing. I was finally willing to let go of anyone who had punished me for what I was born to be. I didn’t hate myself. I welcomed both sides, and that didn’t make me a monster. Not anymore.

“What is it?” he asked. “Your face…”

“When we fought together, I relished the darkness,
Phoenix
, and I’m not ashamed of that anymore. I used to think of my gifts as my dirty little secret, but I’m proud of what I can do. I
like
it. I would rather be strong than beautiful. I would rather take care of myself than be protected. I’m not going to let guilt or shame hold me back anymore, and that’s why I asked you to take her memories, because I’m tired of being responsible for her guilt. I don’t have to own what she did. It doesn’t have to define me.”

He closed the space between us, the tension thickening. “And the man? Why did you punish him so?”

“I didn’t punish him!”

“You gave him
my
punishment, and you made me do it.” He hesitated. “Did you mean to punish
me
?”

“It wasn’t about you at all,
Phoenix
. Look, you need me if you want a relationship with the twins. I needed you to help me let go of the past. Deals and favours, that’s how this world works, right? Besides, I set Wes free,” I added, uncomfortable with the way he was looking at me. “He was in love with somebody who died a long time ago. It was time to let him move on.”

He brushed his thumb across my lips, mimicking the way I had left Wes. “He loved you, and you stole that from him. Just like my love was stolen from me. How could you do that?”

I pushed him away. “It’s not the same. You gave away your memories, remember? And what I did will keep him safe from me. But maybe losing your memories kept you alive. Maybe you would have died fighting if you remembered what was done to you.”

“But I’ll never know for sure.”

I gazed at him, full of pity. “I’m so sorry for that.”

“Can I see?” he whispered. “Can I see what it felt like for you?”

Before I could stutter an answer, his fingers were in my hair, tracing my scalp. I panicked as memory after memory flooded through my mind. Good memories, sweet ones. Memories of stolen glances and a first kiss and nights full of dreams. I lost myself in the memories, indulging one last time, and then it was over, and I was in
Phoenix
’s arms, supported by him because my legs had turned to jelly.

“I saw how he saw you,” he said under his breath, lifting me so we were face to face. He appeared intoxicated by the memories, obviously struggling to find something he had experienced but didn’t remember. “It was truly pure. How could you let that go?”

“She doesn’t exist anymore,” I whispered, vaguely aware that we were moving. “I moved on, and now he can, too.”

“But he didn’t want to.”

He bent his head, and for one crazy second, I thought he was going to kiss me. I hadn’t figured out what I thought about that when my back hit the bookcase and some things fell, distracting
Phoenix
from his strange mood.

He set me down, a frown marring his features. He bent and lifted a dagger, squinting at the handle. “Where did you get this?”

I stared at it for a moment before remembering. “Oh, right. I forgot I left that there. I told you about Emmett, right? When we got close to the truth about what happened to him, he was sent back from the slave markets, except he had a glamour over him that made him look like a monster. He was carrying this knife, and Peter thought he was attacking us. It got messy, but—”

“I have to go.” He turned, dagger still in hand, and left abruptly, leaving me wondering what the hell had just happened.

Esther and I sat together on a park bench, waiting for her Circle to show up, hoping they wouldn’t arrest or attack us both. Her knee bounced up and down, tipping off mine incessantly.

“Are you okay?” she asked. “You’ve been quiet all day.”

“Just thinking about this meeting. Stop fidgeting. I might throw up.”

In truth, I had been freaking out about
Phoenix
all day. His reaction to the favour I had asked of him had been unexpected. Although if I had really considered what I was doing, it would have been obvious. Of course he would see parallels to his own situation. I had just been so desperate to leave that life behind that I didn’t think about how it would affect him. He was unpredictable and mildly terrifying, but he was the father of two of my favourite people, and we couldn’t lose him to Fionnuala.

Esther leapt to her feet. “Here they are.” But her face fell.

“What’s wrong?”

“None of the shifters are here.”

I squeezed her hand. “Too risky for them, probably. Aiden would know if they lied to him, right? It’s better they didn’t come. Safer.”

She nodded, but her pained expression remained. Two figures came close, and Esther’s fidgeting worsened. They were both women, like all of Esther’s Circle. One was sharp featured and tall, her ash-blond hair tied up into a ponytail. The second was shorter, her long hair sleek and black except for the couple of inches of vibrant purple at the tips. She smiled at Esther as they approached.

“I’m so glad to see you both,” Esther said.

The blonde narrowed her grey eyes at me. “Why is she here?”

“Quinn, she’s my friend,” Esther said.

“And I’m here in case anyone decides to try to send Esther to the cells,” I said, disliking the way Quinn looked at me.

“We would never,” the second woman insisted. She threw her arms around Esther, holding her close. “We’ve missed you.”

