True Control 4.2 (7 page)

Chapter 17 HIM

Lucy looks scared. Her fingers keep squeezing each other. Her legs keep tapping against the metal drawers, making the paper below her bottom crinkle. She’s dressed again, we’re just waiting for Dr. Patel to return with results.

I chose her as Lucy’s doctor because I knew she’d be discreet and trustworthy. I allowed her to question Lucy privately on her first visit. She understands how our marriage works and she doesn’t question it. Her family ran into some trouble when she was still in med school; Dad helped them out. She understands what owing a favor means. She’s well aware that I punish Lucy sometimes. She’s seen my marks on her. She saw Lucy today, saw how she winced during the exam. She only looked at me, but said nothing.

“Lucy…” In this small room, even trying to keep my voice soft, it booms against the hard surfaces. She looks at me. My sweet, lovely Lucy. “It’s going to be okay.” I smile, trying to relax her. I stand up and take her hand in mine, pulling her against me. “I love you very much. I heard what you had to say earlier too…I know you’re scared, baby.” I kiss her palms. She usually smiles at this.

“You do?” She’s near tears. She has been since we left the apartment.

“Yes. I know…” I breathe in a little, squeezing her hands, rubbing her fingers a little more. “I know you need reassurances.” I wink at her. This usually does the trick. She knows that I’m happy with her when I do this. She does relax, but only a little. Despite everything that’s happened yesterday, this morning…I want her to be happy.

“I’m not going to hurt you. No matter what the results are today.” I hear myself saying it. I hadn’t decided this. Until now. I listen to myself making this big decision and I know it’s right…for her, for me. “I won’t punish you for yesterday.” And I know I won’t. Some part of me has decided to keep the monster locked up, away from Lucy, for good. To keep her safe always. I’ve made this decision before. I can do this now. Go on, you can admit it to yourself, coward…you’re doing it to keep
us
safe. She ran to Jake for a reason. And you can’t lose her.

Lucy throws herself into my arms, crying out and hysterically shedding tears. I have to brace myself to not let her fall off the exam table.

“It’s ok, baby. It’s all going to be ok.” I lift her wet chin and kiss her wet lips. “You’ve given me everything, Lucy…everything I’ve ever asked of you…I can give you this…a little space…a little time.” I kiss her again. “We’ll have a clean start…would you like that, little girl?”

She nods, more tears flowing, but her sobs gone now. “Max, I know you love me…I didn’t mean it when I said…”

“Shhh…I know…you were scared.” I kiss her again, holding her for a second longer against me before looking into her beautiful red-rimmed eyes. “I won’t make promises to you…promises I know I might not be able to keep…but I’ll try.” She nods. “I’ll try to be gentler with you. I’ll try to give you some…” This is harder to say. I don’t even know if I want to say it, but I know I have to…for her. I can’t lose her. My life is lost without her in it. She scared me yesterday, leaving like that. I won’t lose her. “I’ll try to give you some control over your day to day, baby…to allow you more…freedom.”

“You will?” I nod. She looks scared again. I don’t know why. Because she doesn’t believe me? No…

I smile, grabbing her chin harder. “That doesn’t mean I’m going to let you get away with anything, little girl. And you’ll have Jeff as your driver from now on, to take you anywhere, to keep you safe.” I may give her a little more freedom, but I’ll keep tighter tabs on her. She smiles against the pressure of my fingers. I know my little Lucy so well. We’ll be okay. She nods and sniffs.

Dr. Patel walks in again at that moment. She gives me a look, but doesn’t say anything about my hand on Lucy’s chin. “Well…I’m used to seeing tears, but usually not until I give the good news…” She laughs.

Lucy is wiping her face, still pressed against me though. I keep my arm around her.

“And good news it is. Lucy, Max…Congratulations! You’re pregnant!”

I feel Lucy shake and laugh and cry against me. I turn to hold her, bury her face against me. I’m glad I made my decision. Whatever happens…we’re forever linked. Lucy and me.

And I will keep us safe. And together.

Chapter 17 HER

On the ride home, hands linked on my knee like always. I keep looking at him. I’m never sick of staring at his handsome features. Chiseled. That’s the word used in the trashy novels I read in college.

No matter how hurt. No matter how scared. No matter how confused. I’ve always responded to him. To his strong looks. His strong voice. His strong love.

I’ve been living in a crazy state. Up. Down. Side to side. Crazy. I let myself release a stream of curses in my head…a dizzying freedom after everything that’s happened. Shit. Damn. Fuck. Shit. Ok….I’m not that creative! I laugh again and Max takes my hand and kisses it.

I feel like I’ve been told the guillotine isn’t sharp enough and I won’t be executed...long live love!

I’m suddenly sick again. Max shouts to his new driver to stop. We’re pulled in sharply to an open space by the curb and I quickly open the door, leaning out and taking in big gulps of air. I don’t vomit. Barely. I shake with small cries or laughter or both. I shake.

