Twilight (40 page)

He pressed his hand to the pane as car lights appeared, neared, and turned in. He looked for the children, but saw only Laurie. A private meeting then, as he’d hoped. They could say all the things that needed saying. And when the words were done …

Laurie got out and climbed his stairs. He had the door opened by the time she reached the top. She smiled, her eyes large and inviting, her hair soft, smelling of Beautiful. He pulled her inside and closed the door.

She didn’t resist, melting into him like butter on hot bread. It was all worth it—the ribs, the burns, the destruction of his reputation, and all the trouble he’d yet to face—worth it because she was there in his arms. He tipped up her face and kissed her, putting all of his love and need and desire into that kiss. She wrapped her arms around his neck and returned it.

“I love you,” he breathed into her hair, stroking her shoulders with his hands.

She said nothing, only pulled his mouth back to hers and cranked his desire up another notch.

He eased back to hold her face between his hands. “I love you, Laurie.”

“Just kiss me.”

He did, but a sense of loss was growing inside. “I want you to know—”

“Don’t talk, Cal.” Her eyes brightened with tears, and her lips trembled.

“What, then?” He threaded his fingers into her hair.

“You know what.”

Did he ever. He wanted her more than he’d thought possible. He could have her now. No more longing, no more needing.
Really?
The voice inside threatened to spoil it.
Just like the last time?

He kissed her again, trying to regain the simple need, the physical need. “And after that?” his voice rasped.

She shook her head. “Just now. Just this.”

He swallowed the pain that grew in his throat. “Why?”

“You saved my life, my children.”

The pain went deep inside. “And you owe me?”

She rested her palms on his chest. A tear broke free and started down the side of her face. “Don’t make it sound like that.”

The hurt was turning to anger. “So we have a romp for old times’ sake, and you don’t have to feel indebted?”

Her mouth hardened and, for the first time, he saw her mother in her. Her tone, too, was defensive. “It’s what you’ve wanted.”

He dropped his forehead to the crown of her head, drew her scent into his lungs. “Not it, Laurie. You.” Didn’t she understand? “I want all of it this time.” He spread his fingers through her hair. “Love, marriage, sex. I want you.”

She pulled back. “Well, you can’t have that.”

“Why?”

She turned her face to the side. “I don’t love you.”

It was worse than the ribs, worse than the burns. It topped any pain he’d known. No, she’d never said she did. But she’d never before said she didn’t. He had clung to the possibility like a drowning man to a splinter, and now she’d torn it away. Why now, after everything that had happened?

She sniffed. “I can’t … love.”

“You love Luke and Maddie.”

Her face screwed up as she fought tears that came anyway. “That’s different.”

“No, it’s not. It’s laying down yourself for someone else.” As he’d done for her.

She swiped the tears from under her nose with the back of her hand. “I don’t have a self to lay down.”

Not for him anyway. He wasn’t rich enough, famous enough. He couldn’t give her anything but a simple home … and his love. He wanted to strike something. Then he heard the utter hopelessness in her tone.
“I don’t have a self to lay down.”

The anger faded. Cal’s hands dropped to his sides. She was telling him the truth, not what he wanted to hear, not what he needed. But the truth. Did she have to love herself before she could love someone else? Maybe that was the hole in her he’d never been able to fill. He looked at her now, as beautiful as any woman he’d known, yet empty in a way he couldn’t fix.

His voice rasped, “I’d do anything for you, Laurie, if I thought it would make any difference.”

She looked away. “It won’t.”

He dropped his chin, cocking his head to the side and fighting the ache. He stepped back, putting space between himself and the woman he loved, space that would only grow with time. “You don’t owe me anything. I’d have done what I did for anyone. It’s my job.” The words were a slap, he knew. But the hurt was burning out the one small piece of his own worth he had left.

She closed her eyes, stood for a moment without speaking, then turned and reached for the door. Cal felt her absence as keenly as the cold wind that blew in. He dropped to the chair at the kitchen table and rested his head on his palms. He was insane, passing up sex with the woman he loved for some reason he couldn’t begin to understand.

