Twin Flames (6 page)

It was six o'clock. The last chores for the day were being finished. Ranch hands already done with the day's work were getting in their vehicles to go home. For those few who lived on the ranch, they were retiring to the bunk house.

I didn't really care what was going on. Ushna brushed down his favorite sorrel, Blue Bells, in the corral and I sat on the porch and watched. How long had it been since I'd really looked at him? He was thinner, maybe harder muscled than I remembered. His blue-black hair was longer than he normally kept it. Was it last month I'd teasingly told him I liked his hair longer? Had he quit cutting it because of something I'd said in passing?

He had more worry lines. His eyes were hollow and tired looking. You didn't get that from just one bad night's sleep. It could only be the result of several nights of tossing and turning. I'd always thought of Ushna as a beautiful man, but now the beauty was more rugged. I tilted my head a little as I watched Ushna lead Blue Bells to a stall.

When had the man acquired a cowboy's bow-legged stroll? My pants were suddenly a little too tight. I shifted on the porch steps, trying to discreetly adjust myself. I was ogling my best friend again. If I wasn't careful I was going to get caught with a stiffy. I might've laughed if I hadn't been wondering what it meant.

I startled so badly I almost fell off the step. Ushna grabbed my arm to steady me. I looked up and was captured by his emerald-colored eyes.

"Tristan?"
I blinked.
"Are you okay, man?"
"Ah… um…" What the hell. When had I lost the

ability to form a sentence?
"Let's get you inside."
Ushna helped me up and walked me into the house.

Ushna sat me in a kitchen chair. "What have you eaten today?"
"Same as you, I guess." See. I could speak. What was wrong with me?
"You haven't been eating enough." Ushna opened the fridge and ducked his head inside. My eyes zeroed in on his ass and my brain stalled.
"Tristan, hey man, look at me."
I blinked and I was looking into Ushna's green eyes. I'd always thought of them as emerald green but now really looking at them I realized I'd been wrong. There were yellow striations starting at the pupil and extending out to the edge of the forest green pupil. They were mesmerizing. I didn't think I'd ever seen anything like them.
"Tristan, you're freaking the hell outta me. I need you to focus for a second. Are you sick?"
"I'm okay," I whispered. I looked at Ushna's lips. I felt his hands on either side of my face and if I'd been a cat, I would've purred.
I closed my eyes and drew in a long breath which didn't help. All it did was fill my head with the woodsy smell that was Ushna. I was struggling not to react, to not blush. I sat up straighter, opened my eyes, and pulled his hands from my face.
"Really, I'm okay. Hungry, definitely tired, and still battered from the alley but overall, I'm fine."
Ushna looked at me like he was going to argue but then went back to the kitchen to finish making sandwiches. I didn't watch him this time.
I waited.
I waited to be embarrassed because I'd looked at my best friend's ass. I waited to be horrified that I was seriously thinking about kissing him. I waited for the panic that would drive me back to my room with monosyllable answers because I was reminded of before. I waited through two glasses of sweet tea. I waited as I ate the monster construction Ushna claimed was a sandwich. I waited as I washed the dishes and cleaned the kitchen.
None of it came. No panic, no horror, no embarrassment. Instead, I carefully moved around the kitchen, keeping my back to Ushna trying to hide the first real hard-on I'd had in years.

I went to bed in a sort of daze. Had Elder Koller's suggestion that Ushna thought of me as more than a friend caused what happened to me tonight? It would've been easy to let myself believe that, to place the blame on the suggestion so I didn't have to take responsibility for my actions. That way I could get up tomorrow and go on like my mind hadn't short circuited when I was ogling my best friend. It would've been the easiest thing to do, but it wouldn't have been true.

Besides, the elder had said Ushna was the one who wanted more from me than a platonic relationship, not the other way around. I knew it couldn't be true. Ushna had never let on he was attracted to me.

