Trusting Jake (Blueprint To Love Book 1) (26 page)

Jen flinched, the lump of ice beginning to steal over her chest. His voice was so cold. So distant. This conversation– was worse than anything she could have imagined. Dragging in a shuddering breath, she fought the tears threatening to swamp her.

"Baldwin said Jenny had two children. . . and a lousy husband– who cheated on her and then dumped her for someone else."

The words buzzed around her as memories flashed through her brain. An anguished sound tore free from her throat as something inside her snapped. Pulling her hands free, she blocked her ears, unable to bear his angry words. Unable to look at him . . . to see the pity she would find there, she doubled over, burying her face in her lap.

"Stop. Please! I'm sorry I lied to y-you. But . . . I-I moved here to forget about it. I moved here to s-start over . . . where no one would know me. Where no one would ever know how pathetic I was."     

"God, Jen! Is that what you think?" Bolting up from his chair, Jake knelt before her. Lifting her face to his, she discovered his expression was blank with shock. "It wasn't your fault," he whispered.

He pulled her into his arms, tucking her against his chest. His heart beating violently under her cheek, Jen could feel tension vibrating through him. He was straining to hold back his anger. She just wasn't certain anymore who it was directed at.

"Jen. . . that bastard tried to destroy you. How could you possibly think I would blame you?" His arms tightened reflexively around her. "God, I wanted to kill him."

Cautiously lifting her head, she searched his eyes. The pain she found there mirrored her own.

"When I think of what you went through . . . all alone."

She pulled back in stunned disbelief. He was hurting. For
her
? Covering her shock, she released a deep breath. "I've mostly gotten over it."      

"Are you sure about that?"

"I-" She didn't like the husky, uncertain sound in her voice. "In the beginning, I thought lying about being married would make things easier. But then we met and– I'd already lied to you. So, when I ended up t-taking the job with Specialty, I had to . . . keep it going." Dragging in a shaky breath, she tried to slow her rioting heartbeat. "As time went on, I realized you were n-nothing like-" Her thoughts were so jumbled, she knew she wasn't making any sense. "So many times, I wanted to tell you-"

"But I wouldn't let you," he admitted. "I was afraid you were going to tell me your marriage was terrible– which I'd already suspected." Jake's eyes were troubled. "But I was already . . . crazy about you. And I was eaten up with guilt over it. Guilt and jealousy. Not a great combination," he admitted. "As hard as I tried to keep my feelings out of it, I knew if you told me– I wouldn't be able to stay away from you. And I didn't want to be responsible for breaking up your marriage."

Her eyes widened over his admission. "Hiding behind a fake marriage was a stupid idea."

"Nothing you've done is stupid, Jen. After hearing what you went through– it was survival."

The stranglehold of ice around her chest began to ease. Her lies had been such a burden. She'd built walls around herself– around her little family, thinking she would protect them. Instead, they'd suffered more. "I thought it would be safer . . . that it would-"

"Keep men away?" Jake's eyes reflected understanding. "You thought a ring on your finger would stop them from bothering you again? That's why you dress so conservatively. It's why you never let your hair down– or your guard."

Sagging back in her chair, she closed her eyes for a moment. "There's so much about me you don't know."

His fingers sought hers, gripping them tightly. "I want to know, Jen," he insisted, his lips brushing against her temple. "All of it. I want to understand what you went through."

"My life with him was such a disaster. It's hard admitting that everything I did– every decision I made– was wrong." 

"Honey, you were a kid. What the hell?" He shook his head. "No matter how bad your marriage was, you've raised two beautiful, amazing kids. That's because of you," he pointed out. "No matter what else happened, you're a wonderful mother."

Warmed by his words, she was encouraged to confess everything. All the ugliness. All the loneliness. "Our marriage was basically over by the time I had Alex," she confessed. "Rick was gone– all the time. He'd been cheating on me . . . and I realized I didn't even care anymore." Glancing up, she expected censure, but found only encouragement in Jake's eyes. "Thankfully, he left me. When he died– I felt . . . relieved."

"I hope you don't feel guilty about that."

She found her first smile, beginning to suspect there was nothing she could say that would shock Jake. "After Rick died, I thought life would improve. I was up for the promotion, but you . . know what happened there."

Releasing a shaky breath, Jen was surprised to realize she felt better. She felt lighter. Unburdened. She wanted to finish it– so they would never, ever have to talk about it again. "I packed our stuff and took off. I . . . went back to my maiden name."

"How could you ever think less of yourself, Jen? I think you're the strongest woman I've ever met." 

Her face heating with the compliment, she smiled. "It was hard enough, relocating to a new city. Trying to land a job when you're a single mom doesn't help. People have doubts . . . they wonder whether you'll show up every day." Her expression defiant, she met his gaze. "I'm not ashamed of what I did," she confessed. "I'm sorry I lied to you. . . because I-" She hesitated over her words. "I c-care about you and I betrayed your trust. But I'm glad it's finally over. I knew as the kids got older I would have to do something. I'm so tired of feeling isolated. . . of feeling guilty. I'm tired of all the lies."  

"What about us?" Jake's expression remained guarded. "You're really planning to leave me?"

She glanced away. He deserved an answer. But his tone had been cautious. He'd given nothing away of his feelings for her. He respected her. But that didn't mean he loved her. He only
needed
her.

"Jake– I can't. . . work for you– not after what's happened between us." She had to be completely honest. It might be the last opportunity she would ever have with him. Closing her eyes on the ever-present threat of tears, she nervously drummed her fingers on the table. "I won't be able to hide how I feel about you-"

"How
do
you feel about me?" His husky voice urged her to confide in him.

