Twin Flames (4 page)

He was safe. He'd always been safe. What was wrong with me? Was this caused by my broken soul? Was I finally losing it? After all of these years, had I only delayed the inevitable? Would my friend have to put me down like a rabid animal?
Well, if so, then it wouldn't be today. Ushna needed me and I wouldn't let him down.
"Thank you for the offer, Jasper, but we'll be fine." I added in a softer tone, "If I need anything, I'll call you. Please tell the Council we'll turn in our reports as soon as we get back home."
Jasper's lips twisted into a sardonic smile. He briefly flicked his eyes to mine before glancing away again. "Go take your vacation, Tristan. I think you both need it."
He followed the warriors out of the alley, leaving Ushna and me standing silently in the rain.

The power, strength, and speed I'd felt in the alley left me as soon as Jasper was gone. There was a place in my chest that was oddly separate from me. The energy that had filled my body went back into that hidden spot and was contained there. I felt normal again, but strangely aware of it in the core of my body.

It took some effort, but I was able to get Ushna to the pickup truck and back to the hotel room. Between my injuries and half carrying Ushna, who was six inches taller and fifty pounds heavier, I was exhausted. Ushna was in a daze. I was just happy he followed instructions or I would've had more problems than I did trying to get him in and out of the truck.

Inside the warm hotel room, I realized how chilled and covered in blood, dirt, and grime we both were. As much as I wanted to crawl into bed and become comatose, there was still much I needed to do. With Ushna's arm over my shoulder, I got him into the bathroom and sat him on the toilet lid. Kneeling in front of him, I saw his eyes were dull and spacey. I didn't know what he was seeing, but he looked so sad and forlorn. My chest was tight as I cupped his face between my bruised and bloody hands. I softly called his name until he actually looked at me.

"I need you to undress and shower before we can lie down." I wasn't encouraged when he didn't immediately respond. Okay, Plan B.

Gingerly, I took off my wet clothes. I put them in the sink so they wouldn't drip on the floor. I was starting to stiffen up and I knew it would be worse tomorrow. I pushed the thought away. I needed to take care of Ushna.

For so long, it'd been him caring for me. In some ways I felt I'd taken advantage of that. He'd taken care of me when he could've been out finding his Flame, building a home and a family. Instead, he'd safeguarded a wrecked shell of a man.

Because of my decision, it was possible I would roam my next incarnations alone, half of what I could be with no Bashert, no destiny. I'd known this when I'd asked for the clean break all those years ago. I hadn't known my friend would follow me into this solitary life. He was a good man and deserved so much more.

The thought of Ushna leaving me, of losing him to a real life with his Twin Flame, as selfish as it was, almost broke me anew. He was the only one who kept me tethered to the world. Without him, I'd be utterly lost. I relied on him for so much but even though it pained me, I knew I couldn't be everything he needed. After this incident, I realized I'd do whatever was required to keep from losing him to the Lupe. Becoming an animal with no knowledge of one's self was unimaginable. I'd rather lose him to someone else, knowing he was leading a good and happy life, even if I wasn't a part of it.

After I undressed, I removed Ushna's clothes. Other than some lacerations and bruising to his hands and forearms, he was, thankfully, unmarked. After I got him to step out of his pants and boxers, I reached over and turned on the water. I cringed as he stepped dazedly into the shower and I heard the squish from the shredded remains of his socks. I twisted down and removed the soggy cloth and tossed them in the trash. I finally climbed in the tub after him and gently pushed him so he stood under the warm spray. He raised his head to face the stinging water. He stood there until I grabbed the soap and pulled him out of the spray.

I'd seen my friend naked many times before we'd run together on moonlit nights and lived in the same housebut this felt different to me. More intimate. I noticed everything about him; the scars, the softness of the hair on his chest and how it tapered to a thin line leading down to his groin. I blinked. Good Lord, I was ogling my best friend. I quickly made him turn around while I washed his back and buttocks, refusing to think I was lingering over his round firm butt for any other reason than to get him clean. I washed his legs and turned him back around so I could finish, which put me face to face with what I'd been gawking at just a short time ago.

He was beautiful, all of him. I struggled with myself because I wanted to bury my face at the intersection of his thigh and groin. I wanted to breathe him in. It had been so long since I'd felt any kind of desire. I was shocked and embarrassed that I was getting hard looking at my friend.

I had to be careful because I couldn't afford to love Ushna more than I did. He'd soon leave me. I'd make sure of it because I wanted him happy. I was grateful to Ushna. I knew I loved him. I loved him for coming with me. I loved him for staying with me. I loved him for taking care of me. There were so many reasons why I loved him, but I was only his friend. I wasn't destined for him.

