Trust Me (38 page)

We were cordial and polite and even spoke a little about mundane shit and I knew that though terribly painful, we both would survive. It was this morning though that shocked us all. By ten am Candy and I both were sleeping off the early morning ride to SEATAC where we dropped off Noah. I didn’t walk him in knowing that Candy wanted a personal goodbye, so I bawled my eyes out in passenger drop off before promising him I would study hard and call daily.

After we got home at seven am, we both hit the bed to snore off the early morning emotion. We had decided that as adults we needed an apartment and what better way to spend my inheritance. I refused to use the money for school anything worthless. I would work for the things I desired and use my inheritance for the things I needed to graduate. That meant we had a three bedroom apartment for the next year, utilities paid and our own space to go as we pleased. We used the third room as a study room but it seemed more like Candy’s own closet she had so much clothes stashed in there it was ridiculous.

By seven-thirty our door was banging and our phones were full of messages. We ran to the door both scared of the worst when we open it to see Cassa standing there crying in hysterics. She looked as broken as I had when Chad and I broke up but I knew that couldn’t be the case. Through sobs she tried explaining that Shame was gone, handing us a tear soaked letter.

Cassa,

I can’t take you with me baby. I will love you every day of forever and then some, but I can’t bring you along because I can fail at any second and you would get the blowback. I won’t let you quit school and change your dreams in for mine when the world over could hate us. I don’t expect forgiveness and I assume you hate me by now, but I will always love you.

Shame.

What.The.Fuck?

That was five months ago and Jesus what a difference five months made. Cassa was married to a creepy guy named Corey. He had a tendency to hit to make his point and Cassa was always making excuses for him. Candy and I refused to clean out the third bedroom that she had taken over immediately after Shame left with the rest of TAT. He hadn’t contacted her or tried to explain. He left her like she was nothing. Cal, Noah and Chad were all at her wedding, Candy and I and Roni wore pink satin dressed and carried white roses and wondered why the hell she was doing it.

She explained a few weeks later that she was pregnant, almost four months. It was Shames baby and she was scared to tell Corey and was definitely keeping it from Shame as were Chad, Noah and Cal.

It seemed the TAT boys had our backs even when our men did wrong. Chad, Cal and Shame stayed in close contact with Candy, Shame making it hard because he always wanted inform from me and Candy on how she was. We of course said nothing. Cal and Noah and Shame always calling or emailing me to check in and it was again, Shame asking about Cassa. This went on for the last five months until last month Cassa miscarried the baby. Corey found out how far along she was and tried to kill her. He found a note she had written to Shamus when they were in Vegas eloping. It explained the baby was his and why she was doing right by the baby by marrying a man who wanted it, even though she only wanted Shamus.

Corey was now behind bars with our dad the sick fuck. The guys had banded together to make sure enough money was thrown at the situation that Cassa was able to keep it quiet. She had just moved back in with Candy and
I and had been home from the hospital just shy of a month. Corey had ripped her womb from her, cut her open and took any ability she had for children away and damn near took her life with it. He was crazy insane and his kind of crazy had robbed Cass of so much she would never be Sass again.

I would watch her walk, always scared and jumpy. She
swapped her major for Public Relations and started in on photography and it was her place to hide. Shamus never knew any of it. He knew she was married and that had cemented him staying away.

I try to think if situations were reversed if I would have let Chad marry another and I find the thought repulsive. The few times we have seen one another we have smiled and watched each other with a sexual intent that flamed me even in the coldest mood. It always left me wondering if we were really over.

“Carrie?” Dr Haworth’s voice pulled me from memory lane. Class had ended a few minutes before and I barely focused long enough to pass out the graded papers and the study notes for the next assignment.

“Sorry Dr Haworth. I was working on the dissertation all night and my mind is still stuck in between the story and reality.”

“Have you thought more on maybe self publishing it instead of going the traditional route?” We had discussed the options and his opinion was that the story was personal and a truth. I had turned my life story into a romance and he thought that self publishing my story would be therapeutic and still get me recognition.

