Unchosen (Chosen #2) (3 page)

THREE

That afternoon, I took the train home and raced to my car to stay clear of the windy leaves and dirt that circled around the parking lot. I sat in the driver’s seat, feeling desperately hollow. This was my life. Train in and train out.
Niall at night. Repeat. I thought about the last time I saw Teagan. Why didn’t he ever reach out and call me after he went back to Ireland? I know I was the one that told him to leave me alone but I wished he hadn’t listened to me. His absence still left me feeling utterly bereft. I wondered what he was doing at that moment. I wondered if he was still with his forever girlfriend, Moira. I wondered how it would have been if he had stayed and raised Niall together. Almost a year later and I was still so hung up on the one man that would never give me or my son a future as a partner or a father.

I started to cry again.  I was so tired of crying for him. I was so tired of the idea of him.  I turned the key in the ignition and wiped away my tears. It didn’t matter. This was my life. I was making something for myself and my baby. Love didn’t matter anymore.

I walked into my mother’s house ten minutes later to find a beautiful sleeping baby nestled against my mother’s chest. She was humming a melody and looking down at him with pride. When she spotted me, she mouthed, “He just fell asleep.” I nodded and headed to the kitchen for a glass of water. After a few minutes, she joined me sans Niall and asked how my day was. I told her about my lunch with Nick. It was, after all, the most exciting thing that had happened to me downtown in a long time. She knowingly smiled bright at me and I rolled my eyes.

“Yes, he was attractive, Mom. But, I am a mother now. And I am not over…” She abruptly stood up and her Mom game face was on.

“Do not even say the words you were going to say. Enough is enough, Lizzie. He is gone. It is time to move on. Don’t you see that anyone that gets to know you a just a tiny bit will see the beautiful and hardworking person you are,” she admonished me as she gently put her hand on my shoulder.

I shrugged in defeat and headed into the living room to pack up Niall to head back to my apartment. My parents had leased it out for me three weeks after Niall was born. I begged my parents to let me stay with them, but they insisted I would eventually like having my own space. More like, they wanted their own space back.

Now that Conner was traveling a lot, he was hardly home. He didn’t get an apartment for that reason, too. He would come home, shower, pack up and go for a few days. I had yet to find my apartment as comforting as my parent’s house and I longed for adult interaction at nights. It was a good thing I had cable TV and ice cream. Some nights were worse than others but I was putting one foot in front of the other and trying to like my place. The other option was to pull my hair out and sob. Some nights, I did that, too.

Two days later, I found myself at
Your Soupy Salad. It wasn’t my favorite place in the city to eat by any means but something about my conversation with Nick was intriguing. I wanted to see him again and I thought to stage a meet cute setup. I was sure I would run into him again if I went to the bistro. For nearly six months, my dreams were constantly about Teagan but last night’s dream was all Nick. I was able to lucidly dream, which I love because when I woke up I was able to go right back into our moaning hot kiss. I couldn’t stop thinking about him and his smile. I thought about his laugh and his pensive expression. I had learned a lot about Nick in an hour. Even as I hummed Niall to sleep at one thirty in the morning, I questioned whether I would contact him. He did suggest a phone call.

I was in line, ordering my half sandwich and corn chowder, when I quickly scanned the dining room and spotted him at a corner table with a guy my age. It was then that I realized that Nick had to be at least five years older than me. He was probably closer to thirty years old because the guy across from him looked much younger and less mature in his posture. When Nick moved to take a bite of his sandwich, I gaped at the beautiful blonde he was sitting next to in the booth. I couldn’t move. My eyes were fixed on their interaction. She had her hand on his thigh and he moved a piece of her hair to her back with a careful hand. They were smiling and flirting. I wanted to puke. They looked like high class society, dressed so professionally stylish. They demanded attention from everyone. That much was obvious to me.

This Nick was not the Nick I had met yesterday. I didn’t hear the people griping at me to move forward in the line until someone actually nudged me. This had been a horrible idea. What was I thinking? I looked down at my black maternity pants and gray sweater that hardly covered my stomach. My face decided to break out in pimple heaven that morning and I had totally forgotten about it until now. I wasn’t even in Nick’s league to be his friend. He must have a good paying job to afford those clothes and that blonde. So why was he eating at this place?

