Unbearable (29 page)

Chapter 36

Tess

My heart hurt. No matter what, I thought I could count on Booker. “I suck when it comes to picking out men. Absolutely suck.” I knew he was going to break up with me by the way he’d been acting. His ridiculous excuses for not seeing me at the hospital, the phony isolation stunt, were transparent. But to hear the actual words falling from his lips cut like a knife. If Booker had ripped my heart from my chest and stomped on it, it would hurt less. I wiped away the tears as they soaked my face.

Now I had to go to Lilah’s and pretend nothing was wrong. She invited me over to help her plan a baby shower for Maggie. I thought it was a little early in the pregnancy to plan a shower, but Lilah was so excited about the baby, I didn’t point it out, not wanting to rain on her parade. So not in the mood for party planning at the moment.

I sat in the car for a few minutes, reining in my emotions. I even applied some fresh mascara. After a few deep breaths, I headed for the door.

I played it well. I smiled, made suggestions for party games, and even agreed to host one, putting myself in the center of attention for the first time in a long time. She had no idea I wanted to break down and cry.

“Since both Cole and Seth will be working, I’ll have to make sure they move the furniture around in the living room the night before to accommodate the guest seating.” Lilah wrote herself a note in the margin of the yellow pad she’d been using to map out the shower. “I doubt Booker will be healthy enough yet to help. How’s Booker doing anyway? Cole said he’s in a lot of pain still.”

“He . . . ah . . .” I took a deep breath as I forced myself not to cry.

“What’s wrong? Is Book okay?” She wrapped a hand around my arm.

“It’s not that. He . . . he broke up with me.” I tightened my jaw before giving her a recap of what happened. I impressed myself. I didn’t shed a single tear. In fact, my sorrow turned into anger the longer I talked.

“He said he was sick of the drama, and he needed a simple life?” she repeated, sounding as exasperated as I felt.
“
Estúpido
!” She slapped the table and stood as she went into a tirade entirely in Spanish, flipping her hands repeatedly in the air. She must have forgotten that I grew up in San Diego, and while I didn’t speak it well, I knew a lot of Spanish words. Thankfully, Sofia was in bed, otherwise she would have gotten a real education on how to cuss out a man in Spanish.

Cole entered the kitchen, a look of confusion on his arched brow. “Lilah, what’s wrong?” He squeezed her shoulders.

“Booker!” was all she said.

Relief and a smile filled his face. “What did he do now?”

“Broke up with Tess.” Lilah slapped her hand on her leg in frustration.

“He told me he was sick of the drama, and wanted a simple life,” I explained to Cole.

“I see.” Cole pulled out a chair for his wife, before sitting next to her. “I believe this can be blamed on his ‘save the world’ mentality. Booker’s obsessed with protecting those of us he loves. I know for a fact he’d lay down his life for me, without a second thought. For any one of us. Me or Lilah, Seth, Maggie. And now you.”

“In that crazy head of his, Booker feels he failed his sister and his mom, and he’s afraid of failing us also,” Lilah said. “It’s an irrational thought. I mean, seriously, how can you defend your family against two punks with guns?”

“And he knows that, too, deep inside, but Booker can’t let that thought go.” Cole shook his head, clearly worried about his friend. “Tess, did you know that Maggie lived with Booker at one time? Not in the romantic sense, this was strictly platonic. A brother and sister relationship, if you will.”

“No. I know he has her dog, Daisy May.” I leaned back in the chair wondering what this had to do with me.

“Remember Mags telling you that she and Seth wanted to wait until they were married before they slept together?” Lilah asked, somewhat calmer now thanks to Cole’s peaceful ways. I nodded. “Well, she moved in with Booker for a while, to make things easier on her and Seth. Anyway, everything started out okay.”

“But about a year-and-a-half in, things fell apart.” Cole leaned forward, placing his elbows on the table.

“It didn’t help that he and Seth were in the middle of a drug sting operation that went bad,” Lilah said, rubbing Cole’s arm.

