Traitor (9 page)

“Probably,” Esther said. “Has Gabe heard anything?”

I shifted uncomfortably. “Gabe’s kind of going through something right now. I don’t think he’s in with the Council anymore. He didn’t even know Fionnuala was back.”

“You should warn Eddie Brogan that Fionnuala has returned,” Val said. “You need to please some allies.”

I nodded. “I suppose I could run over there.”

“Will Shay and Moe be there, too?” Carl asked.

I grinned. “He hates when you call him that.”

“Well, I hate that his scumbags deal drugs to people in my area,” he retorted.

I wasn’t touching that even with somebody else’s hands. I cleared my throat. “Again, that’s not all. Gabe told me that Esther’s Circle want to get in touch with her. Probably to convince her to return to them.”

Esther flinched and shook her head.

“This could be your chance to tell them your side of the story,” I said. “We could arrange a meeting, try to let them know that you haven’t gone over to the dark side, and see if they can help us out a little.”

She looked sick. “I don’t know if we can risk that. They could arrest me on sight.”

“They protected you when the beasts attacked,” I said gently. “They love you. That was obvious to everyone.”

“It might be our in with the Council now that Gabe isn’t the golden boy anymore,” Carl said. “You wouldn’t have to go alone.”

“What if they don’t believe me?” Esther asked. “The shifters have to follow my brother, whether they agree with him or not.”

“You managed to turn your back on him,” Val pointed out.

“I had no choice,” Esther said.

“You can think about it,” I said, hoping time would persuade her. “I would go with you.”

“They could arrest
you
,” she said.

“We can take the chance. I saw how protective they were of you. If they heard your side of the story, they might see that you’re right. We could really use some Guardians on our side, Esther.”

She nodded. “I’ll talk to Gabe about it.”

“Just be gentle with him,” I warned. “He’s a little over-sensitive right now.”

“He’s another one the rest of us don’t trust,” Carl said a little too sharply.

“I trust him,” Esther said. “And he did save Ava’s life. It would have been so easy for him to let her go, but he didn’t.”

Val nodded. “I agree. I may not trust the fae, but the angel made a deal with Ava. He can’t hurt us without hurting himself.”

I wasn’t about to admit that I had given Gabe the chance to break free. I noticed

 
Lorcan had been strangely silent. “You okay?” I asked him.

He nodded. “I was just thinking that you should update the humans. Away from Eddie Brogan.”

“I don’t want to be seen going over there,” I said.

Lorcan held up his hand. “You could meet the policeman elsewhere. Let him pass on messages.”

“But you definitely need to see Eddie first,” Carl warned.

I glanced at Esther, who was going to face her old Circle for me. The least I could do was make nice with the one person who could probably make a difference when all of the cards fell.

I didn’t enjoy visiting Eddie so often, but sometimes it was necessary.

“So we’re back to square one,” I said after telling him all about Fionnuala and
Phoenix
.

“Not necessarily,” he said thoughtfully.

“I take it you’re in the dark as much as Gabe.”

He nodded. “The changes have been subtle, but we’re slowly being pushed out to make room for fresh blood. Not all rebellions come from war, Ava.”

“So what are you going to do about it?”

He smiled. “I’m going to do what I do best. Wait and strike when they least expect it.”

I stared at him, wondering if the time would come when he would strike at
me
. “Any ideas on finding the assassins or the tattooist Val’s been searching for? The loose ends are making me itch.”

“
Marina
may be able to seek them out, but I suspect the protection over them is complicated. Otherwise, I would have discovered them by now.” He tapped his chin. “Tricky, tricky.”

“I’m more worried about the possibility that there’ll never be peace between humans and supernaturals. Are we stupid to even imagine it?”

“Stupid? No. But it will take time. Bigotry and ignorance survive longer than you might think.”

I frowned. “So what should I do next?”

“
You’re
asking
me
?”

I grinned. “You’ve been around longer than me. Seemed appropriate.”

He gave me a genuine smile. “What a turn for the books. I say, wait until the time feels right, but push gently whenever you can. Have you heard from Daimhín?”

“Nope. Is she in the country?”

“Perhaps she’s dead,” he said wistfully. “I’m curious about
Phoenix
. I think he might be Fionnuala’s weak spot. Can you twist him until he breaks?”

I frowned. “No.”

“Pity. We could use those werewolves.
Marina
could destroy them, but that might get messy.”

“Let’s leave
Marina
out of this.”

“You never know when she’ll come in handy,” he said. “Koda seems well, by the way.”

