Unchanged (6 page)

"Thanks," I mumbled.

"Do you want to borrow some makeup?" she asked pleasantly.

I felt my expression harden with suspicion. "Why?"

She shrugged. "Just thought you might want to put on some lipstick or something. I have a lot of stuff in my bag. Mascara and all that."

"Oh," I said, feeling instantly ashamed. "All right." I wasn't used to people acting friendly for no reason. I always expected the worst of them. Like with Joy, who never had anything nice to say to me.

I didn't wear much makeup since nothing ever fully covered my birthmark, but I rummaged through the girl's bag anyway. I pulled out a tube of silver lipstick and slicked it on. Next I found a pot of glitter and dabbed some on my cheekbones and eyelids. I smiled into the mirror, liking the effect.

"I'm Mirain."

I stared, momentarily confused. The girl was introducing herself to me? Did she want to be friends? I managed a smile as I struggled to regain my composure. "Oh, yeah. From Drawing." She was the girl who had called my self-portrait sophisticated. "I'm Lilly. Um . . . thanks for the makeup."

"No problem."

"Are you . . . Who did you come with? To the dance."

"A couple of friends," Mirain replied nonchalantly. "You're here with Austin?"

"Yeah," I said, blushing. "I don't even know why he asked me. He hardly looks at me."

"Just be yourself."

I nodded silently, as if this was the best advice I had ever received. How did I begin to be myself around someone who would barely talk to me?

"See you later," I said, smiling at Mirain as I left the bathroom. I hoped I
would
see her. Ever since Chris had started dating Brandt, I'd felt lonely and betrayed. It was time for me to start hanging out with other people—past time. And I wouldn't just sit there in silence the next time Joy made a rude remark.

I wandered along the edge of the gym, looking for my group. Not seeing them anywhere, I felt a flash of fear that they'd abandoned me. I shouldn't have left them, I should have thought . . . Then I spotted them clustered near the folded bleachers, socializing with some other friends. A perky blonde cheerleader was flirting with Austin, tugging him towards the dance floor. I felt no jealousy as I began making my way towards them, determined to smile and have a good time. I wouldn't let my self-consciousness get the best of me.

Nearing the bleachers, I slowed when I spotted that familiar shadowed figure lurking in a corner. Ahaziel stepped forward and his features came into focus. So I hadn't imagined him. He was here. He had come looking for me. I felt the breath leave my body and my feet steered me in his direction. Why was I drawn to him even as I feared him? He was so different from the boys at school. But he wasn't a boy, I reminded myself. He was a man.

An image flashed in my mind: Ahaziel and I in some sort of enclosed space. Outside, but not. The crashing of the ocean. Cold air prickling my skin . . . I felt a surge of attraction so strong it frightened and embarrassed me. I struggled to withstand the weight of his eyes. His gaze was so intense and inscrutable.

"I'm sorry," I blurted, stopping a few feet from him. Mentally I smacked myself. Why had I felt the need to apologize?
He
was the creepy one. "What are you doing here?" I demanded. The music didn't seem as loud over here and I didn't have to raise my voice to be heard, but he didn't answer. He just kept staring, his eyes unfathomable. "What are you doing here?" I repeated, more shrilly this time. "Who
are
you?"

"I need you to remember," he said urgently.

"Remember
what
?"

"Lilly!"

I turned and saw Chris standing behind me. "Who are you talking to?"

Rolling my eyes, I glanced over my shoulder. Ahaziel had vanished, much to my surprise. Had I imagined him after all? What was happening to me?

"Er, no one," I answered awkwardly. "I was just . . . waiting for you guys."

"Oh. Well, we're leaving now. Are you coming? You have to come! This is going to be your birthday celebration!"

I nodded, still feeling uncertain as I grabbed my sweater and followed her out of the gym. The others waited by the car.

Austin's house was huge, much too big for a family of three, but it proved ideal for parties and hanging out, especially since his parents were never home. The basement was fully finished, furnished, and equipped with its own small kitchen. This was where we hung out whenever we went to Austin's house. Even when his parents were home, they never popped in to see what we were up to.