“Booker came staggering into my office one night at three in the morning,” Cole explained. Pain for his friend weighed on his face. “Book stumbled into my office ghost-white and sweating profusely. The temperature outside was negative two.”

I stared mindlessly at the table while Cole laid out what happened.

“Book insisted he was having a heart attack. He kept telling me his heart was pounding to the point of being painful. He collapsed onto the corner of my desk, not bothering to clear a spot, sending a file sideways onto the floor.” Cole took a breath, clearly bothered.

“Was he?” I asked.

“No.” Cole shook his head. “Panic attack. He and Seth were working undercover that night and were ensnared in a shootout. Seth went around to the front of the building without Booker knowing and he thought Seth had been shot. It threw Book into a panic.”

“Panic attack. I had several of those over the past few years thanks to Garen,” I said dryly. “They can be debilitating.”

“Extremely. It wasn’t until
then that I noticed he’d lost weight, a good fifteen pounds, if I were to guess. Booker’s face was drawn and his eyes had dark bags underneath.” He sat silently for a minute, as if dwelling on the memory.

“What does all this have to do with Maggie living with him?” I pressed, knowing I didn’t want to hear the rest of this. I didn’t want to feel sorry for Booker at the moment. I was angry, and I
wanted
to be angry with him.

“I was pretty sure I knew what triggered the attack that night,” Cole continued. “He’d been stressing about Maggie’s safety for months, and it seemed to be escalating. The incident with Seth brought it all to a head.”

“Stressing about Maggie?” I asked.

“Yes. He mentioned a few weeks earlier that he wasn’t sleeping well. That he’d wake in the middle of the night and rush to see if his security system had been breached. Then he’d recheck each door and window in the house two or three times to make sure they were secure.”

“Afraid that what happened to his family would happen to Maggie,” I said, as sorrow touched my heart. How awful for him. It broke my heart to know how much he’d suffered, and still suffered with that memory.

Lilah set a glass of water in front of me, pulling me out of my thoughts. I thanked her and drained the glass, not realizing just how thirsty I was.
Probably from all my crying.

“So, what happened?” I asked.

“We ran several tests, to be safe, but that’s what it was. Maggie moved out and back in with Seth the next day, and that’s when I moved in with them. Maggie hurt for Booker, and didn’t want to leave him alone, but she knew it had to be. That’s why he has Daisy. Maggie didn’t want Book to be completely alone,” Cole explained. “Booker slept for twenty-six hours straight that first night. I had him speak to a specialist, and she taught him some coping skills that helped tremendously. But in all honesty, Maggie’s moving out was all it took.”

I sat quietly for a moment, thinking about what Cole and Lilah had shared with me. “Do you believe that the incident with Garen triggered the panic attacks again?” Feeling guilty, I fingered the glass instead of looking at them.

“No, at least he swears he’s not had any,” Cole said, taking my hand in his. “Honestly, I think he’s scared that something horrible is going to happen to you, and he’ll lose you, just like he’s lost so many other people in his life. He needs time. That’s my professional
and
personal opinion.”

I pushed to my feet. “So I’m supposed to wait around until Booker decides to get his head together?” Frustrated, I paced to the window above the sink and looked out at the stupid snow.
Does it ever stop snowing here?

“Tess, I didn’t tell you all this so you’d feel obligated to wait around for him,” Cole explained. “I just wanted you to have the full picture before you make a decision. You know me. I’m a fact kind of guy.”

I smiled, remembering when Booker had said the exact same thing about him. After Cole learned he had cancer, he researched several different avenues of treatment. After deciding which one he believed to be the most promising, Cole presented his findings to the oncologist and told him that was the protocol they’d follow. Never once did Cole whine
Why me
or
This isn’t fair
. He saw a problem and took control of his situation.

“I love Book, as much as I do my own brothers. He’s kind, compassionate, giving, extremely sarcastic,” Cole chuckled. “He’s also been through some pretty horrific stuff, and is struggling right now. But then again, so have you.”