According to Lucia’s vision, Koda’s imminent death was supposed to spark change, but I couldn’t figure out how.

“Maybe Lucia was wrong,” I said.

“Perhaps. How I would love a chat with Eloise instead,” he said longingly.

“I’d hate to think what Daimhín would charge for five minutes with her seer,” I joked, but he flinched. I was getting really tired of being suspicious of Eddie.

“Oh,” he said. “How’s your grandmother these days?”

“Getting worse. The truth is hurting her right now. I don’t know what to do.”

“I wish I had the power to ease her mind.” He sounded genuine.

I blinked a couple of times. The conversation had sparked a couple of different thoughts that I longed to explore further. “I should go,” I said, wincing a little as I pushed away from the counter.

“Are you still wearing a bandage?” he asked.

“Nope,” I lied and walked out of his shop.

***

Val rang my phone as I sat curled up on the sofa, a hot-water bottle pressed against my belly.

“Leah wanted me to tell you that there’s a fae outside your door. Should I take his head?”

I tried not to laugh. “No, it’s okay. Tell her thanks. I’ve got this.”

I hung up, went to the door, opened it, and returned to the sofa. If he wanted to come in, he could, but I wasn’t in the mood to stand on my doorstep and try to figure him out. The front door closed, a few hesitant footsteps sounded in the hall, and
Phoenix
walked into the room. He cut a lonely figure, and I did pity him, but I wasn’t sure what he wanted from us, not truly.

“I needed some air,” he said, taking a seat next to me.

“So you came inside?”

“Anywhere is less suffocating than home.” He rubbed his chest and gazed around the room, anywhere but at me.

The silence made me uncomfortable. “What is it you’re looking for? You keep coming back here.”

“I don’t know what else to do.
They’re
here. The answers are here, and yet, they might as well be far away.”

“You’ll prove yourself, and then the twins will trust you. Everything will work out.”

“Will I?” he asked anxiously. “What if I can’t? What if I don’t deserve a chance with them?”

“For Fionnuala’s son, you’re pretty concerned about doing the right thing.”

He smiled, a faraway smile. “My mother once told me I was exactly like my father. She intended it as an insult, but the words meant the same as yours.”

“I heard about him.
Conn
, right?”

He turned in his seat, his eyes bright and eager. “What did you learn?”

“That he was a warrior, well loved by the fae. I heard that your mother only held on to her position because she married him. You disappeared after he died, and you suddenly reappeared when talk began about Fionnuala not having an heir.”

His hand went to his chest. “I remember him being dead. I remember seeing his body, but that’s when things start to blur. That was the beginning.”

I set down the hot-water bottle. “Thing is, I heard that he was sick in some way, but a witch cured him. Then he died of some wound.”

He gazed at me in horror. “Did I…? Was that why I was exiled? Because I caused my own father’s death?”

“No, idiot.”

He jerked as if I had slapped him.

I apologised swiftly. “I was thinking that maybe
Helena
cured him, that maybe you decided to run when he died because you knew what really happened to him.”

He sucked in a harsh breath. “You believe he was murdered by my mother, don’t you?”

“It fits with everything else that happened. Maybe you saw what your mother was really capable of, and you knew running was the only way to keep
Helena
out of her sights. But along the way, something went wrong.”

He pressed his palm to his forehead. “If only I could remember. Everything would be so much easier.”

I thought of
Nancy
. “Maybe it wouldn’t be. My grandmother’s memories are tormenting her. Maybe the memory loss is protecting you.”

“I would rather know. I don’t remember being in love. My wife must have been my first love. Do you know what that is like? And how it feels to lose it all? Because I don’t.”

I nodded. “I was separated from my first love. It took me a long time to get over it.”

“Tell me what happened.” He was so eager to know about other people’s experiences and memories that I couldn’t stop the words spilling out of my mouth.

“My grandmother was strict with me when I was a kid. Shit happened. I met a boy. Life got better. When I was eighteen, things got hot and heavy, and I almost drained him. I left and didn’t look back.”

“You never saw him again?”

“Actually, I saw him recently. My grandmother has Alzheimer’s. I didn’t know, but he’s been taking care of her.”

“Sounds perfect,” he said, looking surprised. “A second chance.”

“Not everybody deserves a second chance,” I said grimly.

“He’s not a good man?”

“He’s a great man. I was talking about me.”

“Is this to do with the child? The boy who lived with you. He and his father.”

