Unbelievable (9 page)

Sebastian tapped her knuckles against his mouth, his grip on her hand almost bruising. When at last she looked at him, his eyes were closed, his head bent slightly forward. The muscles in his neck and shoulders were taut, straining. His nostrils flared with every breath he took. But he held still, her hand wrapped securely in his. Her body was bathed in his warmth as he cradled her close on his lap.

It wasn’t quite as hard talking to him about it as she’d thought it would be, and she realized with a start
that having Sebastian holding her had made all the difference. It wasn’t like explaining to the authorities, who had bombarded her with questions while they paced around the room. Or the therapist, who sat there in her chair, looking so cold and detached, despite her sympathetic expression, waiting for Brandi to give away an emotional revelation so she could dissect it and find a
cure.
Even her parents and Shay hadn’t been able to just listen. Always they came up with unnecessary apologies and guilt. They’d look at each other, their expressions wounded. She’d always ended up feeling guilty for making them so unhappy.

“At first, my parents were kind of shocked, then so angry. Not at me, but they didn’t understand why I hadn’t told them what happened. They wanted the men really bad. Thinking back on it, I’ve decided it was the only reaction they could have had. They made demands of the captain, who asked around and found out I’d been flirting with the men. He didn’t accuse me, but he told my parents that I had to learn to be more careful, that you couldn’t trust anyone anymore. And he was right. I shouldn’t have flirted with strangers. And I should have spoken up right away—but at the time, I just…
couldn’t.
Besides, we were in international waters, there was nothing anyone could do.”

“Brandi.”

There was a wealth of tenderness in the way he spoke her name, but his jaw was rigid, his eyes cold and hard. He looked the same as her parents had—distraught, disgusted. She tried to pull her hand free, but he again pressed it to his mouth, leaving the touch of a hot kiss on her wrist.

Feeling as if she might crumple up and fall away, she asked with a touch of sheltering sarcasm, “Are you happy now that you know it all?”

He wiped a lingering tear from her cheek. “I’m glad you told me, yes. But I’m not happy. I’m probably the most miserable bastard alive.”

“Because you’re stuck on this vacation with me? No one says we have to spend the time together.”

“Oh, Brandi.” He shook his head at her in a chiding way. “That’s not what I meant.”

“No?” Her whole body trembling, she pulled her hand free to wrap her arms around her middle. It was an old habit, one she’d broken herself of, but she fell back on it instinctively. In this situation it was ludicrous, given she was sitting on Sebastian’s firm lap. Suddenly she felt cold from the inside out. “I made all the wrong choices, one mistake after another. You must think I’m an idiot.”

He ran a hand over her hair, then down her back, moving her just a tiny bit closer to his bare chest. His look was tender and direct and filled with emotion. “The truth, remember?”

She said, “Of course,” even though she didn’t know if she could bear the truth.

His eyes were sad, but he gave her a small, sweet smile. “What I think is, you’re the most incredible woman I’ve ever met.”

E
MBARRASSED BY THE
ridiculous compliment, Brandi snorted and said, “You must be awfully easy to impress.”

He chuckled. “Actually, no. I’m damn hard to get around, and because of my background, I’m too critical of other people. But after all you’ve been through, you’re still sweet and gentle, not bitter. I think that constitutes a small miracle.”

“I may not be bitter, but I’ll never be a normal woman again, either.”

Sebastian pretended to study her face. “You look fine to me.” Then he kissed her cheek, letting his lips linger. “You taste even better. And no ‘normal’ woman ever pushed my buttons the way you do. If you’re not normal, I can only be grateful, because I think you’re perfect just the way you are.”

She couldn’t repress her smile of relief, even though she knew his words were nonsense. “You know what I meant.”

Sobering, he said, “Yeah, I do. But it’s not true, baby. You’re a little more reserved, but you have all the same needs, all the same desires as any other woman.” Then he grinned. “You just needed the right man to volunteer his body for your inquisitive mind.”

A few remnants of tears were still in her eyes and she wiped them away. He gave her that tender smile again that made her want to stay with him forever.

But there was so much still in the way. “Sebastian, I don’t know if I’ll ever be able to make love. Just the thought of…” Her voice trailed away. It was more than difficult trying to say such things, trying to express her problem.

“Hey, no blushing now.” His voice was low, whispered against her cheek. “You can tell me anything, honey. There’s no one here but us.”

The night was quiet. Without her realizing it, the television had gone blank, leaving only a dull glow coming from the screen and a soft hum in the air. Her position on Sebastian’s lap put her as close to him as she could get. All around her was his scent, his warmth, his concern and his tenderness. He wore only his jeans; his long legs were stretched out in front of him, and his large feet were bare. A dark, appealing shadow of whiskers covered his lean cheeks and sharp jaw. His eyes were slumberous, his dark shiny hair tousled.

To Brandi, he felt safe and sexy and somehow a part of her. She swallowed, then decided to take advantage of the moment. Another one like it might never come again, and she did have so many questions, so many things she’d like to talk to him about. Sebastian was available and willing and she trusted him, even more than she trusted herself sometimes.

