Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader (4 page)
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Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
BOOK: Uncle John's Endlessly Engrossing Bathroom Reader
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OUR “REGULAR”
READERS RAVE!
READERS RAVE!
“I love the
Bathroom Reader
. My whole family loves your books, too—by far the most-read book in my house. They always give us something to talk about. Everything I know I learned from the BRI.”
Bathroom Reader
. My whole family loves your books, too—by far the most-read book in my house. They always give us something to talk about. Everything I know I learned from the BRI.”
—
Jack
Jack
“I have read and collected almost every one of your wonderful books. Even my boys, a 10-year-old and 20-year-old (in the Navy), can’t resist grabbing one and reading any chance they get. Thanks for the many years of pleasure and education.”
—
Kerry
Kerry
“I am a huge fan and spend hours buried in the interesting stories and facts. Keep up the awesome work.”
—
Liz
Liz
“I want to let you now how much I enjoy your books. I not only enjoy them in their intended venue, but on the job as well. I am a tour bus driver in Kentucky, which involves a lot of waiting around. Some of that waiting is for very short periods of time, and so
Bathroom Readers
are perfect to fill it in. I also get a lot of ‘I love those books!’ from passengers who spot them sitting on the dash.”
Bathroom Readers
are perfect to fill it in. I also get a lot of ‘I love those books!’ from passengers who spot them sitting on the dash.”
—
Anne D.
Anne D.
“I love your books because they make me feel smarter and crack me up! I buy two each time and save the second one to give as a gift. I can’t part with my
Bathroom Readers
.”
Bathroom Readers
.”
—
Anita
Anita
“I love your books. They are my favorite things to read!”
—
Kristyn
Kristyn
“Your
Unsinkable Bathroom Reader
actually is unsinkable. How do I know? Because my copy survived a fall into a toilet!”
Unsinkable Bathroom Reader
actually is unsinkable. How do I know? Because my copy survived a fall into a toilet!”
—
Lucas
Lucas
THANK YOU
!
!
The Bathroom Readers’ Institute sincerely thanks the people whose advice and assistance made this book possible.
Gordon Javna
John Dollison
Brian Boone
Jay Newman
Thom Little
Amy Miller
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Lorraine Bodger
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Jef Fretwell
Megan Todd
Judy Plapinger
Jack Mingo
Erin Barrett
Malcolm Hillgartner
Jahnna Beecham
Jeff Bahr
William Dooling
Valerie Harrison
Michael Kerr
Christine DeGueron
James Greene Jr.
Scarab Media
Amelia & Greta Zeve
Claudia Bauer
Claire Breen
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Lisa, Monica & Amy
Ginger Winters
Maggie Javna
Tom “Honey” Mustard
Sydney Stanley
David Calder
Karen Malchow
Elise Gochberg
Julie Bégin
Julia Papps
Media Masters
Brendan & Avery, B.R.I.T.
Instant Genius
The Nation of Canada
Eddie Deezen
Publishers Group West
Bloomsbury Books
Trish & Tony
Raincoast Books
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
John Dollison
Brian Boone
Jay Newman
Thom Little
Amy Miller
Michael Brunsfeld
Angela Kern
Lorraine Bodger
Jolly Jeff Cheek
Jef Fretwell
Megan Todd
Judy Plapinger
Jack Mingo
Erin Barrett
Malcolm Hillgartner
Jahnna Beecham
Jeff Bahr
William Dooling
Valerie Harrison
Michael Kerr
Christine DeGueron
James Greene Jr.
Scarab Media
Amelia & Greta Zeve
Claudia Bauer
Claire Breen
JoAnn Padgett
Melinda Allman
Lisa, Monica & Amy
Ginger Winters
Maggie Javna
Tom “Honey” Mustard
Sydney Stanley
David Calder
Karen Malchow
Elise Gochberg
Julie Bégin
Julia Papps
Media Masters
Brendan & Avery, B.R.I.T.
Instant Genius
The Nation of Canada
Eddie Deezen
Publishers Group West
Bloomsbury Books
Trish & Tony
Raincoast Books
Porter the Wonder Dog
Thomas Crapper
WE KEEP GOING…AND
GOING…AND GOING…
GOING…AND GOING…
The question I’m most often asked
(other than, “When are you coming out of there?”) is, “Uncle John, what is it about this series that makes it so popular?” The answer, I believe, comes down to the fact that when you pick up a
Bathroom Reader
, you’re not just reading
one
book, but several—even dozens. How so? Within these 540 pages you’ll find a history tome, a weird news anthology, a science text, a dictionary, a how-to manual, a sports magazine, a joke book, a business primer, a quotations collection, and the list goes on. You could say it’s…endless.