Only after we'd been driving a few minutes did I realize Austin's house was in the opposite direction from which we were headed.

"Where are we going?" I asked.

"To Havelock Point," Joy said, leaning forward from the back seat. "You gave me the idea yesterday, actually. Were you listening
at all
when we discussed this at the Blue Shrimp?"

Obviously not.

"I thought we were going to Austin's house," I said.

"We changed our minds."

"Why?" I demanded. I probably sounded unreasonably panicked, but to me, my panic felt perfectly rational.

"We're just going to have some drinks, cause a little trouble," Brandt assured me. "No big deal."

"We got some cupcakes earlier," Chris said. "They're in the trunk."

I had no idea when she'd had time to go to the store and get cupcakes without me knowing about it, but the thought of a sugary treat was strangely comforting to me. I relaxed in my seat and told myself I had nothing to worry about. My panic
was
unreasonable.

Havelock Point was fifteen miles outside of town by way of the snaking highway—it was actually a much shorter walk through the woods from most places in town, as I'd found out firsthand the other day. Two dark walls of trees loomed tall on either side of us as we sped toward it, curves in the road hiding whatever lay ahead. Soon we slowed and turned onto a long, tree-choked drive that took us up a steep, rough hill. The BMW's headlights provided the only illumination for miles. I shuddered, imagining horrors waiting within the surrounding forest. Imagining ghosts floating behind the windows of the house, beneath the roof.

Nothing to worry about, remember?

Austin turned down the music and parked, gravel crunching satisfyingly beneath the tires. When he killed the engine, all was silent except the brief slamming of car doors. The lightkeeper's house was just a dark, hulking silhouette against the sky until Brandt and Austin pointed flashlights at it, the feeble circles revealing only small portions of the house's facade.

"Oh, this isn't good," Chris mumbled.

"It'll be all right," I assured her optimistically. But I gave another involuntary shudder as the guys led us through the broken picket fence, flashlight beams dancing erratically. It would have to be all right if
I
was the one giving assurance.

The porch creaked beneath the weight of five people. We all held our breath as we went inside, straining to see through the thick gloom of the foyer. I huddled close behind Austin, fear causing me nearly to trip over my own feet.

"Go straight ahead," I advised him. "The living room is there."

It was an empty, open space, just as I'd remembered. Vague moonlight shone quietly through the windows onto the floorboards. I was starting to feel better about having come. The house was so dark and still, so silent, yet being there with my friends made my fears seem silly. The house wasn't ominous at all. It was just a house, albeit old and abandoned and drafty, after all.

"How did you know where the living room was?" Joy asked, tossing a duffel bag to the floor. I hadn't noticed her carrying it.

"Um, I don't know," I said. "I just sort of guessed." I was glad she didn't press me further.

"This is spooky," Chris said dourly.

Joy rummaged through the duffel bag, producing some blankets for us to ward off the chill. I doubted we'd need them, though. Austin had his own bag of warmth, filled with bottles pilfered from his parents' well-stocked cabinet of expensive liquor.

"Here, this will help," Austin said. He pulled out a bottle and handed it to Chris. She accepted, taking a reluctant sip, and passed it on. I only pretended to drink when it was my turn. I was beginning to feel uneasy again and wondered why I'd decided it was a good idea to come here after all. My fear of the house was coming back, much too strongly for my liking.

"Want a cupcake, Lilly?" Chris asked in a small voice.

I'd forgotten about my store-bought birthday cupcakes. I took one from her. I could see the pale mound of frosting rising off the top. I bit into it, taking pleasure in eating the chocolate treat under cover of darkness.

Brandt held his flashlight under his chin, demonic shadows forming on his features. "Are you
scared
yet?" he crooned. Chris jabbed him playfully with her elbow, but her expression looked pained.

"What's there to be scared of?" Austin asked. "It's only a dark, creaky, dilapidated old house that's probably haunted."

