Uncle John's Ahh-Inspiring Bathroom Reader (36 page)

Bill Murray and Gilda Radner, who dated on and off during
SNL
's previous years, now couldn't stand each other. In fact, Murray couldn't stand anything about the show—the writers, the cast, his parts—and spent most of his time launching tirades. Laraine Newman and Garrett Morris were both battling depression, drug addictions, and the realization that Hollywood didn't want them. Lorne Michaels was also exhausted, and when contract negotiations broke down for a sixth season, he quit.

Things looked bad for
Saturday Night Live.
Could it get worse? Turn to page 309 for Part III of the story
.

Random comic quips from some of today's best comedians
.

“My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands. Two of them were just napping.”

—Rita Rudner

“I celebrated last Thanksgiving in an old-fashioned way. I invited everyone in my neighborhood to my house, we had an enormous feast, and then I killed them and took their land.”

—Jon Stewart

“I had a friend who was a clown. When he died, all his friends went to the funeral in one car.”

—Steven Wright

“I'm paranoid. On my stationary bike I have a rear-view mirror.”

—Richard Lewis

“The guy who invented the hokey-pokey just died. It was a weird funeral. First, they put his left leg in…”

—Irv Gilman

“Two guys walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.”

—Daniel Lybra

“I used to work at the unemployment office. I hated that job because when they fired me, I still had to show up at work the next day.”

—Wally Wong

“When I was a kid, I couldn't wait for the first snowfall. I would run to the door and yell, ‘Let me in! Let me in!'”

—Emo Philips

“Doesn't Prince Charles look like somebody kissed a frog, and it hasn't changed all the way?”

—Wendy Liebman

“Dogs hate it when you blow in their face. I'll tell you who really hates that, my grandmother. Which is odd, because when we're driving she loves to hang her head out the window.”

—Ellen DeGeneres

“During the summer I like to go to the beach and make sand castles out of cement… and wait for kids to run by and try to kick them over.”

—James Leemer

It's a game of virtual cat and mouse: smart alecks put crazy items up for auction on eBay and eBay pulls them off the site. Here are a few of our favorites. (The winning bids are at the end.)

I
TEM:
A date

DESCRIPTION:
“With our co-worker Brady!!! He drives a Miata!!!”

OPENING BID:
50¢

ITEM:
Frog purse, made from a real frog

DESCRIPTION:
“Be the first person on your block to own a coin purse made out of most of a frog. Rest assured, you'll never be asked for spare change again.”

OPENING BID:
$1

ITEM:
A picture of my butt

DESCRIPTION:
“I'm a sexy guy from Florida, you know you want this, you pay shipping if out of USA.”

OPENING BID:
75¢

ITEM:
The right to legally represent a plaintiff in a lawsuit over a piece of “tainted” string cheese

DESCRIPTION:
“A strand of hair is completely embedded in the cheese cylinder.”

OPENING BID:
$500

ITEM:
One pound real Arkansas Civil War dirt

DESCRIPTION:
“100% guaranteed to be from the Civil War era. Comes with certificate of authenticity if desired.”

OPENING BID:
$1

ITEM:
“Stuff I found in my couch about an hour ago”

DESCRIPTION:
Includes one pack of Big Red gum, one machine-threaded screw, 80¢ in change, two rubber bands—“one needs a little restoration.”

OPENING BID:
80¢

ITEM:
The sun

DESCRIPTION:
“Own your very own ball of incredibly hot gas! Payment in cash only. Buyer collects.”

OPENING BID:
$10 million

ITEM:
Pocket lint

DESCRIPTION:
“Trust me, you don't want this.”

OPENING BID:
$12

ITEM:
“Put a tattoo on my forehead for one year”

DESCRIPTION:
“You must be asking why I would allow someone to tattoo my forehead. My wife and I would like to pay off our car and other bills, plus have enough money left over so I could attend school.”

OPENING BID:
$33,200

ITEM:
Bridal wedding gown

DESCRIPTION:
“Very soiled and spotted.”

OPENING BID:
99¢

ITEM:
“Semi-new” teriyaki vegetables and rice snack

DESCRIPTION:
“M'mm. After I finished preparing the snack I realized I wasn't so hungry anymore.”

OPENING BID:
25¢

ITEM:
WWII novelty Hitler pincushion

DESCRIPTION:
“Stick the pins in his butt. A great collectible!”