He picked up the phone and called Reggie.

Reggie hung up the receiver and went out to Suanne in the living room. He glanced at the cross-stitched ornament she was working on. Would she mind if he …

She looked up with her slanting cat’s eyes and knowing smile. “I know. God’s called Moses to the promised land.”

Reggie grinned, then bent and kissed her forehead. “Like Moses, I am ill fit to the task. But God knows best.”

“Mm-hmm. He sends them as are willing.”

Reggie took his coat from the closet and pulled the knit cap over his head. “I’ve had a burden for this man a long time now.”

“Don’t I know?”

He picked up his Bible, leaned down, and kissed her on the lips. “Keep supper hot for me.”

“I might even keep it for three.”

Reggie nodded. “I’ll bring him if I can.”

He drove to Cal’s and climbed the stairs with no more certainty of success than Moses in Pharaoh’s court. But Cal had called, and that was something. Reggie banged his fist on the door.

Cal pulled it open. Was it unshed tears, alcohol, or just stress that made his eyes so hollow and bleak?

“You clean, bro?”

Cal nodded and turned back inside. Reggie followed him in and set the Bible on the small table. The kitchen was overly warm, and Reggie stripped his coat and hung it on the chair back. Cal walked to the refrigerator, pulled out a Coke, and handed it over. Reggie popped the tab and drank.

Cal leaned on the counter. “You told me God had a time and a purpose for everything, an order to the universe. You said if I did things the r ight way, they’d work out.” His fists clenched and unclenched.

“That’s not exactly what I said.” Reggie pulled off his cap and laid it on the table. “Yeah, you gotta do things the right way, but sometimes what you think should happen isn’t God’s plan.” He slid out the chair and sat. “What’s goin’ on?”

Cal forked his fingers through his hair. “Laurie. She came to pay her dues.”

“What dues?”

“One night of great sex in return for saving her life.”

Reggie frowned. He did not want to be hearing this.

“And you know what?” Cal paced across the room, hands tight again. “I turned her down.”

“Why?”

Cal slapped the wall. “You tell me.”

Reggie took the risk. “You knew inside it was wrong.”

Cal turned, raised his hands, and dropped them. “Why? Seven years ago it wasn’t wrong.”

“Sure it was. You just didn’t know it then.”

“I was in love with her, Reg.” Cal spun the opposite chair and straddled it.

“Then you should have married her.”

He spread his arms. “She wouldn’t have me. She said no.”

“So you took what you could get.”

Cal’s head dropped heavily. “It wasn’t like that. Her grandmother died. Laurie was upset. She needed comfort.”

“Comfort—not sex.” Reggie knew he was pushing, but somehow he guessed it was time.

Cal’s brow contorted. “I loved her, Reggie. I did what came naturally out of that love.”

“And then what?”

Cal stood, took a step, and turned. “Then she … went berserk. We fought. She left … and married Mr. Drug Lord.”

“Don’t you see? You betrayed her.”

“What?” Cal’s look was sheer amazement.

“You took what didn’t belong to you.”

Cal shook his head. “I didn’t take it. She was just as willing.”

Reggie indicated the chair and waited until Cal sat down. “She might’ve been willing. But it was your responsibility to protect her, from herself even.”

“Come on, Reg. What kind of prosaic thinking is that?”

“God’s thinking.” Reggie let that sink in.

Cal folded his arms around the chair back in front of him. “So, because I slept with her one night, God took her away forever?”

Now they were on treacherous ground. One wrong word could turn Cal away, set a root of bitterness in his spirit. “There are consequences to sin. The wages are death. You killed your possibilities by sinning with her.”

Cal slammed his fist on the table. “It wasn’t sin!”

Reggie didn’t let go. “Sex outside the covenant is wrong. You can deny that all you like, but it won’t change things. Here.” He took up his Bible, thumbed a tab, and opened. He flipped some pages and handed it over. “Read the story of David and Bathsheba. There was a man after God’s own heart, yet he stumbled in the same way you did.”

