Ubu Plays, The (13 page)

PA UBU, MA UBU.

PA UBU
comes forward and says nothing.

MA UBU. What! You say nothing, Pa Ubu! Surely you haven’t forgotten the Word ?

PA UBU. Psch ... aw, Ma Ubu! I don’t want to say that word any longer, it got me into too much trouble.

MA UBU. What do you mean - trouble ? The throne of Poland, the great bonnet, the umbrella ...

PA UBU. I don’t care for the umbrella any longer, Ma Ubu, it’s too hard to handle. I shall just use my science of physics to stop it raining I

MA UBU. Fathead! ... The property of the nobles confiscated, the taxes collected three times over, my own inspiring presence at your awakening in the bear’s cave, the free ride on the ship which brought us back to France where, by pronouncing the glorious Word, you can be appointed Master of Phynances whenever you choose! We’re in France now, Pa Ubu, this is hardly the moment for you to forget how to speak French.

PA UBU. Homstrumpot, Ma Ubu, I spoke French while we were in Poland, but that didn’t stop young Boggerlas from ripping open my boodle, did it, or Captain M’Nure from betraying me most shamefully, or the Tsar from scaring my phynance charger by his stupidity in letting himself fall into a ditch, or the enemy from shooting at our august person despite our instructions to the contrary, or the bear from rending our Palcontents asunder even though we addressed the savage beast in Latin from on top of our rock, or indeed, you, madam our spouse, from dilapidating our treasures and even filching our phynance charger’s dollar a day fodder allowance !

MA UBU. You should forget such minor setbacks. What will we live on if you no longer want to be Master of Phynances or king?

PA UBU. By the work of our hands, Ma Ubu!

MA UBU. What, Pa Ubu, you intend to beat up the passers-by and rob them ?

PA UBU. Oh no, they’d only hit me back! I want to be kind to the passers-by, useful to them, in fact I want to work for the passers-by, Ma Ubu. Now that we are in the land where liberty is equal to fraternity, and fraternity more or less means the equality of legality, and since I am incapable of behaving like everyone else and since being the same as everyone else is all the same to me seeing that I shall certainly end up by killing everyone else, I might as well become a slave, Ma Ubu!

MA UBU. A slave! But you’re too fat, Pa Ubu!

PA UBU. All the better for doing a fat lot of work. You, madam our female, go and set out our slave apron, and our unmentionable slave brush, and our slave hook, and our slave’s shoe-polishing kit. But as for yourself, stay just as you are, so that everyone can see plainly that you are wearing your beautiful costume of slave cook!

The Parade Ground.
The THREE
FREE
MEN,
their
CORPORAL.

THREE FREE MEN. We are the Free Men and this is our Corporal. - Three cheers for freedom, rah, rah, rah! We are free. - Let’s not forget, it’s our duty to be free. Hey! not so fast, or we might arrive on time. Freedom means never arriving on time - never, never ! - for our freedom drills. Let’s disobey together ... No! not together: one, two, three! the first will disobey on the count of one, the second on two, the third on three. That makes all the difference. Let’s each march out of step with the other two, however exhausting it may be to keep it up. Let’s disobey individually - here comes the corporal of the Free Men!

CORPORAL, Fall in!

They fall out.

You, Free Man number three, you get two days’ detention for being in line with number two. The training-manual lays down quite clearly that you must be free! — Individual drills in disobedience ... Blind and unwavering indiscipline at all times constitutes the real strength of all Free Men. - Slope ... arms !

THREE FREE MEN. Let’s talk in the ranks. - Let’s disobey. - The first on the count of one, the second on the count of two, the third on the count of three. - One, two, three !

CORPORAL. As you were! Number one, you should have grounded arms; number two, surrendered your weapon; number three thrown your rifle six paces behind you and then tried to strike a libertarian attitude. Fall out! One, two! one two!

They fall in and then march off, being careful not to march in step.

PA UBU, MA UBU.

