Uncle John’s Giant 10th Anniversary Bathroom Reader (83 page)

3. a.
It started with a shopping trip. Roy and Billy Dees, a songwriter Orbison had been collaborating with, were sitting in the Orbisons’ house when Orbison’s wife, Claudette, announced she was going into town to buy some groceries. “Do you need any money?” Roy asked. Dees said, “A pretty woman never needs any money.” Then he turned to Roy and said, “Hey, how about that for a song title?” Orbison liked the idea of doing a song about a “pretty woman,” but not the part about the money. After Claudette left, they began turning the phrase into a song. And when she returned, carrying bags of food, she was greeted by the debut performance of her husband’s second #1 tune.

4. b.
The Four Seasons and a bunch of side musicians were in a recording studio in the Abbey Victoria Hotel on Seventh Avenue in New York City, recording “Walk Like a Man.” After a few takes, it was obvious to everyone in the studio that something was wrong. But Bob Crewe, the producer, refused to pay attention. “Another take,” he kept saying. Here’s the story of the unusual session, as told by a participant, guitarist Vinnie Bell:

      
As we were recording, there was a sudden pounding on the door. And there was the smell of smoke. And plaster was starting to fall from the ceiling. And water was leaking in…while we’re recording! And there’s this pounding on the door of the studio, and Bob Crewe wouldn’t unlock it—he kept saying, “We’ll open it in a second, there’s one more take.” And the water’s pouring onto us, and we’ve got electric guitars in our hands—we were afraid we were gonna be electrocuted. Finally, the [firemen] axed their way right through the door—and Crewe’s trying to push them out! And then we could see the smoke pouring through. It seems that the floor above us in that hotel was on fire! It was barely audible from inside the studio, but you could hear fire engines and all that—the whole bit. And this guy was so intent on making the record—on getting another take—that he kept trying to push these guys out…until they knocked him on the floor.

And that was it for the recording session.

5. b.
The story behind this record—which was certified gold in 1969 and still refuses to die—is almost unbelievable. Paul Leka was a producer at Mercury Records in 1969. He persuaded the label to sign a friend named Gary De Carlo, and they did a recording session together. They thought everything they recorded was good enough to be a hit, so they decided to record one really cheesy song for the B side of De Carlo’s first single release. That way they’d save the good stuff for later.

The day of the B-side session, Leka ran into a friend he once wrote songs with. They remembered a tune called “Kiss Him Good-by” they’d written years earlier and decided to make that the stinker. The only problem: It was just two minutes long. They wanted to make it twice as long to make sure it never got on the air—no disc jockey would dare play a four-minute record—so they added a chorus…except they couldn’t think of any words for it. So Leka just started singing “Na-na-na…” and someone else started singing “Hey-hey.” And that was it. They didn’t bother with lyrics because it was just a B-side.

To Leka’s astonishment and embarrassment, when Mercury heard it, they decided to release it as an A-side. The musicians all agreed it should come out under an alias—and came up with Steam because at the end of the recording session, they’d seen a humongous cloud of steam coming out of a New York manhole cover.

6. c.
Satchmo was making an album of show tunes, and David Merrick was trying to promote his new musical, so he encouraged performers to sing it. Armstrong had never heard of “Hello Dolly.” And though he liked the tune, he was appalled that after all the innovative work he’d done in his career, his biggest hit was this silly, simple song.

7. a.
Percy Sledge worked as an orderly at Colbert County Hospital in Alabama during the day and sang with a band called the Esquires Combo at night. One evening, the Esquires Combo was playing at a club in Sheffield, Alabama, and Sledge just couldn’t keep his mind on the songs he was supposed to be singing. He was upset about a woman. Overcome by emotion, he turned to bass player Cameron Lewis and organ player Andrew Wright and begged them to play something he could sing to. Anything—it didn’t matter what. The musicians looked at each other, shrugged, and just started playing. And Percy made up “When a Man Loves a Woman,” one of the prettiest soul ballads ever written, on the spot.

Here are the answers to “It’s the Law…Or Is It?” (
page 301
), according to the book
Legal Briefs.

1. b.
Nice try, Bill, but no dice. A number of debts can’t be discharged by bankruptcy, including alimony, child support, certain tax fines and claims, most student loans, court fines and penalties, and court-ordered restitution.

