Unchanged (8 page)

When they reached the house Leah and Phillipa walked back to their homes, nearer to town than Eve's. Ahaziel, after exchanging a few parting pleasantries with Jocelyn—ignoring Eve completely—took off on foot through the woods. He walked regally, as if he didn't mind the distance ahead of him, his back straight and strong. Eve watched him go ruefully, lost in imaginings about how she would win him over.

As soon as the road took him out of sight she snapped back into herself and hurried inside. Esmond would be at the lighthouse, where thankfully he spent the better portion of every day and night, and Eve's mother was resting upstairs. She stopped in for a brief conversation, always concerned about her mother's weak disposition but powerless to do anything except deliver broths and teas. Sitting in the dim room by the bedside made her feel sad but she tried not to dwell on unpleasant things. Her mother would get well, of course.

Leaving her mother's bedside, Eve continued to her own room. She curled up on her bed and thought about Ahaziel. He was so unusual. She could easily imagine his strong, lean arms holding her at night. How wonderful life would be. If he asked to marry her, she'd insist they move somewhere far away. To the opposite ocean, perhaps. She'd never set foot in Oregon again. If Jocelyn wanted to see her he'd have to travel. As for her mother . . . Well, it would break Eve's heart, but sacrifices would have to be made in order to obtain freedom.

Footsteps sounded in the hall. Eve jerked awake. It was dark outside; she must have been asleep for hours.

The footsteps stopped just outside her door. She lay on her back, eyes closed as she feigned sleep. She tried to appear as sexless as possible. She kept her breathing low and even. She wanted him to go away. She wanted to scream.

Now the door was opening, now the footsteps were advancing into her room. She could hear the faint rustle of clothing as he undressed just enough to get his business done. Her chant was silent, the same every night:
Go away, go
away . . .

"I know you're awake, Eve," Esmond Havelock said. "You always are."

She didn't open her eyes but squeezed them even more tightly shut. As always, in the morning she would make herself pretend this never happened. For now she thought fiercely of marriage, of someone to take her away, of everything she might do to escape the perverse hand of the lightkeeper, her stepfather.

~

Eve was happy to see Ahaziel the next morning. She invited herself to sit with him and Jocelyn in the parlor while her brother ate his breakfast and nursed a hangover. She pretended not to care when Ahaziel ignored her. At least, he chose not to speak to her; she noticed his eyes turning discreetly to her again and again, and once or twice she found the courage to meet his hard gaze. They stared at each other in the moments Jocelyn gulped his orange juice or shoveled eggs into his mouth. Eve felt as if her heart were beating in her throat. It was difficult to look into his eyes for long.

After an hour or so Ahaziel and Jocelyn left. Alone, Eve felt deflated and humiliated. She resolved to make a better effort the next time Ahaziel called. She decided to organize lunch the next day and thought about inviting Leah and Phillipa, but dismissed the notion. They'd only get in the way. When Jocelyn came home in the evening, she informed him of her plans, her voice flighty and carefree, and suggested he might invite Ahaziel. Her brother agreed this sounded like a fine idea. Eve breathed with relief and went for a walk in the dusk, dreaming.

At lunch the next day the three of them sat in the parlor. Eve's nerves were electric, though she had composed herself as best she could. She pressed Jocelyn for town gossip and kept looking to Ahaziel in case he had anything to contribute, which he didn't.

Near the end of the meal Esmond entered the room, causing Eve's throat to constrict. He didn't look at her, however, which was a relief. Without seeming to notice Ahaziel, he ordered Jocelyn to follow him up to the lighthouse. Scowling, Jocelyn did so. Hardly able to believe her luck, Eve seized the opportunity to speak with Ahaziel alone.

She took a deep breath to calm her jumping nerves before addressing him. "Would you walk with me on the beach?" She didn't care whether he might think her too forward. If she didn't act there would be no hope for her.

For a moment he sat still as a statue, considering her dispassionately. Her face grew warm and it was all she could do to resist the urge to fidget. Finally he stood and said, "Of course." Her relief was cool and calming.

At last.

They didn't speak at first, but as soon as they reached the beach, surrounded by the volume of waves and wind, it seemed to Eve as if they could say anything, and if their words were a mistake they would simply dissolve into the tumult of nature. There was freedom down here, she thought, and a sense of being separate, outside the world and time. Or maybe that was just how she felt with Ahaziel.

"You are not happy here," he stated, breaking the wordlessness between them.

"No," Eve answered without hesitation, biting back anything else she might have divulged.

"You could leave."

Eve drew her eyebrows together. Was his suggestion a casual one, or did it hold a deeper meaning? Her stomach tightened at the thought of going away with him. He was so beautiful and strange she couldn't possibly feel interest for another man ever again. He couldn't leave here before she had touched his skin, before she had tasted his lips . . .

She realized he had stopped walking several paces behind her. She turned and his gaze leveled with hers. The corners of his lips were pulled in and she couldn't tell whether he was frowning in disapproval or suppressing a smirk. Something about his look shamed her and color rose in her pale cheeks. Nevertheless, he took her breath away. She felt full of hope and urgency. His power over her was endless. She would do anything he asked of her.

He reached out and took her hand. The thrill of his skin touching hers was enormous. Eve closed her eyes and let herself feel his warm fingers pressing against the knobs of her knuckles, his thumb nestled in her palm. After a moment she opened her eyes and sighed. He watched her so steadily, unmoved.

"I don't believe I could ever hide anything from you, Ahaziel," she said. "I don't know why my feelings for you are so strong, but you mustn't dismiss them lightly. Please."

Slowly, as if moving against his will, his free hand rose to the side of her face, his fingers brushing her skin with a feathery touch. Her lips opened. He leaned down, down, and then his mouth was upon hers. Eve felt herself opening up as his tongue delved her mouth, his hands clutching her waist.
Yes
, she thought.
Yes, it is happening at last
. . .

