Trouble finding Blondie (23 page)

Simona didn’t finish the sentence because another culinary wonder just appeared out of nowhere. Sweet shellfish and leeks in a coconut sauce. She was cleaning the plate so hard that it made Philippe laugh out loud.

“You are going to break that plate. What happened to leaving something for God?”

“God has to forgive me tonight.”

“Haha. Con mucho gusto.”

“Philippe, confess. Did you tell them my favorites?”

“Favorites? Are you kidding? It would have to be the size of a bible.”

The next dish arrived, and the Maitre D’ came personally to explain the signature ‘egg’ dish. Simona’s eyes were getting big, like a kid seeing a Christmas tree. It was made up of a runny egg yolk with a cheesy creamy bubble holding it all in. When broken, it erupted in tiny fireworks of aromatic truffles and walnuts. After the egg dish, Simona asked the waiter to elaborate on the rest of the courses.

“Why are you spoiling the surprises?” Philippe asked. “It’s so unlike you.”

“Seriously? You know I won’t be able to eat at this pace, all this rich food. I already got my favorite coconut milk and truffles. I have to know what to skip, especially if there is a grand prize at the end.”

“What’s the grand prize?”

“Kobe Beef with Foie Gras, aubergine, black garlic, and kumquat.”

“So, you are going to skip everything in between?”

“Hmm. Just pace myself better maybe.”

“What if the grand prize is going to be a disappointment?”

“Better than hating myself for being full and not enjoying it at all. Besides, how can Kobe beef be a disappointment in Spain?”

“Point taken. How about dessert?”

“Well, you know my philosophy about that. We are not skipping dessert, especially not in this establishment.”

Philippe couldn’t help but feel like he succeeded getting Simona into a great mood. All her senses were satisfied. She couldn’t be more relaxed.

“I’m ready, Simo.”

“I’m all yours, Philippe.”

Philippe paused for a second to think about that statement, realizing how he would love to hear it with a different meaning.

“You said I’m cracked and I should go explore, instead of patching it or turning away from it.”

“Well, not sure if those were my actual words, but you got the point.”

“ATTRAVERSIAMO.”

“I’ll hold your hand all the way. I’ll catch you if you stumble. You are safe Philippe...”

“That’s it. That’s the feeling I have. I feel safe with you. I never felt that. I never understood that. I didn’t have that, even as a kid.”

“I get that, Philippe. I know how that feels. But you had to find people whom you trusted before.”

“Yes, my mentors. But in my personal life it was mostly disappointments or full on betrayals.”

“You can’t have intimacy if you don’t open the door. Otherwise it’s a very lonely life.”

“Yes, it is. But you don’t miss it because you don’t know any better.”

“How is it different with me then?”

“Francois’ birth, you fighting for your life, it changed me.”

“You mean scarred you for life?”

“Maybe. But I had feelings I didn’t know how to handle.”

“You mean you had no control over the situation, and you felt helpless?”

“All of those. And some I’m ashamed of...”

“You mean like leaving? We already dealt with that. You apologized. I told you I understood.”

“That doesn’t make it any better. I was a coward.”

“No, Philippe. If I were in your shoes, in your circumstances, I would have done the same. And in that state, you were no good to anyone anyway. It was absolutely the right decision of self preservation.”

“You don’t need to do this, Simo...”

“Philippe, I truly mean it. Truth be told, it wasn’t just you. It was me, too. I couldn’t stand you to see me in such a needy, broken position. I wasn’t ready to be vulnerable either. If we are being raw and honest, I didn’t do great myself.”

“You were stronger still. You made me come back.”

“That one was from my guilt trip. It was for you to see the happy ending, not the nightmare memory.”

“Simo, I cursed, I dared and begged God that night. I’m ashamed to say I would have hated Francois if you wouldn’t have survived…”

“No, you wouldn’t. You would see me in him...”

“No, Simo. I would hate him. I would see him as the cause of you dying in front of me.”

“We can argue this back and forth, but we will never know. So let it go.”

“I had to tell you. I feel guilty and ashamed about that,” Philippe said. “But it is true.”

“Philippe, you punished yourself enough. You punished me, too.”

“What do you mean?”

“You almost ruined our Christmas. It took you weeks to get out of it. You went to all the events and parties in Paris. I was staying at the chateau, recovering, enjoying my newborn, reading stories about you in the tabloids while you were coming in late at night and leaving early morning.”

“I remember. You cornered me and threatened to leave because you felt you were not welcome there.”

“It was like a magical switch after that but we never talked about it. Why did you drive after all the parties to the country instead of enjoying your hot dates in Paris?”

“I couldn’t touch another woman for a long time. I was impotent.”

“What?? I only knew you had a breakdown on your way home. I was being patient, but you were so angry. I didn’t know what to do. You provided everything I needed, every comfort in the world, all the help and staff. But all I wanted was you, and that wasn’t on the menu.”

“I was angry because I couldn’t go back to my life, I couldn’t be the same guy. That night in the hospital changed me forever. I didn’t know how to be this new person. I was never scared like that. I never knew that you can care so much about another human being. I would give any organs they needed to save you. I was ready to cut them out myself. I couldn’t process my own thinking. I rationalized my reactions. Intellectually it was all bizarre, emotionally unknown.”

“You held on, and I survived.”

“That’s another thing. You beat all the odds. 30% was given by science. The rest was your sheer determination to live.”

“The rest was God, Philippe. I have no doubt about that.”

