Uncle John’s Fast-Acting Long-Lasting Bathroom Reader (29 page)

What do you get when you cross a four-leaf clover with poison ivy? A rash of good luck.

•
Only Province to Have Been a Nation
. Newfoundland was an independent country (part of the British Commonwealth of former colonies) from 1907 to 1934. It became part of Canada in 1949.

•
Oldest Known European Settlement in North America
. Ruins of Viking sod houses still stand at L’Anse aux Meadows in Newfoundland. The area was settled around A.D. 1000.

•
Most Places to Drink
. George Street in St. John’s has the most pubs per square foot in all of Canada. The most popular drink is Newfoundland Screech, a local brand of rum.

•
Most Scary Creatures
. Columnist and paranormal researcher Dale Jarvis says Newfoundland is “blessed with more fairies, devils, old hags, phantoms, and sea monsters than any other spot in Canada.” (He may have had too much Screech.)

OTHER NIFTY NEWFIE NEWS

• There are no snakes, skunks, deer, porcupines, or groundhogs on the island. Moose were introduced to the island in 1878, chipmunks in 1962, and squirrels in 1963.

• Newfoundland has its own time zone: Newfoundland Standard Time. It’s 1 ½ hours ahead of Eastern Standard Time.

• The province consists of Newfoundland, an island, and Labrador, on mainland Canada. Though still informally called Newfoundland, the provincial government has referred to itself since 1964 as the Government of Newfoundland and Labrador. In 2001 the Constitution of Canada also made the name change.

• The names of some Newfoundland towns: Come by Chance, Tickle Cove, Heart’s Content, and Dildo.

• The Iceberg Corporation of St. John’s harvests icebergs to produce Iceberg water, Iceberg beer, and Iceberg vodka.

• The Grand Banks, an underwater plateau off Newfoundland, is home to one of the world’s largest oil-drilling rigs, the Hibernia Platform, which is designed to withstand a collision with a millionton iceberg.

The first space satellite, Sputnik I, was about the size of a basketball.

UNCLE JOHN’S PAGE OF LISTS

Random bits of interesting information from the BRI files
.

5 Songs on George W. Bush’s iPod

1
. “Brown Eyed Girl” by Van Morrison

2
. “Centerfield” by John Fogerty

3
. “(You’re So Square) Baby, I Don’t Care” by Joni Mitchell

4
. “Alive ‘n’ Kick-in’” by Kenny Loggins

5
. “My Sharona” by The Knack

5 Types of Cars

1
. 4-door sedan

2
. 2-door coupe

3
. Station wagon

4
. Convertible

5
. Sports car

6 Stars Who Took Karate Lessons from Chuck Norris

1
. Bob Barker

2
. Priscilla Presley

3
. Steve McQueen

4
. Michael Landon

5
. Marie Osmond

6
. Donny Osmond

Top 5 Inventions (1998 survey)

1
. Toilet

2
. Computer

3
. Printing press

4
. Fire

5
. Wheel

5 Foreign Names for Colonel Mustard (from Clue)

1
. Oberst Von Gatow (Germany)

2
. Si. Mustardas (Greece)

3
. Colonel Moutarde (France, Belgium)

4
. Oberst Gulin (Norway)

5
. Madame Curry (Switzerland)

8 Most Shoplifted Items

1
. Pain relievers

2
. Pregnancy tests

3
. Disposable razors

4
. Film

5
. Baby formula

6
. Preparation H

7
. Decongestant

8
. Laxatives

5 Entertainers Who Had Airports Named After Them

1
. Bob Hope

2
. John Wayne

3
. Ronald Reagan

4
. John Lennon

5
. Will Rogers

13
Cigarette Additives

1
. Yeast

2
. Coffee

3
. Honey

4
. Rum

5
. Fig juice

6
. Cognac oil

7
. Chocolate

8
. Carrot oil

9
. Caffeine

10
. Apple skins

11
. Nutmeg powder

12
. Ammonia

13
. Vinegar

3 Poems by Jimmy Carter

1
. “A Motorcycling Sister”

2
. “My First Try for Votes”

3
. “Of Possum and Fatback”

69% of Americans own at least one personal computer.