MA UBU. Oh! Pa Ubu, how handsome you look in your cap and apron. Now go and find some Free Man and try out your hook and your shoe-polishing brush on him, so that you can start off in your new duties right away.

PA UBU. Ah ha! I can see three or four specimens scurrying off over there.

MA UBU. Catch one, Pa Ubu.

PA UBU. Hornstrumpot! I shall be delighted to do so. Polishing of the feet, cutting of the hair, singeing of the moustaches, forcing of the little wooden pick into the nearoles ...

MA UBU. Hey, are you out of your mind, Pa Ubu! You must imagine you’re still King of Poland.

PA UBU. Madam my female, I know exactly what I’m doing, and you - you don’t know what you’re talking about. When I was king I did all that for my further glory and for Poland; but now I’m going to institute a modest price-list and they’ll have to pay me: twisting of the nose, for instance, will cost three francs twenty-five. For an even smaller sum I’ll beat you up with your own egg-whisk.

MA UBU
flees.

Let us follow these people, in any case, and offer them our services.

PA UBU,
the
CORPORAL,
the
THREE FREE MEN.
The
CORPORAL
and the
FREE MEN
march up and down for some time; then
PA UBU
falls into step with them.

CORPORAL. Slope ... arms!

PA UBU
obeys with his unmentionable brush.

PA UBU. Hurrah for the Pschittanarmy!

CORPORAL. Halt! Halt! Or rather, no ! Disobey by not halting!

The
FREE MEN
halt,
PA UBU
steps forward from the ranks.

Who is this new recruit, freer than any of you, who has invented an arms drill I’ve never seen before in all the seven years I’ve been ordering ‘Slope ... arms !’ ?

PA UBU. We obeyed the command, Sir, in order to carry out our slavish duties. I have performed the motions of ‘slope arms’.

CORPORAL. I’ve explained this piece of drill time and time again, but this is the first time I’ve ever seen it done properly. Your theoretical knowledge of freedom is greater than mine, since you even go so far as to obey commands. You are the greatest Free Man of us all. Your name, Sir ?

PA UBU. Herr Ubu, sometime King of Poland and Aragon, Count of Mondragon, Count of Sandomir, Marquis of Saint-Gregory. At present, slave, at your service, Mister ...?

CORPORAL. Pissweet ... Corporal of the Free Men ... but, when ladies are present, the Marquis of Grandmeadow. Please remember, I beg you, to address me only by my title, even if you should find yourself in command over me, which seems likely, since I can tell from your knowledge of the Freedom training-manual that you must be a sergeant at least.

PA UBU. Corporal Pissweet, we shall remember, Sir. But I have come to this country to be a slave, not to give orders, although it is true that I was in fact a sergeant once, when I was a little boy, and even a captain of dragoons. Corporal Pissweet, farewell.

He marches off.

CORPORAL. Farewell, Count of Saint-Gregory. - Squad, halt

The
FREE
MEN march across the stage and exeunt.

ELEUTHERIA, PISSALE.

PISSALE. Eleutheria, my dear, I’m afraid we are rather late.

ELEUTHERIA. Uncle Pissale ...

PISSALE. Never call me that, even when there’s no one around ! Marquis of Grandair - a far simpler name, you will agree, and one which when pronounced does not make people turn round and stare. You could at least address me simply as ‘uncle’.

ELEUTHERIA. Uncle, it really doesn’t matter if we are late. Since you got me this job ...

PISSALE. Through my important connections.

ELEUTHERIA.... as canteen-girl to the Free Men, I have memorized a few of the rules in their Freedom training-manual. I arrive late, so they don’t get anything to drink, so they’re thirsty and understand all the better how useful it is to have a canteen-girl.

PISSALE. In fact they never see you at all. It would be more sensible if you stopped coming altogether and so saved your uncle from being roasted by the hot sun on this parade ground every day.

BLBUTHBRIA. Uncle Piss ... I mean, uncle, why don’t you simply stay at home then ?

