Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (4 page)

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How can you tell an Italian with kidney trouble?

He’s the one with the rusty zipper and yellow tennis shoes.

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Why are garbage cans painted international orange?

So little Italian children will think they’re eating at Howard Johnson’s.

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Did you hear about the Italian who cleaned out his ears and his head caved in?

W ho are the four most dangerous people in the world?

A Jew with money, a Greek with tennis shoes, a Puerto Rican with a knife, and a Polack with brains.

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What do you get when you cross a Jew with a gypsy?

A chain of empty stores.

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A French couple, an Irish couple, and a Polish couple are having dinner together. The Frenchman says to his wife, “Pass me the sugar, sugar.”

Not to be outdone, the Irishman says, “Could you pass me the honey, honey?”

Most impressed by these clever endearments, the Pole leans over to his wife and says, “Pass me the pork, pig.”

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A Pole, an Italian, and a Jew, all first-time fathers, are pacing nervously in the maternity ward waiting room when a nurse rushes out of the delivery room holding a black baby. “Is it yours?” she asks the Italian.

“Certainly not,” he retorts.

“Yours?” she asks the Pole, who vigorously denies paternity.

“How about you?” she asks the Jew.

“Maybe,” he says glumly. “My wife burns everything.”

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How does a JAP spell relief ?

R-O-L-E-X.

How does a Pole spell relief?

F-A-R-T.

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During a routine check of a construction site, the foreman finds an Italian construction worker hanging from the ceiling beams of an unfinished room. “What the hell are you doing up there?” he asks.

“I’m a chandelier,” explains the Italian.

“Get down and get back to work before I bust your head,” growls the foreman, but to no avail, for on several subsequent checks he finds the Italian in exactly the same position. Finally he has to fire him. The next morning he is infuriated to catch all the Polish workers on the site packing up and getting ready to leave. “What the hell do you clowns think you’re doing?” he shouts.

“Hey listen,” say the Poles, “we ain’t working without no lights.”

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What’s transparent and lies in the gutter?

A Pakistani with the shit kicked out of him.

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Why aren’t there any swimming pools in Mexico?

Because all the Mexicans who can swim are in the U.S.

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Why did the Mexicans fight so hard to take the Alamo?

So they could have four clean walls to write on.

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Definition of a Mexican wolf:

Hot tamale looking for a frijole.

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Why do Mexicans eat beans every day?

So they can take a bubble bath at night.

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Have you heard about the new Mexican war movie?

It’s called A Tacolips Now.

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Why do Indians wear jock straps?

Totem pole.

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What do you call an Oriental person on Quaaludes?

A mello-yellow.

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What’s the Chinese word for watermelon?

Coon-chow.

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How many sand-niggers (Arabs) does it take to change a light bulb?

Three: One to hold the bulb and two to turn the stool. But they need a foreign advisor to tell them it was burned out.

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In Greece, how do they separate the men from the boys?

With a crowbar.

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What’s the Greek army’s motto?

“Never Leave Your Buddy’s Behind.”

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How do you distinguish the clans in Scotland?

If there’s a quarter-pounder under his kilt, he’s a MacDonald.

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What’s the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?

One less drunken Irishman.

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What do Arabs do on a Saturday night?

Sit under palm trees and eat their dates.

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What positions do WASPs fuck in?

“POSITIONS?!?”

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An Arab diplomat visiting the U.S. for the first time was being wined and dined by the State Department. The Grand Emir was unused to the salt in American foods (french fries, cheeses, anchovies, etc.), and was constantly sending his manservant Abdul to fetch him a glass of water. Time and time again Abdul would scamper off and return with a glass of water, but then came the time when he returned empty-handed.

“Abdul, you bastard son of an ugly camel, where is my water?” demanded the Grand Emir.

“A thousand pardons, O Illustrious One,” stammered the wretched Abdul. “White man sit on well.”

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Did you know that 85% of all Japanese men have cataracts?

The rest drive Rincolns and Chevlorets.

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The sheriff arrived at the scene of the horrible accident just as his deputy, all alone, was climbing down from the controls of a bulldozer. “Say, Junior, what’s goin’ on?” asked the sheriff.

“A bus full of migrant workers went out of control and over the cliff, and I just finished burying ‘em,” explained the deputy.

