Twittering from the Circus of the Dead

Twittering from

the Circus of the Dead

A Story

J
oe
H
ill

Contents

Twittering from the Circus of the Dead

What is Twitter?

“Twitter is a service for friends, family, and co-workers to communicate and stay connected through the exchange of quick, frequent answers to one simple question: What are you doing? . . . Answers must be under 140 characters in length and can be sent via mobile texting, instant message, or the Web.”

—from twitter.com

TYME2WASTE
I'm only trying this because I'm so bored I wish I was dead. Hi Twitter. Want to know what I'm doing? Screaming inside.

8:17 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
My, didn't that sound melodramatic.

8:19 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Lets try this again. Hello Twitterverse. I am Blake and Blake is me. What am I doing? Counting seconds.

8:23 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Only about 50,000 more until we pack up and finish what is hopefully the last family trip of my life.

8:25 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
It's been all downhill since we got to Colorado. And I don't mean on my snowboard.

8:27 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
We were supposed to spend the break boarding and skiing but it's too cold and won't stop snowing so we had to go to plan B.

8:29 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Plan B is Mom and I face off in a contest to see who can make the other cry hot tears of rage and hate first.

8:33 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I'm winning. All I have to do to make Mom leave the room at this point is walk into it. Wait, I'm walking into the room where she is now . . .

8:35 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
She's such a mean bitch.

10:11 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
@caseinSD, @bevsez, @harmlesspervo yay my real friends! I miss San Diego. Home soon.

10:41 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
@caseinSD Hell no I'm not afraid Mom is going to read any of this. She's never going to know about it.

10:46 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
After she made me take down my blog, it's not like I'm ever going to tell her.

10:48 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
You know what bitchy thing she said to me a couple hours ago? She said the reason I don't like Colorado is because I can't blog about it.

10:53 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
She's always saying the Net is more real for me and my friends than the world. For us nothing really happens till someone blogs about it.

10:55 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Or writes about it on their Facebook page. Or at least sends an instant message about it. She says the internet is “life validation.”

10:55 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Oh and we don't go online because it's fun. She has this attitude that people socially network 'cause they're scared to die. It's deep.

10:58 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
She sez no one ever blogs their own death. No one instant-messages about it. No one's Facebook status ever says “dead.”

10:59 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
So for online people, death doesn't happen. People go online to hide from death and wind up hiding from life. Words right from her lips.

11:01 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Shit like that, she ought to write fortune cookies for a living. You see why I want to strangle her. With an ethernet cable.

11:02 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Little bro asked if I could blog about him having sex with a certain goth girl from school to make it real, but no one laughed.

11:06 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I told Mom, no, the reason I hate Colorado is 'cause I'm stuck with her and it's all waaaaay too real.

11:09 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
And she said that was progress and got this smug bitch look on her face and then Dad threw down his book & left the room.

11:11 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I feel worst for him. A few more months and I'm gone forever, but he's stuck with her for life and all her anger and the rest of it.

11:13 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I'm sure he wishes he just got us plane tickets now. Suddenly our van is looking like the setting for a cage-match duel to the death.

11:15 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
All of us jammed in together for 3 days. Who will emerge alive? Place your bets, ladies and germs. Personally I predict no survivors.

11:19 PM – 28 Feb from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Arrr. Fuck. Shit. It was dark when I went to bed and it is dark now and Dad says it's time to leave. This is so terribly wrong.

6:21 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
We're going. Mom gave the condo a careful search to make sure nothing got left behind, which is how she found me.

7:01 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Damn, knew I needed a better hiding place.

7:02 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Dad just said the whole trip ought to take between 35 and 40 hours. I offer this as conclusive proof there is no God.

7:11 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Tweeting just to piss Mom off. She knows if I'm typing something on my phone, I'm obviously engaged in sin.

7:23 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I'm expressing myself and staying in touch with my friends, and she hates it. Whereas if I was knitting and unpopular . . .

7:25 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
. . . then I'd be just like her when she was 17. And I'd also marry the first guy who came along and get knocked up by 19.

7:25 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Coming down the mountain in the snow. Coming down the mountain in the snow. 1 more hairpin turn and my stomach's gonna blow . . .

