Truly Tasteless Jokes Three (9 page)

Did you hear about the gay guy who flew to London?

He was heartbroken when he found out Big Ben was a clock!

*

Did you hear about the new gay bar?

It's called Boys-r-us.

“Mommy, Mommy, can I lick the bowl?”

“Shut up and flush the toilet.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, can I buy a new dress?”

“You know it won't fit over your iron lung.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, this doesn't taste like tomato juice.”

“Shut up and drink it before it clots.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, why do I keep going in circles?”

“Shut up or I'll nail your other foot to the floor.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, do we have to visit Grandma again?”

“Shut up and keep digging.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, I don't want hamburger for dinner.”

“Shut up or I'll stick your other arm in the meat grinder.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, do we have to have spaghetti again tonight?”

“Shut up or m pull the veins out of your other leg.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, why can't I play with the other kids?”

“Shut up and deal.”

*

“Mommy, Mommy, why is everyone running away?”

“Shut up and reload.”

Sister Mary Ignatius was quite flattered to be invited by the bishop to play golf one Saturday afternoon. When the bishop missed a putt on the 16th hole, however, she was shocked to hear him say, “Fuckin’ shit, I missed!”

“I'm deeply ashamed of you,” said a white-faced Sister Mary Ignatius.

The bishop shot her a dirty look and went on toward the 17th hole. Not long afterward he exclaimed, “Fuckin’ shit, I missed!”

“I'm warning you, Bishop,” said the nun piously. “God will strike you down if you don't stop using that kind of language.”

The bishop also missed the crucial putt on the 18th hole, and uttered the same curses at full volume. Suddenly there was a deafening clap of thunder, a blinding flash of lightning, and the nun disappeared.

A few seconds later boomed a voice from the heavens, “FUCKIN’ SHIT, I MISSED!”

*

A nun walked into the corner liquor store and asked the proprietor for a fifth of whisky.

“Sister, now how would it look for a respectable fellow like me to sell alcohol to a nun?” was the reply.

The woman leaned over the counter and whispered conspiratorially, “It's really for the Mother Superior's constipation.”

The store owner thought it over and decided to sell it to her since it was for medicinal purposes, but only on condition that she hide it in a paper bag and not tell anyone.

An hour later the store owner closed up and walked outside, only to immediately come across the nun on a park bench, roaring drunk.

“Sister,” he said angrily, “you know I only sold you that whisky because it was to ease Mother Superior's constipation.”

“It ish,” slurred the nun. “When she sees me, she'll shit.”

*

What's another reason God created the orgasm?

Because He couldn't wait for the second coming.

*

Two leprechauns arrived at the convent door and asked to speak with the Mother Superior. Led into her office, the first one asked respectfully, “Excuse me, your holiness, but are there any leprechaun nuns at this convent?”

Receiving a reply in the negative, he asked whether any leprechaun nuns were to be found in the neighboring parish. Again the reply was no.

The tiny man scratched his head and posed a final question. “Beggin’ your pardon, Mother Superior, but would you know of any leprechaun nuns at all, anywhere?” The nun shook her head.

At which the second leprechaun shook the first by the shoulders, and shouted, “You see! You see! I told you you fucked a penguin!”

*

What's the difference between Jesus Christ and an oil painting?

You only need one nail to hang up a painting.

*

A priest and a rabbi decided to pool their money and buy a car, since neither could afford one on his own. On the day of the purchase, they made an agreement at the Toyota dealership that the vehicle would not be more of one religion than of the other.

The priest was a very devout fellow, however, and the very first night, unaware of the rabbi spying on him through the keyhole, he snuck into the garage and sprinkled a little holy water on the hood.

The next night, very cautiously, the rabbi tiptoed into the garage. Hacksaw in hand, he proceeded to take four inches off the tailpipe—

*

What do you get when you mix holy water with castor oil?

A religious movement.

*

A man is driving along a country road when his car breaks down. He has it towed to the nearest repair shop, which happens to be next door to a convent. Told that the car will take an hour to fix, he pays a visit to the convent and ends up spending the hour in bed with young Sister Angela. As they finish their lovemaking they hear someone coming, so the man sprints off naked over the convent wall while Sister Angela ditches his clothes in the laundry room.

That night all the nuns are called together to a special meeting, and a chorus of gasps follow the Mother Superior's announcement that a man's clothing had been found inside the convent.

“We found a man's shirt!” thunders the head nun. All the nuns gasp, but a single giggle escapes from Sister Angela.

“And we found a man's trousers!” continues Mother Superior. All the nuns gasp; Sister Angela giggles.

“And we found a man's underwear!” All the nuns gasp; Sister Angela giggles.

“And we found a condom!” Again a chorus of gasps, and a single giggle from the back of the room.

“And,” goes on the Mother Superior, “we found a hole in the condom!”

And all the nuns giggle as Sister Angela gasps.