“Yea but I won’t decide till it’s done.” I was waiting to see how it ended and that wouldn’t happen until the show three days from now. I had made my decision to talk to Chad if he was willing. I missed him. More now that Cassa was around recovering from her trip to hell and it was all because she was alone. I had accused Chad of loneliness… How could I have not seen past my own nose to spite my face? I had what Cassa wanted from Shame. Chad didn’t want us to end, he was fighting still and I was deferring every chance I could.

I couldn’t walk away any more. I simply missed him too fucking much to never touch him again.

“You’re clearly in book mode so please bugger off and finish the thing. The sooner it’s done the sooner in print.” He says bugger but his accent id from Southern Texas so I don’t get it, especially seeing as he is an English Professor.

I smile but roll my eyes, not dumb enough to stick around when he is giving me the green light to slip off into myself and finish the story… three more days and I would have my ending. Longest three days of my life and that is saying something.

Would you believe me if I said I was sorry
The question wasn't mean to hurt,
It was just my fear of losing you.
And now you're filling all the space that surrounds you
I'll soon be tucked away underneath your bed
Where you gave yourself to me.
Where I gave myself to you.

Every Avenue

Chapter Twenty-Four

Cassa was refusing to go to the show. She spent all of her free time with Jerry James, Shamus’s dad. He was a successful crabber but an even more successful alcoholic. Some drunks were mean and nasty, but Jerry, was sweet as pie and had taken an extreme interest in Cassa once she married Corey. Jerry always knew he was off.

Cassa was home for now though and I was in the middle of pep talk(more like an intervention) from my besties. “You need to walk in with your head held high and smile that perfect smile and tell him point blank that you miss his fine sweet ass.” This was Candy who was making her point clear all while fucking with my hair scaring the piss out of me.

“I say he cracks immediately.” This was Cassa who was sorting my closet for the eighth time in the last hour. Ten minutes before she had settle on three choices for me to wear but had since then scratched the choices and is now starting from fresh.

“I am so nervous I think I’ll be lucky if I don’t puke in the meet and greet room once again.”

Candy and Cassa both laugh even though the memory brings Trisha to the forefront of my mind. “Just be you Carrie. That’s who he has loved all along.” This was said by Cassa who continues to shock me with her positive outlook and hope for a better future.

“Well considering I need to leave in”- I look dramatically at my cell phone to check the time, “- forty-three minutes I suggest you Chica’s move it along or I am taking over.”

Cassa laughs rolling her eyes but Candy looks personally affronted. “You are not dressing yourself. Chad has seen enough of you and jeans and t shirts. Mix it up a little for shock value.

I didn’t care what I was wearing, but for one stipulation. “Not that shirt Cass, I don’t want him seeing my tat until after we talk.”

She nods knowing what the tattoo represents and how long I have had it waiting to show it to Chad when the time was right.

With seven minutes to spare I was dressed¸ curled, make-upped and perfumed, ready to go and bear my soul. I had let go of all my demons, trusted myself to do it and now I was finishing my story. Good or bad this was it.

I looked in the mirror and took in my outfit. Candy left my hair down but used curlers to give me ‘volume and definition’ she said. That meant my hair was down, somewhat volumized and big full curls making it look thicker and better than I ever had.

My make-up was flawless as she promised. A dark smoky eye with specks of glitter, my long black lashes curled and defined with the help of her expert skills. A light blush and my usual Peaches and Cream gloss. There was no way I was going into this with-out my trusty gloss.

I wore jeans, skinny jeans that were so skinny I was lucky I could breathe. Wear lines below the pockets and a cluster of white jewels lined the back pockets with white stitching along the seams. My top was white with long sleeves, the material somewhat see through so beneath I wore a lace camisole in black that was visible and my witch toe pointed stilettos I had saved for tonight.

On my wrist was my bracelet with the guitar charm, in my ear my graduation diamonds from Seth and Lilly.

I was ready.