(other than, “When are you coming out of there?”) is, “Uncle John, what is it about this series that makes it so popular?” The answer, I believe, comes down to the fact that when you pick up a
Bathroom Reader
, you’re not just reading
one
book, but several—even dozens. How so? Within these 540 pages you’ll find a history tome, a weird news anthology, a science text, a dictionary, a how-to manual, a sports magazine, a joke book, a business primer, a quotations collection, and the list goes on. You could say it’s…endless.
Just flip to any page and you’ll find something new to entertain you—it may make you laugh, think, or just shake your head in amazement. For example:
•
Weirdness:
Alfonzo the Slobberer and other oddly named rulers, beef-scented cologne, and trees that paint pictures.
Weirdness:
Alfonzo the Slobberer and other oddly named rulers, beef-scented cologne, and trees that paint pictures.
•
History unleashed:
The story of a flag called “Old Glory,” the handgun that fired rockets, and the great moon hoax…of 1835.
History unleashed:
The story of a flag called “Old Glory,” the handgun that fired rockets, and the great moon hoax…of 1835.
•
Myths and Legends:
Totem poles, Pecos Bill, Sciopod the one-legged monster, the rebirth of Jack in the Box, and the scariest ghost story we’ve ever told.
Myths and Legends:
Totem poles, Pecos Bill, Sciopod the one-legged monster, the rebirth of Jack in the Box, and the scariest ghost story we’ve ever told.
•
That’s entertainment:
Musicians who snubbed the music industry (to great success), the future of 3-D television, Rocky Balboa’s climb to the top, and Jar Jar Binks’ plunge to the bottom.
That’s entertainment:
Musicians who snubbed the music industry (to great success), the future of 3-D television, Rocky Balboa’s climb to the top, and Jar Jar Binks’ plunge to the bottom.
•
Good sports:
How Indiana changed basketball, how to talk NASCAR, and Haaaaai-YA!—the history of judo.
Good sports:
How Indiana changed basketball, how to talk NASCAR, and Haaaaai-YA!—the history of judo.
•
Wordplay:
More of your favorites—including Tom Swifties, flubbed headlines, tongue twisters, cosmic questions from comedians, and endangered words on the brink of exuviation.
Wordplay:
More of your favorites—including Tom Swifties, flubbed headlines, tongue twisters, cosmic questions from comedians, and endangered words on the brink of exuviation.
•
Life’s BIG instruction book:
How to get furniture dents out of your carpet, how to successfully pull off the short con, and how to tell if you’ve been abducted by aliens.
Life’s BIG instruction book:
How to get furniture dents out of your carpet, how to successfully pull off the short con, and how to tell if you’ve been abducted by aliens.
Before you dive into this bottomless bowl of fun, I’d like to give a special round of applause to Amy for keeping everything together with such poise and good humor. To Brian, John, Jay, and Thom for continuing to create amazing bathroom reading treasures. To Claudia and Claire for declunking our clunky copy. To Angie for providing us with those endlessly engrossing little facts we call running feet. (Flame throwers are legal in 40 states. Who knew?) To Michael B., who recently advised us that he has now been designing
Bathroom Reader
covers for more than half of his life.
Bathroom Reader
covers for more than half of his life.
But the biggest round of applause goes to you, our readers. And to answer another question I’m often asked, “What makes a typical
Bathroom Reader
fan?” We’ve learned that after more than 20 years of making these books, there’s really no such thing as a typical fan—our readers come from all walks of life and span generations. Some grandparents have told us that our books help them connect with their grandkids. Younger readers have thanked us for helping them get through high school. Older readers have thanked us for helping them get through college. (One parent even told us that our books helped her son get
into
college.)
Bathroom Reader
fan?” We’ve learned that after more than 20 years of making these books, there’s really no such thing as a typical fan—our readers come from all walks of life and span generations. Some grandparents have told us that our books help them connect with their grandkids. Younger readers have thanked us for helping them get through high school. Older readers have thanked us for helping them get through college. (One parent even told us that our books helped her son get
into
college.)