*

What happened to the Pope when he went to Mount Olive?

Popeye almost killed him.

*

A priest and a rabbi were sitting next to each other on an airplane when the captain announced a little engine trouble ... and a little rough weather ... and finally suggested that anyone on board who is religiously inclined say their last prayers. The priest fell to his knees in the aisle, and as he crossed himself he noticed the rabbi doing the same thing. So when the plane leveled off and things began to look more hopeful, he turned to the rabbi and said smugly, “So, when you truly feared death, you turned to Almighty Jesus for solace!”

“Not at all.” The rabbi smiled, repeating his gestures. “The usual check: spectacles, testicles, money, and cigars!”

*

An unwed pregnant girl went to the doctor for an abortion, but found to her dismay that things were too far along. “Don't worry,” said the kind-hearted doctor, “when your time comes, go into the hospital and have the baby. There's sure to be someone in for a gallbladder operation, and we'll give her the baby and tell her it wasn't her gallbladder after all.”

She followed his plan, but when the baby was born the only gallbladder case in the hospital was a middle-aged priest. What the hell, thought the doctor, I'll give it a try. So he presented the baby to the priest, who was overjoyed. “This is an act of God,” he exclaimed happily and took the infant home. They lived a contented life together for twenty years, until the priest found himself on his deathbed.

He called the boy in and said, “My son, I must tell you something. I'm not really your father— I'm your mother. The bishop is your father.”

*

What do they make from frozen holy water?

Popesicles.

*

Jesus, Moses, and an old man are playing golf. Moses tees up and hits his ball into the water trap. Nonplussed, he goes over to the lake, parts the water with his club, and hits his ball onto the green.

Jesus tees up next, and also manages to land in the water trap. So he walks down to the lake, across the water, and hits his ball out onto the green.

Last to tee up is the old man, whose ball heads straight for the water. As the ball hits the surface a fish jumps up and swallows it but is immediately grabbed by an eagle, which deposits the fish on the green. The ball shoots out of the fish's mouth and rolls into the cup.

Jesus turns around and says, “Nice shot, Dad, but would you quit fucking around and play golf?”

*

Three nuns are waiting for an audience with Mother Theresa. The first nun goes in and says, “Forgive me, Mother, but I've seen a man's privates.”

“Go wash your eyes in holy water,” says Mother Theresa.

The second nun confesses to Mother Theresa that she has touched a man's privates. “My child,” says the elderly nun, “go wash your hands in holy water.”

The two nuns are busy with their penance when the third nun comes over and says, “Watch out, girls—I gotta gargle.”

*

There was bad flooding in New Orleans one spring, and the water was up to the porch of the parish priest's house when a jeep drove by to pick him up. “Don't save me, save someone more needy,” said the devout old man.

Eight hours later the water was up past the second story and the priest was on the roof when the rescue boat came by. “Go save someone else,” he said.

After another eight hours the water was up to the man's chin, and a helicopter came by with a rope. “No, no,” he said, “save someone else first,” and he resumed his prayers. About ten minutes later he drowned, of course, and went to heaven. It wasn't until two weeks later that he got to meet God.

“God,” he said, “what happened? I've been a believer all my life and I just knew that You would save me.”

God answered, “Well, you damn fool, first I sent a jeep, then a boat, and then a helicopter!”

*

A black greets a fellow black on the street: “Hey, mothafuckah!”

“Good morning, Reverend.”

*

Every Sunday down in Macon, Georgia, this Southern Baptist, a good ol’ boy, picks up the minister to take him to church. One morning the fellow notices a bunch of black guys hanging out by the side of the road. He's dying to run them over, but he doesn't quite dare, since the minister's in the car right next to him. So he takes out his handkerchief and, pretending to sneeze, swerves wildly over the sidewalk.

“Did I hit any? Did I hit any?” he asks, trying to instill a note of genuine panic into his voice.

“Naw,” drawled the minister, “but I got two of the muthas with the door.”

*

Why don't black women make good nuns?

They can't say “superior” after “mother.”

*

An insurance salesman dies and goes to heaven, only to find a long, long line waiting at the pearly gates. He waits and waits for hours, talking to the others in line: cops, clerks, and people from all professions. As they are talking, they see a man dressed in white, carrying a medical bag, approach the head of the line. He says a couple of words to St. Peter and is immediately ushered into heaven. The salesman is irate. He wasn't pushed around in life, and he doesn't want to get pushed around now. He makes his way to the head of the line and lets St. Peter have it. “I've been waiting here for hours, and some damn doctor pushes his way into heaven. What gives?” St. Peter replies, “Don't get so upset. That was just God playing doctor.”

*

A nervous young priest, about to deliver his first sermon, asks an older priest how he might calm down a bit. He advises the young priest to fill the water pitcher with martinis. Well, the new priest preaches up a storm, and afterwards he asks the older priest what he thought.