Esther pulled away, beaming. “Alanii,
this
is Ava. She’s—”

“I know who she is.” Alanii’s unnaturally green eyes turned snakelike. “And I’m ready to take her on if I need to.”

To my surprise, Esther laughed. “Leave her alone.”

“We need to keep this quick,” Quinn said. “We can’t be seen with you.”

“I know,” Esther said. “It’s time we spoke properly, though.”

“It’s true then.” Quinn didn’t hide her disappointment. “You’ve chosen traitors over your brother, over
us
.”

“She’s trying to do the right thing,” I snapped.

“They call you a traitor, too,” Alanii told Esther. “Not in front of me, but still, they talk.”

“They say
she’s
poisoning you.” Quinn looked me up and down. “They’re calling you weak minded for falling for her lies. They say it’s better for you to die than continue to betray us.”

I asked, “Oh, and was Illeana a traitor, too? Or is Esther one because she’s upfront about what she’s doing?”

“Who are you to speak of our fallen sister?” Quinn asked in a tight voice.

“She was after the truth before us,” I said. “She was hunting down the same people we are.”

“Do you have proof?” Alanii asked.

I exchanged a glance with Esther. “Not exactly, but—”

“Then it’s just your word. I don’t know you,” Alanii said.

“You know
me
,” Esther replied. “I wouldn’t lie to you. Someone in the Council ran the slave markets. They’re sending assassins after us, killing innocent people. Illeana tried to get to the root of the problem before she died. I’m just following in her footsteps. There’s something very wrong, sisters. We need to stop it before more die.”

“You’re protecting rebels, Esther. Enemies.
Criminals
.” Quinn sounded exasperated.

“What were their crimes?” I asked. “Most of them came from rich or powerful families and are on the run for ridiculous reasons. They just want to go home and feel safe again.”

“Convince us, Esther,” Alanii said, “or join us again. We can’t go on as we are.”

Esther swallowed hard. “Alanii, you of all people can’t agree with what’s happening to the children from the slave markets. The Council talked about using them against the BVA’s army, until they remembered the werewolves they have locked away in a dungeon. You didn’t see it, how trapped the werewolves are. That could happen to any race of people. And the assassins have been trained for some purpose. I don’t know what, but some of them are Guardians. And they’re murdering other Guardians.”

Quinn adjusted her ponytail with trembling hands. “
Your
people are murdering the Guardians.”

“We’ve only fought the ones who attacked us,” I said firmly. “I’ve seen them turn on each other. Watch out for yourselves. You don’t know who to trust. The bad ones all seem to be tattooed, though.”

“Remember Garvin?” Esther asked. “The spirals that his entire Circle had?
They
are the enemy. And he tried to kill me. I didn’t want to fight him, I swear.”

Alanii licked her lower lip thoughtfully. “I told you the story about his death didn’t make any sense,” she said to Quinn.

“If there was really something going on, we would know about it by now,” Quinn said dismissively.

“Except you never got the meaty missions, did you?” I said slyly. “Your male counterparts have a completely different job from yours.”

Quinn’s smile was humourless. “That’s nothing new.”

“They underestimate you,” I said. “Or maybe they don’t think you would touch what they’re really doing. Illeana wanted to know, and she was prepared to die for it, according to her real sister.”

“It’s true,” Esther said. “I swear to you, this is all true.”

“You could help us,” I said. “We’re all trying to find out who our enemy is, who’s controlling the slave markets, but we need your help.”

“Loyalty is important to us,” Alanii said. “We can’t betray everything we know.”

“And Esther should be standing next to us, not you,” Quinn added.

I eyed both of them. “You protected her when we fought against the beasts. She could have hidden away like most of the Council, but she wanted to fight. And you cared enough about her to protect her. Did you see her afterward? Talk to her, or…?”

Alanii shook her head. “She was taken from us, and Aiden refused to let us see her.”

“That’s because he had me locked in a room, drugged up to my eyeballs,” Esther said fiercely. “He wouldn’t let me shift or heal. Does that sound like normal behaviour to you?
Phoenix
got me out of there.
Phoenix
!”

“You were badly injured,” Quinn said. “Perhaps your memories are unreliable.”

Esther made a disgusted sound. “I feel safer with the rebels than I did with my own brother. He’s my alpha. You know I had to fight to walk away from him. It causes me physical pain every single day. Do you really think I would put myself through this if I wasn’t
sure
?”

Alanii took Esther’s hand. “Oh, Esther, we know you believe what you’re doing is right, but—”

“So prove us wrong then,” I said.

“What?” all three said as one.

“If you don’t believe us, dig into it and prove us wrong.” I smiled. “If you can. I’ll walk away if you convince Esther she’s wrong.”

“I like this idea,” Alanii said. “We won’t have to kill her and upset Esther.”