“And God punished him?”

“The consequences of his own sin punished him. And he paid the rest of his life for those consequences.”

Cal glanced down at the page and back up. “Then what’s the point?”

Reggie laid a hand across the page. “God’s sovereign mercy reunited David to Himself. Read it.”

Cal read. Reggie waited, sipping on the Coke, and prayed. Cal read all the way through the murder of Uriah, the coming of Samuel, the death of Bathsheba’s baby, and David’s response. Then he looked up. “I didn’t murder, Reg. I didn’t take another man’s wife. Not knowingly, anyway.”

Reggie nodded. “But the principle is the same. In God’s eyes all sin is abomination. Men label some acts worse than others, but not God. In as much as ye have lusted after your sister, ye have defiled her.”

Cal crossed his arms on the chair back and rested his chin. “All right, so I’ve done things wrong. I’ve also done things right. Doesn’t that count for anything?”

“Of course it does.”

Cal raised his head. “Then why won’t God give me the one thing I want?”

“Which is?”

“Laurie.”

The man was in pain. It came through his voice, his eyes, his stance. But Cal didn’t know what it was he really needed. Reggie opened one hand. “ ’Cause He’s got something better.”

“What?” Cal’s brows scrunched together.

“Life.”

“Life.” Cal rubbed his palm over his face. “Look around you, Reg. Look at these walls.”

Reggie looked. It was Cal’s place, a little tidier than he’d seen it at times. He returned his gaze to Cal.

Cal spread his arms. “This is it. I don’t even have my work anymore, thanks to Dr. James.”

Reggie shook his head. “She’s in a battle of her own.”

“Well, I never signed on to her army.”

“Yes, you did, bro. When you entered her world.”

Cal’s face contorted. “She has the entire department believing I’m a nut. She and Chuck Danson. Now that’s a pair. Lock me up and throw away the key.” He stood up, stalked to the refrigerator, yanked out a Coke, and sucked it down.

Reggie stood, too, crossed the narrow space to Cal, and rested his hand on his friend’s shoulder. “Rita cares more than you know.” Cal shook his head. “Then why’s she in the crowd shouting ‘cru-

cify him’?”

“You’re not crucified, Cal. Jesus did that for you.” Regg ie wrapped an arm around Cal’s shoulders and led him to the couch. Then he sat down in the recliner across from him. “When I said life, I didn’t mean this one. This one is temporal. What God has for you is eternal.”

Cal dropped his head back. “Then why won’t He just end it?”

“He has a plan for you.”

Cal sat quiet, matching Regg ie’s gaze. He spread his hands. “What plan?”

“No one knows the whole of it. But I know the beginning. He wants you to give Him yourself.”

“I did.”

“When?”

“In the fire. With Laurie. I told him to do what He liked with me.”

A burst of excitement began inside. “That’s a start, bro. Did you tell him you were a sinner and make him your Lord?”

“I didn’t really have time to go into detail.”

“Then do it now.”

“What’s the point?”

Reggie crossed to the couch and sank in beside Cal. “The point is, until you give over control of your life to Jesus Christ, these walls are all you’ve got.”

Cal’s brow furrowed and his jaw tensed. He dropped his face into his hands. “I just want to love her.”

“You gotta do first things first. I don’t know where Laurie fits in. But you can’t jump ahead of God’s will. Right now, it’s you He’s concerned with.”

Cal looked up. “So I surrender, and God delivers her, priority mail?”

Reggie shook his head. “No promises. God wants you whether you ever see Laurie again or not.”

“Kind of a one-sided deal.”

“Not when you consider you don’t take a breath that isn’t God’s gift to you.” Reggie sat back. “I won’t argue, bro. You know.” He pressed a hand to his chest. “You know here what’s right. You decide.”

Cal looked slowly around the room. “All right.”

Reggie dropped to his knees. He could almost hear the angels singing as he led Cal in the sinner’s prayer. “You are set free, my man. Ransomed by the blood of Jesus.”