Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less (2 page)

michael_bay

Why is fertility still the default setting?

Remiel

C’mon conservatives, support your commander in chief! After all, we’re fighting two wars. Three if you count the war on Christmas.

bonedaddyking

Worst-case scenario, Roomba edition: dog poo on the floor. ’Nuf said.:-(

motomike

You can’t really appreciate the vapidity of most people’s taste in music until you live directly above a traffic signal.

sacca

Sangria is like naughty Kool-Aid.

photomatt

Please tell your grandfather to stop sending me Evites to parties in his pants.

Hackney

Swallowed a fly earlier. I know I can get it out. If only I could remember what comes after goat.

eyeteegee

That Pixar does a great race-against-time.

Jordan_Morris

Having a tribal tattoo is like having a wallet chain that you are never, ever allowed to take off.

bluelanugo

You know what this guitar needs? Lessons.

Tony_D

The bulimic next door kept me awake all night, again. Have asked her to keep it down, but it doesn’t seem to help.

nostrich

I’ll tell you what. There be mad sisters up in here causing a brother to stumble. Dear Lord.

twoname

Just had my eyes examined. Doctor says my next prescription will be a dog.

thestoryofb

Family will be here in two hours. There are not nearly enough spaces to hide things in this apartment. It’s like I’m playing Shame Tetris.

zolora

A banana is a troubling thing. Because after—and ONLY after—you take a bite, it looks like a cat’s ass.

disrupsean

Just chillin in the car waiting for my girlfriend but this fucking crossing guard will NOT STOP STARING AT ME!!!

fake_vincent_gallo

My God, how long are we going to have to wait for Billy Joel to write a catchy tune about the financial crisis bringing us closer together?

texburgher

Just decided I’m naming my first child “Carry-on Item” if it’s a boy or “Ole Man Johnson” if it’s a girl.

happyjoel

Pro tip: When you pull numbers out of your ass, try to avoid the sharp ones like 2, 3, 4, 5 & 7.

MODAT

Fact: Every time Barbara Walters makes someone cry with her first question, she gets an extra life.

gordonshumway

I accommm, I acc…I dood it.

ckwinny

Mr. Zoom tells me it is about time for us to go out to a nice restaurant again. We are almost out of matches for the bathrooms.

ivegotzooms

Thanks for heightening my understanding of the Arab-Israeli conflict with your inappropriately serious status updates.

someecards

Good things come on those who wait.

meaghano

NAIL POLISH DOES NOT HEAL CIGARETTE BURNS

CallMeBez

Sign on empty curbside baby crib said $10, but I swapped it for my sign that said: “FREE BABY”

McBonerPants

Things were going beautifully until he professed his undying non-ironic love for Ronald Reagan. Nothing trickled down tonight, I assure you.

fistsoffolly

I keep a record of EVERYTHING coworkers tell me. If I had a nickel for every time they told me to stop doing this, I’d have exactly $12.45.

rafitorres

A look at their remaining schedule, along with a more aggressive offense, makes me think the Somali Pirates are going to make the playoffs.

F6x

This week is so slow whoever plays it in a movie will win an Oscar.

badbanana

Once I start tooting the empty beer bottles, it’s like, TOOT TOOT, HERE COMES THE PARTY BARGE! And then I look around and I’m alone and sad.

bcompton

For all its problems, the US is making progress. After 50 years, the message is finally changing from “Buckle up” to “Don’t drive drunk.”

whlteXbread

Our New York friend drives like a bad cabbie, but I can’t punish him with a shitty tip.

jeffxl

I defy you to share something more humiliating than riding a recumbent bicycle in your own bedroom.

frageelay

I ain’t no holla back tenor.

omgneil

1) Get ice cream. 2) Dribble on table. 3) Reach across table for napkin with which to clean it up. 4) Hey, where’d it go? 5) Dammit, boob!

vmarinelli

It’s official, this economy sucks. I asked, “Can I get a what-what?” and the bank said no.

kellydeal

Saw a headline about a local teacher arrested for sex with a student. I know I should be outraged, but my first thought was, “Job opening!”

superfantastic

Oh my god, I’m a townie.

shebs

Went into Babies R Us for a gift and the salesgirl congratulated me. Bitch. Oh, and I should probably rethink this outfit.

jamield

THE LORD YOUR GOD REQUESTS AN IPHONE APP THAT GETS YOU TO SHUT UP

thelordyourgod

Dr. Drew just identified the male G-spot. It stretches from the belly button to the knees and can be stimulated by throwing a shovel at it.

erikprice

Survivorman just called, he said everyone tweeting about how cold it is can suck it. Then he made warming KY out of fish guts. Gross!

mojomaywood

Why does a 4-yr-old need a dental checkup? Aren’t those teeth, like, disposable? This is like putting plastic cutlery in the dishwasher.