OPENING BID:
$1

ITEM:
Francis D. Cornworth's virginity

DESCRIPTION:
“I figured with the latest eBay craze, I'd see exactly how much I could get for my virginity. I live in Miami, FL. If you live in Florida, I could probably meet you halfway up to Orlando. Otherwise you'll have to arrange to meet me.”

OPENING BID:
$10

ITEM:
“My conscience”

DESCRIPTION:
“I'm selling it, 'cause I don't want or need it.”

OPENING BID:
$5

ITEM:
Melissa's booger—fresh from the pickin'!

DESCRIPTION:
“Comes straight from the nostril to your home in less than two days. Free shipping.”

OPENING BID:
1¢

ITEM:
Muhammad Ali's broken-jaw X-ray

DESCRIPTION:
“Used to determine the extent of his injuries following his bout with Ken Norton.”

OPENING BID:
$9.99

ITEM:
Set of 50 “antique” prosthetic eyeballs

DESCRIPTION:
“Lifelike detail; the veins in the eyes are stunning!”

OPENING BID:
$50

ITEM:
The raft Elian Gonzalez's family used to flee Cuba

DESCRIPTION:
“A genuine piece of American history…sure to be a big moneymaker!”

OPENING BID:
$20

ITEM:
Cadaver bag

DESCRIPTION:
“This bag is new, never used. I would have to be a sick freak to sell these used.”

OPENING BID:
$15

Brady:
$6.19

Frog purse:
$5.50

Butt picture:
$1

String cheese:
No takers

Dirt:
$2.75

Couch stuff:
$3.06

The sun:
No takers

Pocket lint:
$10 million

Tattoo:
No takers

Wedding dress:
$15.50

Teriyaki snack:
No takers

Hitler doll:
No takers

Virginity:
$10 million

Conscience:
No takers

Booger:
1¢

Ali's X-ray:
$255.01

Bag of eyeballs:
$613

Elian's raft:
$280 (minimum not met)

Cadaver bag:
$15

Does dealing with death and destruction on a daily basis make men loose with language? Apparently, yes. Here are a few colorful examples of wartime slang
.

EGG BEATER

Helicopter. (Korean War)

GIVE A DIRTY ORB

To give a dirty look. (World War II)

CEILING WORK

High-altitude planes protecting airmen at lower levels. (World War I)

BOOM-BOOM GIRL

Prostitute. (Vietnam War)

HOT SKINNY

Rumors about important things. (Vietnam War)

LATRINE TELEGRAM

A rumored report. (World War II)

PLUTONIUM WINE

Moonshine brewed on a nuclear submarine. (Cold War)

BRAIN BUCKET

A helmet. (Korean War)

BONE JAR

Meaning “hello,” a corruption of the French
bonjour
. (World War I)

MESSY BUCKET

“Thank you.”

From the French
merci beaucoup
, “many thanks.” (World War I)

AGONY WAGON

Ambulance. (WWII)

DEEP KIMCHI

In serious trouble.
Kimchi
is a Korean cabbage dish. (Korean War)

DINKY DAU

Crazy. From the Vietnamese
dien cai dau
, “ridiculous.” (Vietnam War)

BEHAVIOR REPORT

A love letter reply. (World War II)

SMOKE A THERMOMETER

To have your temperature taken. (World War I)

BOTTLED SUNSHINE

Beer. (World War II)

BOUGHT GUTS

Courage inspired by too much bottled sunshine. (World War II)

TWIST A DIZZY

To roll a cigarette. (World War II)

COMPLETELY CHEESED

Extremely bored. (World War II)

APPLESAUCE ENEMA

Mild and gentle criticism of a subordinate so he feels less “chewed out.” (Vietnam War)

BIG PICKLE

The atomic bomb. (Korean War)

A fable is a story with a moral. Here's one that comes from Africa
.

O
ne day an ant found a grain of corn and decided to take it home. He held it very tight and hurried as fast as he could, so that nothing would take the grain of corn from him.

There was a pond on the way home. The ant had forgotten about the pond, and he fell into it, corn and all. The corn slipped from his mouth and went to the bottom of the pond. The ant managed to stay on top of the water and struggled to find a place to get out. He began to fear that his strength would be exhausted before he could get out and that he would drown.

Suddenly a pigeon came down to the pond to drink, and when she saw the ant putting up a desperate struggle, she decided she would help the little fellow. She took a long, dry piece of grass and dropped it so that it fell near the ant. He climbed onto the grass and soon got out. The ant took a long breath and then he thanked the pigeon for saving him.