“Not sure there. I was cursing Him pretty badly.”

“Haha. Don’t worry. He has mercy and a sense of humor. You have been forgiven.”

“Francois healed me. His innocent soul healed my tormented soul. I spent hours at night with him. I even woke him up sometimes.”

“What? I thought I was too exhausted and didn’t hear him. I thought that was why you always brought him to nurse.”

Philippe smiled. Simona had to let go of his hands for the dessert to be served. She asked for French pressed coffee for both of them.

“I meant what I said in Paris. You brought sunshine to my life. You and Francois are my sunshine.”

“And we are not the Sassy Red and Arrogant Rich anymore. We have not been for a long time.”

“I wrote many times what you mean to me. I read all my confessions last night.”

“Am I ever going to see them?”

“My mental torment and anguish? Maybe not. But I’m here, and I’m open...”

“Well, thank you, Jesus. It only took you eight months. Now what?”

“Do you ever wonder why we never crossed that bridge?”

“Attraversiamo?” Simona was smiling like a little girl. She had her winning smile, her check mate eyes. She was pleasantly relaxed, taking it all in, and embracing the moment.

“Because I wasn’t open? How come you didn’t cross over to me? Yeah, yeah, you didn’t want to be just one of ‘them.’ That’s old and abused. Come up with something original.”

“Fair enough. It started with the physical attraction. Then it was mental games, infatuation, and when you became too important to me, we crossed right to the intimacy of friendship. You earned my trust. I wasn’t gonna mess with that for a night of passion.”

“Well, right back at you. Your wittiness, your friendship, loyalty, all of it was something so rare. I wasn’t going to jeopardize that either.”

“I have watched you with women. You have game. And humor. You crack five jokes, and every chick is cooked. Your humor will get you laid with a 100% success ratio.”

“It’s only 99%.”

“I don’t count.”

“It’s the same with you. You can hook and cook any fish. You just don’t eat them. And that is what I love about you.”

Philippe pulled a card out of his jacket and handed it to Simona. She lifted her eyes to his. “Open now?”
 

“Yes, please…”

Simo!
 

Nothing is certain in life, our dinner tonight included. I wanted to tell you something without emotions, regardless of the outcome.
 

I empathize with the very difficult position you’re in. I made peace with your life moving into a different direction when I sent Andre to you.
 

Your uncertainty stirred my emotions around, and yes, my fear of losing the two of you got me into a panic mode.

I cherish what we have, what we built, and I wouldn’t compromise any of it for the whole world. I’m here to “Attraversiamo”. Because that’s the only way forward.
 

We are past the attraction, the curiosity, the play, even the games. We are in deep waters that for me are “unknown” on many different levels.
 

You said you will hold my hand, and I’m going to hold you to it!

I came to tell you that I’m going to take as little, or as much, as you are willing and able to give me.

With humble adoration.

Philippe

Simona looked up with tears in her eyes. She stood up, walked over to Philippe, and sat down on his lap. She smiled, held his face, and looked in his eyes. There were no words. There was no need.

She leaned over to hug him and whispered ‘merci’ in his ear.

13

"YOU WALK AWAY... I'LL WALK THE OTHER WAY."

THE MAITRE D’ politely waited, and when Simona stood up again, he approached.
 

“My apologies, sir, but your driver brought your phone. He said that it had been ringing non-stop, and he was worried that it might be an emergency.”

Philippe thanked him, took the phone and exchanged worried looks with Simona.

“Where is your phone?”

Simona had a summer dress on. Her tiny bag was left in the basket at the bottom of the stroller. She picked up the phone while Philippe walked away to check on Francois. He was coming back to the table, assessing the situation when he heard Simona say, “You called the police?”

..........

“As I said, I’m very sorry. It’s totally my fault.”

..........

“I didn’t leave a note because I didn’t think you could possibly be home before us. I’m sorry.”

.........

“We are finishing dinner now.”

.........

“Yes, Andre. It’s Spain. Our reservation was at 8:30 PM and it takes 3 hours for 13 courses.”

..........

“Well, it took us four then. We will be there in 20 minutes.”

Simona handed the phone back to Philippe and smiled as if nothing happened. Philippe glanced at the rest of the messages and calls. He typed a quick text message and looked at Simona with a curious look.

“I’m not going to let this to fuck up my evening. Does that answer your question?”

Philippe signed the bill, still smiling at her. “It’s my fault. Raphael texted me from Madrid and after they landed back in Barcelona. I should have had my phone with me.”

“Don’t be ridiculous. I take full responsibility. It’s entirely my fault. And no, we are not going to start bringing phones to dinners.”

“Haha. Ok, but your bad habit of closing restaurants continues.”

They were the last table on the patio. Simona stood up, pointing at some tables inside.

“Not the last. But even so… Don’t you know? The last, the best?”

“No dear. You are messing with the philosophy here. It’s 'the best comes at the end’. Or ‘all good things come to an end.’”

“Well, this chapter comes to an end. We closed it with a smile. And we are opening a new one.”

“You said raw and honest, right? Let’s be... Let’s do the why…”

“Why…?”

“I get the whole thing about being afraid of messing our friendship. But we moved past that. So, why?”

“What’s the ‘why’ for you?”

“I’m still trying to figure it out. I was afraid. Not sure. Worried about making the wrong choice. Freaking out about messing with Francois. I guess simply scared of it all. You?”

“I was stuck. I couldn’t build anything without fixing my past. It would have been unfair to all, setting us up for failure.”