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Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (2 page)
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Bathroom Readers' Institute
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Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader
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UPDATE
HOW TO DO THINGS
HOW TO PICK A GOOD COMPUTER PASSWORD
HOW TO JUMP-START A CAR
HOW TO BOIL AN EGG
HOW TO WRITE A THANK-YOU NOTE
HOW TO TELL IF A STEAK IS COOKED
ANTARCTIC JARGON
INDIANA BASKETBALL: THE “MILAN MIRACLE”
THE CHURCH OF BASKETBALL
THE MIRACLE
CAT AND MOUSE
STAR QUALITY
WAITING IN THE WINGS
THE KING OF AUCTIONS
THE POTTY POLLS
GOING OUT
ELECTRIC COMPANY
YOU’VE GOT B-MAIL
POT PEEVES
CREATURE COMFORTS
CUBISM
BUSINESS SHORTS
WEIRD CANADA
THE PUNCH WAS TOO PUNCHY
POT HEAD
AN ANGRY LITTLE BOOGAARD
JUST FOR KICKS
IT USUALLY TASTES BETTER
A VERY EXPENSIVE PENNY
PRANKSTERS
FAKE PROPOSAL
FAKE RESTAURANT
FAKE BEST BUY
FAKE TORCH
CHILDREN’S BOOKS
THE COLLOQUY
THE DISTICHS OF CATO
THE BOOK OF THE KNIGHT OF THE TOWER
A TOKEN FOR CHILDREN
TOMMY THUMB’S PRETTY SONG BOOK
A LITTLE PRETTY POCKET BOOK
NAME GAME
A SHAGGY DOG STORY
AMERICAN CHEESES
TILLAMOOK CHEDDAR
MONTEREY JACK
MAYTAG BLUE
LIEDERKRANZ
SOCIAL NOTWORK
OBSCURE MONSTERS
AFTER THE OLYMPICS
FACTS THAT CUT THE...
LIFE IMITATES ART
RANDOM BITS ON ’80s HITS
EVERYDAY HEROES
NEITHER RAIN, NOR SLEET, NOR…FIRE!
BUS DRIVER BOY
READ YOUR MOLE-O-SCOPE
LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION
YOUR FACE
YOUR BODY
HORSE MYSTERIES
THE CASE OF THE BRISBANE BATS
THE CASE OF THE SUDDEN SWELLING
THE CASE OF THE FALLEN FOALS
THE CASE OF THE EL PASO PUNCTURES
THE GARBAGE PROJECT
TRASHAEOLOGY
DIGGING IN
THE GARBAGE SYNDROME
FIRST PRINCIPLE…OF WEIRD BEHAVIOR
ALL THE NEWS THAT’S FIT TO PRINT
GARBAGE: THE FINAL FRONTIER
SMELLS FUNNY
BUT WOULD YOU WANT TO LIVE THERE?
COOKING WITH JULIA
THE DIGITAL CAMERA REVOLUTION, PART II
TEAMING UP
IT’S A SNAP
FROM THE FIELD
JUMPING SHIP
GOING, GOING, GONE
TOPSY-TURVY
JUST PLANE WEIRD
NUDE ATTITUDE
GOOD LUCK!
SHE’LL HAVE THE RIBS
NO MEALS, NO PEANUTS, AND YOU HAVE TO PUSH
DON’T MAKE ME TURN THIS PLANE AROUND
OUTTA HERE
CABIN PRESSURE
DON’T HAVE A COW
ROAD TRIPPING
PEE-PSI COLA
BIG, OLD, BUSY BERTHA
MOOOVE OVER
MAGNETIC PERSONALITIES
HOLY COW
FAIR THEE WELL
FORGOTTEN FIRSTS
SODA POPPED
I LOST ON JEOPARDY!
A WINNING PHRASE ORIGIN
OOPS!
WHEN IS A DEATHBED NOT A DEATHBED?
WHEN IS AN APOSTLE NOT AN APOSTLE?
