Ubu Plays, The (14 page)

PA UBU. Bah! I’m getting rich ... as usual. I shall carry on with my work as a slave. Come on, let’s stuff her in the carriage ...

MA UBU. But what about Pissale’s corpse ?

PA UBU. Into the boot of the carriage. Good. Now all evidence of the crime has vanished. You get in with her to act as her nurse, cook and chaperone, and I’ll climb up into the driver’s box at the back.

MA UBU
(bringing in the coach).
Will you eventually be rigged out in beautiful white stockings and a gold-embroidered coat, Pa Ubu ?

PA UBU. Indeed I shall. I have certainly earned them with my zeal. On second thoughts, since I don’t have them
yet, I shall
accompany the young lady inside and
you
can perch up there at the back.

MA UBU. But Pa Ubu ...

PA UBU. Up you get, and off we go!

He gets in with
ELEUTHERIA.

The coach rumbles off.

Inside
the
coach.
PA UBU, ELEUTHERIA.

PA UBU. Sweet child, in me you behold the most devoted of your slaves. Vouchsafe me just one word, I beg ... one word, hornstrumpot! that I may know you appreciate my services.

ELEUTHERIA, That wouldn’t be at all proper, sir. I must follow my uncle Pissale’s instructions, never to allow any man to take liberties with me except in his presence.

PA UBU. Ah! your uncle Pissale? Don’t let that bother you, sweet child, we had the foresight to bring him along with us in the boot of this vehicle !

He hauls out Pissale’s corpse and brandishes it in front of
ELEUTHERIA
who promptly faints

By my green candle, this young person has mistaken our virtuous intentions. Seduction would, in any case, be impossible at this moment since we have taken the precaution not only of securing the person of the uncle but also of hoisting our dearly-beloved Ma Ubu on to the back of the vehicle to keep a look-out, and she would most certainly rupture our gutbag if she caught us at it! We are simply petitioning this young lady humbly for the post of lackey! After all, her uncle didn’t raise any objection to the idea a moment ago. And so, hornstrumpot, when I get this lady home I’m determined to stand guard outside her door while Ma Ubu lavishes her attentions upon her, seeing as how she faints so often. No matter who knocks and asks to see her, I’ll not let them in. I shall immure her, day in day out, in the prison of my services. I shall never let her out of my sight. Hurrah for slavery!

The halkway
of
Pissale’s house.
PA UBU, MA UBU.

MA UBU. Someone’s ringing, Pa Ubu.

PA UBU. Homphynance! it’s doubtless our faithful mistress. As we all know, sensible dog-owners tie little bells around their pets’ necks so that they won’t get run over, and to prevent accidents bicyclists are required by law to announce their presence by ringing a bell loud enough to be heard fifty feet away. Similarly, the faithfulness of a master can be judged by his ringing non-stop for fifty minutes. He simply means: ‘I am here, take it easy, I am watching over your leisure moments.’

MA UBU. But after all, Pa Ubu, you are her man-servant, her cook and her head-waiter. Perhaps she’s hungry, and is trying discreetly to draw your benevolent attention to the fact of her existence, so as to find out if you’ve given the order for Madam to be served.

PAUBU. Madam is not served, Ma Ubu! Madam will be served in our own good time, when we have finished our own meal, and then only if a few scraps of food should still happen to remain on our table!

MA UBU. Well, how about offering her the unmentionable brush?

PA UBU. No, I don’t use it much any longer. It was all right so long as I was king because it amused all the little children. But we have grown wiser since then, and have discovered that what makes little children laugh may very well frighten grown-ups. Now, by my green candle, this endless ringing is intolerable! We are perfectly well aware that Madam is there; a well-trained employer should know better than to kick up such a racket at a moment when we are off-duty.

MA UBU. If there’s nothing left to eat, perhaps you could offer her something to drink, Pa Ubu ?

PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! If that will make her shut up we will have that great kindness!

He stamps down to the cellar in a rage, and brings up a dozen bottles, making several trips to do so.

M A UBU. Help! I knew he was going crazy! a stingy creature like him offering her a dozen bottles And where on earth did he dig them up? I thought I’d drunk the last drop myself.

PA UBU. There you are, madam our wife. Go and bear witness to our mistress of our attentiveness and generosity. I hope that by carefully draining these empty objects you will accumulate enough dregs to be able to offer her a glass of wine with our compliments.

