Twittering from the Circus of the Dead (2 page)

10:26 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

TYME2WASTE
Their eyes were gold and the sun was in their fur and there were so many, this huge pack. Just standing there like they were waiting for me.

10:28 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I wanted to take a picture with my cell phone, but I couldn't figure out where I left it. While I was looking for it, they disappeared.

10:31 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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When Mom woke up, I told her all about them. And then I thought she'd be mad I didn't shake her awake to see them, so I said I was sorry.

10:34 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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And she said she was glad I didn't wake her up, because that moment was just for me. And for maybe three seconds I liked her again.

10:35 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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But then in the place we ate breakfast I was looking at my e-mail for a sec. & I heard Mom saying to the waitress, We apologize for her.

10:37 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I guess the waitress was standing there waiting for my order and I didn't notice.

10:40 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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But I didn't sleep all night and I was tired and zoned out and that's why I didn't notice, not 'cause I was looking at my phone.

10:42 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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And Mom had to trot out her stories about being a waitress herself and that it was demeaning not to be acknowledged.

10:45 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Just to rub it in. And she can be completely right and I can still hate the way she makes me feel like shit at every opportunity.

10:46 AM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I napped, but I don't feel better.

4:55 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Dad of course has to go the slowest possible route by way of every back road. Mom says he missed a turn and added 100 miles to the trip.

6:30 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Now they're fighting. OMG I want out of this van.

6:37 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Eric, I am psychically willing you to find some reason for us to get off the road. Put on the pantyhose again. Say you have to pee.

6:49 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Anything. Please.

6:49 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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No no NO Eric, no. I wanted you to think up a GOOD reason not to get off the road but not this . . . this is going to be bad.

6:57 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Mom doesn't want to pull over either. Write it down, kids, first time in two years we've agreed on anything.

7:00 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Oh Dad is being a prick now. He says there was no point in taking back roads if we weren't going to find some culture.

7:02 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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We are driving up to something called the Circus of the Dead. The ticket guy looks really REALLY sick. Not funny-sick. SICK-sick.

7:06 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Sores around his mouth and few teeth and I can smell him. He's got a pet rat. His pet rat dived in his pocket and came out with the tickets.

7:08 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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No it wasn't cute. None of us want to touch the tickets.

7:10 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Boy, they're really packing them in. Show starts in 15 min., but the parking lot is ½ empty. The big top is a black tent with holes in it.

7:13 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Mom says to be sure to keep doing whatever I'm doing on my phone. She wouldn't want me to look up and see something happening.

7:17 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Oh that was shitty. She just said to Dad that I'll love the circus because it'll be just like the internet.

7:18 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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YouTube is full of clowns, message boards are full of fire-breathers, and blogs are for people who can't live without a spotlight on them.

7:20 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I'm going to tweet like 5 times a minute and make her insane.

7:21 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The usher is a funny old Mickey Rooney type with a bowler and a cigar. He also has on a hazmat suit. He says so he can't get bitten.

7:25 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I almost fell twice on the walk to our seats. Guess they're saving $ on lights. I'm using my iPhone as a flashlight. Hope there isn't a fire.

7:28 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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God this is the stinkiest circus ever. I don't know what I'm smelling. Are those the animals? Call PETA.

7:30 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I can't believe how many people there are. Every seat is taken. Don't know where this crowd came from.

7:31 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They must've had us park in a secondary parking lot. Oh wait, they just flipped on a spotlight. Showtime. Beating heart, restrain yourself.

7:34 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Well, that got Eric and Dad's attention. The ringmistress came out on stilts and she's practically naked. Fishnets and top hat.

7:38 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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She's weird. She talks like she's stoned. Did I mention there are zombies in clown outfits chasing her around?

7:40 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The zombies are waaay gross. They have on big clown shoes and polka dot outfits and clown makeup.

7:43 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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But the makeup is flaking off, and beneath it they're all rotted and black. Yow! They almost grabbed her. She's quick.

7:44 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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She says she's been a prisoner of the circus for 6 weeks and that she survived because she learned the stilts fast.

