Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (27 page)

It would have a high-strength plastic frame instead of a conventional steel one. Using a revolutionary new process known as elastic reservoir molding (ERM), the frame would be stronger than steel but would weigh half as much, making the car faster. Bonus: ERM plastic was a lot cheaper to work with because the parts were made using simple plastic molds instead of the massive, very expensive stamping machines used for steel parts. (There was one drawback: ERM panels couldn’t be painted. DeLorean turned that to his advantage by giving the car a stainless-steel outer skin, which added to its mystique.)

The
Hopkins
diet? Kangaroo meat is cholesterol free.

BACK TO THE DRAWING BOARD

That was how the DeLorean was
supposed
to turn out, but things didn’t quite work out as planned:

The four-cylinder engine used in the early prototype turned out to be underpowered, so it was scrapped in favor of a larger, heavier six-cylinder engine. But the new engine was too big to fit where the old one had gone, so it was moved to the rear, which hurt the car’s performance.

ERM proved to be impractical, so it was abandoned in favor of a much heavier steel-and-fiberglass frame. Fiberglass could be painted, which made the heavy stainless-steel outer skin unnecessary, but DeLorean insisted on keeping it. By the time all the changes were made, the car was 900 pounds overweight, hurting its performance even further. Now the DeLorean accelerated more slowly than the Chevy Corvette, the Porsche 911, and even the much cheaper Mazda RX-7.

The DeLorean still
looked
like it was ahead of its time, but underneath its shiny skin and gull-wing doors it was pretty ordinary.

SUPPLY AND DEMAND

Even worse, by the time DeLorean was ready for production in 1979, the purchase price had soared to nearly $28,000, making it around $9,000 more expensive than the competing Corvette and $18,000 more expensive than the average car.

These figures should have been alarming because DeLorean was gearing up to manufacture 20,000 vehicles a year. A marketing study he had commissioned found that he would be able to sell that many cars only if it kept the price under $18,000. At $28,000, demand plummeted to less than 4,000 cars.

John DeLorean ignored the study and continued on.

For Part II of the DeLorean story, steer to
page 440
.

Goofy? Mickey? Nope—Walt Disney’s middle name was Elias.

COMMIE CRABS & THIRD-REICH RACCOONS

Two strange tales of nature’s revenge
.

S
TRANGE TALE #1
In the 1930s, Soviet leader Josef Stalin started a transplantation program for Kamchatka crabs, known in the West as Red King crabs. The crabs—whose claws can span five feet and can weigh as much as 25 pounds—are native to the northern Pacific between Russia and Alaska. Stalin had them shipped by train 5,000 miles east to the Barents Sea, off the Scandinavian Peninsula. Red King crabs are a delicacy, known for large quantities of succulent white meat, and Stalin thought they would provide food and create a local industry. But with no natural predators in their new home, there are an estimated 15 million of the Red King crabs in the Barents now. Biologists say the crabs are decimating local fish and shellfish populations, turning the seafloor into an underwater desert. The crabs are also invading neighboring countries, already in huge numbers hundreds of miles up Norway’s coast. Norwegians now fear an environmental disaster from what the media calls the invasion of “the new red army.”

STRANGE TALE #2

In 1934 Hermann Goering, the head of Nazi Germany’s Luftwaffe (air force), began a program of importing raccoons from the United States and releasing them into the wild in Germany. Raccoons aren’t native to Europe; Goering said he wanted to “enrich the fauna of the Reich.” Reports vary as to how many he imported—anywhere from one pair to 100—but what Goering didn’t consider is that the raccoons would have no natural enemies in the country. Today there are more than a million of them in Germany alone, and they’re spreading to neighboring countries. To counter the exponential growth of the invasive nocturnal creatures, in 2004 Germany announced that they would begin trapping and killing them. One town even hired a special wildlife officer to deal with the problem. They call him the “raccoon man.”

Celebrity beauty secrets: Cleopatra’s eye makeup was blue-black (upper lid) and green (lower).

FICTIONARY

The
Washington Post
runs an annual contest asking readers to come up with alternate meanings for various words. Here are some of the best we found (plus a few by the BRI
).

Oyster
(
n
), one who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

Counterfeiter
(
n
), a craftsman who installs fake kitchen cabinets.

