Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (46 page)

Movie:
North to Alaska
(1960)

Scene:
John Wayne gets into a fight in a bar.

Blooper:
He loses his toupee. Then in the next scene, he’s hairy again.

Movie:
Presumed Innocent
(1990)

Scene:
Harrison Ford is besieged by journalists outside the courtroom. A reporter holds a cassette tape recorder up to Ford’s face for a comment.

Blooper:
It has no tape in it.

Did you know that bathroom humor nearly killed “The Tonight Show” in 1960? It was a big story that year—if you’re old enough to have watched “The Tonight Show” back then, you probably remember it well. If not, here’s the tale.

F
EBRUARY 10, 1960

It began like any other night on “The Tonight Show.” Jack

Paar walked out onstage, greeted the audience, and began his monologue.

On this night, however, things would be different. Paar wanted to tell a joke he’d heard from a friend. The friend had learned it from his daughter, who learned it when her junior high school teacher told it to the class. After telling the joke, the teacher passed out typewritten copies of it for the kids to share with their parents. The girl’s father liked the joke so much that he gave his copy to Paar.

The joke was slightly risqué by 1960 TV standards. But Paar figured that if it was appropriate for a junior high school class, it was appropriate for his television audience. “I could have read it in church,” he joked years later. “Not on Sundays, but I could read it during choir practice on Wednesday.”

Paar told the audience that he had debated reading the joke on the show, and hinted that it might not appeal to everyone. “There’s a slight question of taste involved here,” he said. “I do this only with full knowledge that we’re an adult group gathered at this hour, and we’re not here to do anyone any harm.” And then he told the joke.

THE JOKE

“An English lady, while visiting Switzerland, was looking for a room, and she asked the schoolmaster if he could recommend any to her. He took her to see several rooms, and when everything was settled, the lady returned to her home to make the final preparations to move.

“When she arrived home, the thought suddenly occurred to her that she had not seen a W.C. That’s a water closet to the British. We would call it a bathroom or ladies’ room, men’s room. I guess a bathroom.

“So she immediately wrote a note to the schoolmaster asking him if there were a W.C. around. The schoolmaster was a very poor student of English, so he asked the parish priest if he could help in the matter. Together they tried to discover the meaning of the letters W.C. and the only solution they could find for the letters was a ‘Wayside Chapel.’ The schoolmaster then wrote to the English lady the following note:

“DEAR MADAM:

‘I take great pleasure in informing you that the W.C. is situated nine miles from the house you occupy, in the center of a beautiful grove of pine trees surrounded by lovely grounds. It is capable of holding 229 people and it is open on Sunday and Thursday only. As there is a great number of people and they are expected during the summer months, I would suggest that you come early, although there is plenty of standing room as a rule.

‘You will no doubt be glad to hear that a good number of people bring their lunch and make a day of it, while others who can afford to go by car and arrive just in time. I would especially recommend that your ladyship go on Thursday when there is musical accompaniment.

‘It may interest you to know that my daughter was married in the W.C. and it was there that she met her husband. I can remember the rush there was for seats. There were ten people to a seat usually occupied by one. It was wonderful to see the expressions on their faces.

‘The newest attraction is a bell donated by a wealthy resident of the district. It rings every time a person enters. A bazaar is to be held to provide plush seats for all the people, since they feel it is a long-felt need. My wife is rather delicate, so she can’t attend regularly.

‘I shall be delighted to reserve the best seat for you if you wish, where you will be seen by all. For the children, there is a special time and place so that they will not disturb the elders. Hoping to have been some service to you, I remain

‘Sincerely,

‘The Schoolmaster’”

THAT’S NO JOKE

The joke got a hearty laugh from the audience. Paar thanked them and said, “You’re my kind of people.”

But apparently they weren’t NBC’s kind of people. Then, as now, “The Tonight Show” was taped in the afternoon, and broadcast at 11:30 p.m. after NBC censors had a chance to look it over. They had never made any substantive changes in the show before…but that night they excised the entire water closet joke without telling Paar in advance. “Some idiot got concerned about the words ‘water closet,’ “ he later explained.

Paar was angry when he found out what had happened, but he thought the controversy would make for an interesting discussion on his show. He proposed airing the censored joke the following evening, to “let the viewers decide for themselves” whether it was appropriate. NBC refused. Paar was furious—he felt the censorship was damaging to his reputation, since it implied that he had told a smutty joke on TV.

THAT’S ALL, FOLKS

The following evening, Paar walked out onto the stage as usual…but rather than deliver his monologue, he vented his rage at NBC. Calling the censorship “a question of free speech,” Paar announced that he was quitting “The Tonight Show.” “There must be a better way to make a living than this,” he said. “I love NBC, and they’ve been wonderful to me, but they let me down.” Then he bade farewell to the audience, telling them, “You’ve always been peachy to me, always.”

He walked off the stage and went home, leaving his shocked sidekick, Hugh Downs, to finish the show alone. “Is he gone?” Downs asked in amazement, telling the audience, “Jack frequently does things he regrets.”

HIDING OUT

The incident made headlines all over the country. But Paar was nowhere to be found—he and his wife, Miriam, had escaped to Florida, where they hid out in a half-finished luxury hotel that a friend was building.