I quickly told the cashier my order, handed over the credit card to process and moved down the line inconspicuously. I kept my head down and never looked in Nick’s direction once. I grabbed my to-go bag and swiftly walked towards the door. “Lizzie?” Nick’s voice came from behind me. Shit, fuck, bloody hell, mother fucking shit.

I turned around slowly and put on my surprised face. “Hi!” I squeaked. I waved my hand like I had motor skill problems.

“Hey, how are you?” Nick asked. He looked me up and down. His smile brightened and I crumbled into a molten mess of lust. I cleared my throat and my eyes dodged around the bistro, trying to keep myself from blushing.

“Great! You know, just heading back to the office. Someone’s got to do it,” I replied, holding up my bag.
Someone’s got to do it? Do what? That’s enough with the fucking clichés, Lizzie. Was it possible for me to be more absurd?

“Cool.” He drew out the word, questioning my answer with a concerned look. That bombshell blonde came up beside him and smiled at me. He noticed her then and quickly made introductions. “Lizzie, this is Claudia, my girlfriend.” Shit, shit, shit. I turned my body slightly to face Claudia and waved my hand, giving her a quick smile.

“Nice to meet you! Well, I have a report due in thirty, so I… have to…gotta get back to work and make the money because I’m the breadwinner.” I inwardly rolled my eyes at myself and tried to gain back any of my dignity. “It’s got to be way past my lunch break. Wow, look at the time. I am sure they need me right now. There is nothing like being needed!”

I clamped my mouth shut as they both peered at me with a blank look.
I needed to stop fucking talking is what I needed to do.
I turned around and literally sprinted out the door. I walked briskly away with my heart pounding in my throat. I really hope they hadn’t noticed my pimples. That “chance” meeting was dreadful enough without involving acne.

I was expecting a repeat lunch performance from yesterday but instead it felt like I had just found out again that Teagan had a girlfriend all along. That had hurt after he and I had gotten so close. Nick was different to me, though. He was hot. Although I had a cheesy ass dream about him spinning me around in the middle of the Boston Commons, we would only ever be friends and even that was doubtful at this point. It was pretty dense of me to ever think a guy like Nick would even be interested in me. I just had a baby and I was still showing. My vagina was altered forever and I am sure that Claudia probably kept hers so fresh and so clean.

No guy falls for women with children unless they are super awesome motorcyclists in a movie called Erin Brockovich. It happened that
one time.
I watched that movie twice in one day right before I applied to my job because her character was an inspiration to me. But Julia Roberts, I was not. Drowning in the let down phase of an adrenaline rush, I went back to my office to return calls to all the clients that were losing money in the stock market. I would diligently listen to them with great compassion because at this moment I understood anxiety and insecurity. Today, I had expectations, however outlandish they were. I believed that I was attractive enough to make a friend outside of my small world. Big mistake. Going forward, I would focus on work and I would never eat lunch again. Chuckling at the absurdity of that thought, I decided the best solution was to never go back to The Soupy Salad again.  Problem fixed.

That afternoon, I took the train home and thought of Teagan again. I thought about the day he gave me the Claddagh necklace which was the same day I felt we made love for the first time. We had sex before then but the weekend he called me his girlfriend to all my friends. I knew I was in love with him. In his own way, I think he did love me back. I turned on my CD player and listened to David Gray and cried in the back corner seat. I was pitiful. I had to start listening to my mother’s words of wisdom and move on. I had a good life without Teagan in it. I was a caring mother and I was successful at my job. The million little pieces he had broken my heart into were slowly being glued back together. It clicked in that moment. I was done with heartache. I was tougher than love. Teagan was gone forever and I was still living.

Consciously immune to attraction, I would stay the hell away from any romantic relationship for the rest of my life. I would go see a therapist this week and gather the tools to achieve my new goal of never having feelings for another man ever again.

FOUR

THREE WEEKS LATER

My therapist was really good. I saw her once. She told me that I should have more guy friends. I told her I would never fall in love again. She told me that I had no control over the people I fall in love with. I told her that was stupid. She asked me why I felt that way. I told her that love hurts more than anything in the world. So, we decided that I should find some mature friends who might otherwise be in romantic relationships. They wouldn’t require much time and it was like double protection to my heart, which was now under lockdown. No tears in three weeks. I felt I deserved a ribbon or a trophy.

