Turn It Up (18 page)

Max groaned. He’d always prided himself on being a good multitasker, but over the past weeks as he’d strived to be there for Tasha, the ability to juggle as many balls as usual seemed to elude him.

Somehow he’d find the time to get it all done, without her thinking he was neglecting her. All the advances he’d made in terms of having her open up to him, having her start to confide in him as more than simply a friend, gave him hope she was falling for him. Now if she’d stop being so damn stubborn and admit it, they could get somewhere.

They chatted quietly as she squirmed until there was finally a knock at the door and a gowned attendant joined them.

“Sorry for the wait, we’ll be ready to roll in a jiffy.” The woman held out a hand to Tasha. “I’m Nancy. You eager to get a peek at that little one?”

Tasha’s face lit up. “You have no idea.”

Nancy laughed. “Well, I’m sure when I push on your bladder you’ll be debating how much you want these pictures, but yes, it’s exciting.” She turned toward him and smiled. “How nice. You brought your brother with you.”

He couldn’t stop his burst of laughter. “Husband. I’m the father of the baby you’re taking pictures of in a minute.”

The woman floundered for words, stammering out an embarrassed apology as she reached to grab plastic bottles from a warming tray. Max exchanged glances with Tasha. Her cheeks were flushed, but she rolled her eyes for a second then blew him a kiss. The difference in their ages had bothered very few people. Sure, there was the occasional question or a mistake like just now, but for the most part the only person who had made it into a huge issue was Lila.

Her continued avoidance of Tasha was more than rude, it was cruel. He checked Tasha again, hoping her thoughts hadn’t drifted in the same direction as his. He didn’t want the memory of Lila’s stubborn betrayal of their friendship to have any part in this day.

Tasha focused on the clinician as she settled in her chair and rearranged Tasha’s top to access her belly. Max rolled his chair closer, watching with fascination. Nancy was great, and explained each step as she proceeded. Tasha cringed when the monitor touched her skin, and he found his fingers and hers linked together again. He held her hand, silently enthralled as images appeared on the screen. Black and white blurs sharpened into focus, and suddenly there were tiny hands and feet. A little rounded bottom. Perfectly formed miniature shoulders.

Happiness struck him like the broadside of a wave. It threatened to crash him to his knees, his blood pounding in his ears so hard he barely heard the rest of the explanations.

“Do you want to know what sex your baby is?” Nancy asked.

Max motioned for Tasha to answer. He’d already told her what he wanted, but it was up to her to decide.

She licked her lips, turning back to the monitor eagerly. “If you can tell us, we’d love to know.”

Max leaned forward.
Yes
. He’d hoped to hear. Okay, maybe he had a touch of OCD, but it would make things a lot easier for planning, especially prepping the baby’s room and…

He just wanted to know.

“All right, we’ll take a look. There’s a slight chance we won’t be able to figure it out, and please remember there’s a possibility we might be wrong.”

The sound of his breathing echoed loudly in his ears as he waited.

Nancy clicked her tongue and made complaining noises. “Little one, stop rolling away from me. Looks like someone’s pretty active right now.”

Tasha was the one who put his fingers in a death grip. “I don’t mind.”

“Hmmm, I think if we try from this angle…” Nancy reached around to the far side of Tasha’s belly, angling the sensor back, and wonder of wonders, the baby stretched. “Oh, there we go. I do believe I don’t see anything.”

Max couldn’t care less. Fine, he could paint the walls yellow and they’d come up with two sets of names. It didn’t matter not knowing—

“Which usually means you’re having a girl.”

The room spun.

On the monitor, their baby—
his baby girl
—rolled again, presenting her feet toward the monitor and losing the focus. To his left, Tasha made a cooing sound, something halfway between a cry and a sigh.

He held it together by a thread until Nancy had wiped the gel from Tasha’s belly, congratulated them both and left them alone. He barely managed to help Tasha to a sitting position before burying his face in her neck and letting the tears fall.

Tasha ached as Max wept, his arms cradling her tenderly. That something inside that longed for a love without end—that place she’d had tied up tight and hidden away fearing it could never, ever be—snapped wide open.