Lilah stepped to my side. Cole came next to her and leaned against the sink, folding his arms across his chest. “Only you can decide how you want to handle this,” she said. “Are you done with the guy? Or do you want to give
Estup . . .
Booker some time? The way I see it, it boils down to a couple of things. How much do you love him, and is he worth the headache?” She smiled softly. “I think I know what you’ll say. But remember one thing, Tess. You’re in charge of you. Not a man. Not any man, or woman, for that matter. Take control. Do what you have to do to reclaim your life, no matter what that is. We’ll stand by you, one hundred percent.” Cole nodded at his wife’s words.

“Don’t get me wrong, I love the guy.” Lilah chuckled. “I mean, we’ve had our troubles, but we worked it out. He even tracked down Sofia for me. If he hadn’t, I still wouldn’t know she was alive. But he can be infuriating, and stupid, and—”

“Who’s stupid, mommy?” Sofia padded into the kitchen, her curly hair a mess from her nap. She wrapped her arms around her mother’s legs and plopped her thumb in her cherub mouth.

“Did I wake you?” Lilah asked, smoothing down her daughter’s hair. Sofia nodded. “Sorry.” Lilah scooped her up and kissed her cheek.

“Where’s Uncle Book?” Sofia asked me around her thumb. It took me a second to interpret the muffled sounds.

“He’s at home.” I smiled.

“I miss him.” She snuggled in closer to her mother.

I waved to Sofia. “I’ll see you later, sweetie.” She wiggled the fingers of her thumb sucking hand at me.

As I drove away, all feelings of sadness leeched from my body as I thought about not only what Cole shared, but about Lilah’s words. For too long I’d let Garen overshadow who I was. For too long I pushed aside my needs to try to make a marriage with a violent creep work. I sacrificed my self-worth as he tore me down, little by little, every day, not even realizing it until the damage was done. What was I thinking?

I smacked the steering wheel. “Ouch.” I pumped my hand a few times. “I’m done. I’m done being stepped on, walked over. I’m done cowering. I’m not going to live like this anymore. Enough! Fear will not rule me another day.” I rolled down the window. “I’m taking my life back,” I yelled out. A couple of teens getting into a red pickup turned and gave me
a mitten-covered thumbs up. Time to rescue Terese Layla Selleck.

I flipped a U-turn right in the center of town, disrupting traffic, and I couldn’t care less.
My only focus now? Reclaiming. I drove straight to the county jail. The judge refused to set bail on Garen, citing him as a flight risk, so he sat in prison, rotting, as his injuries healed. The thought warmed my heart.

A detective led me to a sterile room after I filled out the visitor’s paperwork and went through an x-ray scanner. I almost turned and left as my old friend fear tried to wiggle itself into my heart.

No. It ends here. Today.

Two armed guards escorted Garen into the room in a wheelchair. He wore a bright orange jumpsuit, definitely not his color. He looked small and insignificant to me for the first time ever. I laughed out loud when they shackled him to the metal table between us. Not wanting to be any closer to him than I needed to be, I remained standing.

“My, my. How the mighty have fallen,” I chuckled.

“Hello, whore. Miss me already?” he laughed.

“I’ve come to let you know that I’m done with you. I’m done worrying and wondering if you are around the next corner waiting to attack me. I’m done hiding and letting your depravity dictate what I do, and how I feel. I’m done dealing with losers like you. Done. One hundred percent done.” I planted my hands on the table and leaned in ever so slightly. “I’m taking charge of me. And I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure you die in this rat-infested hole. Capiche?”

He grabbed at me, but the table held him firmly in place. As did the guards who each placed a hand on his shoulders, punching him back down into the chair. Not going to lie, it was easier to be brave knowing he couldn’t reach me.
One step at a time, Tess.

“You’re nothing but a bully. A cruel, depraved bully, who derives pleasure out of beating women. But never again will you hurt me. Never again will you control me. And the next man I give myself to will deserve me.” I turned around and patted my butt. “And you can kiss this goodbye forever.” One of the guards chuckled.