Twitter Wit: Brilliance in 140 Characters Or Less (7 page)

rustyrockets

Who would win in a fight between dinosaurs and Transformers? I know what you’re going to say, but not all Transformers turn into a dinosaur.

bnlandry

My new excuse for leaving the bar early on a Saturday night: I gotta preach tomorrow.

jimray

As much as I love Sondre Lerche, watching him try to rock out reminds me of my little cousin playing w/ my Fisher-Price guitar.

Aubs

There is a certain amount of information you can gather about a country by how straight their legs are when they march.

saidme

Not sure what’s more amazing: the fact that the geese are all so horny, or that they can read my bumper sticker in the first place.

smilinbjones

You know, most of the Harry Potter book plots would be over in 3 chapters if they had a decent search engine.

kevinmarks

For a guy wearing a “Silence is Golden, Duct Tape is Silver” tee, you sure don’t ever seem to shut UP.

hotheadred

Got small shelf at work with prewritten answers to common questions I get. Now, I can just say, “Let me pull an answer out of my Ask Rack!”

EffingBoring

Eating an entire frittata. Note: Devise method for making half a frittata.

Adrianchen

If you obsessively brush and re-brush your teeth like I do, raise your hand! Now raise your other hand to keep things even!

emilybrianna

Amnesty International sent an e-mail with the subject “Duncan Sheik’s coming to your hometown!” Funny, I thought they were against torture.

alexlitel

Saw “Slumdog Millionaire.” Number of families who left after the first 30 minutes: 1. Number of kids who may be scarred for life: 2.

jschoenwald

PSA: “Instant coffee” isn’t either.

johntunger

Recession Update: I’m down to one burrito per paycheck. I have neither the energy nor the pico de gallo to joke about this.

essdogg

How can I construct an outfit that is equal parts “bend me over” and “I think we would have an incredible relationship if you stuck around”?

kades

I don’t trust the Easter Bunny. I think he’s been hiding something from me.

mrraygun

Local SimCity player has no fucking clue what that adviser is talking about, new report shows.

dbecher

Call it luck or stupidity, but every time I play the dispenser game in the gas station restroom I win a flavored balloon.

thedayhascome

Well, the good news is that now I know what poison ivy looks like.

robot_operator

CODEPENDENTS OF THE WORLD, UNITE!! Now promise me you’ll never leave…

adangerlove

I wonder what it’s like for a rock ’n’ roll saxophonist before work. Knowing you’re going to go in there and just ruin everything.

johnmoe

The thing about taking a day off when you are a stay-at-home mom is that then people call it neglect. Except, of course, in France.

LidMo

The way McCain talks about earmarks reminds me of when my grandfather gets cranky when his salad doesn’t have enough tomatoes.

jomc

Sometimes I stub a SnackWell’s out on my arm just to feel less alive.

highindustrial

Swedish is infinitely less spooky when translated into English.

sashafrerejones

Got to therapy early today only to catch her with another patient. “You’re doing this just to spite me!” She booked me through 2009.

Mike_FTW

It’s nice that they’re loaning me a lead vest to protect me from the X-ray machine at the dentist, but the gun pointed at my face.

ev

My boss’s dog has been barking for 2 hours straight. I think she’s saying, “Something something Timmy something hurt.” I don’t speak dog well.

brienis

So I have this friend, right? She’s exclusively into guys with well-defined buttocks. So she only makes passes at chaps that aren’t assless.

strutting

I like to think that all the heavy sighs at work are just people letting the enthusiasm out.

gknauss

Even with a cup full of change, the hobo wouldn’t front me $.50 to add vanilla to my latte. Hope the bastard has fun finding his cart.

buttahface

I love spending time with my 6 nieces and nephews. One at a time. Because all of them at once is enough to make me want to torch my uterus.

essentially_me

Watching American Music Awards. I am too old for the Jonas Brothers. I am too old for the Jonas Brothers…Maybe not that middle one.

rachelsklar

Sometimes it’s like my wife and I aren’t even related.

Samhey

Some days you get the bear. And some days you conspire with the bear to fake your own death and move to the beach.

swimparallel

This guy has such a narrow soul patch I thought he had a run-in with a black Sharpie.

ChiNurse

A friend was just diagnosed with Bob Hoskins disease. It causes crippling obscurity. I barely know who she is anymore.

dickchiclets

Everyone always says how sweet babies are, but it’s a little known fact that babies also stay crunchy in milk.