I laughed, pretending I wasn't creeped out, and inched closer to him. Mainly for warmth, but when he wound an arm around my shoulders I knew he was thinking something else. I licked frosting off my fingers and tried not to encourage him further.

"And the floor will probably collapse under one of us," Joy added.

"And we'll discover something horrific in a secret basement." Austin glanced sideways at me. "I watch a lot of horror movies," he explained. I smiled. I hadn't known him to make jokes very often, but I liked finding out he had a sense of humor.

"Aren't we trespassing?" Chris wondered shakily.

"That's a stupid question," Joy scoffed. "Of course we are."

"Are there any spirits in the house?" Brandt called maniacally.

The bottle made another round. I took a real sip this time and then closed my eyes so tightly colors began to dance before my eyes. Like flames, I thought. A big orange fire. From behind my closed eyelids, I stared at them, transfixed. I could almost feel their heat.

My eyes shot open. I could still see the flames, larger and angrier than I had imagined. I was alone, and frantic.

I knew I would die.

A loud crash from somewhere in the house sent me scrambling to my feet. I heard Chris screaming and it was then I understood the house was not burning down after all. But what had happened? I stood rooted in place, afraid to move, as the others scrambled around me. I felt a swift, chilling breeze on my face. The darkness was complete. Even the moon had retreated behind the clouds. I stretched my hands out, trying to find an anchor.

"I think something collapsed—part of the roof—," Brandt panted.

"Brandt! Turn on your flashlight!" Chris shrieked from another room.

"It's not working, okay?"

"Aren't there any lights in this place?" Joy's voice, too, sounded far away.

I was alone when the light washed over my face. It was a subtle blue light, the calming light of the moon. I blinked, my eyes sweeping the room as they adjusted to the new glow. Then I froze at the sight of a man's silhouette in a doorway that formed a darker rectangle around him. I recognized the silhouette, of course. How long had he been in the house? Had he followed us? Had he been watching us?

Of course he had, I told myself.

He was looking at me steadily. He was here, I assumed, to finish whatever he'd started at the dance and I didn't feel a trace of outrage or fear, only curiosity.

Also, a slight buzz of pleasure.

"You're following me," I said. "You're stalking me." My tone wasn't even accusatory.

I stood still as he stepped closer to me. When he stopped, just inches away, I allowed myself to glance up into his eyes. I had thought them unfathomable but from this short distance, even in the dark, I could discern a turmoil of emotions within him. Passion, hatred, love and sadness warred with one another. I recoiled from their intensity. I hadn't known such emotions could exist so strongly. They terrified me.

He hates me
, I thought. My heart beat frantically and I felt ashamed. I didn't know why. I hadn't done anything wrong.

"I . . . I saw you," I said. "In town, outside the Blue Shrimp. And then tonight at the dance. You
were
following me, weren't you?"

"Yes."

"Why? Why do you . . . stare at me? You make me think . . ." I trailed off, not wanting him to know how insecure I felt about my birthmark. I didn't want to appear weak or pathetic, not in front of him.

He replied, softly, "I stare at you because I can't help myself."

What did he mean? Did he think I was ugly, or beautiful? I couldn't tell. His eyes never flickered, so sure was he in his scrutiny of me.

My body shook with a shiver. I adjusted my sweater. "Could you . . . show me around?" I asked. I had no idea why I thought it would be appropriate to go anywhere in the house, especially when it frightened me and part of the roof had allegedly collapsed.

"Of course," he said, as if my request wasn't anything out of the ordinary.

I could no longer hear the voices of the others. Maybe they'd gone outside. Or they'd left me behind in another dimension, where reality was just slightly skewed. The house seemed different now, at night, with just me and Ahaziel. Emptier, of course. Eerier. The quality of light seemed to have changed, though maybe my eyes had gotten more accustomed to it. I thought I could hear the wind whisking in through the foyer windows and gaps around the doors. I could almost feel ghosts brushing my skin.