Twist of Fate (13 page)

“Sounds good,” I say, and get in my car to head home. I hope he gives me enough time to straighten up my house, and more importantly, myself.

Chapter 18

Silas

I tried to drop off Owen and Ava as quickly as possible so I can get back to Lilly’s. Ava told Lucas that I was a daddy, so naturally suspicions arose and there were questions being asked left and right. You could tell Lucas was as every bit shocked as I was. Kim was excited that I had a son, saying she never thought it would happen. Whatever that means. After promising them I would come over during the week to explain everything, I finally made it out of their house.

Pulling up to Lilly’s, I sit in my car and stare at her house. The curtains are drawn back and I can see her chasing after Ezra in the living room. I feel like an outsider looking in on a life that I suddenly and desperately want to be a part of. And that scares the shit out of me. I feel like it was just yesterday I was telling Lucas I wasn’t ready for kids yet. They look incredibly happy and I want to share that with them. She catches him and picks him up, swinging him around in a circle. She notices me sitting in my car and says something to Ezra. Next thing I know, the front door swings open and a very energetic boy comes running down the driveway. My fears instantly disappear and are replaced with the same ball of excitement headed my way. Just getting my other leg out the car in time, Ezra shuts the car door and is pulling my hand leading me into his home.

“Hi, Daddy! Mommy said you’re going to give me a bath. We’re going to have so much fun, let’s go!” He’s pulling on my arms like I’m not moving fast enough for him.

“Ezra, give your father a chance to get settled, please. He just walked through the door, maybe he would like to sit for a minute,” Lilly tells him, closing the door behind us. The tone in Lilly’s voice is soft and caring and when she looks at him, her eyes light up like he is her world. I’ve always imagined seeing that look after we parted way, wanting it meant for me. And suddenly I find myself jealous of a two-year-old boy who is receiving the love I dreamed about for three years.

“Mommy, you’re silly, he was just sitting in his car.” I try to hide my amusement but fail as a laugh escapes me. Lilly looks at me and I shrug my shoulders, he does have a point after all.

“Hey, bud,” leaning down to be level with him, “Why don’t you give me a tour and then we can get you in the bath once I know where it is.”

“This way, Daddy, I’ll show you.”

“Well I guess the tour will have to wait.” Lilly’s eyes are scanning the room while she taps her finger against her leg. She looks a little nervous, making me feel bad.

“Are you okay?” I don’t want her to feel uncomfortable in her own home, and if she wasn’t ready for this, I don’t think she would have suggested it.

“Yeah, I’m just worried that this is all a bit too much too soon and you’re going to run for the hills. Raising a child is a lot of work, Silas. Trust me, I’ve done it by myself for the past two and a half years.” She’s looking down as she’s fiddling nervously with her shirt.

“Hey,” I say, placing my finger under her chin, lifting her head up. “I’m not going to try and pretend to know how much work it is. But, if I didn’t want this, I wouldn’t be here. I wouldn’t dare put Ezra through the ringer. He is my son and I
want
to be his father.” I can see relief wash over her face so I remove my finger from under her jaw. “Now, let’s go give
our
son a bath.”

As the water fills the tub, Ezra is showing me all his bath toys. They consist mostly of cars and trains. I can tell by the enthusiasm which toys are definitely his favorites. I make a mental note to pick some up so that when I see him again, he will have something from his father.

“Okay kiddo, clothes off,” Ezra holds his arms up as Lilly takes his shirt off. “Pants down,” he steps out of his pants. “Diaper check,” she peeks in the back of his diaper. This is clearly a routine with them, and I’m a bit confused at the last part.

“Diaper check?”

“Oh never skip the diaper check. Just because you may not smell poop doesn’t mean it’s not in there.” I look at her and I can’t even imagine what my face looks like because Lilly is laughing at me.

“It’s not as bad as it sounds. It’s just easier to check, so when you take his diaper off you don’t have poop flying on the floor.” She’s now grinning at me as I squirm at the thought of poop all over. “Okay kiddo, get in.”

