Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader Wonderful World of Odd (26 page)

Several years ago, Uncle John mentioned his peculiar hobby to a friend, who admitted having the same addiction to celluloid crap. How many other lovers of the lame are out there? Apparently a lot. In 2000 they created an organization called the Bad Film Society and scheduled a screening of
Frankenstein’s Daughter
(1958)
.
That showing drew quite a crowd, so two months later they ran
Bela Lugosi Meets a Brooklyn Gorilla
(1952) to even wider acclaim. And they’ve been showing bad movies about every other month ever since.

The Society keeps the definition of “bad film” as broad as possible. “That includes weird sequels like
Airport 75
, the worst of Drew Barrymore and Christina Ricci, the later films of Joan Crawford and Bette Davis, and the classic
Shakes the Clown,
starring Bobcat Goldthwait,” says BFS co-founder Ed Polish. TV shows and made-for-TV movies count, too. The Society recently viewed “Soul Club,” an episode of
The Partridge Family
in which the Partridges help Richard Pryor and Louis Gossett, Jr. save a community club from being shut down by a loan shark by filling in for the Motown
act The Temptations at a charity concert. (Who says David Cassidy and Danny Bonaduce don’t have soul?)

TWO THUMBS
WAY
DOWN

If you’re interested in sharing your love of
Cobra Woman, Viva Knievel!
and
The Catskill Chainsaw Redemption
with others, consider starting a chapter of the Bad Film Society in your town. Here are some society-tested films for you consider for your screenings:

•
The Horror of Party Beach
(1964). Remember those 1960s “Beach Party” films starring Frankie Avalon and Annette Funicello? Now imagine a ship dumping nuclear waste offshore, and radioactive monsters emerging from the depths to eat the beach bunnies and surfer boys. And then imagine all of the carnage set to surf music…and you get
The Horror of Party Beach,
also billed as “The First Horror Musical!”

•
The Tingler
(1959). A coroner (Vincent Price) discovers a creature that lives in people’s spines and grows by—literally—feeding on their fears. This film’s claim to fame is the sneaky technique the producers used to goose the audience during the scary parts in the film—they hid electric buzzers under a few seats in theaters where the film was being shown, and set them off whenever they wanted the audience to scream.

•
Eegah!
(1963) Richard Kiel, best known for his portrayal of the giant “Jaws” in James Bond movies of the 1970s, plays Eegah, a stone-age caveman who somehow survives into the 1960s and falls in love with a teenage girl.

•
Turist Ömer Uzay Yolunda
(1973). Better known as the “Turkish
Star Trek
,” this film is a low-budget Turkish rip-off of the classic TV series. Plot of the story: “The
Enterprise
picks up a Turkish hobo.” If you can’t find it under its original title, sometimes it’s sold under the name “Ömer the Tourist in
Star Trek
.”

•
Rock ’n’ Roll Wrestling Women vs. the Aztec Ape
(1963). Another foreign classic, this time from Mexico: A mad scientist with an ape-brained human sidekick named Gomar kidnaps women for use as guinea pigs in brain-transplant experiments. Everything goes swimmingly until he kidnaps the sister of Golden Venus, a famous female wrestling star. When the sister dies on his operating table, Golden Venus and her friend Golden Ruby swear
revenge on the mad scientist. He fights back by creating Vendetta, a monster who poses as a wrestler to battle Venus and Ruby in the ring.

•
For Your Height Only
(1979). A Philippine James Bond-style film starring a midget named Weng-Weng as Agent 00. Standing only 2'9" inches tall, Weng-Weng is believed to be the shortest person ever to star in a feature film. (Verne Troyer, who plays Mini-Me in the
Austin Powers
films, is an inch shorter, but has played only co-starring roles.)

•
Horror of the Blood Monsters
(1970). Footage from three unrelated films was slapped together to make this dud, which was released under several different titles, including
Creatures of the Prehistoric Planet, Horror Creatures of the Lost Planet,
and
Space Mission of the Lost Planet.
The plot—to the extent that there actually is one—involves a trip to a faraway planet to trace the origins of an intergalactic vampire plague that has spread to the Earth. Hollywood legend John Carradine stars in the film. How did he justify accepting a role in this and many other terrible films over the years? “I made some of the greatest films ever made,” he once explained, “and a lot of crap, too.”

*       *       *

We found these spells in books on witchcraft in the Paranormal Wing of the BRI library. (Really.) Proceed at your own risk.

•
To keep the “spice” alive in a marriage
:
Take some of your own nail clippings and mix them with your spouse’s. Burn them together at midnight.

•
To cure infertility
:
Borrow a (clean) diaper from a friend who has a baby. Tie the diaper onto the infertile woman like a bikini bottom, and drop a gemstone into the front of it.

•
To give someone the mind of a frog
:
Point to the person and say “Higady, pigady, pong! I give you the mind of a frog.”

The only things known to really help you lose weight are diet and exercise. But they’re
so
hard. And
so
boring. Magic pants are better.

M
AGIC TIGHTS WEIGHT LOSS

Embedded into the fabric of the “Slim Fit 20 Caffeine Tights” are tiny capsules of caffeine. When the caffeine comes into contact with the skin, the body absorbs it, where it supposedly stimulates metabolism, burns fat, and tightens leg muscles. The manufacturer, a British company called Palmers, promises that if the tights (which cost $50 for a pack of three pair) are worn for a whole month, about an inch in diameter can be lost from each leg.

CLAmor is sprayed onto food. It contains a chemical called “clarinol” that’s thought to shrink fat cells. When the clarinol-sprayed food is eaten, it reduces fat on the food
and
fat that’s already inside the body. It comes in four flavors: butter, olive oil, garlic, and plain. So what is clarinol? CLAmor, the name of the product and the company, says that it’s a naturally occurring bacteria found in the stomach of cows. It’s “harvested” from fried ground beef.

