Try Not to Breathe (36 page)

I
’m asleep more than I’m awake these days. Like a cat, dozing. One eye lazily opening to consider the world, then slipping back under, unimpressed. But I don’t particularly want to sleep, I just find myself waking up before I even realize I’m falling.

I’m getting rapid-fire dreams, flooding in one after the other. I swear I was dreamless for a good long while and now there’s nothing I can do to stop them. It’s like
A Clockwork Orange,
where they pin his eyelids back and he has to watch film after film after film.

There are recurring dreams too. One in particular I’m having more often than not right now. I had it again yesterday, after Alex left. It’s the one where I’m finally losing my virginity. It was so painful this time that it still hurt between my legs when I woke up.

When I first started having this dream, there was a nice bit at the start and it built up from there. I wanted it to happen, I was relieved it was finally happening. But there was nothing nice in the run-up this time, we just hurtled straight in. It’s more of a recurring nightmare now.

Each time I have it, he hurts me more. I don’t see his face, and when he finishes, he turns his back. His shoulders shake as he laughs dismissively and tells me to clean myself up, even though he’s left no trace. I hear him peeling the rubber away and dropping it into a carrier bag, and then I see him reach for a pack of baby wipes and I can make out that he’s cleaning himself.

And then suddenly I want to go so much that my chest starts to pound. I sit up and straighten my clothes and try to leave but he won’t let me go. It’s like that unique dream thing where you can’t move, you’re heavy like lead and you’ve forgotten how to walk or run, except he’s the one controlling my movements—he won’t let me out and he won’t say why. And even though nothing more happens, I know it’s really bad. I know the dream has a bad ending, and I don’t think I’ve seen the worst of it yet.

I’m scared to go to sleep, I’m scared to see his face. I think I know who it is, but I don’t want it to be him. I don’t want him to have done that to me, not like that, even when it’s just in my head.

I hope it’s just in my head.

F
inally Fiona knew about Amy. The cat was out of the bag, he’d said it all, everything he should have drip fed through their years together had tumbled out like a huge boulder and knocked everything down. She was no less fed up with him—his wife just had the specifics of the lies he’d told, rather than his denials. It didn’t feel like progress, it felt like a spotlight had been shone on what a massive balls-up he’d made.

Fiona hadn’t answered his calls, hadn’t replied to any of his text messages. For all he knew, she could have had their baby and be making arrangements to move back to Lancashire without him. Or somewhere else, somewhere he’d never be able to find them. Even in 2010, it was possible to disappear.

Jacob had spent the whole day at work with his phone in his hand, willing something to change. But when Fiona’s number flashed up, it still took him by surprise.

“Hello?” Jacob answered, making no effort to hide his panic. “Are you okay? What’s happening?”

“J,” she panted, “come out into the car park.”

“I needed to speak to you,” Fiona started to say, and was immediately folded over by a contraction.

“How close are they?” Jacob asked, rubbing Fiona’s back gingerly as she leaned forward against her car.

“I don’t know,” Fiona said, unfolding and breathing deeply. “I was trying to drive, I couldn’t time them.”

Jacob set the stopwatch on his phone.

“I needed to talk to you about Amy, J. I didn’t know what to think—I mean, I
don’t
know what to think.” She breathed deeply. “Look, I Googled Amy,” Fiona said as she caught her breath.

“So I know some of what you said was true. But then I got here and my waters broke…” She breathed for a moment and wiped her eyes. “And then, hmmn…” Fiona hunkered back down, both hands on her belly.

It had felt so alien to hear Amy’s name coming from Fiona’s mouth, but there were more important matters in hand. Jacob was so relieved to be involved that thoughts of Amy flew away in an instant.

“That was two minutes,” he said urgently. “We need to go to the hospital. Right now.”

“Oh God, we’re going to have a baby,” panted Fiona.

“We’re going to have a baby,” echoed Jacob, allowing himself a brief smile.

A
lex jumped in a taxi at North Greenwich station. She roughly knew where Malmesbury Mews sat along the thick, gray snake of Blackwall Lane but it still took her by surprise when the driver swung suddenly into the gateway.

She buzzed the door number and the gates groaned open onto the mews courtyard.

“Alex?”

As Alex approached, Caroline Mortimer opened her red door as far as the door chain would allow.

“Hi, Caroline.”

“Hold on one sec.” Caroline deftly closed the door, jingled the chain and threw the door wide open. As she did, Alex could see she was slim with a pixie hairstyle and tight-fitting jeans. With a wide smile, she reached out to shake Alex’s hand.

