Trouble (26 page)

And panic.

I’m panicking. My muscles locking with the fear controlling me.

I’m going to be sick.

“Stop.
Please,
stop.” I’m breathless, pushing at his hand.

I need him off me, now.

Jordan removes his hand from my t-shirt instantly, putting it onto the truck above my head. “Jesus, I’m sorry. Mia, are you okay?” He searches my face. “Tell me you’re okay? Shit, I moved too quick. I wasn’t thinking. I’m so sorry.” He’s shaking his head.

“It’s okay, I just … I wanted…” I can hardly catch my breath. “I think … I just … I can’t. Not right now. I’m so sorry.”

“Mia, no…” He rests his forehead against mine. “You don’t have to explain. You never have to explain to me. And don’t
ever
be sorry. I’m the one who’s sorry. I just got lost in you for a moment there, but it won’t ever happen again.” His tone is vehement, full of promise. “From now on, I follow your lead. We go as slow, or as fast as you want.”

The sound of his voice, his words, calm me – soothe me like nothing I’ve ever known.

“Okay,” I breathe.

It takes me a moment to gather myself, but when I do, I take his face in my hands. “You’re the best person I’ve ever known, Jordan.”

He stares into my eyes for a long moment. “Ditto, babe. Ditto.”

Chapter Seventeen

Jordan

I’ve completely screwed things up with Mia.

Not surprising as this is me we’re talking about. I started thinking with my cock instead of my brain when I had her pressed up against Wade’s jeep.

She felt so fucking amazing against me, and I wanted her so bad, but then she start panicking, her fear was palpable.

And I felt like the world’s biggest asshole.

I still feel like an asshole.

I know what she’s been through, but I just dove straight in. I should have asked if it was okay to touch her; I should have checked that every move I made was okay. I just thought from the way she was being with me that she was okay and that she was right there with me.

How fucking wrong was I?

She was quiet after that, not surprising. I drove us up to this ridge which is covered with wildflowers and has a great view of the canyon. I thought she would like it up there, and I was right. She seemed to perk up slightly, and was back to herself soon after, but not completely back to how she’d originally been with me. The openness from her and the sense of closeness it gave me was gone.

She’d shut down.

We ate, did some more sightseeing, and I made sure not to touch her the whole time.

It was hard, but I said I’d follow her lead and I meant it.

She didn’t make any move to touch me.

That was three days ago.

We haven’t kissed, touched, or held hands, since.

We’ve been to the movies, to dinner, just hanging out at the hotel, but it’s like we’re back to the way we were before – just friends.

Yesterday, we had another unsuccessful trip out to find her mother.

With only two Anna’s left, Mia couldn’t pick which one to go to, so she’d made me choose. Not easy to do, so I’d just shut my eyes and jabbed my finger at the paper. That was how I’d picked our next Anna to visit. I only wish I had got the other one because this one was the same as the last.

Not Mia’s Anna.

At first, I’d thought she was. Blonde and tiny, just like Mia. A really nice lady. When I’d told her why we were there, she took us inside, sat us in the living room and made us tea. Then she proceeded to tell us, in a really nice way, why there was no way she could be Mia’s mother.

She couldn’t have children.

To say I’d felt like complete shit was an understatement.

We chatted awhile, but I felt Mia slowly slipping farther away. I hated the feeling more than I could begin to express.

Anna offered us more tea, so out of politeness I’d said yes. As Anna got up to go to the kitchen, she’d paused and turned to Mia.
“If I had been blessed with a child, then I would have wanted one as lovely as you.”

It had been a compliment, but it had hurt Mia. I could see it written all over her face…

“Are you okay?” I asked her quietly.

“Yes.”

I wasn’t sure if she had heard me or not. She was transfixed, watching Anna Monroe with curiosity. And longing. I could see it plain on her face. I knew Mia wished that she were her mother.

It made me hurt for her. And I worried that coming here had been a mistake. I was starting to think this search for her mother was causing her more harm than good, when Mia stood abruptly.