Lilly and I play with Ezra and his toys for a while in the bath as she tells me about the routine they have. I learn that bath time is always at seven and he stays in for forty-five minutes. After bath time, he gets a story read to him and he goes straight to bed. I ask if there are any more routines that they have, so I don’t mess things up. She assures me that she will go over all of them. She tells me to enjoy giving my son a bath for the first time and that it was less traumatic than hers.

After the bath, we lotion Ezra up and put his pajamas on. He begs Lilly to let me read him a bedtime story and she looks a little hurt by it. Not wanting her to feel like she’s being replaced, I ask him if it’s okay if we both read it to him. He agrees and we read him Green Eggs and Ham. He ends up falling asleep before we even finish. Lilly leans in and gives him a kiss. I follow her lead and give him a kiss in the same spot as she did. I then close my eyes as I lock this memory in my mind forever.

“I have to say, you did a great job tonight,” Lilly praises me as she sits on the couch.

“I’m not going to lie, I was nervous as shit.” I take the seat next to her.

“Really? Well it didn’t show. Would you like something to drink?”

“Sure, I’ll have whatever you’re having.”

“Okay, I’ll be right back then you can ask me whatever you want,” she says as she gets up and leaves for the kitchen. I have so many questions swarming around my head, I don’t even know which one to start with. I stand up and look at all the photos in the living room. Looking around, I see there is so much I’ve already missed with our son. I try to make out what age he could be in each image, but I have no clue. I’m looking at his baptism picture when Lilly comes back holding two martinis. I raise an eyebrow at her and eye the drink.

“What? You said you wanted whatever I was having.” She pushes the glass toward my hand.

“That I did.” Not wanting to be rude, I drink the martini she made for me. “This is by far the best martini I have ever had,” I compliment her.

“Thanks, they’re kind of my specialty. Catholic, I hope you don’t mind.” Did she name her martini Catholic? I’m a little confused right now.

“I’m sorry?”

Pointing to the baptism picture she clarifies, “I baptized him in a Catholic church. My family is Catholic and so we had him baptized Catholic.”

“Oh, not at all, come on let’s sit.” I lead us back to the couch. “You say your family’s Catholic, does Ezra have any cousins?” I waste no time jumping right into what I want to know.

“No, my sister tried having a family and it just didn’t pan out for them. Both my parents are alive and well, so he has them. Although, now he has cousins since your sister has kids.”

“Were you ever going to tell me? I’ve been back in your life now for over two weeks and you haven’t said one word to me about a son. Did you plan on keeping him a secret?” My voice is raw and I hate how vulnerable I sound as I ask that question. But bottom line is, if we never reconnected I would have never known I had a son out there.

“No, I know I should have told you right away. I wanted to. However, I had to make sure you would be around for the long haul. I was going to tell you this weekend. Instead, I ran into you before I could.” Guilt is written all over her face and she shifts uncomfortably in her seat before her body slouches. I can tell she feels bad about it, but what if she didn’t feel like I was in it for the long haul? Would she have eventually just disappeared out of my life so I wouldn’t have a chance to meet Ezra? Anger is starting to build at the thought of that and we’ve already fought enough today, so I choose to move on.

“How was your pregnancy? I saw that picture over there. I’m not sure how far along you were, but you could definitely tell you were glowing.” Her cheeks blush pink at my compliment.

“Thank you, that picture was taken two days before Ezra was born.”

“Really? You look so tiny.” I instantly regret saying that, hoping I didn’t offend her. “Not that you’re fat or anything, I’m just saying, what I meant by it was--”

“It’s okay, I know what you meant by it,” Lilly’s laughing at my poor attempt to redeem myself. “They say you get bigger much faster with your second one. For the most part, I had a good pregnancy. No morning sickness, just a little back pain here and there.” I hate the question I want to ask next but I need to know the answer or else it will always be there in the back of my mind bothering me.

“Were you alone?”

“No, I had my family there and Megan was there, too. I had to be induced because he was being stubborn and didn’t want to come on his own. I went in at seven a.m. and had him by ten p.m.” Hearing her say she wasn’t alone is a huge relief. I know our situation was impossible and I couldn’t be there, I’m just glad she wasn’t alone. “As for the newborn phase, he was such a good baby. He hardly ever fussed and was a great sleeper. When he wasn’t sleeping he was smiling. I keep a baby album and in there is the first year of his life. If you’d like, I can show you when we’re done talking.”