But I feel Max’s hand on my back. His gentle, sweet hand.

No matter what else happens. I will always remember this moment.

His child inside me. His loving touch at my discomfort. His attentive command to stop the car just when I need it stopped. That he loves me. I know this. Right here. Right now. I don’t doubt. I won’t ever doubt again that his love can conquer anything, even my fears and his anger.

I don’t feel the rest. I hear. But I don’t feel.

Chapter 18 HER

I don’t need to open my eyes to know that I’m in a hospital room. The smell. The sounds. Beeps, hisses, muffled voices and footsteps, metal on metal clangs in a distance.

I want to drift back to sleep. I don’t want to open my eyes. I don’t want to see.

A single tear escapes my right eye, but I don’t feel it until it drops onto my shoulder.

I drift. Thankfully, I drift.

.…..

I feel a prick on my arm and moan. “I’m sorry, honey.”

A nurse smiling at me. That’s the first thing I see. Her hand pressing on the inside of my left elbow. My left arm lying on a white sheet. Tubes come out of my left hand. I follow them up to a bag of clear liquid, back down. I turn my head a little. My right arm is wrapped. I swallow several times and she brings me a cup with a straw. Cool water hits my throat and I don’t think I’ve loved the feel of anything more in my life.

I cough a little and she plumps up pillows behind me. My face feels funny. Like I don’t have control of it.

“Your family is going to be very happy to see your baby blues open, honey.” She walks towards the door. “I’ll get the doctor too.” I want to tell her to stop. Wait. Please!

But she’s gone.

I close my eyes, but the solace of sleep is lost to me. I hold my breath waiting. I keep my eyes closed.

I can hear the door open. It’s quiet but the sound from the hall gets louder for a moment.

“It’s good to see you awake. How are you feeling?”

A stranger. A doctor. I open my eyes. He’s youngish, smiling, looking at a chart. Nice, clean cut. I vomit on him.

He steps back quickly and goes into the hall, “Nurse!”

But he returns to my side and pulls the sheets to cover the small vomit on the side of the bed. He wipes my face and the front of my gown. I’m too weak to turn away from him. Too numb. He removes his jacket, leaving it on the floor without a care.

A nurse quickly comes in and he directs him to get a maintenance person in here right away.

Then he smiles at me again. Nice. I want to cry and apologize, but I’m silent, watching the movie around me. “Feel a little better?”

I only nod. “Do you know where you are?” He puts a light on my eyes and directs me to follow it.

“In the hospital?” My voice cracks. He picks up the cup and straw and holds it for me. “Take small sips.” I do. Keeping my eyes on him.

“Yes. You were brought in this morning. Do you know your name?”

“Lucy Traeger.”

“Good. How about what day it is?”

“Saturday.”

“Good, Lucy. You don’t have a concussion. You have lacerations…cuts…to your right side. And your wrist and rib are bruised. But you’re fine.” He pats the bed. “And your baby is fine.”

I’m trying to understand what he’s saying.

“What happened? Why am…” I cough again, splitting pain to head and neck. My right side exploding with hot throbbing pain. He gives me the straw again. I close my eyes and wait for this to subside a little.

“What’s the last thing you remember?”

“Max.” Saying his name is a new kind of pain.

“That’s…that’s your husband?” Why is he looking as white as the sheets on this bed now? I nod, but this only sends shooting pains to my right eye and temple. I lift my fingers to this side and feel gauze and bandages. No wonder I feel like I’m hearing through a thick cotton blanket.

“You were in an accident. A car accident. You’re fine.” He doesn’t look as young or as sweet. He looks tired and dragged through something smelly now.

“Where’s my husband…Max?!” I don’t know why my voice sounds so strange, so high, so panicked…well, it’s always high, but still…why is this doctor looking at me…like I’m deranged? This isn’t a movie, doc…just tell me where he is!

“You were both in the accident and…and your husband didn’t make it…I’m so sorry…”

I blink. Blink. Blink. Blinkblink.

“What…what…” I blink the hot tears down my cheeks. “What….Max! Max!” I yell, despite the pain in my head, my body. I scream his name. I know he’ll come running in the room any second. I know he’ll hit this man for lying to me. I know he’ll make everything ok. He has to…he has to…Max!

I watch as the doctor holds my arms down, he yells something at someone. Something is needled into the bag attached to all the tubes attached to me. I keep yelling. Max will hear me. He’ll come for me…I know he…

Chapter 19 HER

I don’t open my eyes. I don’t ever want to open my eyes again. I feel warm, strong fingers around my left hand. I move one finger a little and I hear his voice.

So like Max…but not his…never his again. Tears bubble and spill.

“Lucy?”

I let one sob out and feel the heavy bed shake with me. I feel his arms around me, pulling me up to him, crushing me against his strong chest…but not his…never his again.