“The thought of a man getting on top of me makes me ill. I…I break out in a cold sweat.”

He rubbed his chin on the crown of her head and
replied simply, without inflection. “There are other positions, you know.”

“But a man is so much stronger. He could always switch positions. And Shay told me once that a man who’s really excited doesn’t always know what he’s doing.”

“What?” He tipped her chin up and his frown was fierce. “That’s total bull and a miserable cop-out. Men are always responsible for their actions, especially when they’re with a woman. Why would Shay tell you such a damn stupid thing?”

His vehemence startled her, but didn’t alarm her. “She’d talked me into going on a date. But the guy got…pushy. He didn’t really do anything, just tried to steal a kiss.”

“A kiss you didn’t want to give him?”

“Yes. But I guess he thought he could convince me.”

“I hope you slapped his damn face,” Sebastian muttered.

A slight grin twitched at her lips as she shook her head. “I wish I had, but instead, I ran. I get panicked and I can’t think about anything except getting away.”

“Is that what happened today while you were shopping?”

Amazed at how easy it was to talk to him, even through her embarrassment, she nodded. “Two men tried to pick me up.”

“I wish I’d seen them.”

Brandi laughed at his look of mean intent. She liked it that he felt defensive of her, even though she wanted and needed to learn to defend herself. “It wasn’t that big a deal. Shay says I make too much of things sometimes, and she’s right. She said that just because a man
shows his interest, or steals a kiss, doesn’t make him a rapist.”

“I’d say she’s right. But I’d also say anyone, male or female, should know how to accept no as an answer and to respect another person’s wishes. Don’t let Shay talk you into doing anything you don’t want to do.”

“She talked me into this vacation.”

“Except for this vacation,” he clarified quickly, then gave her a lopsided grin. “In this one instance, Shay was brilliant.”

Brandi shook her head. “Actually, I shouldn’t have been surprised by what she did. She’s made it her personal goal to get my life jump-started. She feels…responsible somehow, for not watching out for me on the cruise. I keep telling her it wasn’t her fault. It was my fault.”

“No. You were eighteen, sweetheart. You didn’t ask to be violated, no more than any woman does. Leaving your door unlocked doesn’t warrant blame for you or in any way serve as an excuse for what those bastards did. It was just a small mistake that cost you more than it should have.”

“But I had been flirting.”

“So? Flirting is something everyone does. It’s human nature, not an invitation to brutality. The only people at fault were the men who took advantage of a young woman’s innocence.”

“I’ve wished so many times that I’d done things differently.”

“We all do. But we’re human, and we have faults. That’s just something we all have to learn to live with.”

Brandi couldn’t help but relax. Sebastian was so open and honest in his responses. He didn’t seem
bothered by the topic, didn’t seem hesitant in answering her. She gave him a small hug. “Talking with you is so different from talking with my family.”

“How so?”

“They don’t really want to hear about any of this. It makes them uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say, and they’re afraid they’ll upset me. Usually they end up apologizing. Again and again. We’ve made a sort of silent pact not to bring it up, to pretend it never happened. They don’t know about the nightmares. I didn’t want to worry them or add to their ridiculous guilt, and there’s nothing they can do about them anyway. The dreams are just something I have to learn to deal with.”

Sebastian cursed softly, confusing Brandi, then he looked at her again. “I’m glad you’re sharing it with me, then. And I want you to feel free to tell me anything. Ask any question you want, hold on to me when you need to. Everyone needs to talk. About everything. Keeping things inside never helps.”

Brandi hesitated for a moment, uncertain how to verbalize what she was feeling, but she wanted Sebastian to know, to understand how much this time with him meant to her. Usually, with her parents or with Shay, she ended up being the one listening. They needed her to understand that they felt guilt, that they suffered, too, over what had happened. But with Sebastian, he listened and accepted. She could pour out her heart, and it felt good. Somehow, the living nightmares—the ones that stayed with her every hour—weren’t quite so overwhelming anymore.

There was no way to put all that into words, so finally she just whispered, “Thank you.”

He hesitated, then cautiously, with his lips first on her temple, then her cheekbone, he kissed his way toward her mouth. When his lips touched hers, gently, without pressure, she sighed. So close their noses touched, he looked into her eyes and she could see his smile, could feel the warmth of his incredible green eyes.

“You’re welcome.” His husky whisper made her tingle.

She had to close her eyes to shield some of the heavy emotions she felt before she could make her next confession. “Sebastian, I like kissing you.”

“Do you?”

She smoothed her hand over his bare shoulder again and noticed the muscles were more relaxed now. She looked back to his face and shivered at the sensual heat in his eyes; his masculine interest was so plain to see, so natural. He hid nothing from her, and maybe that was what made it less frightening.

“I’ve been so curious for so long. But I was afraid to chance getting close enough to anyone to do the things most girls have done by the time they were teenagers. I was a late bloomer. I didn’t get asked out much, especially not with Shay around. She’s so gorgeous, most of the boys my age were too busy staring at her to even notice me.”

“I noticed you.”

Brandi grinned. “I know. It still amazes me that you aren’t involved with Shay.”