FanEffingTastic

Well, yeah, the traditional calendar says it’s the 8th, but if we’re going by my chocolate Advent calendar, it’s totally the 22nd already.

gretchasketch

People who live in Los Angeles spend about 1/3 of their day looking for parking. Fortunately the rest of the time we’re kissing celebrities.

Just_Alison

The most pessimistic sentence possible: “Rainbows are shaped like frowns.”

dangurewitch

I just learned that the moon was in the 7th house last week, AND Jupiter just aligned with Mars. Now where the heck did I put my freak flag?

LeoLaporte

I wish a radio station would play “I Got You Babe” on repeat every Groundhog Day just to fuck with people.

magnetbox

It’s ALF you want to spend a night on the town with, but it’s E.T. you want to go home to.

kapto

You know you’re in a dry spell when your encounter with a turnstile nearly has a happy ending.

ronbailey

He said, “Over my dead body!” and I guess I see now that it wasn’t polite to ask if I could pencil that in.

msteciuk

The tomato is the tranny of fruit.

MelodyMcC

Slept terribly last night. Do they have a pill for Restless Vagina Syndrome?

sokeri

Yes, I call that dancing. I have rhythm. I have LOTS of rhythm. I was just using it all at once.

yowhatsthehaps

Wine has calories? What the fuck?

fourformom

If I lived every day like it was my last, I’d probably just have a lot of parking tickets.

torrez

The planning stage is my very favorite stage. It’s so pleasantly distant from the failing stage.

Maggie

It’s-13F out and your midriff-baring coat ensemble makes you look like a whore. Got any plans for the weekend?

whlteXbread

I would never want to be able to read people’s minds. Imagine all the Mariah Carey songs I’d have to wade through to get their ATM PINs.

timdawks

Do you think the Man with the Yellow Hat mentions George on his Internet dating profile?

maritzav

I don’t want to be abducted by the Greys anymore if they’re not going to buy new magazines for the anal probe lab’s waiting room.

stevehuff

Maybe if I look like I’m going to shoplift, I can get help in the Electronics section at Target.

practicalwitch

For all the things I’ve achieved, I can’t shake the notion that my life has mostly been spent converting breakfast cereal into body hair.

phylhrmnix

It must have been great to grow up on Hoth. “School’s closed again today, kids.”

mogrify

To do list for the day: hate self, love self, hate self, love self. Lunch. Hate self.

michaelianblack

Success means being the last one connected to the conference call.

AaronKaro

I’m going to start referring to babies as “crypods.”

nerdist

Contrary to popular belief, you don’t lose any energy, stamina, or potency when you hit 40. It just all gets channeled into your nose hair.

Weirdsmobile

The 250lb girl wearing Danskins in my spinning class has officially graduated from cameltoe to mooseknuckle.

primalpurge

What my proctologist doesn’t know yet won’t hurt him. Might surprise him, though. Teehee!

rolandfox

I stood there wondering, “Why is that Frisbee getting bigger?” Then it hit me.

Notactuallyme

For Mardi Gras this year, I’m giving up beads.

favecock

I don’t think it matters what your beliefs are, but praying about your laptop choice is a little much. God doesn’t care which Mac you get.

ECByrd

Toddlers come up with the cutest names for things. “Schindler’s List” is the Choo-Choo Movie.

Balut

Analyze a friend’s relationship just by looking at pics on Facebook. You can see the precise moment his new GF says, “Fuck it, I’m eating.”

indefensible

How to give a great handjob. Step 1: Use your mouth.

myracles

I really enjoyed my youth. I don’t know why I told him to go home to his mom.

blondediva11

Teach a man that you can’t be trusted to use a fishhook and you’ll effectively have taught him to fish for you for life.

Shakin_Atoms

I never tire of songs that explain the differences between women of different geographic regions in sexual terms. They’re educational.

thejoelstein

It would really suck to be the guy who discovers Live Strong bracelets cause cancer.

nictate

The editor would like to thank the hundreds of Twitter users who contributed to this book; Biz Stone and his wonderful colleagues at Twitter; the fantastic agent Luke Janklow; and the talented people at It Books, including editor Kate Hamill, interior designer Ashley Halsey, cover designer Milan Bozic, and publicist Vanessa Schneider. Special thanks also to Rachel Fershleiser for her help and advice, and to Jay Hathaway and Cole Stryker for answering, over and over, the same question: “Is this funny?” Thanks to all of you, it finally is.

Have you written something witty on Twitter? Submit it to Twitter Wit at TwitterWit.net.

Cover design and illustration by Greg Grabowy