Okay, so I'd been distracted and not all there for a long time. Surely I would've noticed something like that. Weren't there supposed to be longing looks or something? Neesie, my little sister, would go on and on about the characters in her books who would tease and entice with looks, touches, and words. Sure, Ushna had been looking at me tonight. I didn't think it counted when he'd watched me eat because he was worried that I had spaced out more than once.

Ushna had always been, well, Ushna. His manner toward me was the same it had always been. So it wasn't he who'd changed, I was the one who'd changed.

Something about me was different. I wasn't sure if "changed" was even the right word. Maybe "woke up" would fit better. Back in the alley, when I'd thought there was a chance I could die, I'd realized I wanted to live. I'd been ghosting through life a long time, going through the motions. I'd been viewing the world from behind frosted glass and suddenly was faced with crystal clarity.

In a way, this was amazing, this feeling of not just living but of being alive. Long ago I'd resigned myself to less; to have less, enjoy less, be less. I'd been living life in shades of gray. Buying and working the ranch had put some color in my life, but nothing like the maelstrom of the last couple of days.

Then there was the power coiled within me. I rubbed my chest, where I could still feel it resting. Had it always been there? If so, why hadn't I felt it before? What caused it to wake up? Was it an ability, a gift that should've manifested at puberty? If it was, why hadn't it? Why had it surfaced now? If this was an ability, then I might not be crazy. The thought brought a small measure of relief amidst my frantic questioning.

The moonlight moved across the foot of my bed as the hours passed. I contemplated my reactions to Ushna over the past few hours. Did I still view him as only a friend? Could my response be attributed to finally waking up, and my reactions to Ushna a part of coming back to life? I didn't know and it bothered me. I felt like I was in limbo, as if there was a choice to be made and I was clueless as to what it was.

If I was being honest with myself, I'd acknowledge I was scared. Absolutely fucking terrified. I'd been living with a numbness where very little mattered. I'd merely existed. Actually living again brought a certain amount of risk. I could be hurt again. It was safer if I went back to that gray place because I didn't want to fall back into depression again, and I didn't know if I would have the strength to come back from it a second time.

Could I keep myself from getting hurt like that again? Could I keep better control of myself? Could I learn to deal differently with the pain that came from living a normal life? Well, I was going to find out because I didn't want to go back to how things had been before.

In the morning, Ushna made breakfast. He usually did. Not that I couldn't cook. At one time, I'd been a hell of a cook but I'd lost interest in it, along with everything else.

I stood in the doorway, watching him move around the kitchen. His blue-black hair was still wet from his shower and combed back neatly with little curls starting at the base of his neck. He was wearing a blue T-shirt that stretched across his wide shoulders. His jeans sat on his hips and cupped his ass just right, continuing down long, long legs ending in a pair of Tony Lamas. He was breathtaking.

I walked in and ran my hand down his back as I gently pushed him aside, "Let me finish. Why don't you set the table?"

I peered at him out of the corner of my eye as he regarded me for a moment with his sharp green eyes. I liked him looking at me. If I'd had more courage, I would've looked back. I felt like a teenager again, learning how to deal with emotions that fluttered like butterflies in my stomach. I flipped the bacon and started cracking eggs into a bowl for French toast, all the while watching him covertly. He moved away and started setting the table. I almost sighed in relief because I was starting to blush with his steady gaze on me.

I hadn't forgotten everything about cooking, or so I thought. If some of the bacon was too well done or the French toast too soft in the middle, he didn't say anything. The breakfast I made sucked but in a display of encouragement, he ate extra helpings.

