Translated Accounts (17 page)

One wondered about it, there is the taste of nausea, one wishes for water another gives it. Not cleansing, the wish for water, drinking water, it is nausea, what is the taste, dirt and metal, if
it is.

People are still. Men not moving, I said men, only men, and these two one older one younger, I said it. Older than I. I was then younger, of course. But younger than them, yes, than these two.
They did not pull me to them. Yes he pulled me to him, I said that. I was not violated. I said that I was not. Hands were at my shoulders yes hands were at my shoulders, what is that

What is there I am to say, what can there be. It is not serious. It would have been said. I would have said. I do not know on these other matters.

This cannot be said to me

We heard of matters, I have heard, in whispers, said not to me, I was hearing, only hearing of the other place but not then knowing, knowing nothing. If there were bodies we know nothing I know
nothing

What of bodies, if these are dreams, people who may be friends, not so friends, if we are to save them, enemies, acquaintances, who are they, if these are people, yes, also.

I can begin again. Problems of life. Talk to me of death. Yes it was walking it was walking. I. I was walking. Hours of the morning always hours of the morning. And the silence, only breaths.
And shall we be alive shall we be alive we are to be alive, it is said survival. I said that men grouped round and silence, their breaths only. Some sounds. Slight. Noises. Rustling. Masturbating
of course masturbating men will masturbate of course of course we are to be alive, I say it. Yes I say it, we are to be alive, women could not go there, girls could not be taken, it is nothing, not
serious.

Of course at night time too. There could not be light. Yes we are also alive. Life has different forms. It is my thought that our heart slows, our requirement is lesser oxygen for these several
tasks. Any task. What is to be done. In the dark I would walk to where. The outer encampment. No, what other matters. We would see the mountains. Not mounds, if mounds were there, if in the other
place, I do not know of bodies.

I have heard. I could not proceed beyond that outer area.

There were breaths.

Where.

Between the huts breaths, yes, breaths of men, not of talking, whispered as breaths, breaths yes as whispers, for it is true I know I think might be, that I did hear of the other place, these
matters but I did not go to there, lying beyond the perimeter.

I do not know. What mounds are, if these are there, I do not know.

There was the other man. He did not speak. I did not hear him speak. Whispers, breaths. I do not know. I did not know men there, of course from other sections.

It was the outer perimeter

clearest in the vicinity of the mountains I could see out and see such a vision. I could come to a place of danger, of course. Yes one could be killed to come there, I too.

Talk to me of death.

I have said.

I can speak.

No not when dark. Daylight. Dawn would break. Men stayed, returned. None said to me of the other place. None said to me come to there. If men were taken to there I was not. I do not know of that
other matter, if of the younger man I do not know, do not know of it.

My father is old, old man. How should that be said. I should say it. Why I should, I should not.

If men were taken to there I was not taken.

I did not know other men. None others, that I knew. No sweetish smells were there. Yes if the other man was older, it is possible, I think so. Yes dark, very dark, always very dark, and shadows,
between these buildings. Men arrived, departed.

It was not possible. It was not violation. I did not see others. I do not know what others have reported.

Men lose interest, they ejaculate, depart. I also. Some returned, yes, I have said. Nothing is to deny, I have nothing to deny. It is not serious.

I do not know about that other matter. Nothing of the other man, older man, he had the top covering, I did not see uniforms. We did not look to one another, to faces.

Nothing more than that.

I said.

Not me. I do not know.

It was dark, dark and the shadows. Yes then why not. I said not I said yes then why not, it is nothing, I was there he was there I have said. I reported, they were there, many such, I said. Men
see only in sex, bodies. I do not know, he had regard for me. Over and over. Nothing. I know not of that other matter. None said to me. If others were invited I was not, knowing nothing. I know
nothing, nothing, I know nothing. I know nothing more. I have said. I did not see him he did not see me.

If he wore the uniform I did not see it. If others were by force I do not know. If he was at that other place I do not know. I do not know. I was not one. I heard in whispers these were
whispers, not spoken to me. I heard these others. Whispers. I do not know. I do not know, do not know them. None spoke but in sex, and fiercely, as arousal. Not violation. I do not know. Myself not
myself. Not violation. I do not know.

Violence. Yes death, talk to me of death. Mutilation, yes, talk to me now, now to talk now talk to me. I do not know these other matters, that other place.

He was not my friend. I did not know him, if he was an enemy. When I went to there. I saw it to be him, then that I did know him and saw then that he had a regard for myself. I did not know. He
it was, he pulled me to him. If he was by invitation to that other place I do not know, did not know, had no communication, not with him. In that section we did not speak, were not colleagues, not
acquaintances. I did not know him. I saw him yes saw him, what is that saw him, he was not in my area. Afterwards he did not return. I did not see him and know nothing.

My mind wishes to turn from this. It is my belief that our bodies are whole things and that mind and body are one, so that the mind, wishing to turn from an object, gives its message to the body
and so there is nausea and concentration departs.

My concentration.

I shall speak. I have said it. I can say it again, I shall say it again. What am I to say?

It was the foreign authority. He pointed his finger to me, saying, Ah but you are known, I am not, I am a shadow in the world. They do know you. This is why you are here. Come
now, we do not fabricate. Sit down. A chair nearby him, he was pointing. I sat down, and he said to me, These people move as though wearing dark overcoats or cloaks. They abuse themselves and each
other, they believe they are performing heroic feats but they are not.

I only listened. All forms of control lay in my grasp. I was in control, so I considered it, as to how I should conduct myself, more, as in control of the movements governing myself, intently,
yes, that I might stare to all such individuals, listening to those who would speak to myself.

Their luck was bad that day.