“Good work, boy,” said the sheriff. “Pretty gory work—were all of ‘em dead?”

Junior nodded sadly and said, “Some of ‘em said they weren’t, but you know how them Mexicans lie.”

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What’s gross ignorance?

One hundred and forty-four Irishmen.

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When a Polish immigrant moved to a small town in Georgia, he asked one of the locals what they did for amusement.

“Why, we go down to the bowlin’ alley and beat up Negroes,” came the casual reply.

That night, the Pole followed his new friend to the bowling alley. Sure enough, a group of blacks came in, and the Georgia boys started beating them up.

Anxious to please his new friends, the Pole took a club and commenced smashing bowling balls.

“What in hell are you doin’?” asked one of the startled Georgians.

“You get the adults,” replied the agitated Pole, “and I’ll take care of the eggs!”

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An Italian, an American, and a Pole were to be executed by a firing squad. The Italian was called up first. “Ready . . . Aim . . .” The Italian, thinking quickly, shouted, “TORNADO ! ! !” Every man ran for cover and the Italian escaped. The American went up next. “Ready . . . Aim . . .” “HURRICANE ! ! !” he shouted, and the American escaped.

The Pole went next. He was wondering what to say. “Ready . . . Aim . . . FIRE!”

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What is a Japanese girl’s favorite holiday?

Erection day!

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Two Englishmen in darkest Africa got hungry and dropped into a native restaurant in a small village. They received menus and noticed a fair variety of dishes. Broiled Spaniard was $3.50, including salad and dessert. Fried Frenchman, with a side order of vegetables, cost $3.75. Stewed Swiss ran $3.25. But Baked Arab was listed at $10.50.

They called the waiter. “Why?” asked one. “Are the Arabs that delicious?”

“No,” replied the waiter. “They all taste about the same.”

“But the price is so high,” the Englishman protested. “There must be some reason.”

“Oh,” the waiter said. “There is a good reason. Did you ever try to clean an Arab?”

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Why don’t Arabs get hemorrhoids?

Because they are such perfect assholes.

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It’s a busy evening in a bar on the outskirts of Las Vegas. A drunken Indian comes in packing a shotgun, holding a dead cat by the tail in one hand, and a five-gallon bucket filled with cow manure in the other. Without warning, he shoots one round of bullets into the bucket and chews a huge hole in the cat. At the sight of this, customers start to leave, and the bartender asks the Indian to go to a more secluded part of the bar.

The Indian does so reluctantly, but still continues his acts, grossing out the customers. The bartender finally goes over and asks the Indian, “Will you please leave now? I’m losing business because of you. Why are you doing this?” The Indian looks surprised for a second and replies, “Me wanna be like white man. Me wanna go get drunk, shoot the shit, and eat pussy.”

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An Irishman, an Italian, and a Pole in Mexico got drunk and killed a Mexican. All three went to jail and were sentenced to the electric chair. First, they sat the Irishman down and asked him if he had any last words. He said he was a dentist and would care for everyone in the village for twenty-five years if they would let him go. They said they were sorry, but they had to carry out the electrocution. They pulled the switch and nothing happened.

The executioner said that by law, the Irishman was free to go because the electric chair hadn’t worked. Then the Italian sat down. The same question was asked. He said he was a medical school graduate and would care for the villagers for twenty-five years in exchange for his freedom. Again, the answer was no. The switch was pulled and nothing happened. He too was set free.

Then the Pole sat down. When asked if he had any last words, the Pole said that he was a graduate in electrical engineering and, he told the executioner, “If you’ll put that little white wire in that hole, and the little red wire in that hole...”

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At a doctors’ convention in Switzerland, a conversation was taking place in a tavern after the day’s lectures were over. An Israeli doctor said, “Medicine in my country is so advanced that we can take a kidney out of one person and put it in another and have him looking for work in six weeks.”

A German doctor said, “That’s nothing. In Germany, we can take a lung out of one person and put it in someone else and have him looking for work in four weeks.”

A Russian doctor said, “In my country, medicine is so advanced that we can take half a heart from one person, put it in another, and have them both looking for work in two weeks.”

An American doctor, not wanting to be outdone, said, “That’s nothing. We can take an asshole out of Hollywood, put him in the White House, and have half the nation looking for work the next day.”