A magic pill called Phena-Frene/MD sold in the mid-1990s claimed to turn fat into water, which was then flushed from the body forever by simply peeing it out. Packaging claimed users could lose up to 10 inches off their waist in just two weeks. One problem: It’s physically impossible to turn fat into water. The product bombed, despite “medical school proof” from non-existent institutions such as the California Medical School and the U.S. Obesity Research Center. Phena-Frene was part of the diet-pill fad that came to an end in 1997, when the Food and Drug Administration banned all “fen-phen” products after studies showed they caused heart attacks.

Sold via late-night TV commercials in the 1980s, “Slim Jeans” weren’t actually jeans, and they probably didn’t make anybody slim. Slim Jeans were silver, futuristic-looking sweatpants made of “an amazing polymer material” that was actually a cheap rayon knockoff. They were supposed to cause weight loss by trapping in body heat, making the wearer lose water weight by sweating. The makers of Slim Jeans said weight loss could occur if the pants were worn exercising, sleeping, or even while watching TV. For a while, Slim Jeans were sold with a matching shiny sweatshirt to allow for even more good-looking weight loss.

According to Ninzu, the manufacturer of a 1990s device called the B-Trim, weight loss could be attained by clamping this little object onto the ear. Here’s how it “worked”: The clip put pressure on a nerve ending, which supposedly stopped stomach muscles from moving, signaling to the brain that the stomach was full. This controlled appetite and resulted in weight loss. Ads for the B-Trim said these claims could be proven by “scientific evidence.” One problem: they didn’t actually
list
any of that evidence. Result: The Federal Trade Commission made Ninzu stop selling the B-Trim in 1995.

*       *       *

Scientists at NEC System Technologies in Japan have invented a robot that can taste and identify dozens of wines, as well as some types of food. The green-and-white tabletop robot has a swiveling head, eyes, and a mouth that speaks in a child’s voice. To identify a wine, the unopened bottle is placed in front of the robot’s left arm. An infrared beam scans the wine—through the glass bottle—and determines its chemical composition. The robot then names the variety of wine, describes its taste, and recommends foods to pair it with. Scientists are still working out the kinks: At a 2006 press conference, a reporter and a cameraman put their hands in front of the robot’s infrared beam. According to the robot, the reporter tasted like ham, and the cameraman tasted like bacon.

We’ve all heard the expression, “When pigs fly,” meaning “never.” Turns out that even if they can’t fly, they can do other things that are just as strange.

W
HEN PIGS FISH

Pigs on the island of Tongatapu in the South Pacific nation of Tonga have learned to fish. Domestic razorbacks there, descendants of pigs left by European explorers centuries ago, have learned to wade into the ocean to eat seaweed, mussels, crabs, and even fish. The pigs have become a must-see for tourists to the island—and a must-eat for locals, since their seafood diet has given them a unique flavor. “It’s saltier than normal,” local tour guide Joe Naeata said.

A town in the German state of Bavaria was attacked by a drove of crazed pigs in November 2006. The wild boars knocked over bicyclists, caused traffic accidents, wrecked a store, and bit several pedestrians in Veitshöchheim, police said. The melee went on for almost two hours before police officers killed three of the boars and scared the rest away. Said local police chief Karl-Heinz Schmitt, “It wasn’t your everyday kind of incident.”

Ermelino Rojas, from Calixto Garcia, Cuba, had a piglet picked out for Christmas dinner in 2004, but spared its life when he saw what he called a “moving scene”: The piglet was suckling from one of his cows. And the cow didn’t seemed to mind. Rojas spared the pig’s life, unable to kill it after seeing it with its “new mother.”

In 1974 flights at London’s Heathrow Airport had to be cancelled when a 40-foot-long flying pig was spotted in the area. The pig was seen by pilots at nearly 40,000 feet before it finally landed in the countryside southeast of London. What was it? An inflatable pig, a prop in a photo shoot for the Pink Floyd album
Animals
, that had broken its tether.

Are you old enough to remember odd but simple college stunts like swallowing live goldfish, or cramming people into Volkswagen Beetles? Here’s a new college fad that’s just as nutty…but a lot more complicated.

T
HINKING BIG

In 2004 graduate students at New York University’s Interactive Telecommunications Program set out to create a real-life version of the 1980s video game Pac-Man—one that could be played on the streets of Manhattan, with people in costumes assuming the roles of the five characters: Pac-Man and the four ghosts, Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde. They called their game “Pac-Manhattan.” Been a while since you played a game of Pac-Man? Here’s a refresher:

• The playing field consists of a maze that’s filled with a trail of tiny white dots. Pac-Man must travel around the entire maze and eat all the dots while avoiding Inky, Pinky, Blinky, and Clyde. If they catch him, he dies.

• There are four “power pellets” on the playing field, one in each of the four corners of the maze. When Pac-Man eats one of the pellets, he becomes energized, all the ghosts turn blue, and for a short time he can eat the ghosts—so
they
have to run from
him
.

So if one person can play Pac-Man, how many does it take to play Pac-Manhattan? Ten—five play Pac-Man and the four ghosts, and each of the other five serves as one of the character’s “generals.” While the characters run around on city streets, the generals remain in a special Pac-Manhattan “control room” and keep their characters updated on the game’s progress by cell phone.

• The area of play is a 6 x 4 city-block area surrounding Washington Square Park in New York’s Greenwich Village, which simulates the Pac Man video game board. The city streets serve as the maze; each time a character moves to a new intersection, they are required to report their position to their general. The information
is then displayed on a computer screen in the control room that looks just like the screen on the original Pac-Man arcade game.