Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (11 page)

THE CHARMINGS
(1987)

Premise: Snow White, Prince Charming, a magic mirror, and some dwarves are accidentally transported through time to 1980s Burbank, California. The show featured live actors, not animation, and the comedy arises mostly from Snow White’s difficulty in dealing with the 20th century—especially modern appliances. It ran for 20 episodes.

It takes about 0.004 gallons of gas to start your car in the morning.

WOOPS!
(1992)

Back in Fox’s early days it liked to experiment with edgy concepts. Here’s one they came up with: A nuclear holocaust instantly kills everyone on Earth except for six Americans: a teacher, a feminist, a yuppie stockbroker, a homeless man, a doctor, and a ditzy blonde. They manage to find each other and try to come up with ways to rebuild civilization. Sound familiar? Basically, they just took the premise for
Gilligan’s Island
and changed the island to a barren post-apocalyptic wasteland after billions of people died. Funny, huh? Viewers didn’t think so.
Woops!
lasted only 10 episodes.

FATHER OF THE PRIDE
(2004)

Produced by animation studio Dreamworks (they made the
Shrek
movies) this prime-time cartoon was for kids, right? Wrong. It was about the private lives of the jungle animals in Siegfried and Roy’s Las Vegas show and was strictly adults only, with lots of frank sexual dialogue and depiction of drugs. The fact that prior to the show’s debut Roy Horn was critically mauled by one of his tigers couldn’t have been a good omen. But since each episode took nine months and $1.6 million to produce, NBC went ahead and aired the show anyway, despite the tragedy. They should have heeded the omen—
Father of the Pride
lasted only seven episodes.

*        *        *

JEWEL THIEF

“Two thieves who tried to rob two elderly women in the Lithuanian city of Klaipeda, thinking they were easy prey, got more than they bargained for. The two would-be thieves rang the doorbell and attacked the women as soon as they opened the door. But Zoja Popova, 93, brought one of the robbers to his knees—she grabbed the thief by the family jewels and squeezed. ‘I pressed as hard as I could and he squealed like an animal,’ said Popova. Neighbors came running to find out what all the shouting was about. The robbers tried to escape through a window, but were caught by private security guards and handed over to the police.”

—Mail & Guardian
UK)

It may not look like it, but a violin contains about 70 separate pieces of wood.

WRONG WAY CORRIGAN

While rummaging through our “Dustbin of History” file recently, we discovered the story of this colorful character. He snookered his way into the hearts of people on both sides of the Atlantic by heading in the wrong direction and ending up in the right place
.

T
HAT’S MY STORY…
On the foggy morning of July 17, 1938, a 31-year-old pilot named Douglas Corrigan took off from Brooklyn’s Floyd Bennett Field on a solo, nonstop trip to California. Twenty-eight hours later, he landed in Ireland…with a lot of explaining to do. He had no passport or papers of any kind, nor had he received permission from U.S. officials to make the transatlantic flight.

Safely on the ground, Corrigan offered this explanation to Irish customs: Heavy fog in New York had forced him to navigate using only his compass. The fog continued all that day and into the night; there was never good visibility. When the sun rose the next morning—26 hours into his flight—he was surprised to find himself over an ocean. Taking a closer look at his compass, Corrigan realized he’d been following the wrong end of the needle—heading due east instead of west! But by now he was almost out of fuel; he couldn’t turn around. His only hope was to continue east and hope to reach land before he ran out of gas. Two hours later he saw fishing boats off a rocky coast and knew he was safe. From there, he made his way to Baldonnel Airport in Dublin. His first words upon exiting the plane were “Just got in from New York. Where am I?”

…AND I’M STICKING TO IT!

He repeated the story to the American ambassador and then to Ireland’s prime minister. By this third telling—to the Irish cabinet—the European and American press had got wind of the story and ran with it. When he got to the part about misreading his compass, the cabinet ministers all laughed and Corrigan knew that things would work out. Ireland graciously sent him home without penalty.

J. Edgar Hoover once gave his mother a canary bred by the “Birdman of Alcatraz.”

When he got back to New York, Corrigan was amazed to find out he’d become a folk hero. In the bleak days of the Great Depression, Corrigan’s achievement and amusing explanation lifted people’s spirits. Over a million well-wishers turned out for a ticker-tape parade in his honor (more than had turned out to honor Charles Lindbergh after his transatlantic flight). The
New York Post
even ran a backward headline that read “!NAGIRROC YAW GNORW OT LIAH!” (“Hail To Wrong Way Corrigan!”).