7:30 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
My contribution to this glorious family moment is going to come when I barf on my little brother's head.

7:49 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
If we wind up in a snowbank and have a Donner Party, I know whose ass they'll be chewing on first. Mine.

7:52 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Of course my survival skillz would amount to Twittering madly for someone to rescue us.

7:54 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Mom would make a slingshot out of rubber from the tires, kill squirrels with it, make a fur bikini out of 'em, and be sad when we were rescued.

7:56 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Dad would go out of his mind because we'd have to burn his books to stay warm.

8:00 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Eric would put on a pair of my pantyhose. Not to stay warm. Just 'cause my little brother wants to wear my pantyhose.

8:00 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I wrote that last bit 'cause Eric was looking over my shoulder.

8:02 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
But the sick bastard said wearing my pantyhose is the closest he'll probably come to getting laid in high school.

8:06 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
He's completely gross but I love him.

8:06 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Mom taught him to knit while we were snowed in here in happy CO and he knitted himself a cocksock, and then she was sorry.

8:11 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I miss my blog, which she had no right to make me take down.

8:13 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
But Twittering is better than blogging because my blog always made me feel like I should have interesting ideas to blog about.

8:14 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
But on Twitter every post can only be 140 letters long. Which is enough room to cover every interesting thing to ever happen to me.

8:15 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
True. Check it out.

8:15 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Born. School. Mall. Cell phone. Driver's permit. Broke my nose playing trapeze at 8–there goes the modeling career. Need to lose 10 lbs.

8:19 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Think that covers it.

8:20 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
It's snowing in the mountains but not down here, snow falling in the sunlight in a storm of gold. Good-bye beautiful mountains.

9:17 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Hello not so beautiful Utah desert. Utah is brown and puckered like Judy Kennedy's weird nipples.

9:51 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
@caseinSD Yes she does have weird nipples. And it doesn't make me a lesbo for noticing. Everyone notices.

10:02 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Sagebrush!!!!!! W00T!

11:09 AM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Now Eric is trying on my pantyhose. He's bored. Mom thinks it's funny, but Dad is stressed.

12:20 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Dared Eric to wear a skirt in the diner to get our takeout. Dad says no. Mom is still laughing.

12:36 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I promised him if he does it I'll invite a certain hot goth to the pool party in April so he can see her in her tacky bikini.

12:39 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
There's no way he'll do it.

12:42 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
ZOMG hes doing it. Dad is going into the diner with him to make sure he isn't killed by offended Mormons.

12:44 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Eric came back alive. Eric saves the day. I'm actually glad to be in the van right now.

12:59 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Dad says Eric sat at the bar and talked football with this big trucker guy. Trucker guy was fine with the skirt and pantyhose.

1:03 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
He's still wearing it. The skirt. He's probably a total closet tranny. Sicko. Course that would be fun. We could shop together.

1:45 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
@caseinSD Yes we do have to invite a certain goth to the pool party now. She probably won't even come. I think sunlight burns her.

2:09 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Every time I start to fall asleep, the van hits a bump and my head falls off the seat.

11:01 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Trying to sleep.

11:31 PM – 1 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I give up trying to sleep.

1:01 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Oh fuck Eric. He's asleep and he looks like he's having a wet dream about a certain goth chick.

1:07 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Meanwhile I'd have a better chance of sleeping if there were only steel pins inserted under my eyelids.

1:09 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I'm so happy right now. I just want to hold this moment for as long as I can.

6:11 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
I just want to be home. I hate Mom. I hate everyone in the van. Including myself.

8:13 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Okay. This is why I was happy earlier. It was 4 in the morning and Mom pulled into a rest area and then she came and got me.

10:21 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
She said it was my turn to drive. I said my permit is only for driving in Cali, and she said just get behind the wheel.

10:22 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
She told me if I got pulled over to wake her up and we'd switch and everything would be all right.

10:23 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
So she went to sleep in the passenger seat and I drove. We were down in the desert and the sun came up behind me.

10:25 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
And then there were coyotes in the road. In the red sunlight. They were all over the interstate, and I stopped so I wouldn't hit them.