When done, he got up to clean the table.
"I'll get that," I said taking the dirty dish from him. I poured him another cup of coffee so I wouldn't have to look him in the eye. I wasn't sure what I'd see there or what he'd see in mine. "I'll clean up before I start the morning chores."
I grabbed the rest of the plates and took them to the sink. Even though I'd told Ushna to go, he brought dirty platters and silverware to the sink for me. He watched me fill the sink with water.
"How did your report to the Council go?" he asked.
This I could handle. "They're concerned you'll go Lupe again. They'll be here in ninety days for a review. Elder Koller has some theories why it happened and why you were able to turn back, but I'm not so sure he's right."
"Are you worried?"
I looked up at him, noticing the apprehension in his eyes. "Worried you'll go Lupe again? No."
The tension left his shoulders. I could tell he wanted to say something. Normally he'd just come right out with it, but he seemed to be choosing his words carefully.
"Breakfast was good."
I couldn't help but laugh. "Liar," I teased and was unprepared for the serious look he gave me.
"You made breakfast. I haven't had anything that tasted that good in a long time." He reached up and touched my mouth. "Anything would taste good with that smile across the table."
Ushna grabbed his coffee and went out the back door.
I listened to the echo of the screen door slamming with a lump in my throat. My lips tingled where he'd touched me.

Over the next week, we fell into a new morning routine. My breakfast-making skills got better. I liked watching Ushna eat what I made for him, though it turned into a sort of torture for me. There was something sensual about the way his lips wrapped around the fork when he pulled it out of his mouth, the way he sipped his coffee.

One morning he caught me.
I was observing a syrup-covered piece of French toast enter his mouth and was waiting for him to pull the fork out when I realized he'd paused with the fork still in his mouth. I looked up into emerald eyes staring back at me. He watched me watch him. I blushed fiercely, but I couldn't look away. My jeans became tight and constricting. I shifted in my seat, trying to get comfortable without palming myself.
Slowly he pulled the fork out of his mouth and I was riveted. Immediately he took another slow bite, drawing out each movement. I wanted… I wanted… ah hell; I'm not sure what I wanted so I didn't move or look away until he'd finished eating. His eyes held mine until my skin felt taut and my pulse raced. I was paralyzed with indecision.
We'd only had casual contact since returning from Seattle. Now I wanted to touch him and to be touched in return. What would he think if I did that? Not that I'd ask him anytime soon. My eyes followed him as he scraped his chair back, got up, and walk out the back door with that lazy cowboy stroll. I still couldn't help watching. Was that good or bad? I sat at the table, wondering what I should do.
I was lusting after my best friend in a big way. Did I want Ushna or was he just someone with whom I was comfortable and felt safe with? I'd better figure it out before I accidentally ruined our friendship because my newly awakened libido was making the decisions for me.
All day, I observed the ranch hands work. I noticed who was better looking, who had great smiles, who had attractive shoulders. I swear all of them had fantastic asses but none of them affected me like Ushna's did. Entering the barn, I naturally sought him out first. I'd compared everyone to him and no one even came close.
As I checked out everyone else, I occasionally caught Ushna looking at me with a stormy expression. When our eyes met, he'd turn away and pretend to be busy with something else. I wasn't sure what to make of his behavior. I was sure he was wondering the same about mine.
Randy was in the ring putting a bronco through her paces when there was a commotion behind me. Ushna was in the tack room. I watched as he threw his horse blanket, saddle, and bridle out the door before he came stomping out and kicked the door shut. I couldn't remember the last time Ushna had had a fit of temper.
His movements were jerky and abrupt as he saddled Blue Bells who regarded him with a disinterested eye. I leaned against the corral fence and wondered who'd pissed him off. I kind of felt sorry for the poor bastard if Ushna was angry enough to confront the person.
Ushna didn't say anything. He rode Blue Bells to the pasture. I watched him go with longing and wondered when he'd be back.

I was glad I hadn't waited outside for him. It would've been a long wait. It was dusk when he rode into the yard and it was another half hour for him to brush down and feed Blue Bells before he came in.