THE TRUTH

So what really happened? It’s no secret that Corrigan’s dream was to fly solo across the Atlantic. He got his start in the airplane business in 1927 working for the company that built Lindbergh’s
Spirit of St. Louis
. Corrigan helped assemble the wing and install the instrument panel on the famous plane. His greatest honor was meeting Lindbergh. (“Even more than if I had met Abraham Lincoln himself!”) After Lindbergh made the first solo transatlantic flight in 1927, Corrigan vowed to follow in his footsteps.

He spent the early 1930s barnstorming the country, landing near small towns and charging for airplane rides to pay for gas. In 1933 he bought a secondhand Curtiss Robin J-6 monoplane for $310, which he named
Sunshine
, and began overhauling it for a trip across the ocean. In 1936 and again in 1937, Federal Aviation officials denied Corrigan’s requests to attempt the Atlantic flight.

So it’s unlikely that when Corrigan took off from New York in 1938, he didn’t know where he was going. Not only was he an accomplished pilot and navigator who had a history of flying without the proper paperwork, but he’d been working 10 straight years toward his dream of flying nonstop to Europe. Wrong Way Corrigan knew one end of a compass from the other.

COME ON, JUST ADMIT IT

For the rest of his life (he died in 1995), people tried to get Corrigan to come clean—but he never did, not even in his autobiography. In 1988 Corrigan took
Sunshine
on a national tour to celebrate the 50th anniversary of his famous flight. He was continually asked the same question: “Were you
really
trying to fly to California?” “Sure,” he answered. “Well, at least I’ve told that story so many times that now I believe it myself.”

In the Middle Ages, dead bodies were often used as ammunition in catapults.

UNSUNG HEROES

You may not recognize their names, but you’ve heard their music more times than you know. These teams of studio musicians have played on hundreds of hit records over the last 50 years
.

T
HE WRECKING CREW
That’s the nickname these musicians from the 1960s gave themselves after the old line studio players, who hated rock, complained that they were “wrecking the business.” The band, which included Hal Blaine (drums), Joe Osborne (bass), Larry Knechtel (keyboards), Glen Campbell (guitar), and Leon Russell (piano), were producer Phil Spector’s “go-to” guys.

♪
The Wrecking Crew played on six consecutive Record of the Year Grammy winners: “A Taste of Honey” by Herb Alpert and the Tijuana Brass (1966), “Strangers in the Night” by Frank Sinatra (1967), “Up, Up and Away” by the Fifth Dimension (1968), “Mrs. Robinson” by Simon and Garfunkel (1969), “Aquarius/Let the Sunshine In” by the Fifth Dimension (1970), and “Bridge Over Troubled Water” by Simon and Garfunkel (1971).

Selected Hits:
“Be My Baby” by the Ronettes • “Surf City” by Jan and Dean • “You’ve Lost That Lovin’ Feeling” by the Righteous Brothers • “I Got You, Babe” by Sonny and Cher • “Mr. Tambourine Man” by the Byrds •“California Dreamin’” by the Mamas and the Papas • “This Diamond Ring” by Gary Lewis and the Playboys • “Good Vibrations” by the Beach Boys • “I’m a Believer” by the Monkees • “River Deep, Mountain High” by Ike and Tina Turner

MUSCLE SHOALS RHYTHM SECTION

Jimmy Johnson (guitar), Roger Hawkins (drums), David Hood (bass), Barry Beckett (keyboards), and Donny Short (lead guitar) are known as the “Swampers” by the music legends who’ve come down to Muscle Shoals, Alabama, to record with them since 1967.

♪
The musicians were given the nickname “Swampers” during a recording session with Mick Jagger because of the swampy land in Muscle Shoals. They were referenced by name in Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Sweet Home Alabama.”

Dust from the Sahara desert has been carried by the wind as far as Chicago.

♪ The Muscle Shoals Sound Studios were founded in 1969 in an old casket warehouse. Their first client was Cher.