“Hi, come right in. Would you like a coffee or tea?”

Caroline wasn’t what Alex was expecting. Far from a vulnerable, unreliable young girl, she was confident and clear-spoken.

“I’ve been thinking about this since you called,” Caroline had said, apropos of nothing as she boiled the kettle, “and I would be happy to be named. I mean ‘happy’ isn’t the right word, but I’m not ashamed. Name me in your article if it helps.”

The two women sat in the small living room, scrunched onto a two-seater sofa with brightly colored cushions, the iPhone recording on Alex’s knee.

“I thought after I gave my statement that I’d help them do a drawing of his face.” Caroline laughed bitterly. “You know, like they do in films. But they gave me my bus fare and said they’d call if they found him.”

“Did they ever call?”

“No,” Caroline said, shaking her head. “I never heard anything else. Until you got in touch anyway.”

“I’m surprised no one connected you and Amy before now. It seems to me that there are some obvious parallels. Even if they were coincidental, they should have been looked at.”

“Yeah, but she was a nice grammar school girl, and I was a kids’ home reject who got drunk and went to the common with boys. No parallels there.”

“You seem so together though, I’d never have guessed you had a troubled past.”

“Well, thank you, that’s been hard-fought, believe me. If you’d seen me back then you wouldn’t have thought so. I lost some years. Drugs, the wrong men, the usual stuff. Having Toby changed everything. He was my chance to do things properly.”

Caroline reached to the bookshelf behind her and showed Alex a picture of a smiling little boy in a school uniform.

“How old is he?”

“Six. He’s amazing, I’m really lucky.”

“Do you work?”

“Yes,” Caroline said crisply. “I work with sex workers. Women and men.”

“Oh wow, do you help them get out of prostitution?”

“No, not exactly. I’m not a miracle worker. But I mentor them, help them access medical help, fill in housing forms, work with social services when their kids come under care orders.” She flashed her eyes briefly at Toby’s happy little face. “It’s bloody hard but every shift is worth it.”

“Caroline, I know it’s painful, but could you take me through what happened that night?”

“Of course. I knew I’d need to. It’s not like I’ve ever forgotten it anyway. Not really. So, what do you want to know?”

“Start at the beginning, where did you meet him?”

“I’d been to the Kings on the High Street in Edenbridge playing pool and drinking handouts. I was pretty drunk. That counted against me, you know. It always does with girls. I walked down the High Street toward the railway station and caught a bus. He got on afterward and sat in front of me.”

“Where were you headed?”

“Out to Hever, I had temporary accommodation there and it was too far to walk in the dark.”

“Did you know where he was going?”

“No, he didn’t tell me.” Caroline looked down. “Or I don’t remember. He’d been sitting there for a minute or two and he turned around and smiled at me. He asked me my name and I told him it was Charlotte. That was the name of one of the girls I’d shared a room with. I honestly don’t know why I lied. He told me his name was Graham.”

Caroline winced.

“It’s such a cliché, but one thing led to another. I hate that expression, but it’s true. He came to sit next to me on my seat and slid right up close to me. He was very handsome and he had a nice smile. There wasn’t anything dodgy about him at all. He was really tall—I don’t know how tall exactly, but a lot taller than me and a lot stronger.”

“Did he tell you anything about himself?” Alex asked. “Anything you remember, even if it seems trivial?”

“I know we talked about work at first. I told him I worked in a shop and he said he wanted to help people. That sounds really cheesy now, but I was very young. That made him seem like a good person. He had booze with him, a bottle of whiskey in his jacket pocket, and that was enough for me. We had a snog while we were still on the bus. I remember thinking he was gentle and relaxed.”

Caroline’s eyed filled with tears. “It was nice to have that type of attention. I thought he was really kind for offering to share his drink. And then we got off the bus and I realized we weren’t where I thought we were. The fresh air must have sobered me up because I realized it was a bad idea and I asked him to walk me home.”

“And what did he say?”

“He was really calm and he just said, ‘No, Charlotte, we need to finish what we’ve started.’ ”

“I’m not saying you should have, but did you try to run away?”

“I didn’t want to make a fuss,” Caroline said with a damp laugh. “I didn’t know which way to go and felt like I’d done something wrong by changing my mind. I kept apologizing. I said I was sorry, but I really needed to go. And that’s when he went for me.”

“It’s okay, take your time,” Alex said.