I'd made dinner hours ago and had given up waiting on him to eat with me. I had a plate covered in foil for him in the oven. Quickly finishing up in the kitchen, I was drying my hands when he came stomping through the back door. I opened my mouth to tell him dinner was in the oven but didn't get a chance as he stormed through the kitchen without stopping. I followed silently in his wake but he slammed the bedroom door.

I was starting to get a complex. Had I done something to piss him off?
I briefly thought about knocking on his door and asking, but was unsure enough of his response to retreat to my room instead. I won't admit that I leaned against the wall that separated our rooms, trying to hear what he was doing. I wouldn't be that nosy.
It was Ushna and Ushna alone who caused my body to react. I'd found other men attractive but hadn't wanted to be touched by them. I realized there were several things I wanted from Ushna, and they were things I'd want from a lover, not a friend. I had no idea if Ushna returned my interest but I wouldn't know until I asked, right?
I hadn't had a lover in such a long time, I didn't know how to act. It'd been so natural before to bed Theo. I had always thought it was just a part of being his Flame that made the seduction come so effortlessly.
I was beginning to wonder if it had been easy because I knew I wouldn't be turned down, or because Theo was a slut. Ushna could reject me and where would that leave me? Should I leave it and try to go on as before? Or did I take a chance?
I couldn't ask him to be my lover if I couldn't offer him something more than friendship. He deserved more than that from me. I deserved more.
I pushed away from the wall, undressed, and climbed into the shower. What did I want from Ushna? Did I want a lover, a partner? Did I want to bond to him? I think my heart stopped at that thought. Lycans didn't always find their Twin Flame within their lifetime. We did have the ability to bond with another, though it was rarely done.
If we bonded to each other, would it mean that Ushna wouldn't find Brian when he returned to the Earth? Oh Goddess, I didn't want him to lose Brian. I wouldn't be the person who made him loose his Bashert. I loved Ushna too much to cause him that kind of pain.
I stood under the shower spray and stared off into space until it turned cold. Teeth chattering, I turned off the water and continued to stand in the bath staring at the tile as I considered.
I loved him.
I climbed out of the enclosure, towel limp in my hand. I stood there long enough that I air dried. Rubbing the condensation off the mirror, I looked at myself. My brown hair was sun streaked and in need of a cut. My chest was a shocking white when compared to my face, neck, and arms. A dusting of hair covered my pecs, pointing in a triangle that ended at the valley between the ridges of my stomach muscles only to pick up again below my naval, leading down to my groin.
My right shoulder was scarred from Theo's mating mark. Muscle and tissue had been removed, leaving an unnatural hollow. Normally I didn't look at it. I never went without a shirt because it was a reminder I hadn't been enough. The disfigurement was a badge of humiliation that mocked me on a daily basis.
I didn't feel the familiar revulsion when I looked at it now. It looked like any other scar.
My muscles were more pronounced than they'd ever been. I had a working man's body and I allowed myself a moment to be impressed with what I saw. I had a strong chest and a defined stomach. The bullet wound from my youth was a faded scar on my left flank. There was only a slight yellowing along my rib cage where I'd been bruised in the fight with Stoiler. There was another faded scar on my hip from our very first hunt for the Council. Ushna stitched me up that time. I thought he was going to tell me we weren't going on another hunt because of it. I'd been a tad reckless back then. I hadn't cared if I lived or died. Ushna had cared. He'd cared and he'd made sure it didn't happen again by always going in ahead of me.
What I wanted to know, needed to know, and was how Ushna saw me. I could think about being lovers with Ushna all I wanted. It wouldn't be worth a hill of beans if he didn't desire me in return.
I'd been wondering all afternoon if Ushna's temper was jealousy. He'd flirted with me that morning. I had to smile at that. It was flirting but he had run afterward, or so I told myself. What if he'd caught me watching the other men? I could only hope it was jealousy because it meant maybe he wanted more too.
I was willing to test the theory, but I'd have to release all my fears in order to do so. I smiled at myself in the mirror. The predator in me looked out from my eyes.
I would need some help.