I’M NOT DEAD YET
IT BROKE THE SPELL-CHECKER
GRAM CRACKERS
BLACK (HUMOR) FOREST
BIG VIDEO TREASURES
LITTLE VIDEO TREASURES
THE GREAT MOON HOAX
A WALK ON THE MOON
EXPERTS AGREE
MOON BATS
BACK TO EARTH
EPILOGUE
CHEATING DEATH
HELLO, I MUST BE GOING
FATHER KNOWS BEST
THE HITS JUST KEEP COMIN’
HEAD CASE
PLANE AMAZING
THE WRONG MEANING
PERUSE
BLATANT
DISINTERESTED
PLUS
PRESENTLY
RETICENT
FORTUITOUS
ANXIOUS
PRISTINE
DAWN
FOOL’S GOLD
IT REALLY SUCKS!
TESTING, TESTING…
GOLD FEVER
YOUR GOLD SMELLS FISHY
CREATIVE SENTENCING
TURNING THE PAGE
NOT SO CROSS
PUTTING THE “PAIN” IN PAINESVILLE
HURRICAN’T
BACKSEAT HURLER
HOW MANILOW CAN YOU GO?
PEOPLE STUFF FOR DOGS
WHEN HARRY MET BESSIE
GO, ARTICHOKES!
FABULOUS FLOP: THE GYROJET
THINKING SMALL
BULLET BASICS
ROCKET SCIENCE
THE GUN OF THE FUTURE
AND NOW THE FINE PRINT
MORE BAD NEWS
WHAT A LOAD
THANKS, BUT…
GOODBYE, HOLLYWOOD
GRACE KELLY
KAL PENN
GLENDA JACKSON
BOBBY SHERMAN
ANDREA THOMPSON
DOLORES HART
WORST TEAMS EVER
WORST HOCKEY TEAM
WORST FOOTBALL TEAM
WORST BASKETBALL TEAM
WORST COLLEGE FOOTBALL TEAM
WORST MODERN BASEBALL TEAM
WORST COLLEGE BASKETBALL TEAM
WORST OVERALL PRO SPORTS TEAM
MUSHROOM READER
YOU CALL THAT ART?
ODD BOOKS
A TURKEY IN BOSTON
AN ALLIGATOR IN THE GARAGE
A BEAR IN THE MEDIAN
A TURKEY IN BOSTON
A BIRD ON THE HEAD
A BOAR IN THE BACKYARD
A FISH IN THE WIRES
IT’S PHOSPHORIFIC!
MELLOW YELLOW
BLUE GENIE
KRAFT’S WORK
FINALLY…
GOVERN-MENTAL
LOOK BEFORE YOU LEAP
STOP—IN THE NAME OF THE LAW
THE YOLK’S ON HIM
PELOSI-ROLL’D
SPACE WAR
YOU MUST BE DREAMING
TWUNGE TISTERS
THE INVENTIONS OF PROFESSOR LUCIFER GORGONZOLA BUTTS
A MAN CALLED RUBE
THE GOLDBERG VARIATIONS
THE “AUTOMATIC” BACK-SCRATCHER
GETTING AN OLIVE OUT OF A BOTTLE
SHARPENING A PENCIL
UNHEARD ALBUMS
MC HAMMER, TOO TIGHT
PRINCE & THE REVOLUTION, DREAM FACTORY
NEIL YOUNG, HOMEGROWN
BEASTIE BOYS, WHITE HOUSE
CRUNCHY LOGGS
USED COWS FOR SALE
Q&A: ASK THE EXPERTS
WRONG TURN AT ALBUQUERQUE?