“You okay?” I asked again, getting to my feet and moving toward her.

Her blue eyes came to me, but she wasn’t there. She was already some place lost, and buried deep in those beautiful blues was panic. She thought she was hiding it, but I saw it.

Because I see her.

“I have to go,” she uttered, her eyes flitting to the front door.

I know when Mia needs to leave, there’s no small talk, no pleasantries. She just has to go – I’d figured that out from the visit to the first Anna Monroe.

Nodding, I took her cold hand. “Sure, babe. Let’s go.”

And I got her out of there.

Mia hadn’t talked the whole ride back home, and the instant we’d arrived, she’d just got out of the car, and went straight to her room.

I’d left her be.

I didn’t see her the whole night. I knew she needed space, so I gave it to her.

When she came out of her room this morning, she looked weary and drawn, not like herself at all. She told me she was going out, and I was disappointed.

I miss her.

I know it sounds crazy because I see her all the time, but I miss being able to touch her. Miss just being with her.

She’s been out all day. I’m starting to think she might be avoiding me.

Honestly, I don’t know what to think.

And thinking is all I’ve done, and it’s messing with my head.

I hate not knowing where I stand with her. Are we back to being just friends? Have I fucked it up completely with her? Has she changed her mind about me … us?

I can’t just come out and ask her. I’m worried if I do, I’ll hear something I don’t want to.

I stand up, feeling irritated and frustrated, and angry with myself. It’s a fucking hot day, and it hasn’t cooled with the sun going down.

Dozer lifts his head and gives a sad sigh. He’s missing her too.

Fuck this. I need to cool off.

I strip my tank and shorts off, leaving just my boxer shorts on. I run toward the lake, down the boardwalk, and dive straight in.

The cold waters hits me, making me feel instantly clearer. I swim under the water until my lungs start to burn, forcing me to resurface. I scrub my hands over my face, drying off the water, and push my hair back. Blinking the water off my lashes, I tip my head back and float in the water as I stare up at the sky.

I’ve no idea how long I stay there like that, but when I decide to swim back, I push my legs down and lift my head to see Mia standing at the edge of the boardwalk watching me.

She looks like an angel silhouetted by the glow of the early evening sky.

Taking a deep breath, I swim to her, reaching a few feet from the boardwalk when I’m stopped in my tracks.

Fingers gripping the hem of her shirt, she pulls it over her head, dropping it to the floor.

The air is knocked out of me, and I can only stare at the gorgeous sight of her. Denim shorts and a white lace bra make for a sexy image.

She looks like a fucking angel. A sexy fucking angel.

Then she unbuttons her shorts and slides them down her legs, stepping out.

She’s wearing matching lace panties.

Thank you god.

I’m transfixed. I have never seen anything as beautiful as her.

Sitting on the edge of the boardwalk, she swings her legs in the water. Hands on the sides, she slides down, submerging herself.

She swims close to me. “Hi,” she says quietly.

“Hi.”

“I’m sorry I haven’t been around. I just—”

I shake my head. “Mia, you don’t have to explain anything—”

“Yes, I do. And I will. But not right now. Right now, all I want is for you to kiss me … and make love to me.”

Fuck. Me.

I suck in a breath.

I want her.
Really
want her.

Half an hour ago, I would have sold my Mustang if it meant I could be with her.

But now … I don’t know what this means. She’s been gone all day, and now she turns up, strips off her clothes, and tells me she wants me to make love to her.

My cock is telling my brain to shut the fuck up, and just do it, but my head is worried if I do, I’ll only end up pushing her further away.

“I need you, Jordan …
please
,” she whispers.

Hearing her plead like that … I’m done for. Add in the fact that I haven’t had sex for weeks, and she is the most beautiful woman I’ve had the privilege to know, and my willpower is shot to fucking hell.

My hand goes to the back of her head and I bring my mouth crashing down to hers.

She moans, her arms instantly going around my neck, her legs wrapping around my waist.

