U.G.L.Y (6 page)

S
evere
drug
reactions
initiated
a
shut
down
of
my
body
and
introduced
the
worst
experience of my
life.
Drug
induced
panic
and
anxiety
led
to
almost
a
complete
breakdown.
Amanda
couldn
’
t
take
it
and
asked me to leave
on
Christmas
one
year, telling me I had an expiration date,
and
I
was
left
to
try
to
survive
while
sleeping
on
my
mothers
living room
floor. I don't think she meant my life had an expiration but rather our marriage. She didn't understand what was happening to me.
I was
barely
able
to
stand
up.
I
would
only
sleep
an
hour
at
a
time. My body
shuttered
so
badly
from
drug
withdrawals
that
I
would
wake
up
often
,
having
what
seemed
like
seizures.

I
couldn't
breath,
I
hurt,
I
cried
and
wanted
to
die.
But
I
had
to
hang
in
there,
had
to
wake
up
in
the
morning
and
try
to
go
to
work.
I
had
four
kids
that
needed
me and I
wouldn't
succumb
to
death so easily.
T
hat
would
leave
them
in
the
hands
of
Amanda,
and I didn't think
they
stood
a
chance if that were to happen.

Somehow
I
managed
to
get
up
every morning
and
say
to
myself, “
one
day
closer
to
feeling
good
again
”
.
The
next
year
was
filled
with
court
appearances
and
custody
battles.
According to Amanda, I was guilty
of
everything
a person could be guilty of. Abuse, neglect, infidelity, and mental illness were among the list of my failings. N
one
of
these things
she
could
ever
prove
because
none
of
it
ever
happened.
I thought that I must be quite a remarkable man to hold a full time job and go to school full time while also being a bipolar alcoholic with aggression issues. It would have been funny if it weren’t so devastating.

I
would
stand
in
court time and again, and listen to accusation after accusation,
a
stoic
expression
on
my
face.
Inside
I
hurt though,
not
just
emotionally
but
the
physical
toll
of
all
this
was
killing
me
.
Even
while
standing
in front of the judge,
defending
myself,
the
chest
pains
were
so
severe
I
would
nearly
pass
out.
I was still in recovery from drug withdrawal and had difficulty standing at times.

But
somehow
I
did
it.
I
survived
the
drug
withdrawals
and
the
divorce
and
more
than
two
years
later
I
felt
normal
more
often
than
not.
I
t
still
hurt
sometimes,
especially
when
I
got
stressed
out.
My insides
had
been
badly
damaged
during
the
drug
intervention
and
I suffered from
a
great
deal
of
pain.
T
he
feeling
of
my
chest
muscles
locking
up
was ever present
and
I
couldn
’
t
move.
S
harp
pains
that
were
severe
enough
to
make
my
legs
buckle were frequent.

But
this
was
life
now and
it
was
painful.
I
refused
to
take
even
the most minor of drugs
and
eventually
grew
to
embrace
the
pain.
The
only
way
to
stop
it
was
to
breath
deep
and
meditate,
a
method
which
I
found
forced
me
to
stop
and
take
a
clear
look
at
a
situation.

I
would
listen
to
my
body
now
and
try
to
live
long
enough
to
be
there
for
all
my
kids
to
get
to
adulthood.

“
Just
ten
years” I would mutter to myself.
“
that
’
s
all
I
have
to
live,
ten
more
years
”
.
Ten
years
was
when
my
youngest
son
would
be
18
and
hopefully
a
grown
enough
man
to
be
okay
on
his
own.

    
Most
people
didn't
react
so badly
to
the
drugs
that
were
by
now
being
prescribed
in
volume
at
a
rate
of
13% of the adult population for tranquilizers. In one year alone, 118 million prescriptions for anti depressants were written.
D
octors
were
prescribing
antidepressants
and
tranquilizers
at
an
exponentially
increasing
rate.

O
ver
time,
the drugs weren't
calming
people
as
the
effects
began
wearing
off
too
quickly
and
higher
doses
were
needed.
New
drugs
were
being
introduced
almost
monthly,
it
was
an
endless
cycle
of
drugs,
side
effects,
and
therapists
as
eccentric
behavior
began
to
present
an
almost
epidemic
situation. A
new
pharmaceuticals company
entered
the
game
of
drug
competition
and
offered
an
alternative
boasting
its
dramatic life altering effects. Fallecimiento LLC. would give us the answer to pain, emotional distress, and a better life.

6
.

-Safe-

     The small town I was living in during the first wave overtook
Los
Angeles
was
an
isolated
little mountain
town
that
served
as
a
 
getaway
for
those
struggling
to
live
in
the
bustling
cities
that
stretched
almost
seamlessly
from
the
foothills
to
the
coast.
I
considered
this
to
be
a
crappy
little
town
with
nothing
really
going
for
it.

The
biggest
attraction
was
a
ski
resort
that
was
regularly
overcrowded
and
would
cause
ridiculous
traffic
jams
in
the
little
town
with
only
one
two
lane
road
in
or
out
of
the small valley
.
During
the
first
wave
however,
this
little
burg
had
one
redeeming characteristic.
All
water
supplied
to
residences
and
business
were
well
fed,
there
were
no
reservoirs
and
water
storage
was
minimal.
Almost
all
water
was
fed
directly
from
the
source
on
an
as
needed
basis.
The
contamination
of
water
supplies
that
lead
to
the
infection
of
all
those
people
was
isolated
to
the
cities
that
were
supplied
by
external sources
. We remained contamination free.