FOOTBALL NAMES

Every football team has a storied history. So do their names
.

P
ITTSBURGH STEELERS
. Originally named the Pirates after Pittsburgh’s professional baseball team, in 1940 owner Al Rooney renamed the team for the city’s steel industry.

HOUSTON TEXANS
. The Dallas Texans were one of the original AFL teams. They moved to Kansas City in 1963, so when Houston got an expansion team in 2002, they revived the name.

KANSAS CITY CHIEFS
. Dallas Texans owner Lamar Hunt was reluctant to relocate to Kansas City until Mayor H. Roe “Chief” Bartle promised to enlarge the city’s stadium and guarantee high season ticket sales. Hunt showed his appreciation by naming the team after him.

BALTIMORE RAVENS
. Selected by fans (via a telephone poll) from a list of 100 NFL-approved names. Baltimore was once the home of poet Edgar Allan Poe, author of “The Raven.”

ATLANTA FALCONS
. In 1965 the new team held a contest to name the franchise. A teacher from Griffin, Georgia, suggested Falcons: “The falcon is proud and dignified, with great courage and fight. It is deadly and has a great sporting tradition.”

MINNESOTA VIKINGS
. General manager Bert Rose came up with the name as a nod to the area’s large Nordic population.

INDIANAPOLIS COLTS
. Originated as the Baltimore Colts in 1947, the name recognizes Baltimore’s long tradition of horse breeding and racing.

SAN FRANCISCO 49ERS
. The name is a reference to the gold rush prospectors who came west in 1849, the year after gold was discovered at Sutter’s Mill in the mountains east of San Francisco.

TENNESSEE TITANS
. Formerly the Tennessee Oilers (after a move from Houston), owner Bud Adams picked the name from Greek mythology. He thought it was appropriate because the team played in Nashville, nicknamed “the Athens of the South.”

What did Arist-t-t-otle, Winston Ch-ch-churchill, and M-m-marilyn…

THE WIND EAGLE

Here is an American Indian legend from the Abenaki people, who once inhabited the area that is now New England. After the Europeans arrived, those who survived went north to Quebec, where their culture and stories are carried on
.

L
ong ago, Gluscabi
lived with his grandmother, Woodchuck, in a small lodge beside the big water. One day Gluscabi said, “I think it is time to hunt some ducks.” So he took his bow and arrows and got into his canoe. As he paddled out into the bay, he sang:

Ki yo wah ji neh

yo hey ho hey

Ki yo wah ji neh

Ki yo wah ji neh

But just then the wind came up and blew him back to shore. Gluscabi tried to paddle out again, but the wind blew harder. He sang again—louder still. But the wind blew even harder. Four times he tried to paddle out into the bay, and four times he failed.

Gluscabi was unhappy. He went to the lodge of his grandmother and asked her, “What makes the wind blow?”

Grandmother Woodchuck looked up from her work. “Ah, Gluscabi,” she said.

“Whenever you ask such questions I feel there is going to be trouble. But I know that you are very stubborn and will never stop asking. So, I shall tell you. If you walk always facing the wind you will come to the place where Wuchowsen stands.”

“Thank you, Grandmother!” said Gluscabi as he left the lodge and began to walk into the wind.

Gluscabi walked across
the fields, and through the woods, and the wind blew hard. Through the valleys and into the hills and the wind blew harder still. Up into the mountains and the wind blew even harder. It was so strong that it blew off Gluscabi’s moccasins. But being very stubborn, he kept on walking. Now the wind was so strong that it blew off all his clothes and he was naked, but he still kept walking. Now the wind was so very strong that it blew off his hair and eyebrows.

…M-m-monroe have in c-c-common? They s-s-stuttered.