There was something about meeting Nick and his girlfriend that compelled me to think that I could be a laid back friend to him. He had given me his business card. Obviously, he wanted to be friends on some level. I was lonely and, if nothing else, I missed looking at the man. Three weeks was a long time to act nonchalant about our chance meeting. I didn’t want to look desperate in my new feat to meet new people.

So Nick, specifically, was the one on my mind when I walked through the city during the day. I looked for him in the lines at lunch and at the bus station. I had no idea where he lived or how he spent his days but with each day that passed, I wanted to connect with him. It wouldn’t sound so desperate because he had asked me to email if I was having any technical issues with my computer. It just so
happened a computer virus hit the company one morning and all the advisors were asked to update their software to include an antivirus application. I thought of Nick and his card. This was it. A great excuse to reach out and not look like a desperate female friend.  I took the card out of my drawer and laid it on my desk. I stared at it for three minutes, shook my head, and then headed out to get some coffee. Twenty minutes later, I was perusing a financial prospectus for a mutual fund and the damn card was so distracting that I wanted to scream. Screw it. I threw the prospectus down and opened up my email.

To: Nick Sawyer

From: Lizzie O’Malley

Subject: Girl from lunch needs advice about software

Hey Nick,

Good to meet you and your girlfriend the other day. My office was hit with a virus while I was on leave and I need a good antivirus program to download. Ideas?

Thanks,

Lizzie O’Malley

I hesitated and reread the email ten times before I hit send. I headed to the coffee machine to get my obligatory afternoon caffeine boost. My body rejected any other liquid at that time of day. When I sat back down at my desk, I saw I already had an email from Nick. Wow, instant friends. I was beaming at the screen as I opened it.

To: Lizzie O’Malley

From: Nick Sawyer

Subject: Advice for Software

Lizzie,

There are a lot of great programs out there. Depending on your budget, you can download VVX or if you want cheap, go with DVU. Both can be found on search engines.

Good luck! Have a great day!

Nick

“Huh,” I grunted. I stared blankly at the screen and repeated my reaction. I guess he
was
just being cordial when we had lunch because that was the blandest, most yawn inspiring email I had ever read in my life. I quickly deleted the email while I took a second mental note to never ever to step foot in that bistro. I ripped up his card and threw the dozens of small pieces in the trash.

I called my mother to check in on Niall. She didn’t answer. Nap time, probably. I sighed. Life certainly had its boring moments. I finished out the day, making the day trades from the morning and listening to the local radio station stream through my computer. The antivirus software I chose was
selected from a top rated software website. Screw all men especially the beautiful, boring ones.

The next day, I went into work on three hours sleep from the night before. I was up at eleven, one, three, and five. I ended up drooling all over Niall. Sometime in the past three days, Niall had decided days were nights and nights were days. I told my mother yesterday that she was letting him sleep too much during the day, which made her mad as hell. She told me I could find another sitter if I was displeased with her services. After her verbal lashing, she ran up the stairs in a huff. I reminded myself that I needed to bring flowers home. When I dropped Niall off with flowers in hand, my mom took the baby and the flowers in for
a snuggle and I laughed at her. There was no replacement for my mother’s love.

When I got to work, I grabbed a cup of coffee, scorching my tongue as I downed it. Then I got the second cup immediately after. The bags under my eyes would not deter me from making money today. I would be on my game.
For Niall. If we were financially set and had a home, maybe I would find someone that could help my mom part time. I was such a bitch for saying those things to her and she didn’t deserve it. I sighed and opened my email. I perused the crap mail and looked at the company memos. When I hit refresh before I minimized the window, an email from Nick popped up.

To: Lizzie O’Malley

From: Nick Sawyer – Personal Account

Subject: Emailing is fun.

Lizzie,

Sorry for the extremely boring email yesterday. I am normally much more exciting about computer viruses but I chose to email personally from my personal account. How are you? It was good to see you, too. To be honest, the bistro has turned into my favorite dining establishment. Claudia? She didn’t like it so much. Hope your little one is well.