adamisacson

I have no intellectual equal. But I will catch up with you all eventually.

rstevens

When they both laughed at their teacher’s pronunciation of platypus they thought of love. I so hate animals, he said. She touched his hand.

arjunbasu

Dating question: Should “I make my own clothes” be an upgrade or a downgrade?

fimoculous

I really wish customs agents would stop trying to punk me.

aplusk

Always trust a coyote on where to order inexpensive contraptions. Never trust a coyote on physics.

smartasshat

My ennui is at an all-time whatever.

idvssuperego

The hotel cleaning girl just knocked on the door and came in to clean. Then said “sorry” and…just…left. Those porn movies LIED TO ME.

vhata

I cut a chunk out of my thumb at work today. HALF-DAY, BOOYAH!

beautiescandie

Just spent the better part of a 60 min. meeting trying to think of ways to derail said meeting so I have no idea what happened. I still win.

jagosaurus

Now that I own a tarot deck, sleight of hand would really come in handy.

bethylefty

One day, will our children turn to us and ask, “Mommy and Daddy, why was all of your hip-hop performed by braggy robots?”

marklisanti

I don’t believe in holidays that Google doesn’t change its logo for.

bengold

Candyland tastes like cardboard.

Juniorwad

I saw a guy dressed as Superman in Grand Central. I thought I recognized him but he wouldn’t put on his glasses so I couldn’t be sure.

trelvix

Is that guacamole on your pants, or are you just hap…That’s just gross.

MamitaMojita

I like to imagine unlikely movies with Philip Glass scores. Did you know that Armageddon is a brooding and intense meditation on mortality?

phyllisstein

Walking into the 5-yr-old’s bedroom and saying, “Looks like a princess *exploded* in here!” does NOT go over well with the 5-yr-old.

zuhl

I wonder how much that deficit clock cost.

susie_c

Like in “WALL•E,” my first date with my wife was at a dump, then into my roach-infested apartment, where I touched her as she was passed out.

awryone

Yoplait commercials: “This is like, approximation of my sense of womanhood by an advertising agency good.”

highfiredanger

I wish I had an evil twin. Take that back, I wish I were the evil twin.

lydee

“Existentialism is a preoccupation with fear, death, and failure.” I do that enough already without doing it professionally.

5dots

Both my son and my fridge have leaked onto the floor tonight. Hopefully the dishwasher isn’t fazed by peer pressure.

inkedmn

Have you seen Putin with his shirt off? That is going to be a HOT war.

mulegirl

Thanks to peripheral vision and the breakfast food aisle, I thought for a moment that Post came out with a new cereal called “Just Bitches.”

adtothebone

I feel like a mushroom. Kept in the dark and fed nothing but shit.

raymitheminx

I was hoping for a little more enthusiasm from this passion fruit.

sniffyjenkins

Oh, I get it, this is music that isn’t to the rhythm of sexual intercourse!

Choire

I hate Freudian tits. I mean, slips.

knockout071

Sometimes there’s not much difference between “manly man” and “dumbly dumb.”

rongillmore

Directions on microwave meal: “Take precautions, as gravy may bubble over.” Precautions? Like building a dam?

pigstubs

I’ll never get a desk job. You know, when your partner stimulates you with a desk? Yuck.

Jordan_Morris

Somebody picked my dwarf friend’s pocket last night. I mean, seriously, who would stoop so low?

livejamie

The bad news is we had to let go of about 8,000 clone troopers today. The good news is it really only counts as 1.

darthvader

Why do Christian holidays involve home invaders? Santa, Easter Bunny…Jews get it. Like Passover, the get-the-fuck-outta-my-house holiday.

joesmithreally

I guess the folks down the street don’t realize that the pointy-headed ghosts in their yard look like another less savory kind of group.

nothlit

I don’t mean to sound bitter or like a hater but OMFG the general public sucks so bad.

megpearlz

Hamsters are great. You don’t have to feed them or give them water, then in 3 days they die and you can just get a new one, if you want.

jakeandamir

I absolutely live for small dried fruits. They’re my raisin d’être.

drewm

Well, that’s 4 movies down; the most violent one, too, unless there’s something I don’t know about the 40th anniversary DVD of Mary Poppins.

jzeitler

Accidentally bought scented tampons. The experience of coochie mixed w/cheap perfume is exactly what I imagine Mariah Carey to smell like.

peeppeep

For today’s audition I attempted to be both big and subtle. In a word, bigtle.

JamesUrbaniak

Right now I look like the million bucks you invested in the stock market.

igotyourcrazy

The guy who invented those small touch screens on planes will experience hell as being poked in the back of the head repeatedly by pixies.

zefrank