MA UBU,
reassured, begins to obey. An enormous spider escapes from one of the empty bottles. MA
UBU
flees, uttering piercing screams.
PA UBU
seizes the beast and puts it in his snuff-box.

Eleutheria’s room.
ELEUTHBRIA,
the corpse of
PISSALE.

ELEUTHERIA. Help! horrors! Rather than remain alone with a corpse, I see no choice but to ring for that dreadful couple who have forced themselves upon me as servants.
(She
rings.) No one answers. Perhaps they didn’t have the effrontery to move into the house of their unfortunate victim. Disgusting Pa Ubu! That horrible wife of his!
(She rings again.)
No one! Ah, unhappy Pissale! My uncle, my dear uncle! Uncle Pissale!

PISSALE
(sitting up).
Marquis of Grandair, dear child !

ELEUTHERIA. Eek!
(She faints.)

PISSALE. Oh, so now she’s playing dead! I Ah well! that’s life. Oh, poor little Eleutheria !

ELEUTHERIA. Did you speak to me, uncle?

PISSALE. Hah, you’ve regained consciousness?

ELEUTHERIA. Why, uncle P ... p ... please tell me why you aren’t dead any longer ?

PISSALE. What’s all this p ... p ... p ... p... please?

ELEUTHERIA. Marquis of Grandair. I almost said Pissale by mistake.

PISSALE. I’ll forgive you, my dear. In fact I wasn’t dead at all. I was simply carrying to its logical conclusion my method of accompanying you everywhere as unobtrusively as possible and taking part in all your activities purely by virtue of being your uncle.

ELEUTHEIRIA. So that’s why you arrived home in the boot of the carriage! Well, since you are not dead after all I hope I can count on your valour and resolution to eject this dreadful Pa Ubu and his equally dreadful wife from my house?

PISSALE. I don’t see any point in that, since it so happens that I have just involuntarily paid them several months’ salary in advance. They are fine servants, and they learn fast, too: why, the first thing Pa Ubu did was to read over my papers and learn my title by heart - ‘Marquis of Grandair, Marquis of Grandair’ he kept repeating! Tonight, at the party to celebrate your engagement to the Marquis of Grandmeadow, I intend to have Pa Ubu announce all the guests.

ELEUTHERIA. But the Ubus never obey!
(She rings
.)

PISSALE. Then what’s the point of ringing for them? You hate the sight of them. They are excellent servants, niece, I assure you, but if you’re so determined to have someone throw them out of the house you may as well leave the job to Corporal the Marquis of Grandmeadow this evening: he’s used to giving orders to professional disobeyers. He’s been invited to attend the ball in uniform, and in any case his squad of Free Men provides an additional uniform for him on a hierarchical level.

The Hallway.
PA UBU, MA UBU.

PA UBU
(calmly).
They’re still ringing.

MA UBU. That’s not Madam ringing now. She must have got it into her head at last that we aren’t at home, or at least aren’t taking orders today. That was the doorbell.

PA UBU. The doorbell, Ma Ubu ? Ah, let us not in our zeal for slavedom neglect our functions as slave-porter. Bolt the door, put up the iron bars, close all twelve locks and make sure that the little pot of you-know-what is positioned in the window just above the front door, brim-full and ready to greet any visitors standing underneath.

MA UBU. The bell-cord’s been ripped out by now, but whoever it is is banging on the door. It must be a most distinguished visitor.

PA UBU. Oh well, Ma Ubu, you’d better fasten the end of our chain of office to the iron ring in the wall over there, and hang over the staircase that venerable sign which reads: BEWARE OF THE DOG. If these people have the audacity to force their way in, I shall bite them savagely and tread on their toes too.

The same.
PISSWEET
breaks down the door. Grotesque battle with the
UBUS
ensues.

PISSWEET. Slave! ... Ha,
you,
sergeant of the Free Men, a servant here ? Well, then, announce the Marquis of Grandmeadow.

P A U B U. Madam has gone out, Mister Pissweet. Or, to be more exact, this is not one of the days when we permit her to receive company. I forbid you to see her.

PISSWEET. This is an excellent occasion to prove that I know my theory of indiscipline by heart. I’m not only coming in, I’m going to give you a thorough thrashing into the bargain!
(He takes a dog-whip out of his poeket and brandishes it.)