Caroline took a deep breath and closed her eyes. “I don’t really know exactly what he did because it was so dark, but he was very fast, and heavier than he looked. I was on the ground before I knew what was happening. I could feel him tying my hands behind my back and it really hurt. I said, ‘No, you don’t need to do that, I’ll do it,’ you know, ‘I’ll do it with you, just don’t hurt me.’ But he just laughed and carried on. Then my jeans were off and he was on top of me. He seemed to like it most when I struggled so I struggled more so he’d finish quicker.”

“Oh God,” Alex said before she could stop herself.

“I know. You develop a strange logic, but it worked. It was all over quite fast. He told me to stay there or he’d hunt me down and kill me. I believed him.”

Caroline took a deep breath.

“He put his hands on my throat and left them there for a really long time, not squeezing or anything. Then he just cut my hands free. I could hear him stepping away and the bracken snapping under his weight. I was too scared to look around but I heard a car engine—”

“A car engine? Did you tell the police that?”

“I think so. It was quite close by, so either someone was waiting for him or he’d left his car there. I guess it could have been someone unconnected, but I don’t know why anyone would have been there that late.”

Alex thought again about Graham and Tom, could she have been looking for one person when it was two all along? She remembered Matt saying how unlikely that was. But unlikely was not the same thing as impossible.

“I’m so sorry you went through this on your own, especially when you were so young. How long did you stay there?”

“All night. I even slept a little bit, curled up next to a big tree with a load of bracken over me like something out of
The Jungle Book
. The sun came up and I started to hear cars nearby, so I made my way to the road. I was too scared to thumb a lift in case he was in one of the cars, checking up on me. I managed to walk home and sat in the bath for hours, trying to work out what to do. I didn’t have anyone to ask for advice so I flipped a coin and decided I’d go to the police.

“By the time I got there I was shaking violently. I felt really ill by then too, sort of hollowed out and freezing cold. I must have looked a state. I mean, I had soaking wet hair, and makeup all down my face. The policeman behind the desk took one look at me and ushered me into this little room, with a towel for my head and a cup of tea, but I was shaking too much to drink it, it just spilled everywhere.”

“I’m glad someone looked after you at least,” Alex said.

“I wouldn’t say that. He sort of threw the towel at me and rolled his eyes. I waited for a long time, maybe an hour, and then two different policemen came in.”

“No female officers?”

“They said I could ask for one but it could be hours. I decided to tough it out.”

“Were you examined?”

“No, they said there was no point as I’d had a bath and he’d used a condom.”

Alex shook her head and thought of Matt, the debates they’d had during expensive dinners. Him forever championing the force, the strength of character and moral rigidity of his colleagues. Her sloshing £12 glasses of wine as she’d argued with him. They’d usually end up laughing about something else.

“It’s over fifteen years ago,” Caroline said carefully, “and some of it is so hazy that I don’t know if I’ve rewritten it in my head. I couldn’t tell you how long I sat in the bath, or which day of the week this all happened on. I couldn’t tell you the exact order of things or even some of the details about
him
. But there are other things that are razor sharp, so sharp I try to forget them but they pull me up short and hit me out of nowhere. Like his eyes,” Caroline continued, turning to look at Alex. “I’ll never forget his eyes.”

“Caroline, if I showed you a picture, do you think you’d recognize him?”

Caroline looked panicked, as if Alex had said he was standing outside the door.

“Yes. I’m absolutely certain I’d recognize him, I’ve never forgotten, no matter how hard I’ve tried. Hang on, do you know who he is?”

“I don’t know for sure but there’s someone I have a funny feeling about. He could be totally unrelated though. Sorry the photos are a bit dodgy, they were taken in a rush.”

“Who is he? Do you know if he’s done this kind of thing again? Is he the one you think hurt your victim?”

“He’s just someone that’s come to my attention while I’ve been researching this story. To be honest, I almost hope it’s not him. Can I show you?” Alex asked.

“Okay,” Caroline inched away slightly as Alex picked her phone back up.

Alex opened her phone’s photo gallery and found the batch of pictures she’d snapped hastily in Sue and Graham’s living room.

“Most of these probably aren’t clear enough as I took them in such a hurry but I’ve left them all in just in case there’s anything useful. Just scroll through in your own time and tell me if you recognize him. I don’t want to lead you in any way.”

Caroline scrolled with shaking hands, squinting at the pictures, some of which were obscured by the flash bouncing off the frames.

At the last one, she narrowed her eyes and suddenly recoiled and stood up, still holding the phone. She pointed to the screen, eyes wide in terror.

“That’s him. Oh my God, that’s him.”