Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (57 page)

Latin words that end in “ine” describe the characteristics of particular animals
—canine
, for example, means doglike. Can you match the other “ines”
to what animal they refer to in English? (Answers on page 537.)

1. Bear

2. Dove

3. Fox

4. Horse

5. Ground squirrel

6. Cat

7. Pig

8. Dolphin

9. Wolf

10. Yak

11. Cow

12. Sheep

13. Elephant

14. Orangutan

15. Turtle

16. Hare

17. Deer

18. Gerbil

19. Frog

20. Killer whale

21. Hawk

22. Guinea pig

23. Gila monster

24. Kangaroo

25. Water buffalo

a. Porcine

b. Acrine

c. Ursine

d. Butine

e. Feline

f. Ovine

g. Spermophine

h. Bovine

i. Cavine

j. Bosine

k. Cervine

l. Rhombomine

m. Equine

n. Lupine

o. Terrapine

p. Vulpine

q. Macropodine

r. Lapine

s. Proboscine

t. Columbine

u. Orcine

v. Delphine

w. Bubaline

x. Pongine

y. Helodine

If everyone gave one thread, the poor man would have a shirt.

 

If begging should unfortunately be thy lot, knock at the large gates only.

 

No one is rich enough to do without a neighbor.

 

Worry often gives a small thing a big shadow.

 

When you’re thirsty it’s too late to think about digging a well.

 

To request timidly is to invite refusal.

 

Slander slays three persons: the speaker, the spoken to, and the spoken of.

To take revenge is to sacrifice oneself.

 

Who does not discipline his child will later punish himself.

 

A half-truth is a whole lie.

 

He who marries
might
be sorry. He who does not
will
be sorry.

 

Beware the man who does not talk and the dog that does not bark.

 

To you your religion; to me my religion.

 

Those who give have all things; those who withhold have nothing.

Who gossips to you will gossip of you.

 

A wise man changes his mind, a fool never does.

 

Who accepts nothing has nothing to return.

 

The tongue is but three inches long, yet it can injure a man six feet high.

 

He who has not yet reached the opposite shore should not make fun of him who is drowning.

 

What is true by lamplight is not always true by sunlight.

 

He who laughs, lasts.

All sorts of “natural” stuff you would
never
want to eat is consumable by
humans. You shouldn’t actually do it (you really,
really,
shouldn’t),
but, technically, all of these things are edible.

…Leather.
It’s made from the skin of a cow, so it’s actually beef—very, very chewy beef. But don’t think you can just feast on that old motorcycle jacket in the back of the closet—most leather has been treated with dyes and chemicals to make it durable.

…Raw meat.
People all over the world eat it every day. Steak tartare, for example, is a European gourmet dish that consists of spiced raw ground beef. (Lamb tartare is a British version.) And don’t forget Japanese sushi, which often contains raw fish.

…Sand.
You probably eat sand already. Finely ground common
silica
, or beach sand, is an ingredient in anti-caking agents used in many packaged foods, such as sugar and flour. But it’s a
very
small amount—too much can scratch your teeth.

…Paper.
As it passes through the body, fiber attracts cholesterol and other unwelcome substances. Fiber exits your body largely intact—in other words, it is not digestible. Most paper is made of wood cellulose, which is fiber. But the bleach that makes paper white, the dye that colors it, and the ink that printers print it with are all toxic to humans.

…Packing peanuts.
Some
—but not all—brands are made of highly processed, molded cornstarch. Not only does that make them biodegradable, but technically it makes them edible, too. Chemicals are added, which aren’t good for you, but if you had to eat a mouthful, they would probably taste like a rice cake.

…Flowers.
Botanically speaking, many common vegetables, such as broccoli and cauliflower, are flowers. Other safe-to-eats: dandelions (they’re sweet like honey), carnations (also sweet), mums (tangy), marigolds (like saffron), and sunflowers (like artichokes).

In July 2008, California didn’t have enough money to pay all state employees, so Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger laid off 10,000 workers. A week later, state controller John Chiang discovered that the money-saving expenditures couldn’t be applied to state payroll records because the system was written in an old computer language called COBOL…and the only state employees who knew how to use it were the ones who had just been fired.

Slate Rock Park in Providence, Rhode Island, commemorates the spot where the state’s founder, Roger Williams, first arrived in 1636. Williams stepped off a boat on the Seekonk River and onto a slate ledge, which was marked with a plaque. In 1877 workers were attempting to expose more of the underground slate to create a larger monument to Williams. They accidentally dynamited the entire piece of slate…and now there’s no slate in Slate Park.

Attendees of a May 2008 New York concert by the band Ellis Unit got a gift with their $20 admission: a free one-year subscription to the music magazine
Blender
. The lead singer and guitarist for Ellis Unit is Gus Wenner, son of Jann Wenner, publisher of
Blender
’s chief rival,
Rolling Stone
.

A 77-year-old man went to visit the graves of his parents in the St. Gregoire Cemetery in Buckingham, Quebec, in 2008. For some reason, he decided to rearrange some ornamental rocks around one of the tombstones. Bad idea: The rocks were holding the tombstone in place, and as the man was digging around in the dirt, the tombstone fell, struck him on the head, and killed him.

After a year of dating, Kurby and Krystal of London, Kentucky, were married in March 2009. They met when both were employed by the local White Castle fast food restaurant, so they decided to make their wedding White Castle-themed—it was held at “their” White Castle and the cake was shaped like a hamburger. Congratulations to Kurby and Krystal...McDonald.

In 2008 a semi-truck overturned at the intersection of Highways 6 and 59 in Texas. Its cargo: sticky-sweet molasses. More than 5,000 gallons of the sugary stuff leaked onto the road, causing road closures and traffic delays into the nearby city of Sugar Land.

Though it’s a very common practice in the United States, some parents choose not to circumcise their newborn boys. In 2009 a co-director of newborn nurseries at Massachusetts General Hospital in Boston came out in favor of the procedure in an interview with
Men’s Health
magazine, saying that its sanitary benefits outweigh fears of surgical complications. His name: Dr. Wang.

In 2008 McDonald’s went on social networking sites such as Facebook and MySpace to solicit amateur musicians’ takes on hip-hop updates of its Big Mac “two all-beef patties, special sauce, lettuce, cheese” jingle. One of the finalists—Tamien Bain, who’d finished in fourth place—was disqualified because he’d recently served 12 years in prison…for robbing a McDonald’s restaurant at gunpoint.

“In January 2007, a rotten-egg smell descended on Manhattan for hours, causing several buildings to be evacuated and frightened throngs to wonder if terrorists were attacking the city with gas. Officials later blamed swamp gas from New Jersey.”

—
The Week

“Give me all your cash or I’ll shoot you with this flip-flop!”
rook:
Michael Reed of Fort Worth, Texas

Weapon:
A tree branch

Story:
In December 2008, Reed stormed into Eddie’s Fried Chicken, waving the tree branch around, and demanded all the money in the register. But the 50-year-old robber’s branch was no match for a 56-year-old employee’s broom. After a brief battle, Reed was de-branched and ran away empty-handed. He hid in a nearby dumpster and was captured by police a short time later.

 

Crook:
Karen Lee Joachimi of Lake City, Florida

Weapon:
An electric chain saw

Story:
In 1996 the 20-year-old attempted to rob a Howard Johnson’s. Her chances of success would have been better had she plugged in her chain saw first. She was easily apprehended.

 

Crook:
A 22-year-old man (unnamed) from Fresno, California