PA UBU. Ooh, a whip, do you see that, Ma Ubu ? I’ve been promoted: foot-polisher, lackey, porter, and now a whipped slave. Soon I’ll be in gaol, and if God grants me life I’ll end up in the galleys. Our fortune is made, Ma Ubu !

P ISSWEET. This is going to be quite a job, beating him all over that huge surface !

PA UBU. Ah, what a triumph! See how this lash obeys all the curves of my strumpot. Why, I’m as good as a snake-charmer.

MA UBU. You look more like a whipping-top spinning round, Pa Ubu.

PISSWEET. Phew! I’m worn out. Now, Pa Ubu, I order you to announce me to your mistress.

PA UBU. First of all, who are you to give orders? Only slaves give orders here. What, pray, is your rank in slavery ?

PISSWEET.
Me -
a corporal, a soldier - slave? I’m a slave only to love. Eleutheria, future Marquise of Grandmeadow, the lovely canteen-girl of the Free Men, is not only my fiancée but in fact my mistress, so to speak.

PA UBU. Hornstrumpot, sir! I never thought of that. I’m slave-of-all-work here: thank you for reminding me of my responsibilities. That particular service is all part of my duties, and I shall accomplish it expeditiously, to save you the trouble yourself...

MA UBU. Hey! you big ninny! what do you think you’re up to?

PA UBU. This gentleman,
who happens to be free,
will take my place at your side, sweet child.

Exit
PA UBU,
up the stairs, hotly pursued by
MA UBU
and
PISSWEET.

Pissale’s house: the ball in full swiftg.
ELEUTHERIA, PISSALE, PA UBU, MA UBU. PA UBU
is waltzing with
ELEUTHERIA.

ELEUTHERIA. Help, help! Uncle, protect met !

PISSALE. As your uncle, it goes without saying that I’ll do-everything I can.

MA UBU
(running up, shaking her fists in the air).
Pa Ubu, Pa Ubu, hey, stop waltzing in that ridiculous way! You’ve gobbled up all the refreshments from the buffet-table and you’re smeared with jam from eyebrow to elbow. You’ve slung your dancing-partner under your arm, stupid, and since you don’t have the corporal’s whip any longer to help you spin round you’re bound to fall on your strumpot any moment now!

PA UBU
(to
ELEUTHERIA). Ah, sweet child, how we revel in these worldly pleasures! I had every intention of fulfilling my domestic duties by announcing the guests, but there weren’t any. - Well, they told me to announce them but they didn’t tell me to let them in; and as for serving the refreshments, there I was, behind the table, eager to help, but since no one arrived I had no choice but to eat everything up myself! And now, hornstrumpot, it is someone’s duty to ask you to dance! So, by my green candle, I am performing that service; at least there will be that much less floor-space for Ma Ubu to have to polish afterwards!

They waltz.

The same.
PISSWEET
and the
FREE MEN
burst in.

PISSWEET. Don’t touch that man! I’m going to slay him personally! Don’t arrest him !

THREE FREE MEN. All disobey! No, not together! One, two, three! (To PA UBU.) Off to prison, to prison, to prison, hey?

They drag him off, with
PISSWEET
in the lead.

BLEUTHERIA
(throws herself into the arms of
PISSALE). Oh, Uncle Pissale!

PISSALE. Marquis of Grandair, dear child.

MA UBU
(running after
PA UBU). Hey, Pa Ubu, I’ve always shared your bad luck, so now I follow you loyally in your good fortune!

A
prison.
PA UBU, MA UBU.

PA UBU. Homphynance! at last we’re beginning to look well-dressed. They’ve exchanged our livery, which was in any case rather tight across our bumboozle, for this exquisite grey uniform. Why, we might almost be back in Poland!

MA UBU. Yes, we’re well housed here, I’d say it’s just as comfortable as the palace of Wenceslas. And nobody rings or breaks doors here.

PA UBU. Ah, how right you are! The trouble with the houses in this country is that the front doors can’t be locked and people shoot in and out like wind through the sails of a windmill. But I have had the foresight to order this particular building to be fortified by strong iron doors and by solid bars at all the windows. And the Masters obey our instructions punctiliously by bringing our meals to us twice a day. What’s more, we have made use of our knowledge of physics to invent an ingenious device whereby the rain drips through the roof every morning, so that the straw in our cell may remain sufficiently moist.