In the end, there’s one thing that every
Bathroom Reader
fan (the BRI included) has in common: an insatiable appetite to know our world better—the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. So no matter who you are, you’ll find a whole lot to love in these pages. So get reading, and reading, and reading…
Bathroom Reader
fan (the BRI included) has in common: an insatiable appetite to know our world better—the good, the bad, the ugly, and the amazing. So no matter who you are, you’ll find a whole lot to love in these pages. So get reading, and reading, and reading…
And as always,
Go with the Flow!
—Uncle John, the BRI Staff,
and Porter the Wonderdog
and Porter the Wonderdog
YOU’RE MY INSPIRATION
It’s always interesting to find out where the architects of pop culture get their ideas. These may surprise you.
FERRIS BUELLER.
One of writer/director John Hughes’s models for the title character of his 1986 film was his childhood friend Edward McNally. Like Ferris, McNally was tormented by a school official over his frequent absences, impersonated his father to sneak his friends out of school, and tried to reverse the odometer on a “borrowed” sports car. Ferris’s shy, nerdy friend Cameron was based on Hughes himself.
One of writer/director John Hughes’s models for the title character of his 1986 film was his childhood friend Edward McNally. Like Ferris, McNally was tormented by a school official over his frequent absences, impersonated his father to sneak his friends out of school, and tried to reverse the odometer on a “borrowed” sports car. Ferris’s shy, nerdy friend Cameron was based on Hughes himself.
IRON MAN.
In the early 1960s, comic book writer Stan Lee got the inspiration for the superhero and his alter ego—wealthy industrialist Tony Stark—from wealthy industrialist Howard Hughes, who, like Stark, constructed bizarre aircraft.
In the early 1960s, comic book writer Stan Lee got the inspiration for the superhero and his alter ego—wealthy industrialist Tony Stark—from wealthy industrialist Howard Hughes, who, like Stark, constructed bizarre aircraft.
HALLE BERRY.
The Oscar-winning actress was named after the landmark Halle Building, home of the Halle Brothers department store, in Berry’s hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.
The Oscar-winning actress was named after the landmark Halle Building, home of the Halle Brothers department store, in Berry’s hometown of Cleveland, Ohio.
THE WONDER YEARS.
The 1989–93 sitcom, set from 1969 to’73, depicted a teenager (Fred Savage) growing up in the suburbs. The title of the show wasn’t a reference to the “wonder” a kid feels as he discovers the world—it came from a 1960s ad campaign from the 1960s for Wonder Bread, which told kids to eat it through their “wonder years” of adolescence.
The 1989–93 sitcom, set from 1969 to’73, depicted a teenager (Fred Savage) growing up in the suburbs. The title of the show wasn’t a reference to the “wonder” a kid feels as he discovers the world—it came from a 1960s ad campaign from the 1960s for Wonder Bread, which told kids to eat it through their “wonder years” of adolescence.
MICHAEL JORDAN.
When Jordan’s older brother Larry played high-school basketball, his jersey number was 45. When Jordan started playing, he picked #23—that’s half of 45, rounded up. Why? Because he hoped to be half the player that Larry was.
When Jordan’s older brother Larry played high-school basketball, his jersey number was 45. When Jordan started playing, he picked #23—that’s half of 45, rounded up. Why? Because he hoped to be half the player that Larry was.
TWILIGHT.
One of author Stephanie Meyer’s favorite books is the 1813 Jane Austen classic
Pride and Prejudice
, which concerns a lonely young woman who falls in love with a seemingly out-of-reach sophisticated gentleman. That provided the inspiration for
Twilight,
a novel about a lonely teenage girl who falls in love with a seemingly out-of-reach sophisticated…vampire.
One of author Stephanie Meyer’s favorite books is the 1813 Jane Austen classic
Pride and Prejudice
, which concerns a lonely young woman who falls in love with a seemingly out-of-reach sophisticated gentleman. That provided the inspiration for
Twilight,
a novel about a lonely teenage girl who falls in love with a seemingly out-of-reach sophisticated…vampire.
WARNING LABELS
Some things in life go without saying…but there’s always the occasional genius who has to be told not to hold the moving end of a chain saw.
On Cadbury Whole Nut Milk Chocolate bar:
“Contains nuts, milk.”
On a massager:
“Do not use while unconscious.”
“Do not use while unconscious.”