Jesus fucking Christ.

I wrap both my arms around her tiny waist, kissing her like there’s no breath left in my body. Like she’s my lifeline. With our mouths melded together, I lick the inside of her mouth. She tastes like a mixture of candy and mouthwash.

Her hands slide down my arms, into the water and then across my back. Her fingers creep into the elastic of my boxers.

“I want you,” she breathes into my mouth.

Then my goddamn brain has to kick back in. I really fucking hate my brain at times.

“Wait.” I pull back, breathing hard.

The disappointment shows clear in her eyes. I take her face in my hands.

“We don’t have to do this now. I’ll wait, however long you need. I just want to be with you. That’s all that matters. Sex can come later.”

Her grip on my boxer shorts increases, and I can feel her nails digging in my skin. “I don’t want to wait. I want you
now
. I want to feel normal and complete and whole, and I feel all those things when I’m with you.”

My heart sinks.

I shake my head, solemn. “Babe, having sex with me isn’t going to change how you feel about yourself. Those things will still be there afterwards.”

Who the fuck am I nowadays? Dr. Fucking Phil?

“But they’ll be gone for a time.”

I shake my head again because I don’t know what else to do. To be honest, I’m feeling pretty fucking gutted right now.

Her gaze lowers. “You don’t want me,” she whispers, starting to pull away.

The tone in her voice almost kills me.

Keeping hold, I force her eyes to mine. “I want you, babe.
Believe
me, I want you like I’ve never wanted anything before in my life. I can think of nothing else
but
you. What it would feel like to be inside you. I want you because I’m gone for you.” I let out a light sigh, my gaze dipping. “But I want you to have sex with me because you want it for the same reasons as I do – and no other reason.”

She leans in and sucks my bottom lip into her mouth. “I want you because, since the day I met you, I’ve thought of nothing else but what it would feel like to have you inside me.”

And just like that, my brain is gone.

I kiss her with everything I have. I kiss her like I don’t know how long I have left with her. And maybe that’s because I don’t.

She rubs herself up against my aching cock, and the need to be inside her becomes urgent.

“Fuck, Mia,” I groan.

Keeping hold of her, I wade through the water and walk up the bank, not wanting to let go of her for one second, with only one destination is in mind – my bed.

Mia’s hands are gripping my shoulders, nails digging in my damp skin. Her wet tits are pressed up against my chest, begging for me to touch them.

Sliding the palm of my hand over the lace of her bra, I rub her already hard nipple through it. Then I move my hand up, around the nape of her neck, driving my fingers into her hair, I take her mouth again in a deep, hard kiss.

She moans a sound so fucking erotic that I almost lose my shit right here.

When I finally reach my room, I kick the door shut, then lay her down on my bed.

My room is in darkness, the only light coming in through the window. I really want to see her, so I reach for the lamp, but she stops me.

“Leave it off.”

What? Why?

I want to see every gorgeous inch of her, but because it’s her, and I know she’ll have her reasons, I let it go and slowly retract my hand.

We can forego the light, but after tonight, I’m going to have every light in this goddamn room on so that I can see every beautiful inch of her.

I stare down at her, letting my eyes adjust to the dark. I see the creamy skinned silhouette of Mia on my bed, and it turns me on in a way I didn’t know possible.

I’ve never had a woman in my bed before. This has always been my space, but I want to share my space with her. I want her here. I want her in every aspect of my life.

Climbing up on the bed, I kneel between her parted legs.

I lean over her, hands pressing into the mattress either side of her head. I dip my mouth down and kiss her once.

Then I trail my hand with featherlight movements down her face, going down her neck until I reach the peak of breasts where her still damp skin awaits me.

“Is this okay?” I check before diving in.

“Yes.” She sounds breathy and sexy. So damn hot.

Lifting her hand to my head, she slides her fingers into my damp hair.

I free one strap off her shoulder, letting it fall as I move the cup, freeing her breast.

Her nipple is taut, and so very ready for me.