I shook my head, sort of surprised. “No. It’s only to do with me. Sometimes you can’t go back. Even if you want to. Sometimes you shouldn’t go back. It’s not like with you and the twins. I really believe that you all knowing each other will make your lives better. I’ll only bring my old love danger and pain and fear because that’s all there is in my life. No matter what happens, something else comes along. And my grandmother… her memories of me are killing her, terrifying her. I can’t even go to see her because she freaks out so much.”

“I’m sorry,” he said. “I wish I could help.”

I caught his eye, and my heart raced in triple-time. “Actually, I think we might be able to help each other.”

***

My grandmother sat on a comfortable-looking armchair in the living room, moving knitting needles that held no wool, a frown furrowing her brow. She muttered rapidly under her breath, and after a moment, I realised she was praying. Tears rolled down her cheeks.

Wesley pushed me into the kitchen. “I told you she was deteriorating, Ava. She’s not comfortable here anymore.”

“I know,” I said. “I just wanted to say goodbye.”

“Goodbye?” He took my hands and squeezed them gently. “Don’t do it. Not again. We’ve only just found you.”

“It’s too complicated to explain,” I said. “I haven’t told you the truth about everything that’s been happening, and that’s because you don’t belong in my world.”

“I’ve always belonged to you.”

I squeezed my eyes shut to stop the memories flooding my mind. His hand left mine and stroked my cheek. I automatically leaned into his palm.

“Don’t leave this time, Ava.”

“I’m sorry I hurt you,” I said. “It won’t happen again. It’ll be over soon.”

“What are you talking about?” he whispered.

“I need you to forget about me.”

He leaned his forehead against mine. “Never.”

He kissed me, and I wrapped my arms around his shoulders, feeling like a teenager again. Everything he had done for me—the way he protected me, did his best to make me happy and to show me how to fit in—it all returned to me. I remembered his kiss and how much I had once needed him. But those days were over. I didn’t need him anymore. I wasn’t a victim. I refused to ever be a victim again. And I needed to leave that past behind. I needed to move forward without it dragging me back down.

I broke away, a little breathless. “Goodbye, Wes.”

“What?”

“You can come in now,” I called out, running my thumb along Wesley’s bottom lip.

Phoenix
stepped through the doorway behind me. I took one last look at Wes, hoping he would always be okay. I went back into the living room and knelt before
Nancy
. She had put her knitting needles aside, and her hands lay in her lap. She smiled serenely at me.

“Hello,” she said brightly.

“Hi,” I replied in a soft voice, gazing at the face I had once feared, and later, felt tremendous guilt over. I would always make sure she and Wesley were watched over, but I couldn’t keep coming back and upsetting her. I had to let them go, for their own good.

“Do I know you?” she asked, her smile fading.

“No,” I said. “Not anymore. But I’d still like you to know that deep down, I’ve always had love for you. I never wanted to disappoint you. I kept waiting for you to be proud of me, but I don’t need that anymore. And I don’t need to carry around this anger and bitterness either. It’s a burden I don’t want. So I forgive you for everything you’ve done because I know it wasn’t all your fault. Not… not all of it.” I patted her hand and stood.

Her face cleared. “Oh, do you know my son? He’s such a good boy.”

“We haven’t met. Maybe someday.”

I left the house then, unable to bear her presence for another second. I tried not to think about Wesley, about stealing his memories away. To keep from begging
Phoenix
to leave Wesley alone, I walked away from my old life, from my memories, from my past. I took steps toward an uncertain future, but one that wasn’t linked to my worst memories.

I didn’t look back.

***

Later that evening, somebody slammed a fist against my door. I might have ignored the interruption if it hadn’t been so loud.

I yanked open the front door, ready to unleash my wrath, but
Phoenix
stood there, shaking with fury. His anger terrified me, and I stepped back.

He stormed in, slammed the door behind him, and clutched my arms. “Did you know that in order for me to hide somebody’s memories, I have to
see
them? I have to relive them,
feel
them.”

I shook my head, unable to even squeak out a sound. His grip hurt, but the lack of control in his eyes was what scared me the most.

“Our childhoods were not dissimilar,” he whispered. “Yours was a reminder of mine.”

I shrugged him off. “We don’t need to talk about it.” I headed toward the living room.

He followed me, but he was so hyped up that he didn’t seem to be able to sit down, so I didn’t either. We faced each other in the middle of the living room, the air practically frizzing with tension.

“They tried to mould me, too,” he said, his eyes too bright. “But they couldn’t change what I was.”

“What were you?”

“Wrong,” he said, his half-smile wry. “Too full of ideals for her, too dark to actually make a difference. This, I remember.”