The kiss ended all too soon when he jerked back from her without warning. "Ahaziel . . . ," Eve sighed despairingly.

At the sound of his name he stepped away, his hands dropping from her waist. His stare had become one of carefully composed anger. "You are a very lovely girl, Eve," he told her with precision, "but you have no idea what is inside me. I cannot describe the depth of my darkness."

"There is darkness in me too, Ahaziel," Eve said quietly.

"I know." His voice was soft.

"You won't be able to ignore me, will you? You won't be able to stay away."

"I will never be away from you for long," he promised.

"I never want you to leave me. Oh, Ahaziel, can't you take me away with you? Anywhere—I'll go
anywhere
with you!"

He said, gravely, "Oh, girl, but you are sick with love." Strangely, he sounded almost triumphant.

~

Esmond Havelock was home for dinner that night, which was rare; he had usually headed off to the lighthouse by mealtime. Eve preferred to dine in private or with Jocelyn, and she remained coldly silent as the three of them sat down to the table. She kept her eyes on her plate, eating with controlled slowness, mentally straining toward the moment she could excuse herself.

Her stepfather was the first to speak. "I saw you from the lighthouse today," he told Eve. "You were walking with a boy. Who was it?" His tone was too casual, but there was a disturbing undertone of jealousy that sickened Eve so deeply she could barely force herself to keep eating.

Without looking up from her plate she replied, "It was Jocelyn's friend Ahaziel." She hoped he hadn't noticed them kissing.

"You were alone with him."

"Yes."

"Eve, I don't like the image you're portraying to this young man."

I don't care about your opinion
, she shrieked internally.
I don't care about anything you think! I wish I knew what to do to disgust you so deeply you'd never touch me again . . .

"There isn't anything to worry about," Jocelyn rapidly assured their stepfather. "We had all three planned a walk on the beach after lunch and I joined them as soon as I left the lighthouse."

"I didn't see you," Esmond said, frowning.

"I must have been back up against the rocks, not visible from the lighthouse. The wind was strong, as usual, and I wanted to keep out of it."

After a moment's silence, Esmond made an unintelligible noise to convey he was more or less satisfied with this explanation and the meal was finished without further conversation.
Thank you, Jocelyn
, Eve thought, briefly catching her brother's eye across the table. He may have acted shallow and dumb most of the time, but he knew when his sister needed him. He was a good brother, really. If only she could confide in him her biggest secret. If only she could confide it to
any
one . . .

Following dinner, Eve went to her room and gazed out the window at the road, hoping vainly Ahaziel would appear at any moment. After the kiss they had shared on the beach, she couldn't wait to be near him again.

She fell asleep on the windowsill, peacefully lulled by her fantasies of a blissful elopement with Ahaziel. Some hours later a noise in the hall startled her awake. She closed her eyes again as Esmond entered the room, praying her absence from the bed would deter him.

It didn't. He shook her shoulder and ordered her to the bed by pointing a firm finger at it. She didn't move. Angered, he jerked her up and forced her to lie down. As always she was stiff and unresponsive, shamed and afraid.

Afterward Eve cried plentiful tears. She decided she couldn't stay in her room. She left the house without bothering to be quiet about it. Outside the wind was strong, whistling and snapping with wild ferocity. It dried the tears on her face and whipped her hair straight back. She trudged against it until she reached the back of the house. She slumped to the ground against the outer wall, facing the trees. The light flashed every few seconds. Knowing who tended the light so carefully, she couldn't help but remember the night two years earlier that had changed her life in one horrible instant.

She hadn't known what Esmond wanted when he'd come into her room. She thought there must have been some kind of emergency with her mother, who had recently taken ill.

"I need a favor from you, Eve," Esmond had said.

"Of course," she'd innocently replied.

"Your mother is very sick," he'd explained, "and I am a man with a man's needs. You understand my meaning, don't you?"

She hadn't, but she'd nodded anyway. Only when he began to climb on top of her did she realize the truth. She tried to scream, hoping Jocelyn would come to her rescue, but Esmond's hand was firm over her mouth.

"Tell no one," he'd whispered fiercely. "The knowledge would kill your mother."

Eve had tried to tell her mother anyway, but she must not have found the proper words because her mother didn't seem to know what she was talking about. She felt alone and afraid. She'd felt the same ever since that night.

How had she so silently endured those past two years? How had she stayed strong enough? She didn't feel so strong now. She could willingly hike the half-mile down to the beach and swim and swim until she was too tired to go any further. Or she could go to the Point and fling herself off, her body dashing upon the rocks below . . .

Or she could get Ahaziel to marry her. But how was she supposed to convince him?

Her hands were numb, she realized. She could hardly bend her fingers. Her right arm ached as it always did in cold weather. How long had she been sitting outside? It didn't matter. Nothing would ever happen the way she had once dreamed. No man would marry such a ruined, melancholy girl. She wouldn't even meet a man, not when the town of Victoria was a long ride away from the isolation of the Point.

Still, there was Ahaziel. For some reason Eve had the sense he was putting himself to a lot of trouble for her.

She didn't know how long she sat there, curled against the house, before hands fell on her shoulders. They drew her up. Arms folded gently around her and lifted her off the ground. There was movement, traveling, bones and muscles hard across her body as someone clutched her carefully . . . Then she felt something soft against her back—a mattress, her bed. Eve straightened her legs and felt warmth begin to return to her. She opened her eyes. Ahaziel leaned over her.

She reached out and took his hand. He didn't draw it away. She didn't question his presence.

"Were you trying to kill yourself?" he asked. "I can't imagine why else you would go out on a freezing night wearing only your nightgown."