He snorted. “Your sister terrifies me. There’s no denying she’s beautiful, but in a different way from you. Shay doesn’t have a subtle bone in her body. She’s extravagant and pushy and arrogant.”

“She’s incredible.”

He laughed. “Don’t get defensive. I like your sister a lot. And her personality suits
her
to perfection. But Shay has a way of making mincemeat out of the males of our species, and I have no desire to do battle with her.”

“You make her sound like an Amazon.”

“Close.”

Brandi smacked his shoulder. “I’m surprised you escaped. She puts most men under her spell within minutes.”

“Including all the boys you knew when you were growing up?”

“Mmm. I was just known as Shay’s little sister. It didn’t give me much of a chance to experiment when most other girls were getting their first kisses—or more. Then after the rape… Well, I wish now that I’d had at least one boyfriend somewhere along the way.”

Sebastian was curiously still. “Are you saying, except for the rape, you’re a virgin?”

“Yes. But even more than in the physical sense. I…I’d only been kissed a few times, and those were tiny pecks. But I’d dreamed about doing those things, about finding the right guy and…”

She couldn’t put her thoughts into words, but Sebastian understood. “You wanted to experience all that first excitement, the first kiss, the first touch. Necking and petting, but being too cautious to go all the way.” As he’d spoken, his fingers had slid up and down her arm over the flannel of her nightgown, giving her goose bumps and making her feel some of what he described.

“I like it when you touch me, Sebastian. And I like
touching you. You feel so different from me.” Her hand stroked his collarbone, his warm throat. His flesh there was taut and silky smooth over hard bone and muscle.

Sebastian wrapped his fingers around hers and kissed her palm. Still holding her hand, he lifted it and moved her knuckles over his chin, his jaw. All the while, he watched her face closely. “Have you ever felt a man’s beard?”

The hot look in his eyes made it hard to speak, but she managed a nod. “My father’s.”

His chuckle was deep and intimate. “This is a little different, isn’t it?” He skimmed her hand over his upper lip, where a mustache would be in very few days if he didn’t shave. His breath felt warm against her palm.

Without conscious decision, she opened her hand and cupped his cheek. His own hands went to her waist, holding her loosely, leaving her free to do as she pleased, without his interference. In a breathless whisper, she said, “Yes, it’s different.”
And amazing and intriguing and exciting.
“You’re always so warm.”

He made a choked sound, then briefly pressed his face into her unruly hair. “I have a beautiful, sexy woman on my lap. It’s a wonder I’m not on fire.”

She didn’t pay any attention to his words. She wasn’t beautiful, only passably pretty, but he did make her feel sexy. Enthralled, she felt his jaw move as he spoke, as he swallowed. She watched his throat, trailed her fingertips there, feeling the coarseness of his beard stubble, the thickness of his neck, the steady beat of his pulse. She touched the hair at his nape, then touched it again. It felt cool and deliciously silky. “I never thought of men as having such soft hair.”

His eyes watched her, never blinking. “My beard is rough, but not the hair on the rest of my body.”

That slowed her, making her stomach tingle. It was a pleasant feeling, like a tickle deep and low inside her. She looked at his chest hair, dark and thick, covering his broad chest, circling his small brown nipples. She ran her tongue nervously along her lips, then decided to be daring. She reached out. Sebastian closed his eyes for a moment, then opened them again, pinning her. His nostrils flared on a deep breath and she spread both hands over his chest.

Hard and solid. Incredible heat. And a pounding heartbeat.

“Brandi?” His tone was coarse and low. “I like you touching me, sweetheart.”

She felt the drift of his warm breath as he spoke, and then she felt the hardness beneath her bottom and knew he had an erection. Curious, she looked up, meeting his gaze. He smiled, reassuring her with that look.

“I’m not going to move, and I won’t touch you unless you ask me to. But I’m a simple man who is very attracted to you. I can’t help my reactions.”

“I don’t think there’s anything simple about you.” She moved her hands to his upper arms, amazed at his bulk, at the way his muscles clenched and pulled without him seeming to move at all. Even using both hands, she couldn’t circle his biceps. He still reminded her of a mountain, all imposing, solid strength. And the heated look in his eyes often bordered on savage.

After a while, she really did feel comfortable touching him, and that surprised her. It seemed so natural to be here with him. And Sebastian, true to his
word, hadn’t moved, other than shifting slightly in his seat and breathing a little harder. She cupped his cheek again, drifted her fingers over the bridge of his nose, his brow. Then she touched his eyelids and watched them flutter shut. He held perfectly still.

“I like how you look at me, with your eyes half-closed.” Before she said it, she hadn’t known it was true. At first, his intensity had frightened her. Then she’d merely been cautious. But now, she supposed she was already getting used to it, the way he seemed to see into her thoughts, the way he looked at her as if no one else mattered. It made her feel special, but not threatened. Not anymore.

“What else do you like?”

She didn’t hesitate. “The way you smell.”

His eyes opened again. They encouraged her, and she leaned forward until she was very close to him, her nose nearly touching his throat. The scent of him was enough to make her toes curl. She nuzzled his throat, along his shoulder.