“Talk to Gabe,” Esther said. “Hear him out and see what you think. Follow up on Illeana. The months before her death. Her sister told us she was working on something big. And some of her belongings are still missing. Maybe you could find them.”

Quinn flinched. Curious, I watched her, but she glared back at me with defiant eyes.

“We’ll do this if it will bring you back to us,” Alanii said solemnly. She cocked her head. “We
will
be the family we once were.”

“Be careful,” Esther said. “If anyone finds out what you’re doing, you could put yourselves in danger.”

Quinn let out a harsh laugh. “Nobody pays attention to us. You should know this by now. We’re the perfect people for this task.”

After Esther had reassured them some more that she was healthy and not brainwashed, they left, eager to get away from us.

“Think they’ll do it?” I asked Esther once they were gone.

“They’ll do what it takes,” she said. “Whatever comes. Just because the Council underestimated us doesn’t mean it was for a good reason.”

“And if you have to face Aiden? Go up against him in battle? Are
you
ready for whatever comes?”

Her nod was shaky. She could easily change sides at the last minute if the loyalty that was part of her DNA reared its head.

“Come on,” she said. “Let’s get home. It’s been a long day.”

We walked home together, but Esther had lost her light-heartedness. The niggling fear that she would eventually turn on us refused to leave, and I was glad when we got close to home.

Margie stood outside the cul-de-sac as we approached. She held out her hands. “Now don’t worry yourself,” she began.

“What happened?” Esther asked, but I had already imagined all of the worst possible scenarios.

“They’re bored,” Margie said, looking at me pleadingly. “They needed to blow off some steam, let loose a little.”

“What’s going on?” I was surprised by how hard my voice sounded.

“Some of them left for a bit to have a few drinks and—”

“How many left?” I demanded.

“Seven, I think, but—”

“Esther, take her inside. I’ll wait here.”

“Oh, Ava,” Margie said softly.

“I’m not discussing it. Get inside and warn everyone to leave me alone for a bit.” I was fuming too much to be around anyone I actually liked.

Esther led Margie away, and I focused inward. I was holding up too many strings for anyone to ruin it all for a drink in a pub. We had to protect what we had worked so hard for, especially when all of the pieces seemed to be coming together. Shay, Moses,
Phoenix
, Quinn and Alanii… they were all helping us grow closer to the truth.

Night had fallen by the time six figures strolled down the road toward the cul-de-sac. They sang as if celebrating. I was beyond disgusted to see Ry amongst them, leaning against Desmond. His brother had desired a few moments of freedom, but he had gotten caught and committed an awful suicide rather than face the Council’s judgement. And there was Ry, flaunting himself. The Council could have popped out of the shadows and arrested him in the time it would have taken me to reach the group.

“Uh-oh,” Desmond said loudly when they finally noticed me.

His voice was followed by laughter. Idiots. Complete bloody idiots.

“Now, Ava,” Ry said, slurring his words, “it was all a bit of fun. We were very…
very
stealthy.”

I stared at them coldly until the laughter died away. “Explain it to me. Explain to me why the
fuck
my landlady died protecting you people. Explain to me why any of us risked our lives to get you into the cul-de-sac. We could have left you there. You weren’t my responsibility, but I took you in.” I pointed at the houses. “The people who live here risked everything for a battle they had no part in, and here you are, throwing it back in their faces.”

“Come on now,” Desmond said. “You’re overreacting, girl.”

“Remind me,” I continued, “why I should make more deals to get magical protection over this place if you’re incapable of staying where it’s safe. Why the hell am I wasting my time running around playing these stupid games when you lot are ready to feck it all away for
nothing
?”

“Ava,” Ry said, “calm down. We didn’t think that—”

“Don’t even speak to me,” I snapped. “You, of everyone, should be ashamed of yourself after what happened to your brother. Do you want me to watch you die, too?”

“Who exactly put you in charge?” Desmond demanded, sounding suspiciously sober. “You’re a child. I don’t bow before you or anyone else. That’s the point of being a fucking rebel.”

“Some
fucking
rebel. Doing what you like while others risk their lives to keep you safe.”

“I don’t have to listen to you.” His tone was mocking. “Not now or ever.”

“If that’s what you think, then you’re obviously in the wrong place,” I hissed. “I’m not about to babysit some idiot who doesn’t know how to work as part of a team. If you can’t abide by the rules, then fuck right off.”

Desmond’s smirk lingered. “I’ll take many of them with me.”

“Good luck keeping them alive,” I said. “We’ll discuss it in the morning, see who wants to go and if we can spare you any supplies.”

His smile faltered. “What?”

“Exactly what I said. I’m not wasting my energy on people who don’t want my help. I’ll be glad to see you go. Means there’s more for the rest of us.”

“You’re power mad,” Desmond said.

I frowned. “Where’s the other one?”