She’d been thrilled to see the baby. Every step of the journey made this experience more incredible, and more real to her, but right now it wasn’t just the joy of having seen her little girl that moved her.

Maxwell was tearing her heart in two.

It was the obvious love Maxwell had to share that made her tangle her fingers in his hair and hold him tight. She wished she could tell him she understood how he felt. That she had the same reaction when she saw him looking at
her
across the room with a smile on his face. She wished she knew the right words to use at this moment.

She wished she didn’t need to pee so bad.

Tasha tugged lightly to get him to back up enough she could kiss his cheek, tasting the salty moisture of his tears. “It’s okay. And I want to talk with you, but I’ve got to go to the bathroom or I’m going to have a terrible accident right here.”

Max shook with his laughter as he escorted her down the hall, leaving her with a pat on the backside. Tasha shut the door on his grinning face, torn between needing to share with him, and the feeling she was literally about to explode.

She washed up quickly, stepping with relief into the waiting room. He stood from where he’d been leaning on the wall, took her hand and they made their way back down to the car in silence. His hand was warm around hers, gentle. Someone stepped in their path and instantly he was there, guarding her from being bumped on the busy sidewalk.

He was always doing that, she realized. Coming forward to protect her. Making light-hearted jokes when someone spoke out of line regarding their ages, or her being pregnant so fast. Without making a big deal of it, he’d been acting like a knight and holding a shield before her to keep things running as smoothly as possible.

The smile he gave her as he helped her into the car—sincere as always, but with an added twist of mischief in it. That was what she’d always appreciated about him before they’d gotten involved. The way he seemed to thumb his nose at the world around him even while showing what was important to him.

There was no denying this baby was important to him. He’d said she was important as well. She grabbed for his hand and clutched it the whole way home, not willing to talk, still searching for what to say.

Searching for the strength to acknowledge love had snuck in.

Tasha waited until they were back in their apartment before she pulled him to the bedroom. She made him sit, then crawled on top of him to shower him with mad kisses.

He cupped her face in his hands, slowing her down. Taking the time to answer her with long, wet kisses that turned the racing beat in her nerves into a racing pulse in her core. Then he dropped his forehead against hers and spoke quietly, and her heart overflowed.

“Oh my God, Tasha, that was the most incredible moment of my life, seeing our little girl.” His hands swept down to cradle her belly and his body shuddered as he took in a deep breath. “I know it doesn’t make any sense to some people, but I’ve truly wanted this forever. I’ve wanted to have a family of my own, with children and a lover to share my life.

“When we arranged this, with that prenatal agreement, I told you I’d always be there for this baby. I said this relationship between us was a choice. That’s still true. It was, and I think being together is the best thing possible for us both. But I have to tell you something. When I agreed to this situation, I didn’t tell you everything.”

One finger lifted her chin until their eyes met. He stared at her, his pupils dark with the depth of his emotion. “I love you.”

She held back her tears. Every word he spoke rushed in and chipped away another piece of the wall she’d built around her heart. Tasha lifted her fingers to his mouth.

He kissed them softly before continuing, his voice growing stronger as he spoke. “I know you said you didn’t love me and that’s okay, but I can’t hide this anymore. I’m going to care for you with everything I’ve got and that means telling you the truth.”

My God.
Her throat tightened. Involuntarily, her old self-defense mechanisms kicked in. “You’re in love with the baby, with the idea of family—”

“This isn’t just about the baby, although I do love her. Holy
fuck
, we’re having a girl…” His voice broke and she laughed through the tears falling from her own eyes.

“You need to stop swearing before that little girl arrives.”

He nodded, his lips pressed together. He kissed her again, tilting his head to briefly catch her mouth with his. “I love you. I do. Nothing’s going to change that. If you still need time, that’s fine. But I’ve got to stop hiding how I feel. I don’t expect anything from you except to give me a chance to prove it.”