On shin guards:
“Cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
“Cannot protect any part of the body they do not cover.”
On a fireplace lighter:
“Do not use near flame or sparks.”
On a hot beverage cup:
“Caution: Hot beverages are hot!”
On a Frisbee:
“May contain small parts.”
“May contain small parts.”
On an electric cattle prod:
“For use on animals only.”
On a cordless phone:
“Do
“Do
not put lit candles on phone.”
On cat litter:
“Safe for use around pets.”
“Safe for use around pets.”
On an iPod shuffle:
“Do not eat iPod shuffle.”
“Do not eat iPod shuffle.”
On a lottery ticket:
“Do not iron.”
“Do not iron.”
On a Jet Ski:
“Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.”
“Never use a lit match or open flame to check fuel level.”
On sunglasses:
“Not suitable for driving under conditions of poor light.”
“Not suitable for driving under conditions of poor light.”
On a bottle of mineral water:
“Suitable for vegetarians.”
On PMS relief medicine:
“Do not use if you have prostate problems.”
On a bottle of champagne:
“Remove label before placing in microwave.”
“Remove label before placing in microwave.”
On a Slush Puppie:
“Ice may be cold.”
“Ice may be cold.”
On a chain saw:
“Do not hold the wrong end of a chain saw.”
“Do not hold the wrong end of a chain saw.”
On a toilet plunger:
“Do not use near power lines.”
“Do not use near power lines.”
On baby lotion:
“Keep away from children.”
“Keep away from children.”
On a 500-piece puzzle:
“Some assembly required.”
On a superhero costume:
“You cannot save the world!”
MYTH-CONCEPTIONS
“Common knowledge” is frequently wrong. Here are some
examples of things that many people believe…but
that, according to our sources, just aren’t true.
examples of things that many people believe…but
that, according to our sources, just aren’t true.
Myth:
The Wild West was a violent, lawless wasteland where murder and gunfights occurred every day.
Truth:
It’s portrayed that way in Western movies because it’s dramatic. But during the heyday of the Old West (1870–85) the five major towns of Dodge City, Ellsworth, Caldwell, Abilene, and Wichita had a combined total of 45 murders. That’s a rate of 1 per 100,000 residents. The present day is far deadlier than the Wild West. The 2007 murder rate in the United States was 5.6 per 100,000—more than five times as dangerous as the “Wild” West.
The Wild West was a violent, lawless wasteland where murder and gunfights occurred every day.
Truth:
It’s portrayed that way in Western movies because it’s dramatic. But during the heyday of the Old West (1870–85) the five major towns of Dodge City, Ellsworth, Caldwell, Abilene, and Wichita had a combined total of 45 murders. That’s a rate of 1 per 100,000 residents. The present day is far deadlier than the Wild West. The 2007 murder rate in the United States was 5.6 per 100,000—more than five times as dangerous as the “Wild” West.
Myth:
Eighteenth-century composer Antonio Salieri hated his rival, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and may even have poisoned him.
Eighteenth-century composer Antonio Salieri hated his rival, Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart, and may even have poisoned him.
Truth:
The common perception of Salieri comes from the play and movie
Amadeus,
which took a lot of dramatic license. Salieri wasn’t as gifted as Mozart (who is?), but he was a respected musician who wrote more than 40 popular operas and tutored Schubert and Beethoven. Salieri and Mozart even collaborated on the cantata
Per la ricuperata salute di Ophelia
in 1785, a few years before Mozart died…of rheumatic fever, not poison.
The common perception of Salieri comes from the play and movie
Amadeus,
which took a lot of dramatic license. Salieri wasn’t as gifted as Mozart (who is?), but he was a respected musician who wrote more than 40 popular operas and tutored Schubert and Beethoven. Salieri and Mozart even collaborated on the cantata
Per la ricuperata salute di Ophelia
in 1785, a few years before Mozart died…of rheumatic fever, not poison.
Myth:
Holland is another name for the Netherlands.
Holland is another name for the Netherlands.
Truth:
Holland is a region of the Netherlands, not another name for the country itself. Today, the region is split into two provinces: North Holland and South Holland. From the 10th to the 16th century, it was an autonomous country, but ever since has been part of the Netherlands.
Holland is a region of the Netherlands, not another name for the country itself. Today, the region is split into two provinces: North Holland and South Holland. From the 10th to the 16th century, it was an autonomous country, but ever since has been part of the Netherlands.
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