Derange
(
n
), where de buffalo roam.

Heroes
(
v
), how a man moves a boat through the water.

Pokemon
(
n
), a Jamaican proctologist.

Subdued
(
n
), a guy who, like, you know, works on one of those, like, submarines.

Baloney
(
n
), where your shin is located.

Car battery
(
n
), auto abuse.

Abalone
(
n
), shellfish nonsense.

Bernadette
(
n
), the act of torching a mortgage.

Relief
(
v
), what trees do in the spring.

Jocular
(
adj
), to be funny
and
good at sports.

Discovery
(
n
), a fancy CD case.

Parasites
(
n
), what tourists see from the top of the Eiffel Tower.

Spice
(
n
), the plural of “spouse.”

Pharmacist
(
v
), to help out on the farm.

Willy-nilly
(adj), impotent.

Dilate
(
v
), reaching old age.

Barium
(
v
), what we do to our loved ones when they die.

Chinese checkers
(
n
), cashiers at the Beijing Piggly Wiggly.

Dogmatic
(
n
), a pooch that walks and feeds itself.

Dialogue
(
n
), Help for your tree is just a phone call away.

Avoidable
(
v
), what a bullfighter tries to do.

Burglarize
(
n
), what a robber sees with.

Polarize
(
n
), what a polar bear sees with.

Ostracize
(
n
), what an ostrich…oh, you get the idea.

In Houston, Texas, it is illegal to grunt while moving boxes.

HAMBURGER 911

This may sound unbelievable, but it comes from the transcript of an actual 911 call made in Orange County, California
.

D
ispatcher:
Sheriff’s department, how can I help you?

Woman:
Yeah, I’m over here at Burger King right here in San Clemente.

Dispatcher:
Uh-huh.

Woman:
Um, no, not San Clemente—sorry—I
live
in San Clemente. I’m in Laguna Niguel, I think. That’s where I’m at.

Dispatcher:
Uh-huh.

Woman:
I’m at a drive-through right now.

Dispatcher:
Uh-huh.

Woman:
I ordered my food three times. They’re mopping the floor inside, and I understand they’re busy…they’re not even busy, okay? I’m the only car here. I asked them four different times to make me a Western Barbeque Burger. They keep giving me a hamburger with lettuce, tomato, and cheese, onions, and I said, “I’m not leaving…”

Dispatcher:
Uh-huh.

Woman:
I want a Western Burger because I just got my kids from Tae Kwon Do. They’re hungry, I’m on my way home, and I live in San Clemente.

Dispatcher:
Uh-huh.

Woman:
Okay, she gave me another hamburger. It’s wrong. I said four times, I said, “I want my hamburger right.” So then the lady called the manager. She…well, whoever she is, she came up and she said, “Do you want your money back?” And I said, “No, I want my hamburger. My kids are hungry, and I have to jump on that freeway.” I said, “I am not leaving this spot,” and I said, “I will call the police because I want my Western Burger done right!” Now is that so hard?

Dispatcher:
Okay, what exactly is it you want us to do for you?

Woman:
Send an officer down here. I want them to make me…

The B.F. in B.F. Goodrich stands for “Benjamin Franklin.”

Dispatcher:
Ma’am, we’re not going to go down there and enforce your Western Bacon Cheeseburger.

Woman:
What am I supposed to do?

Dispatcher:
This is between you and the manager. We’re not going to enforce how to make a hamburger; that’s not a criminal issue. There’s nothing criminal there.

Woman:
So I just stand here…so I just sit here and block…

Dispatcher:
You need to calmly and rationally speak to the manager and figure out what to do between you.

Woman:
She did come up, and I said, “Can I please have my Western Burger?” She said, “I’m not dealing with it,” and she walked away. Because they’re mopping the floor, and it’s also the fact that they don’t want to…they don’t want to go and…

Dispatcher:
Then I suggest you get your money back and go somewhere else. This is not a criminal issue. We can’t go out there and make them make you a cheeseburger the way you want it.

Woman:
Well, you’re supposed to be here to protect me.

Dispatcher:
Well, what are we protecting you from, a wrong cheeseburger?

Woman:
No…

Dispatcher:
Is this like…a harmful cheeseburger or something? I don’t understand what you want us to do.

Woman:
Just come down here. I’m not leaving.