Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

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Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute

BOOK: Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader

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Table of Contents

Title Page

Praise

Acknowledgments

WE KEEP GOING…AND GOING…AND GOING…

YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION

THE LONG AND SHORT OF THINGS

WHY ARE THEY CALLED “TANKS”?

DIDN’T SEE THAT ONE COMING

OH, WHAT A TANGLED WEB SITE

TRADING PLACES

I WANT HALF!

METROPOLIS CONFIDENTIAL

A MINI-ENCYCLOPEDIA OF KRYPTONITE

EATING CONTESTS TO AVOID

PICKLED BEEF TONGUE (WHOLE)

BUTTER (¼-pound sticks)

HARD-BOILED EGGS

PICKLED JALAPEÑO PEPPERS

THE FIRST TRAIN ROBBERS

SOMETHING NEW

END OF THE LINE

TITANIC, STARRING MACAULAY CULKIN

DRIVING MISS DAISY, STARRING LUCILLE BALL

TITANIC, STARRING MACAULAY CULKIN

CHARLIE’S ANGELS, STARRING ANGELINA JOLIE

GREASE, STARRING HARRY REEMS

THE CROW, STARRING CHRISTIAN SLATER

FORREST GUMP, STARRING DAVE CHAPPELLE

THREE AMAZING AFRICAN TREES

THE BIG BAOBAB

THE MIRACLE TREE

THE TREE OF TÉNÉRÉ

OFFICIAL STATE BUSINESS

NUMBERED FACTS

THE GREAT RACE, PART I

GET A HORSE

MY CAR’S BETTER THAN YOURS

GENTLEMEN, START YOUR ENGINES

THEY’RE OFF!

TAKING THE LEAD

THE BEIJING TEA SCAM (AND OTHER CONS)

IRONIC, ISN’T IT?

DINGLES AND BEEF

UP IN A DOWN ECONOMY

RANDOM BITS ON ’70s HITS

DOWN THE HATCH!

DO-IT-YOURSELF DISASTERS

KITCHEN Q&A

What is “freezer burn”? Is it bad for you?

What’s the reason for boiling live lobsters?

Why do they put wax (or whatever that stuff is) on cucumbers?

Is it true that you have to cook pork until it’s well done?

There’s mold on my cheese. Can I eat it anyway?

Is that red juice oozing from the roast beef actually blood?

UNCLE JOHN’S STALL OF FAME

SO, WHERE ARE THEY?

FERMI’S PARADOX

LOW PRIORITY

A CONVENIENT SPACEGOAT

SILENT TREATMENT

FUNERAL MISHAPS

HE LOOKS TERRIBLE IN THAT (LAW)SU IT

DO NOT SPEAK ILL OF THE DEAD

PSEUDOCIDAL TENDENCIES

CHEST HAIR: $7 MILLION

TAKE THE MONEY AND (DON’T) RUN

KNIFE? CHECK. MASKS? CHECK. GAS? UH…

LIQUID COURAGE

HEY, I KNOW THAT GUY!

IT’S JUST POLITE TO LEAVE A NOTE

THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART I

A DEVELOPING STORY

SENSOR SHIP

THE KODAK DIGITAL TOASTER

I’M AMERICAN, AND EUROPEAN

A REAL-LIFE GHOST STORY, PART I

DOCTOR WHO?

THIS OLD HOUSE

YOU ARE BEING WATCHED

UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS

THE WALK OF LIFE

JOHN STEWART (1747–1822)

WILLIAM WORDSWORTH (1770–1850)

CAPTAIN BARCLAY (1779–1854)

PHYLLIS PEARSALL (1906–1996)

PLENNIE L. WINGO (1895–1993)

FLUBBED HEADLINES

NATURAL GAS REPORT

POLICE LOG

IN A GALAXY FART, FART AWAY

THE FUTURE… ACCORDING TO SCI-FI MOVIES

DIRTY AIR & BRAIN BUCKETS

QUIT WHILE YOU’RE AHEAD

THE ROADSTER FINDS A HOME…

TAIWAN’S #2 RESTAURANT

LOST AND FOUND: THE CLOUD PEOPLE OF PERU

ILLUMINATING DISCOVERY

DISAPPEARING ACT

RAIDERS OF THE LOST PEOPLES

THE SKINNY

MUSIC…WITHOUT THE MUSIC INDUSTRY

KALASHNIKOV PAT & THE HELICOPTER JAILBREAKS

BELLE GUNNESS: THE TERROR OF LA PORTE

THE WOMAN IN THE BASEMENT

BUT WAIT! THERE’S MORE!

THE AFTERMATH

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