So, with my calloused hands, I finished cleaning his legs. I tentatively washed his groin before I stood up to push him back under the water so I could attend his blueblack hair.

I stepped into the spray, gently pushing him to the side so I could quickly clean myself. The pounding of the hot liquid on the back of my head was wonderful. I closed my eyes for a moment, to let the water erase my anxiety and tension.

Ushna's fingertips brushed my bruised and blackened ribs. I knew in a few days the bruising would be gone, but at that moment it looked awful and felt worse.

I shivered at the tone. His hand traveled up my torso, past my pecs, and around the back of my neck. Gently, he squeezed. Goddess, it felt so good.

I looked at him, looked into his beautiful green eyes that normally were so unreadable. I saw the worry in them and I gave him my best crooked smile. "I'm fine, you should see the other guy."

Ushna didn't laugh or smile but continued to look at me with… I couldn't describe it. I'd never seen that look on him. I'd been lost in myself for so long, I wasn't sure about a lot of things, especially after what had happened in the alley.

I would've chalked the experience up to stress, but I could still feel the coil of contained power that I couldn't explain away. I didn't have time to figure out what it was. Ushna needed me. He was my priority right now. If I was having a breakdown, it must wait until later.

"Come on, let's go to bed." I said as I pushed him out of the shower. The look Ushna gave me was causing things down below to wake up. I really didn't want to be sporting anything I'd have to explain.

After making sure Ushna was alert enough to take care of himself, I quickly dried off and put on a clean pair of boxers. The motel room was old and slightly rundown with a faint musty odor. The mattresses were lumpy but the sheets were clean enough. I lay down on the double bed I'd claimed as mine when we'd checked in two days ago. Ushna walked over and looked from his bed to mine with such yearning in his eyes that without thought I scooted over and raised the covers in silent invitation. Ushna didn't hesitate to crawl into bed with me and turned off the lamp.

Full beds really weren't designed for two grown men of our size to share. I gave up trying to find my own space and leaned into Ushna's back, throwing my arm around his waist. The touch of his back to my chest felt incredibly good. It was as if I'd been breathing shallow for so long and then taken a deep invigorating breath that filled my lungs to capacity.

Touch starved.
Lycans had always been creatures of touch. Not just the usual brushes or pats, but full body casual touching humans would view as sexual. That was why Lycans lived close together in tribes.

When we'd left Georgia after the Breaking, we had transferred to another tribe but within days of our arrival, Ushna petitioned the Council for permission to leave. The short while we were there, the other members felt my pain and tried to console me. The physical agony of their touch had been unbearable. I locked myself in my room, allowing only Ushna to come in. I knew they didn't mean to hurt me but that knowledge didn't keep me from flinching from their helping hands.

For the last several years, we hadn't lived in a tribe. This gave us control over when and if I was touched. But just because I was surviving without touch didn't mean Ushna was. I was afraid the emergence of the Lupe was my fault. Ushna had suffered from the loss of both touch and tribe because of my handicap. It wasn't that I minded touch now, because maybe I was just as touch starved as Ushna, but the avoidance had become habit for us. I hadn't meant Ushna to suffer along with me.

I couldn't help but feel ashamed I hadn't noticed the signs in my friend. Tentatively, Ushna took my hand in his and I felt his whole body shudder. Goddess, he smelled so good. Clean and male and something more that was solely Ushna. I tightened my arm around him, bringing him closer until our legs touched and then entwined.

"Ushna?"
"Yeah, Tristan?"
"Have you ever thought about finding your Flame?" Ushna went still under my arm, "My Flame died,"

