Turds in the Punch Bowl (A Story of No Ordinary Friendship) (17 page)
Read Turds in the Punch Bowl (A Story of No Ordinary Friendship) Online
Authors: Jen Ashton
“Looks like the party’s over,” Trevor mentioned. “We’ll see you guys later.”
Joe was definitely not getting laid that day and my Mr. Right obviously couldn’t take a penis joke. I wouldn’t be taking him home after all. In five short seconds, everyone had cleared and left Joe and I standing by ourselves in the middle of the pool, floating around like two tainted rejects that just crashed their party. We had just become the unequivocal turds in the punch bowl.
Captain Cock-block and his tree branch:
Or
TIGHT LIKE SPANDEX
There is a moment in every friendship where you know that you will be friends forever. For me, it was when Joe and I discussed getting married for tax and insurance purposes. I realized at that moment that I was utterly repulsed by the thought of having sex with him and almost threw up in my mouth. But despite my gag reflex, I also knew that I loved him enough to be with him forever.
Though we have since grown up a bit, in inches more so than maturity, and moved to different cities, we are still tighter than ever. Joe is the person I call when life gets hard and my man can’t. He is the friend I reach out to when I need to decide what book to write or what friend to write off. He is who I turn to when I am ready to plan my next big adventure or when I’ve already made my next big mistake. No matter the twists and turns or the distance between us, Joe is always there for me. He is the kind of friend that anyone would be lucky to have, but most aren’t lucky enough to find.
I can only hope that by now you love Joe as much as I do (men and women alike); whether you want to marry him, be him, be like him or just buy him a beer. He may be quirky. He may have a strange sense of humor. He may say all the wrong things at the right time. But, he is the best friend a girl could have and for that I am forever indebted and indefinitely dedicated to my search for his Mrs. Right, or at the very least, Mrs. Right Now. It is my duty as his Monkey to look out for both my broseph and his branch, always. So if you’re still reading this and you can picture yourself with Joe, without the acid reflux, please send your dating application to the following email address. Perhaps, you may be lucky enough to land him for a lifetime like me.
We wish you true friendship, lots of laughs, crazy monkey sex and wild nights without bleeding nipples or video cameras. And please be safe, there are plenty of jackasses out there!
THE END
UPDATE 2013: To find out what happened when Joe finally found a girlfriend, check out this hilariously twisted illustrated sequel for only $0.99!
A Story About a Cat or A Guide to Understanding Men
(pen name: Jen Jackson)
By
Jen Ashton
(read on for an excerpt)
I've wanted to be a model since I received my first compliment.
“Aw, isn’t she precious,” my grandmother swooned.
That’s all I needed to hear. It was in my blood. I was born to model and I was determined to get a head start on the other girls. So, it’s no surprise that photos exist of me posing in my crib naked with a mink throe. All I was missing was a little lipstick. I was such an amateur then. But flash forward six years and I would finally get my chance to go pro.
One afternoon while I was reorganizing my Star Wars figures in my new Darth Vader case, my mom knocked on the bedroom door.
“Jennie?” she asked sweetly. “How would you like to model tonight at my Tupperware party?”
I almost pissed in my Dungarees. Maybe there was an innate desire to be a girl somewhere under my striped Izod polo and dark denim jeans after all. Or not. Looking back, my mom probably just wanted to get me into a dress, but to me, this was my chance to strut my stuff. I had fantasies of becoming a big time Christmas catalog model. Every December I would flip through the pages of the Sears Catalog, circling images of the latest boy’s fashion—Oshkosh overalls, Michael Jackson Thriller jacket, soccer cleats—you name it, I was all about putting in years of hard work at Tupperware parties, family functions, or neighborhood picnics to earn my way up the ranks to model it someday. And now, here was my chance. It was an offer I couldn’t refuse.
My eyes lit up with excitement and I smiled bigger than ever before. Little did I know then, that this would be the beginning of a string of modeling assignments to earn my merits. And they would all start with, “Jennie, would you like to model for me tonight?” Those few words would soon take a strange toll—from sheer eagerness to pay my dues to absolute horror when I looked in the mirror—all for the sake of chasing my dreams to be a male model.
“Come down to the kitchen once you’ve put your toys away,” my mom instructed. “I’ll show you what you’ll need to do.”
I showed up a few minutes later wearing my best plaid shirt, still rocking my Dungarees. My mom pulled back my hair and asked me to sit on a chair in the middle of the room. She draped a cape over my shoulders and started to apply makeup to my face. It was the eighties, so she caked on the blue eye shadow and red lipstick; a trend she would repeat over and over and over again on my poor little face every time we went to Sears for family photos. And though I forced a smile for the sake of not getting grounded, I knew in my heart that the makeup was never going to increase my chances of being recognized by the photographer as the next face of “Boys: Size 8-10.”
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Thank you for supporting this author. Be sure to check these other Jen Ashton titles:
By Jen Ashton:
Whole in My Heart – Coming Soon!
By Pen Name Jen Jackson:
ABC for the Over-worked Under-appreciated Mom
All I Really Need to Know I Learned on Dexter
Forewords:
Discovering Your Personal Power
By Nikkos Zorbas
What To Do Now That You’ve Been Laid Off
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About the Author
Equal parts heart, soul and science,
Jen Ashton
is a professional artist and bestselling author who is primarily known for her tongue-in-cheek essay style memoirs. As she chronicles her lifelong journey of self-discovery and all-round nerdistry, she does so in humorous and often times very vulnerable ways. A single mother and free spirit, she’s just a woman trying to make her way in this world while sharing her stories with readers.
Though she has written and published in many genres, Ashton's bestselling “nearly” fictional tales include:
For more information, please visit her website:
http://www.jenashton.com/
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