Gluscabi had to pull himself along by grabbing hold of the boulders. But there, on the peak ahead of him, he could see a great bird flapping its wings. It was Wuchowsen, the Wind Eagle.

Gluscabi took a deep breath
.

“Grandfather!” he shouted.

The Wind Eagle stopped flapping his wings and looked around. “Who calls me Grandfather?” he said.

Gluscabi stood up. “I do. I came up here to tell you that you do a very good job making the wind blow.”

The Wind Eagle puffed out his chest with pride. “You mean like this?” he said and flapped his wings even harder. The wind was so strong that it almost blew Gluscabi right off of the mountain.

“You do a very good job of making the wind blow, Grandfather. This is so. But it seems to me that you could do an even better job if you were on that peak over there.”

The Wind Eagle replied, “Perhaps…but how would I get from here to there?”

Gluscabi smiled. “I will carry you. Wait here.” Then he ran back down the mountain until he came to a big basswood tree. He stripped off the bark and braided a strong carrying strap, which he took back up the mountain.

“Here, Grandfather,” Gluscabi said, “let me wrap this around you so I can lift you more easily.” Then he wrapped the strap so tightly around Wuchowsen that his wings were pulled to his sides and he could hardly breathe.

“Now, Grandfather,” said Gluscabi, picking the Wind Eagle up, “I will take you to a better place.”

Gluscabi began to walk toward the other peak but stopped at a large crevice. As he stepped over it, he let go of the Wind Eagle, who slid down into the crevice, upside down, and was stuck.

“Now,” Gluscabi said, “it is time to go hunt some ducks.”

Gluscabi walked and walked
until he got back to the lodge by the big water, and by now all his hair had grown back. And the wind did not blow.

He got some new clothing and took his bow and arrows and went back to the bay. As he paddled out into the water he sang his canoeing song:

Ki yo wah ji neh

yo hey ho hey

Sickening fact: Americans spend $957.3 billion on health care every year.

Ki yo wah ji neh Ki yo wah ji neh

But the air was so still and hot that it was hard to breathe. Soon the water began to grow dirty and smell bad, and there was so much foam that he could hardly paddle.

Gluscabi was not pleased
at all and went back to his grandmother’s lodge. “What is wrong?” he asked. “The air is hot and still, and it is hard to breathe. The water is dirty and covered with foam. I cannot hunt ducks at all.”

Grandmother Woodchuck said, “Gluscabi, what have you done now?”

Sheepishly, he told her.

“Oh, Gluscabi,” she said, “Will you never learn? Tabaldak, the Owner, set the Wind Eagle on that mountain to make the wind because we need the wind. The wind keeps the air cool and clean. It brings the clouds that give us rain to wash the Earth. It moves the waters to keep them fresh and sweet. Without the wind, life will not be good for us, for our children, or our children’s children.”

Gluscabi nodded his head.

“I understand, Grandmother.” He walked all the way back to the crevice. There was Wuchosen, the Wind Eagle, wedged upside down.

“Uncle?” Gluscabi called.

The Wind Eagle looked up as best he could. “Who calls me Uncle?” he said.

“I’m up here. But what are you doing down there?”

“Oh,” said the Wind Eagle, “a very ugly naked man fooled me and trapped me here. And I am so uncomfortable.”

“Ah, Grandfath…er, Uncle, I will get you out.” Then Gluscabi climbed down into the crevice. He pulled the Wind Eagle free and placed him back on the mountain and untied his wings.

“Uncle,” Gluscabi said
, “it is good that the wind should blow sometimes and that it should be still at other times.”

The Wind Eagle looked at Gluscabi and then nodded his head. “Grandson,” he said, “I hear what you say.”

And so it is that sometimes there is wind and sometimes it is very still to this very day.

*        *        *

Yiddish proverb
: “If triangles had a God, He’d have three sides.”

In 2002, paleontologists discovered 160-million-year-old fossilized dinosaur vomit.