Fear that now he’d actually said the words he’d lose the feeling rocked her. She beat it down, refusing to let her apprehension immobilize her like it had before. This wasn’t about her past, it was about her future. She had to move forward.

Be honest. Be upfront.

“I’m scared.”

He frowned. “Of what?”

“That you’ll leave me. That now you’ve admitted you love me, I’ll do something wrong and you’ll decide it’s not worth the time and the energy. That I’m not worth it.”

“Oh God, Tasha.” He slipped one hand up around the back of her neck and cradled her tighter against him, the roundness of her belly pressing his torso. He rocked her like a baby, squeezing her close and for the first time she could remember, she let the tears fall. For the relationships that had gone sour. For the family who had turned their back on her. She’d stood on her own for so long that there was never an appropriate time for her to weep and mourn for what she didn’t have in her life. She’d pushed aside the hurt and gone forward.

Only now she saw she’d simply been dragging the pain behind her.

She clung to him for the longest time, and he held her, letting her cry it out until there was nothing left to cry. Hiccups hit, and then the giggles as he soothed her. He rubbed her back, offered her tissues, walked her to the washroom and wet down a facecloth and wiped her eyes.

She grabbed a cloth and soaked it, tugging him closer and washing his face as well. With every touch she tried to show how much it meant to be able to trust him. How much she needed to have this become more than how they’d started.

When she finally felt human again, they ended up back on the bed, fingers tangled together as they lay side by side.

Letting go of the hurt brought both relief and regret. She didn’t want to make this a day filled with bitter memories, but it seemed the emotional dam had burst and there was no way to stop the flood. She picked her pains carefully, trying to not to lay blame, but explain why her fears haunted her.

She stared into his eyes as she forced herself to speak. Watching his response—she wasn’t sure it helped or made it more difficult to see his expression change as she shared.

“Every single time I’ve realized I loved a person, something has happened. The situation would change, and suddenly they would be gone. Or they would expect me to change, and when I didn’t meet their expectations, it would be my fault, and the end result would be the same—I would be alone again.”

He touched her cheek tenderly. “You’re not responsible for other’s actions.”

She sniffed. “I know it in my head, but convincing my heart is a whole lot harder. I’ve read a million self-help books about how my father leaving my mother had nothing to do with me, but it still hurts.”

Max nodded slowly. “And now you’re worried I’ll fall out of love with you? Is that why you’ve been running hot and cold on me? One minute you enjoy my attention, the next you put up barriers?”

Tasha breathed in slowly, fighting to stop the air from stuttering en route into her lungs. “Again, my brain trusts you, but I’m still scared. What if I don’t get back my body after the baby arrives—will you still want to be with me? What if I’m too tired taking care of the little one to be interested in sex? I can’t imagine you ever turning to another, you’re not the type to cheat, but—”

The words stuck in her throat. Picturing Max in the arms of another woman was enough to make her sick to her stomach.

“Shh. Don’t do that to yourself.” He pulled her against his chest, his chin resting on top of her head. The warmth of his body wrapped around her, the tenderness in his words cradled her heart. “I love you. I love
you
, not someone you think you need to be for me. I can’t erase your fears. I wish to God I could.”

Tasha talked on. Just long enough for her to share a few more of the things she’d held in tight. It wasn’t like Max offered any instant fix. He didn’t have any magical words to share that washed away the past. But he listened, and the expression on his face said he cared. Cared deeply. His few words were comforting, loving. Exactly what she needed to hear.

When she’d let the last drop escape, they both lay quietly for a while. A tranquil peacefulness surrounded them, like the calm after the storm. He pulled one hand free and smoothed her hair back. “Are you going to be okay?”

She nodded quickly, not wanting the tears to return before she had a chance to finish. It took three tries and a couple throat clearings to be able to force the words out.

“You know that prenatal agreement? Can I change my mind about one detail?”

He teased lightly. “You want to add something about me groveling at your feet on a daily basis?”

She hit him, then returned his smile. “Max, I’m still scared, but I’d…” A deep breath in to steady her nerves. This was what she wanted. It was what she needed. “I’d like to let myself fall in love with you.”