“Wish me luck?” I ask Cassa who is getting ready to go see Jerry before Shame swings by his house tomorrow. Cassa gets sad when Shame is in town because she limits her time with Jerry who has been there the most for her since Shame left.

“You don’t need it baby, your flawless.” She kissed me on the cheek and left and now like always I was waiting on Candy.

By the time we made it to Quest Field I was ready to puke, meet and greet room or not. But it was walking inside the VIP entrance that stopped me in my tracks.

*

“Why are you here?” Chad asked, me seething anger evident in every breath he took the minute we walked inside the enormous room they were meeting their fans in. With his temper so quick triggered I wasn’t sure if telling him about missing him would matter. I got the anger, I did but he was still Chad, my Chad. Wasn’t I still his Carrie?

“I’m here to see you guys play?” I covered quickly but spoke so soft. He leaned in, his intent to hear my words an exaggeration as he cupped his palm around his ear and eyes wide in an attempt to hear me better. This was not going well. If he was this upset now… well I wasn’t about to drop the next bomb and send him over the edge.

“You’re here for me?” He laughed darkly and eyed me from head to foot with the enthusiasm of eyeing a white wall. “Well here I am, you can go now.” He didn’t wait to see the hurt register on my face when he spun on his heel, grabbed his guitar and stormed out the door that lead to the tour bus where the opening bands were waiting for them to party. I may be out of my element here, and a far cry from Gig Harbor but this was Chad and I believed in my heart of hearts that he would never leave me standing broken hearted by him.

I followed him back stage and out the door towards the bus and gasped in sight of the reality check Chad Blake just bitch slapped me with. Two women, tall like Chad, thin and stacked like playboy models clung to his sides. I immediately named them Right and Left. They didn’t deserve anything more than that. These women, dressed in just barely enough cloth to be considered covered, and I say that loosely, were so wasted they could barely stand on their own. There wasn’t a groupie in this nation that didn’t know who the fuck Carrie Becket looked like. Hell I was once the lead singers girl and I am Noah Beckett’s sister. Noah Beckett who currently had his tongue down Candy’s throat. I didn’t have time to figure them out, or the patience but I admired their rate of resilience and rebound.

The thought brought tears to my eyes immediately wishing I was kissing Chad. I immediately watched him with Right and Left, that pain ironically was less than watching Candy and Noah kiss-fuck each other without a word.

Scratch that, they were being held up by the love of my life, a hand on each of their asses and the giggles he was inciting had me realizing quickly that these women were not wasted, but simply stupid and cheap and I decided Noah and Candy would be my better bet. Chad was done, it was clear.

I was neither stupid or cheap, but that didn’t mean it would work in my favor. Chad was pissed at me. Not only was he was hurt, I was obviously the one that made him so angry as well as the cause of his pain. I had nothing in my corner. I gave myself a quick ‘buck-up-little-trooper’ chat and straitened my spine and followed back to the bands ‘VIP’ room for lack of a better term.

Cal immediately stepped in front of me, halting my approach. “Jesus Carrie what are you doing here?” He looked over his shoulder, I assume, to check and see if I had already witnessed the sight of Right and Left all over my man. He confirmed my assumption when he winced looking back at me guiltily. “I’m sorry Care…” His words trailed off when he didn’t know what to say and looked beyond my shoulder at the wall behind me.

“It’s okay Cal. It isn’t your dick on the line.” I snapped furiously.

“It aint his either though. You dumped him remember?” Cal asked pointedly…making his stupid….point! I wasn’t in the mood to chat it out with Cal and tried to step past him. He wasn’t having it. “Sorry Care but it’s like that saying. ‘Bro’s before Ho-“ Cal’s comment was interrupted by Noah’s arm slamming into Cal’s chest immediately shutting him up. Shamus had stepped in now too and both were looking at Cal as if he was the dumbest man on the planet.

I stepped back and gasped waiting for the fight to start but Cal and Noah just stared at one another in a silent but heated eye fight. After what felt like hours, but in reality was only perhaps a minute Cal’s face shifted from annoyed to fury before directing that anger at me.