Selected Hits:
“Mustang Sally” by Wilson Pickett • “Old Time Rock ’n’ Roll” by Bob Seger • “Respect” by Aretha Franklin • “High Time We Went” by Joe Cocker • “Tonight’s the Night” by Rod Stewart • “Kodachrome” by Paul Simon • “When a Man Loves a Woman” by Percy Sledge • “Sweet Soul Music” by Arthur Conley • “The Harder They Come” by Jimmy Cliff • “Chain of Fools” by Aretha Franklin • “Wild Horses” by the Rolling Stones • “Land of a Thousand Dances” by Wilson Pickett • “Lay Down Sally” by Eric Clapton

THE A TEAM

Immortalized by John Sebastian in his song “Nashville Cats,” these superpickers—including Bob Moore (bass), Buddy Harman (drums), Grady Martin, Hank Garland, Chet Atkins, Harold Bradley (guitar), Hargus “Pig” Robbins, Floyd Kramer (piano), Pete Drake (steel guitar), and Charlie McCoy (harmonica)—have played on hundreds of country hits of the past half century.

Selected Hits:
“Oh, Pretty Woman” by Roy Orbison • “Stand By Your Man” by Tammy Wynette • “Just Like a Woman” by Bob Dylan • “Crazy” by Patsy Cline • “Battle of New Orleans” by Johnny Horton • “King of the Road” by Roger Miller • “El Paso” by Marty Robbins • “Big Bad John” by Jimmy Dean • “Jingle Bell Rock” by Bobby Helms • “I’m Sorry” by Brenda Lee

THE MEMPHIS SOUND

In 1958 the Royal Spades were a band of white kids from Memphis who loved black music. When sax player Packy Axton’s mother opened a studio called Satellite Records (later Stax-Volt) to record local talent, they changed their name to the Mar-Keys and became the house band. Local black musicians soon joined, led by keyboard player Booker T. Jones, drummer Al Jackson Jr., and sax man Andrew Love. In 1962 guitarist Steve Cropper and bassist Donald “Duck” Dunn split off from the Mar-Keys to join Jones and Jackson as Booker T. and the MGs (“Memphis Group”), and Love and trumpeter Wayne Jackson still play as the Memphis Horns. But together this assembly of black and white musicians wrote the book on what came to be called classic Southern soul.

FBI statistic: 74% of threats against federal workers are directed at IRS employees.

Selected Hits:
“Try a Little Tenderness” by Otis Redding • “Soul Man” by Sam and Dave • “Midnight Hour” by Wilson Pickett • “Knock on Wood” by Eddie Floyd • “Dock of the Bay” by Otis Redding • “Son of a Preacher Man” by Dusty Springfield • “Suspicious Minds” by Elvis Presley • “Let’s Stay Together” by Al Green • “Shaft” by Isaac Hayes • “I’ll Take You There” by the Staples Singers • “Born Under a Bad Sign” by Albert King • “Cry Like a Baby” by The Box Tops • “Mercury Falling” by Sting • “Storm Front” by Billy Joel

THE FUNK BROTHERS

They worked in a basement called the “Snake Pit” and churned out legendary Motown hits hour after hour from 1958 to 1973. The band included Benny Benjamin (drums), James Jamerson (bass), Joe Messina, Larry Veeder (guitar), Earl Van Dyke, Joe Hunter (piano), Hank Crosby (saxophone), Paul Riser (trombone), and Herbie Williams (trumpet). They claim to have played on more hit records than the Beatles, Elvis, and Frank Sinatra combined.

♪
Recording sessions began at 10 a.m. and were over at 1 p.m. The musicians were on call seven days a week.

♪
Originally, each band member was paid $10 per song. It usually took about an hour to record each song, but sometimes less.

Selected Hits:
“Dancing in the Street” by Martha and the Vandellas • “Stop! In the Name of Love” by the Supremes • “My Girl” by the Temptations • “I Can’t Help Myself” by the Four Tops • “Ain’t That Peculiar” by Marvin Gaye • “Reach Out, I’ll Be There” by the Four Tops • “Do You Love Me” by the Contours • “Tears of a Clown” by Smokey Robinson and the Miracles • “My Guy” by Mary Wells • “Please Mr. Postman” by the Marvelettes

• “Cloud Nine” by the Temptations • “I Want You Back” by the Jackson Five • “Going to a Go-Go” by the Miracles • “What’s Going On” by Marvin Gaye

Random Session Notes:

• Drummer Hal Blaine of the Wrecking Crew played a set of tire chains in Simon and Garfunkel’s “Bridge Over Troubled Water.”

• Billy Joel played piano on the Shangri-Las’ teenage angst classic “Leader of the Pack.” He was 16.

The British government has 100,000 cats on the payroll—they work as rat-catchers.

WEIRD CANADA