7:47 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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She said her boyfriend couldn't walk on them and fell down and was eaten his first night. She said her best friend was eaten the 2nd night.

7:49 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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She walked right up to the wall under us and begged someone to pull her over and rescue her, but the guy in the front row just laughed.

7:50 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Then she had to run away in a hurry before Zippo the Zombie knocked her off her stilts. It's all very well choreographed.

7:50 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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You can totally believe they're trying to get her.

7:51 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They rolled a cannon out. She said, Here at the Circus of the Dead we always begin things with a bang. She read it off a card.

7:54 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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She walked up to a tall door and rapped on it, and for a minute I didn't think they were going to let her out of the ring, but then they did.

7:55 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Two men in hazmat suits just led a zombie out. He's got a metal collar around his neck with a black stick attached.

7:56 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They're using the stick to hold him at a distance so he can't grab them.

7:57 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Eric says he has fantasies about a certain goth girl putting him in a rig like that.

7:58 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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This show would be a great date for the two of them. It's got a hint of sex, a whiff of bondage, and it's really really morbid.

7:59 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They put the zombie in the cannon.

8:00 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Auuuughhh! They pointed the cannon at the crowd and fired it and fucking pieces of zombie went everywhere.

8:03 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The guy in the row in front of us got smashed in the mouth with a flying shoe. He's bleeding and everything.

8:05 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Fucking yuck! There's still a foot inside the shoe! It's totally realistic looking.

8:08 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The guy sitting in front of us just walked off w/his wife to complain. Same dude who laffed at the ringmistress when she asked for help.

8:11 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Dad had a zombie lip in his hair. I am so glad I didn't eat lunch. Looks like a gummy worm and it smells like ass.

8:13 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Naturally Eric wants to keep it.

8:13 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Here comes the ringmistress again. She says the next act is the cat's meo

8:14 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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OMG OMGthat was not funny. She almost fell down and the way they were snarling

8:16 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The men in hazmat suits just wheeled in a lion in a cage. Yay, a lion! I am still girl enough to like a big cat.

8:17 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Oh that's a really sad, sick-looking lion. Not fun. They're opening the cage and sending in zombies and he's hissing like a housecat.

8:19 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Roawwwwr! Lion power. He's swatting them down and shredding them apart. He's got an arm in his mouth. Everyone cheering.

8:21 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Eeeuuuw. Not so much cheering now. He's got one and he's tugging out its guts like he's pulling on one end of a tug rope.

8:22 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They're sending in more zombies. No one laughing or cheering now. It's really crowded in there.

8:24 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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I can't even see the lion anymore. Lots of angry snarling and flying fur and walking corpses getting knocked around.

8:24 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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OH GROSS. The lion made a sound, like this scared whine, and now the zombies are passing around organ meat and hunks of fur.

8:25 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They're eating. That's awful. I feel sick.

8:26 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Dad saw I was getting upset and told me how they did it. The cage has a false bottom. They pulled the lion out through the floor.

8:30 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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You really get swept up in this thing.

8:30 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The Mickey Rooney guy who led us back to the seats just showed up with a flashlight. He says we left the headlights on in the van.

8:31 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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Eric went to turn them off. He said he has to pee anyway.

8:32 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The fireswallower just came out. He has no eyes, and there's some kind of steel contraption forcing his head back and his mouth open.

8:34 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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One of the men in the hazmat suits isFUCK ME.

8:35 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They shoved a torch down his throat, and now he's burning! He's running around with smoke coming out of his mouth and

8:36 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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fire in his head coming out his eyes like a jack o lante

8:36 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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They just let him burn to death from the inside out. Realest thing I've ever seen.

8:39 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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What's even realer is the corpse after the hazmat guys sprayed it down with the fire extinguishers. It looks so sad and shriveled and black.

8:39 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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The ringmistress is back. She's really weaving around. I think something is wrong with her ankle.

8:40 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie

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She says someone from the audience has agreed to be tonight's sacrifice. She says he will be the lucky one.

8:41 PM – 2 Mar from Tweetie