Another note:
If Bill goes on a spending spree right before he declares bankruptcy (within 40 days), he’s stuck with those debts, too, if

• The purchase totals more than $500

• It was payable to a single creditor

• The money was spent on luxury goods or services

2. c.
At last count, 31 states say “No” to marriages between first cousins. But Tom and Sue can still get married in Alabama, California, Colorado, Connecticut, Delaware, Florida, Georgia, and a bunch more.

Notes:
Cancel your tuxedo rental and send the caterers home if the proposed marriage is between a brother and sister, a parent and child, an aunt and nephew, or an uncle and niece. No state allows these marriages.

3. b.
Traffic signs and theft/damage disclaimer signs aren’t always enforceable on private property. Police can’t give you a courtenforceable ticket for exceeding a private speed limit or making a privately prohibited turn onto a public highway. Courts have ruled that a person violating this type of sign is only “negligent.”

F.Y.I: Police can’t issue citations for accidents or other traffic violations on private property, either.

Another bit of interesting info:
Signs on private property (like shopping centers) that claim to waive responsibility for theft and damage to your vehicle or possessions while you’re doing business there may
not
be valid. A court has to base its decision on what they see as the property owner’s “duty” to provide a reasonably safe environment for people and their possessions.

4. c.
Depending on your history, they
could
have you arrested. Writing a bad check is considered a theft ranging from a misdemeanor to a second-degree felony. The penalty depends on the amount of the check and the legal history of the person who bounced it. In any event, most state laws limit the amount a store can charge you for a bounced check. Usually the fee has to be reasonable, and it has to be agreed to in writing.

5. a.
If a bank card is lost or stolen, the owner’s liability depends on how quickly the loss is reported to the company that issued the card. If it’s within 2 working days, liability is only for the first $50. If it’s within sixty days, liability is up to $500. If the loss isn’t reported within 60 days of the owner’s last financial statement, the owner is responsible for all charges—even if they total more than $500.

6. a.
or
c.
Although a patent provides exclusive rights for 17 years, it may take time…and while you’re waiting, companies can infringe on it.

Plus, sometimes it’s smarter to keep it secret. A good secret can last forever. Had Coca-Cola’s formula been patented, for example, it would have expired years ago and everyone could be using it now. By keeping the recipe a secret, Coca-Cola has been able to enjoy its exclusivity for many more years. Bear in mind, however, that keeping a secret can be pretty difficult.

7. b.
Only a handful of states honor oral wills. These include California, Illinois, Kentucky, New York, and Ohio. They have strict procedures that must be followed, including having witnesses who are not beneficiaries and putting the words in writing within a certain period of time after the verbal bequest is made.

How’d you do? We’ll test you again in the next edition.

F
ELLOW BATHROOM READERS:

The fight for good bathroom reading should never be taken loosely—we must sit firmly for what we believe in, even while the rest of the world is taking pot shots at us.

Once we prove we’re not simply a flush-in-the-pan, writers and publishers will find their resistance unrolling.

So we invite you to take the plunge: Sit Down and Be Counted! by joining The Bathroom Readers’ Institute. Send a self-addressed, stamped envelope to: BRI, PO Box 1117, Ashland, Oregon 97520. or contact us through our Web site at:
www.bathroomreader.com
. You’ll receive your attractive free membership card, and a copy of the BRI newsletter (if we ever get around to publishing one), and earn a permanent spot on the BRI honor roll!

UNCLE JOHN’S NEXT

BATHROOM READER IS IN THE WORKS!

Don’t fret—there’s more good reading on its way. In fact, there are a few ways
you
can contribute to the next volume:

1.
Is there a subject you’d like to see us cover? Write to us or contact us through our Web site (
www.bathroomreader.com
) and let us know. We aim to please.

2.
Got a neat idea for a couple of pages in the new
Reader?
If you’re the first to suggest it, and we use it, we’ll send you a free book.

3.
Have you seen or read an article you’d recommend as quintessential bathroom reading? Or is there a passage in a book that you want to share with other BRI members? Tell us where to find it, or send a copy. If you’re the first to suggest it and we publish it in the next volume, there’s a free book in it for you.

Well, we’re out of space, and when you’ve gotta go, you’ve gotta go. Hope to hear from you soon. Meanwhile, remember:

Go with the flow.