PISSALE. That would not be proper, niece. You are a young girl, Eleutheria, and I must keep an eye on the Free Men to see that they don’t take too many liberties with you. A permissive uncle is a living scandal. You are not a free ... woman, you are my niece. I have already arranged, with great ingenuity, that although it is the custom in this land of the free to go naked, in your case your decolletage is confined to your feet ...

BLBUTHBRIA. So that’s why you never buy me shoes !

PISSALE. Besides, I’m less worried about the Free Men than I am about your fiancé, the Marquis of Grandmeadow.

ELEUTHERIA. And yet you’re giving a ball in his honour this evening ... Oh, uncle, hasn’t he got a gorgeous name!

PISSALE. And that is why, dear child, I must remind you once again that, in his presence, it is unseemly for you to call me...

ELEUTHERIA. Pissale - no, I won’t forget, uncle.

The same.
PA U B U.

PA UBU. Those soldiers don’t seem to have much cash, so I’d better look for someone else to serve. Ah here comes a charming maiden carrying a green silk parasol, accompanied by a respectable-looking gentleman wearing a red ribbon in his button-hole. Let us endeavour not to alarm them. - Homstrumpot by my green candle, sweet child, I take the liberty - your liberty - of offering you my services. Twisting of the nose, extraction of the brain ... no, no, I forgot; I meant to say: polishing of the feet.

ELEUTHERIA. Leave me alone.

PISSALE. You must be dreaming, Sir! Can’t you see she’s barefoot ?

The same.
MA UBU.

PA UBU. Ma Ubu! bring me the polishing-hook and the polishing-box and the polishing-brush, and come here and get a good grip on her feet
(To
PISSALE.) As for you, Sir!...

MA UBU(
running up
)
.
Here you are, Pa Ubu, I obey you. But what do you intend to do with your polishing kit ? She’s not wearing shoes.

PA UBU. I intend to polish her feet with this special foot-polishing brush. I am a slave, hornstrumpot! No one shall prevent me from performing my slavish duty. I shall serve pitilessly. Killemoff, debrain !

M A UBU
holds
ELEUTHERIA
by the ankles.
PA UBU
hurls himself upon
PISSALE.

MA UBU. What senseless brutalityl Now she’s fainted.

PISSALE
(collapsing).
And I’m dead!

PA UBU
(polishing away vigorously).
I knew I’d be able to make them keep quiet. I can’t stand people making a din! Well, now that job’s done I can claim the fee that I have earned honestly with the sweat of my brow.

MA UBU. Better revive her, so she can pay you.

PA UBU. Oh no! She’d probably want to give me a tip, and all I demand is a fair price for my work. Besides, to be quite fair I’d also have to resuscitate that old fool I’ve just massacred, and that would take too long. In any case, as a conscientious slave I am bound to anticipate her slightest wish. Ah! here’s the young lady’s purse and the gentleman’s wallet. Into my pocket with them !

MA UBU. You’re keeping it all, Pa Ubu ?

PA UBU. You don’t think I’m going to squander the fruits of my labours buying you presents, do you, you stupid old bag?
(Counting
the
banknotes.)
Fifty francs ... fifty francs ... a thousand francs ...
(Reading a card.)
Corporal Pissale, Marquis of Grandair.

MA UBU. I mean, aren’t you going to leave them anything, Mister Ubu, Sir ?

PA UBU. Ma Ubu! I’m gonna black both yer eyes, then exorbitate them! Besides, this purse only contains fourteen gold pieces, all with a female figure on one side symbolising Freedom.

BLEUTHERIA
regains consciousness and tries to escape.

And now go and find a carriage, Ma Ubu.

MA UBU. Miserable creature! Can’t you even summon up the energy to make your getaway on foot ?

PA UBU. No, I need a large coach in which to install this charming child, and see her safely home.

MA UBU. Pa Ubu, you’re just not being logical. Are you getting senile, turning into an honest man like this, and taking pity on your victims ? You must be off your rocker! I And how about this corpse, sprawled on the ground for all to see, are you just going to leave it here ?