he replied in an anguished whisper.
Shocked, I tried to remember if I'd known who
Ushna's Bashert had been. I couldn't come up with an
answer. Who? When?
"Ushna, I'm so sorry." Now I was the one not
breathing. I hadn't meant to cause Ushna pain. Tonight was
bad enough without adding my careless meddling. "My parents are the only ones who know." He
exhaled raggedly. I knew that loss, the pain he was feeling.
"It was a long time ago." Ushna's voice was barely audible,
"We were both just boys when we knew and right after
puberty… he died."
I'd known Ushna all of my life. I'd grown up with
him. We'd been pups together. I didn't remember anyone
who would've… oh crap.
My tongue stuck to the roof my mouth when I
whispered, "Brian?"
Ushna didn't have to say anything, his silence was
answer enough. Brian, Ushna, Gregori, Stan, and Jory had been my best of friends. If one of us got in trouble, we were all in trouble. We were inseparable and thought we'd grow
up to be great warriors.
I'd known Brian and Ushna were closer to each
other than to the rest of us. They were neighbors. It made
sense they spent more time together. It didn't bother the rest
of us; it was just how things were.
The summer I was eleven years old, all of us within
a week of each other went through our first change. It was
new and exciting. We had the arrogance of the very young.
We thought we'd moved from being children to adults. We
were moving up in the tribe to bigger and better things. Being the overconfident boys we were, we decided
to go for a run together, even though Alpha Rory had
forbidden us to go out without supervision. We didn't want
to wait for an adult to escort us. We believed we were men,
almost warriors, and we could defend ourselves. We felt
safe on our land and the change was exhilarating,
intoxicating even.
We had no idea of all the things that could go
wrong.
We'd been running for an hour or so, playing and
chasing each other like pups, when we heard the first shot.
At the time I didn't know what the noise was. I'd never
heard gunfire before. We stood there looking around, trying to figure out what was wrong. The second shot grazed my
flank.
I would never forget the pain or the heat of the
bullet that furrowed into me. I rolled and in my terror, I
started running for home with everyone coming up behind
me. The third shot made me run that much faster. I didn't, no I couldn't, think about anything other
than getting back to the safety of my tribe. When I saw
Alpha Rory in wolf form coming toward us, I would've
gladly taken any punishment for disobeying his orders just
to be safe with my alpha. I stopped and changed back to
human form when I reached him, instantly baring my neck
in submission. I was crying and babbled hysterically about
the hunter shooting at us.
It was Gregori who pointed out Ushna and Brian
weren't with us. Alpha Rory howled with fury into the night
sky, his call for help echoing in the dark. I felt the power of
the alpha wash over me in a fierce wave. If I hadn't already
been prone, it would've knocked me down. As it was, it
held me to the forest floor for several long seconds before
Rory took off in the direction we'd come from. Warriors I
hadn't seen or scented materialized out of the shadows of
the trees and followed the alpha in pursuit of the lost pups. My friends and I were escorted back to the edge of
the forest where our parents were waiting for us. I remembered throwing myself in my mother's arms, bawling and bleeding. All thoughts of being a man fled as her comforting arms wrapped around me. I didn't want to be a
grownup anymore. I just wanted to be a boy again. My father picked me up in his strong arms and
barked orders for the tribe doctor to be fetched as he took
me from my mother. He carried me the two blocks to the
clinic.
Lycans healed faster than humans, but we didn't
have supernatural healing. If we were injured in wolf form,
we were still injured when we shifted back to human. We
had small magics, more natural than supernatural. But an
injury was still an injury and I received a dozen stitches
that night. The scar was a reminder of the folly of hubris. It was Gregori who later told me Alpha Rory and
another warrior carried the wounded bodies of Ushna and
Brian out of the forest that long ago night. Brian had been
hit with the first shot. He was killed instantly. We'd started
to run at the shot that wounded me. The third shot had
tumbled Ushna. As he got up to run, he'd realized Brian
wasn't with us and gone back to look for him.
Gregori told me the wailing from Brian's family
brought out the other tribe members who took volunteers to
conduct a hunt for the poacher who was on our lands. I was
sure it was impressive, but that wasn't what I remembered. What I remembered was Ushna in the hospital room
with me. Somber and silent, he stared at the ceiling, not
responding to his mother or father. I'd been crying for
myself and for the loss of my friend. Ushna laid there in
silent grief. Quiet, unmoving, and suffocating. The pain
rolling off of him was an almost tangible thing.
So I did what I normally did when one of us was
hurting. I climbed from my bed into his and curled around
him, lending what comfort he would take from me. Later
when I woke up, I found the boys had pushed the beds
together. They were piled around us, sniffling their tears
into the dark, cuddling with each other.
Ushna's mother stood in the shadows watching over
us, crying tears of joy because her boy got to come home.
Thinking back on it, I wondered if I'd been wrong. She'd
known Brian and Ushna were Twin Flames, Bashert. Was
it a combination of happiness and sorrow? Did she cry for
joy because she knew Ushna was alive and safe? Yet did
she still cry in sorrow knowing he was just a few short
years from claiming his Flame and now would be
sentenced to live his life alone?
I was relieved I had lost only one friend that night.
So many emotions flooded through me. I squashed the
silent horror at how different these last years would've
played out without Ushna. I had so much gratitude because I was certain I wouldn't be alive without him. Finally, I felt deep sorrow for my best friend. I understood what it meant to lose one's Flame. I could comprehend the pain he'd been
living with in silent acceptance.
When Ushna and I were released from the hospital,
the puppy pile automatically moved to Ushna's house. We
instinctively knew Ushna needed us and we were loath to
leave him for anything. He was stoic through all of it, never
crying, always quiet and reserved.
Tonight, as I held Ushna, he silently cried in the
dark. I drew him closer to me and whispered into his hair,
"I'll take care of you now."
I woke up sometime in the middle of the night
cuddled up to Ushna's wolf, who watched me with emerald
green eyes.