“I’d love that, thank you. You said you tried to find me, how did you go about that?”

Lilly sighs, but answers anyway. “I looked on all the social media websites and I even went on the dating websites.” She brings her knees up on the couch, getting more comfortable. “I was also Google searching your first name and Army to see if I could find any articles but always came up with zero hits. It was like trying to find a needle in a haystack, and I eventually gave up searching. I’m sorry,” she says as she finishes up her martini.

“There is no need to apologize. I know it’s none of my business what you do or used to do in your personal life, but have you been with anyone in the past that stood in my place? You know, someone who was a father figure for Ezra?” Rubbing the back of my neck, I never thought saying those words out loud could hurt so much, but they do. The thought of someone else raising my son doesn’t sit well with me.

“Do you mind if I get us another drink?” Shaking my head no, following her to the kitchen. “There have been guys that I’ve gone on a couple dates with, but none of them were worth introducing my son to. I always knew that I didn’t want men coming and going in his life. And, that if I were to introduce someone to him, he would have to be around for the long haul, like marriage long haul. Eventually I just gave up dating. It wasn’t worth the time I was missing out on with him. Between work and writing, all my spare time was devoted to Ezra.” She hesitated on the word marriage, flipping her eyes up to mine to see how I would react to the idea. I do swallow hard but the idea doesn’t freak me out. We have amazing chemistry.

We head back to the living room and drink a little more while we continue our discussion. I ask her what Ezra’s favorite things are. From toys, food, and cartoons and also what he dislikes as well. I learn he has a lot of friends that he likes to play with and he loves being outdoors. Lilly tells me about how daring and fearless he is and how it scares the shit out of her at times. Getting up, she walks over to the bookshelf and grabs a photo album before sitting in her previous spot. I slide over closer to her and as soon as our legs touch, I feel hers twitch at the brush of contact. My lips draw back as a grin appears on my face. As she’s opening the book, I can see goosebumps up and down her arm, she never takes her eyes off the book. The way her body reacts to mine with a simple brush is fucking hot and makes me feel like it belongs to me. She walks me through each moment of Ezra’s life caught in each picture. Watching Lilly light up as she talks about our son fills my insides with a longing I’ve never felt before. One for a family, and more specifically, a family with her and our son.

By the time the night is winding down, we both have had too much to drink and Lilly and I are watching television. She asks if I mind if she lays her head on my lap and I pull her down gently, giving her the okay. For a brief moment my mind wanders to Kristin and how she used to do this with me all the time. I really do feel like an asshole on how she just got the shit end of this entire situation. I feel like an even bigger asshole since I’m not really torn up about it right now. I just have so much on my plate that my mind won’t shut off long enough to let the fact that she dumped me sink in. Not wanting to dwell on it any longer, I start to stroke Lilly’s hair and it’s not long before she falls asleep on me. I feel like a total creeper as I sit here and watch her sleep, but I can honestly say I have never seen a more beautiful sight. She may only be five foot, but the way her clothes hug her hourglass figure makes it nearly impossible to resist touching her body. Her high cheekbones make her smile look bigger and brighter, and even while she’s sleeping, a small smile crosses her face. When the light touches her long brown hair, it makes it glow. I am amazed by this woman and everything she has done and sacrificed for our son in the past couple of years. Hearing everything she has done to make sure he has a good life only confirms what I’ve already known since that day in the airport. I love this woman and I’m never going to let her go again. She’s ruined me and no one will, or ever can, replace her and I need to make her mine.

I lift her off the couch to carry her to her room as if we do this all the time. She snuggles her head into my neck, fitting perfectly, making all the chaos from today fade away, and exchanging it for a peaceful bliss. I’m not sure which one it is, but I do know which room is Ezra’s, so that helps. I get lucky and find her bedroom on the first try and place her down on her bed. As I’m sliding my arms out from under her, she grabs a hold of my hand and mumbles something. Not quite sure what she says, I tuck her in. As much as I want to be tucked under the covers with her, I know it’ll have to wait. I don’t want to confuse Ezra by staying the night and complicate things for Lilly.