The Paars didn’t have a phone at the hotel, but NBC somehow learned of their hiding place, and network president Robert Kintner flew down to talk things out. He eventually talked Paar into coming back…but only after he and Robert Sarnoff, the chairman of NBC, both publicly apologized for censoring the joke. Paar returned on March 7 after being absent nearly a month. “As I was saying before I was interrupted…,” he joked with the audience. “There must be a better way of making a living than this. Well, I’ve looked. And there isn’t!”

PAAR’S NO. 1 PROBLEM

Paar’s protest increased his celebrity status and made him a hero of sorts with the public. Ironically, however, the bathroom joke that nearly ended his career was now making it almost impossible for him to use public restrooms, because wherever he went—even to the bathroom—admirers would approach him and congratulate him on his victory.

“Finally you reach the porcelain,” he lamented, “and find that—with all eyes on your performance—you cannot! What to do? They are all watching! You panic because now they might think you are some kind of weirdo or voyeur looking around. You press the handle of the urinal, you whistle, and you wish you could get the battery-jump starter from the trunk of your auto.…I tell you, it’s very hard being a star in a men’s room.”

Turn to
page 327
for Part V of “The Tonight Show’s” history.

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Precise definition:
“Egotist: A person more interested in himself than me.”

—Ambrose Bierce

As the year 2000 gets closer, you can be sure someone will put together a film festival featuring all the cheesy flicks ever made with “2000” in the title. Here’s a preview of what you can expect to see there.

C
HERRY 2000
(1987)

Plot:
In the year 2000, a man short-circuits his sex-toy robots and goes looking for replacement parts across dangerous terrain. On the way, he meets a real female—Melanie Griffith (before breast implants).

DEATH RACE 2000
(1975). The ads said: “In the year 2000, hit-and-run driving is no longer a felony, it’s a national sport!”

Plot:
Top driver “Frankenstein” (David Carradine) battles Machine Gun Joe Viterbo (Sly Stallone) to win the annual transcontinental race. The more people you run over, the better your score. Written by Charles Griffith (
Little Shop of Horrors).

EQUALIZER 2000
(1987)

Plot:
“Another Road Warrior-style post-Holocaust picture (set in Alaska, which is now a desert). A military/industrial compound protects the precious commodity of oil (sound familiar?). One of the guarding group’s officers is betrayed, so his son takes off for the ‘wasteland.’ There he’s captured by rebels, and eventually leads an assault on the compound.”—
Film Encyclopedia of Science Fiction

MADRID IN THE YEAR 2000
(1925) Early silent film.

Plot:
Unknown. Featured special effects which were so unbelievable (even then) that audience members burst out laughing.

1 APRIL 2000
(1950) A propaganda film from the Austrian government, designed to convince Allied forces (then occupying Austria) to grant them self-determination. An historical curiosity.

Plot:
Depicts the chaos that would result if Allied forces waited until April Fool’s Day 2000 to give Austria its independence. Notable for introducing actor Curt Jurgens (who became a well-known movie star).

TEST-TUBE TEENS FROM THE YEAR 2000
(1993)

Original title:
The Virgin Hunters

Plot:
“When sex is banned in the year 2000, horny teenagers are left with no choice but to travel though time for some action.”

—VideoHound’s Golden Movie Retriever

“The fast-forwardable plot concerns the title characters’ efforts to go back in time and stop Camella Swales (Morgan Fairchild) from banning conventional reproduction….This, folks, is what low-budget video is all about.

—VideoHound’s Complete Guide to Cult Flicks and Trash Pics

BURGLARY IN THE YEAR 2000
(1909) The first movie ever released with the year 2000 in its title.

Plot:
A professor invents a substance that enables objects like chairs and tables to get up and walk away. Two burglars steal the stuff and use it to commit a series of crimes. But they drink too much wine, fall asleep, and are nabbed by the police. According to a contemporary review in
Moving Picture World
, the effect offered “considerable magic” and audiences “laughed heartily.”

ESCAPE 2000
(1982) Original title:
Turkey Shoot.

Plot:
In the year 1995, the world population has been subjugated; individuality is not permitted. People who refuse to conform are labeled “deviates” and are sent to behavioral modification centers—then they’re hunted in jungles for sport. Critical comment: “Repulsive…If constant whippings, decapitations and burnings are your idea of a good time, this one’s for you.”—
Movies on TV and Video Cassette

JONAH—WHO WILL BE 25 IN THE YEAR 2000
(1976)

This one is actually a good film.

Plot:
Swiss director Alain Tanner’s bittersweet story of eight disillusioned 1960s revolutionaries who are trying to adjust to life in the 1970s. The reference to 2000 comes up in the friends’ spontaneous song about one character’s unborn son, Jonah:

In the year 2000, Jonah will be 25 / At 25, the century will disgorge him. The whale of history will disgorge Jonah / Who will be 25 in the year 2000 That’s the time left to us / To help get him out, out of the mess.

It’s interesting to study the paintings of the great masters…but sometimes it’s even more fun to study the work of the great fakers. Like these folks.

H
ANS VAN MEEGEREN

Background:
At the end of World War II, Dutch authorities began investigating the sale of Dutch national treasures to Nazi officials. They learned that Hans Van Meegeren, a struggling Dutch artist, had sold a priceless 17th-century Vermeer called
Christ and the Adulteress
to Nazi leader Hermann Goering for $256,000. Once the painting was repossessed and authenticated as a work painted during Vermeer’s “middle period,” Van Meegeren was arrested and charged with collaborating with the Nazis—a crime punishable by death.