Tears pricking in her eyes, she felt her composure slide. "I can't have an affair with you . . . despite what you've heard about me." Her laugh sounded brittle, desperate to preserve what little dignity she had left. "In spite of my actions in Baltimore– I don't sleep around."       

"Look at me." Her head jerking up at the command, she hastily blinked away tears. "I love you, Jen. I've been in love with you– practically from the beginning."

"But you-"

Staring down at her, Jake shook his head. "I don't want an affair with you, Jen. I want
everything
with you. I want your heart. I want that amazing brain. I want that sharp tongue– cutting me down to size when I deserve it." He paused when she chuckled. "I want your kids– to be
my
kids. When I said I needed you– I meant here." He pointed to his heart. "I
need
you and Alex and Megan like I need air to breathe."

Joy surging through her, she thought her heart might explode from it. It didn't seem possible that someone could love her like that.

"
That's
why I've been so impossible to live with. Every time I looked at you– I wondered how I could possibly live without you. How I could work with you every day and not touch you. How I would ever manage to hide it from you." Pacing the room, he dragged a hand through his hair. "How do you think I felt?"

"I-I don't understand-"

"I fell in love with a
married
woman." She absorbed the intensity of his stare. "Jen– you can't know what I've put myself through. To want you so much . . . and know I could never have you. Dammit– I had no right to want you. But you were always alone. Through every problem . . . I saw this smart, funny, beautiful woman. I hated watching you struggle . . . when I wanted more than anything to be the one helping you." 

"Then in Baltimore– the way Steve looked at you. . . the way
every
guy looks at you. I-I went a little nuts." His voice hoarse, he glanced away. "The thought of him taking advantage of you– when it was
my
fault you were forced to deal with him." His expression disgusted, he shook his head. "I saw him in the elevator with you and I went a little crazy."

"I thought if I cornered him, I could get him to back down on some of his demands."

A fleeting smile crossed his face before Jake closed his eyes. "I wanted to murder him and you were calmly negotiating a deal with the bastard." His eyes were bleak when he met her gaze. "When we finally made love that night– I was happier than I'd ever been. And I was absolutely terrified."

"Why?" Mesmerized by his confession, she couldn't look away, unable to breathe as she reached for him.

"I knew I had to convince you to leave Rick, because there was no way in hell I could ever walk away from you." His smile was half-hearted when he enveloped her hand in his. "I couldn't even feel guilty over what I'd done. A lifetime of believing I had too much integrity. . . that I could never do something like that– and I gladly threw it away." 

He raised his hand to caress her cheek and she leaned into him, kissing his palm as her heart swelled with love for him. Jake's confession left her speechless.

"I apologized to Mona," he added. "Loving you made me realize what she'd gone through– what
I'd
put her through. I finally could admit I was wrong to judge her." He shook his head derisively. "She forgives me. Can you believe it?" 

"I'm so glad– for both of you. I know how much this means to her."   

"I'm sorry for what I've put you through, Jen," he confessed. "That last morning in Baltimore. . . I should have told you I loved you. I wanted to, but I figured I'd have a battle convincing you to leave Rick. And– I didn't want to scare you off. Once I finished with Baldwin, I planned on telling you-"

"But I was already gone." Her chest tightened with regret.

"Specialty has withdrawn from the project, by the way." Pausing at her startled gasp, he nodded. "I trusted your judgment, Jen . . . even when you wouldn't tell me your reasons."

"I couldn't," she choked out.

"I know that now," he acknowledged. "I said some terrible things to you that night." he admitted, misery shimmering in his eyes. "I was out of my mind with jealousy when I saw Steve follow you upstairs. He'd treated you so badly– and you tolerated it– because of me."

"I wanted to punch him," she admitted, her eyes narrowing at the memory. "But he was your friend."

Despite the pain etched in his face, a brief smile flickered across his features. "Your eyes told me you were itching to beat the hell out of him. If I hadn't been so adamant about the project, you wouldn't have been subjected to him."

"Then at breakfast," he continued, "Baldwin starts talking about you . . . about Jenny Cahill."

Jen startled. "How did you-"

"That day at the hospital– with Alex. You told the nurse your name was Cahill. I didn't think anything of it at the time." He shook his head as he remembered. "That morning in Baltimore, I looked up and saw you in the restaurant . . . and he's telling this terrible story. I didn't want Baldwin to see you-"

She shivered violently. "God, Jake. . . I thought-"

Unwilling to let her finish the sentence, he closed the distance between them, kissing her gently. "I know what you thought. When I went upstairs . . . you were already gone." 

Tears gathered in her eyes. "I should have waited. I should have trusted you." He kissed her again with an intensity that left her weak, his eyes darkening with a need that made her heart start thudding in response.

"I backed out of the deal. And then I knocked him senseless."

She startled. "You did what?"

He smiled at her yelp of surprise. "I've discovered I have a violent streak when it comes to anyone who's hurt you. I look at you, Jen and I love you so much it hurts. When Steve started talking about you–" He flexed his hand in memory. "He deserved more than I gave him, believe me." 

Cupping his face in her hands, she kissed him fervently. "I love you, Jake. I love you so much . . . for such a long time." She punctuated each sentence with a kiss.

His breathing was ragged when she reluctantly released his mouth. "Other than the urge to make love to you every time I see you, the urge to take care of you is even stronger. You've had to do everything by yourself for so long, Jen. Please . . . let me share your life. I want to be there for you." He gently brushed the last of her tears away. "You have my love, but I respect you, too. I swear I'll never hurt you . . . not knowingly."

He kissed her again, a little more desperately. "Please say you'll marry me? Or . . . if you can't say yes . . . at least tell me you'll think about it?"