I wail. I cry. I scream. It’s not enough. All into his chest. My lips vibrate against his shirt.

“No! She’s fine…just leave us…go.” I hear his commanding voice through my long tormented cries.

I don’t stop. I lift my arms, my fingers claws, grabbing at his shirt, holding on. Screaming.

My throat betrays me, gives up. I keep crying. I keep screaming. I don’t have sound to my wails, just wet sobs and rasping breaths. I keep screaming. One long, continuous wail. One shuddering, shattering cry.

I feel his arms pushing me back against the pillows again, but he doesn’t let go. I feel his hands pull at mine, taking them off his chest and laying them on my lap, but he doesn’t let go. I feel his warmth, his strength. I cling to it.

…but not his…never his again.

I shake and whimper, soundless, tearless, my body too weak to give strength to my pain.

“Be a good girl…Get some sleep now, Lucy.” I keep my eyes closed. I listen to his soothing sounds. I cling to his voice…and I pretend it’s his.

Chapter 20 HER

My eyes are open before I realize I’m awake. I cough a little and become more aware of everything.

I’m alone. The room is darker. I can see the cup with straw and I reach for this, pulling painfully at an IV in my hand, but I can get it.

My head hurts, my side hurts, my wrist hurts, my throat hurts.

My heart hurts.

I start to cry again. A calmer, deeper cry.

Max. Why did you leave me?! Why?!

I can’t get the sounds out of my head. No matter how loud I sniffle and cry. I hear the sounds of the accident. Bangs, metal scraping, screaming.

I’m startled to hear the door open. I try to sniffle and sit up more.

Jake’s at my side quickly. I try to smile at his deep frown. I try not to compare it…

He brushes my hair back off my forehead and holds the cup for me to sip more. I watch him walk away and get more water from a plastic pitcher and bring it back to me.

I take another big sip before pushing it away. “Is…is he really…?” I’m not brave enough to finish.

He only nods. Not brave enough to answer out loud.

He holds me while I cry more silent tears, my body lifeless save the regular pulls of deep breaths in to carry more tears out. I feel his tears in my hair.

Chapter 21 HER

A nurse interrupts us. Our tears long spent, we’ve been quietly holding each other. Jake doesn’t let me go. I hold onto his arms still.

“I’m sorry…I just need to get a few vitals…”

Jake kisses my head and starts to move, I cling harder to his arms. He whispers, “I’m not going anywhere.” I let him move to stand at the end of my bed. I let the nurse take my temperature and blood pressure. I’m a limp rag doll. I even have rag doll eyes. Big and unblinking. A rag doll mouth. Closed and small.

When she leaves with an apologetic smile to Jake, he moves to take my hand again and I cling to him once more.

“Dad’s outside. He’s called your parent’s already…he has them on a plane tomorrow morning…” I nod.

I swallow, but my voice hurts to speak. “Where’s Alex?”

Jake just shakes his head. “Dad didn’t think it was good for her to be here…” He doesn’t need to say that she’s somewhere in a bed crying too, unable to make sense of all of this. Big balled up tears fill my vision and fall hard down my cheeks, bouncing to our hands.

“Tell me…how…” I don’t want to know….I’ve tried to pretend that this is a nightmare. But the efficient nurses and doctors coming and going don’t let my fantasies take hold. I’ve tried to push away the sounds in my head, but they drown out everything else. I need to know. I have to know what happened to my Max. My breath catches at thinking his name, but I squeeze Jake’s hand back harder.

He almost whispers. But I hear the raw edge of his throat, cutting against each word. “From what the police have told us…you were pulled over and…and another car behind you zipped around without stopping at a light.” He swallows and I rub his fingers to help him to keep talking. I need him to hurry. I don’t know how strong my resolve to hear this is, but it’s fading fast. “A delivery truck had the right away and turned straight into the car…pushing it into yours. You were luckily thrown out and the whole mess was pushed further down the sidewalk away from you. Max…” He stops, blinks and breathes for a second. “He didn’t suffer, at all…that’s what they told us. His side…shit…his side was hit hardest and he was crushed…” He can’t continue. And I can’t continue to listen. Crushed…I don’t ever want to hear that word again.

I roll over and turn away from his description. He puts his hand on my shoulder and doesn’t move, doesn’t rub, doesn’t squeeze. Just keeps his hand on me. A warm spot against the cold that grips my heart and stomach. I shake and cry quietly again. I hear him crying behind me too, but his hand never moves.

I don’t hear the door open. I only feel Jake’s hand pull away finally.

“Lucy, sweetie…” It’s Ron. I roll over and have my arms out for his embrace. I hold him while the big man cries in my arms. His hug hurts my shoulder and rib, but I don’t really feel the pain. I only feel his warm wet tears on the thin gown. I look up and see Jakes tears and reach my hand out for his.

We’ve all lost so much…I’ll never be anything but lost again.