Vigilant, without cowardice.

People often are innocent.

They continue to serve while others continue to rule. (Who speaks of children?)

A form of madness prevailed. When they spoke none listened, instead making much of the manner that it was said, and if one smiled so much the worse.

Myself

These people were thankful to receive their lives. They humbled themselves as to deities. Among these deities were authoritys. To the authoritys these people offered prayers that they might
serve beyond themselves unto death, willingly, all that they asked if to remain as they are and have been, if only to retain that which they had, or have, and if this be nothing, and if it is so,
yes, then so it is and is, and to carry out iniquities that they so may survive, clinging onto what they so have, nothing, yes, why of course, what do you ask, let me insert the needle.

It is a great and wonderful thing that nothing is known of this, of any of it.

They do not fight that their families may discover a method of escape. This is not fight.

None propagates this.

If they wished not to confront

A strength can negate blood. This is what they believe. This is the strength.

They do overestimate the position.

They did not see it of myself. I can laugh.

The hatred beyond speech is a commonplace

Who are taught to revere

No distinction, not between adults and children, none

when they looked to me these looks were not such as should occur, and cannot occur, not between equals, as inter human beings

They were patient but watchful and curious in regard to myself, that I survive as I appeared to them. But how did I appear to them. They would invite me to sit, yes rest, rest there. He also,
one I had marked, foreign authority, as he said, do I believe so, if I do believe so. All supposed that they knew but what was known by them, if something indeed was known, it was not any thing,
not for myself, myself myself, they knew nothing, he knew nothing, thinking I am easily trapped, so, colleague from mars. They did not have even the conception. Was I there to advise them I was not
to advise them. If someone else could do it, I do not think so. Was it possible, I do not think so. What my life has been. Do I come from a place, terrortory, is this a place where people are. Am I
one person of this people, singular fellow unique man as a being, human being, what I am

what they do to myself, thinking of myself. What is courage. I know it of people

Conversations took place rarely in public, people would not put themselves at risk. To listen, a pause, that was enough.

I am to speak, what I say, to whom is to be said, foreign authority of national security council who is, he to myself, he points to myself. Each other is smiling, patient

no thing beyond the act that they performed in order to survive. Surviving the moment, I have said it.

This is how I think of them, how I then thought of them, that they existed until they might walk no longer, then lie on their backs or sides, they would die.

It is my courage

While they were waiting.

But none waited, there was no one, no children, no women. Men women boys girls all were equal, babies also, hear babies, how they breathe, listen to these lungs, hear these lungs, they are of a
baby, the baby is seventy years of age, the baby cannot breathe, baby’s lungs. What should I do. I can be honest or not. Who returns to our home

Let me go over it I can go over it. So I said to him, to all of them, such authoritys, who might there be. There is nothing to conceal. What can there be to conceal. I have no home so cannot
come to it. Have you a parent, grandparent. There is nothing to conceal. What can there be to conceal. You want it of myself, if you require it

That was said. Yes, I said it to them and have heard it of others

These voices continue. Let them. What can we do. I could have done nothing other. There was not any judgment. But I also must answer, yes.

It is not courage. If they will kill me

They torment

And people also observe. Of course. These emotions are no recourse, are meaningless.

People themselves will gain, from observation. We approve, or not, approve disprove, disapprove. They would begin with myself, observing without objective. I said it to them. Some replied that
matters might go untouched, not particularised, seen as future strength, even individually, used by the securitys in bargaining, even as to myself

so what is that that I am to say

my movements, to talk of them

yes there are fools, all know, the foreign authority also, so thinking

But those for whom we were perceived they watched us, they watched me. Their eyes might flicker. The feature that was consistent was sardonicism. They were not angry, not
irritated. It was beyond a personal emotion but holding true only should the circumstances not alter. If I/we had given rise to inconsistency emotional alterations might have taken place and in the
past I had given rise to anger. The most common effect if not immediate impatience was frustration, the frustration of the individual, not unkindly. But soon it yields impatience then irritation,
yet within the impatience is the seed of the sardonicism. If the sardonicism was always to follow, if I knew this to hold true always, then on behalf of others I might relax, have relaxed, I think
I did. For myself, I had to contain my inner life. Ever-watchful. If I was stopped the mistake could never be theirs, never of their manufacture. My circumstances were awkward and difficult and
this was assumed. They were obliged to assume this until they might intuit something other. Once that was made into its place, put into there, then I was altered, become a hostile presence, so that
for then, until then, I was present under false pretences.

I know this as a juncture. It can arise on the road to a freedom, what is mistaken for freedom. This idea is necessary to take the step, to progress beyond that juncture, before setting oneself
the task, of getting to it.

If I continue under false pretences.

Yes, what then?

It need not be a point towards something further.

Others were offered inducements, I was not. I was not forced, nor physical pressures put to me, onto me. It did not happen. I can say it did not. I shall not deny the thing. Is it reality. Then
it is reality, if it is reality it is so.

What then, these other voices.

These other voices never cease. Varied elements, words sometimes distinct. The people there did not notice the voices. They had their own thoughts, deeper thoughts, deeply, more, some having
strategies, existing within these strategies. Perhaps they have reached midway, now, perhaps further, soon they will awaken and will re-enter the world. I am part of this world. For now, until
then, they do not (cannot) perceive me.

Should I be allowed this?

Yes, not as licence, I should be allowed this not as licence, having come to there. I have arrived to there. Yes a journey

None thinks the value of what we do diminished. Selection is resolved earlier, it is prior to what we do. What we do is no less integral. It should not be downgraded, this at
all costs. To downgrade what we do is a knife-thrust into the core of that culture which is to say their culture, I do not say ours.