FOR LOVE OF THE GAME
THE YELLOW RIVER GOT ITS NAME FROM I.P. FREELY
HAIR IT IS
HAIR IT ISN’T
CHECK IT OUT
IT’S A WEIRD, WEIRD WORLD
WON’T GIVE YOU THE TIME OF DAY
WITH FRIENDS LIKE THESE…
AT LEAST HE CAN’T COMPLAIN ABOUT THE NOISE
GET YOUR GOAT
END OF THE ROAD
THE GREAT RACE, PART II
ENTLEMEN, RESTART YOUR ENGINES
HUMAN OBSTACLES
ITALIAN TRAGEDY
AND THE WINNER IS…
A NEW ERA BEGINS
POSTSCRIPT
“ALWAYS”…OR “NEVER”?
HOBBS STRIKES OUT
THE NATURAL (1984)
PRETTY WOMAN (1990)
CLERKS (1994)
FIRST BLOOD (1982)
THERE’S SOMETHING ABOUT MARY (1998)
TOILET TECH: BABY EDITION
THE BABYKEEPER
THE TUMMYTUB
THE NITE TRAIN’R
THE WEEBLOCK
3-D TV
HELP ME, OBI-WAN!
STEREOSCOPE 3-D
RED-GREEN ANAGLYPH
POLARIZED-LENS 3-D
PULFRICH-EFFECT 3-D
COLORCODE (AMBER-BLUE ANAGLYPH)
3-D TV WITHOUT GLASSES?
HOLOGRAPHIC TV
UNCLE JOHN HELPS OUT AROUND THE HOUSE
INDIANA BASKETBALL: THE CRISPUS ATTUCKS TIGERS
COLOR LINE
BEST BEHAVIOR
NEW ATTITUDE
THE BIG TIME
NEVER AGAIN
THE FAKE NEWS NETWORK
BROADCAST BLUES
FROM THE WIRE
MONEY FOR NOTHIN’
IS THIS EVEN LEGAL?
THE NEWS-VERTISING AGE
URBAN LEGENDS
GARDY LOO!
WOULD YOU BELIEVE…
UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS
TRADING PAINT & SPRING RUBBER
BEHIND THE (MOB) HITS
ARNOLD “THE BRAIN” ROTHSTEIN
ARTHUR “DUTCH SCHULTZ” FLEGENHEIMER
“JOE THE BOSS” MASSERIA
JOSEPH “CRAZY JOEY” GALLO
LITTLE THINGS MEAN A LOT
ONE INCH
A DATA-ENTRY ERROR
A MOIST SENSOR
A SOFTWARE GLITCH
A KEY AND A PAIR OF BINOCULARS
DYING WORDS
USE IT OR LOSE IT
THE CADUCITY LIST
BATHROOM NEWS
SEAT-SEEKING MISSILE
DEARLY DE-POTTED
RING AROUND THE DRAIN
TASTELESS TOYS
TAP, TAP, TAP!
BACKGROUND
GRIP
SPOKESTHINGIES
MAVIS BEACON
THE GEICO CAVEMEN
THE NAUGA
JACK
MEET HITLER’S DOCTOR
STRANGE BEDFELLOWS
DOC MEDIOC–RITY
“MADE” IN BULGARIA
PRIMARY PHYSICIAN
HEAVEN SCENT
TAKE THIS…AND THIS…AND THIS
THE ONE-TWO PUNCH
DER GUINEA PIG
THE PLOT THICKENS
VERY QUIZ-LIKE
THE PROVERBIAL TRUTH
IT (PROBABLY) WON’T KILL YOU TO EAT…
IRONIC, ISN’T IT?
DE-PROGRAMMED
WIPING THE SLATE CLEAN
FAMILY ISSUES
STONE COLD DEAD
KURBY AND KRYSTAL GO TO WHITE CASTLE
SWEET IRONY
CUTTING REMARK
HAMBURGLAR
ADVENTUROUS SPIRITS
DUMB CROOKS: SILLY WEAPONS UNIT
THE POTTY POLLS, PT. II
YOUR TOOTHBRUSH AND YOU
CLEANLINESS IS NEXT TO…IMPOSSIBLE
IN THE SHOWER
GOING GREEN
AROUND THE WORLD
ROCK ’N’ ROLL DIARY
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