Talk soon?   I hope so. Nick

Well, shit. That was unexpected. An array of emotions came over me as I read and reread the email. Nick was from Texas and he had a girlfriend. If I responded, I would just be a pal. That was my goal. Then I thought about that damned white collared shirt he wore the first day we met and a hot flash flushed all over my body. Damn. I wanted him as more than a friend but no, I was not looking for love. I was looking for friendship only. Thinking of Nick in any capacity besides platonic fun was brainless. He was a beautiful and professional man with a free life. I was a frumpy single mother devoted to a man that still wore diapers and threw up on me daily. . Oh, the hell with it. I had decided I was done with Teagan and making friends was what I needed to feel normal again. I craved to be normal.

I hit the reply key. Oh, shit. Not from work. I had set up a personal email account for this reason. My friends would be able to email me through my personal account. I had already emailed a lot of them the night before and they were excited to hear about Niall. I clicked on the email page and composed a new email to Nick.

To: Nick Sawyer

From: Lizzie O’Malley

Subject: Personal?

Hey Nick,

This is from my personal account as well. Thanks for emailing me. It was nice of you to bring up my son, Niall. He keeps me up at night but it is hard to get mad at such a cute face. So I am running on coffee and trail mix.

I have decided to try out some other lunch spots closer to my work. The days are cold for the season.
Burr. What are you up to this weekend? I see a lot of feedings and diaper changes in my future.

Have a great day.

Lizzie

I sat back in my chair and did a little dance. I don’t know why. Maybe it was because of the tiresome and mundane tasks that I did day after day after day. This emailing thing with friends was just something for me. It was exciting and entertaining. It sparked the individual in me that I felt I had lost. I was a person. I was someone. An email popped up just as I was getting up for my next cup of coffee.

To: Lizzie O’Malley

From: Nick Sawyer

Subject: Personal?

Hey Lizzie, Sounds like you are tired. I, myself, got eight hours of uninterrupted sleep last night and feel quite refreshed. I am off to see a band called Phish. Have you ever heard of them? They are playing a double show so I am psyched about that. Sorry I haven’t seen you at the bistro. Maybe I can venture over to your neck of the city for food one day.

Nick

I was shocked as I read and re-read the email. It was so crazy; I shook my head in amazement.  Phish was the first band I saw in concert. It was a weekend event and it was catalogued as one of the best weekends in my life.  The camping and music festival was a free for all. I sat back in my chair and closed my eyes. The ocean at Old Orchard Beach, Maine, hanging out with my best friends and really enjoying life was exhilarating when I was a junior in high school. That was living.
Friends, music, and nature. I opened my eyes and thought of Nick.
So that is why he moved here from Texas?
Well, no shock there. I am sure Phish hasn’t played in the Deep South much.

I clicked reply.

To: Nick Sawyer

From: Lizzie O’Malley

Subject: Re: Personal?

Nick,

Two words:

Mango.
Song.

Phish was my first concert ever. I am from Maine. I have seen probably twenty shows. Tell Fishman I said hi!

Lizzie

I got up from my desk and found my boss looking over reports. He smiled at me as I walked passed him and went straight for the java. I wasn’t in the mood to talk. I just wanted peace. I needed to tackle work and find a productive groove today. If I could only tamper down the excitement about emailing with Nick, I would definitely be working hard. Really hard. I sat down at my desk and saw another email from Nick on my screen. Wow, quick emailing.

To: Lizzie O’Malley

From: Nick Sawyer

Subject: Proposal

Lizzie,

Marry me? You are the girl after my own heart.

Nick

Wow. What? Wait, he, he wait…what the fuck?
Marriage? I knew he was being facetious but how was I supposed to respond to that? I mulled it over until I decided not to respond. I quickly deleted the message and cleared it from the deleted file. I shut the window down and swiveled to look out my window over the high rise buildings and the sun trying to shine through. That email was kind of harsh because I think I did want to be someone’s wife. Based on my state of mind in this moment, hypocritical as it may sound, my reply would have been, “Yes, please. Take care of me and my baby. Be the man Teagan never was.”