Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (3 page)

In a few weeks, this
Bathroom Reader
will start rolling into homes all over North America—thanks to an incredibly dedicated BRI staff, our distributors, and the printers who accommodate our insane schedules. (Thanks, Julie.)

You’d think that with a whole year to work on this edition, we’d be taking it easy by now. But no, Uncle John does everything (and we mean
everything
) at the last minute.

So once again, we’ve spent a sleepless week trying to get this book out before the end of the year.

You may wonder why, after 11 crazy seasons, we’re still writing the books. Well, first and foremost, it’s because we love the work. Researching and writing
Bathroom Readers
is an adventure—like digging through a treasure chest of information, and then sharing the wealth.

But there’s another compelling reason: you. The enthusiastic response that our books have generated from loyal readers over the years makes it all worthwhile. We know you’re going to enjoy our work, and make it a part of your lives—often in unexpected ways. Take this letter, for example:

Dear Gentleperson:

I just received a copy of
Uncle John’s 8th Bathroom Reader
, and I feel compelled to express my whole-hearted thankfulness. Because of your series, I survived a harrowing pediatric rotation during my training for my Family Medicine specialty.

Unbeknownst to most lay people, family medicine residents are often looked down upon by other specialists and specialty trainers, so you [can] imagine what I was up against, being the
only
family medicine resident amongst the rest of the pediatric residents. To make matters worse, one of our pediatrician trainers would ruthlessly question us regarding our hospital cases, asking us terribly difficult questions, not merely for educational purposes, but to humiliate us before our peers,
superiors, and inferiors. Even if we gave the correct answer, he would then grill us to quote the exact source of our answer, including journal, article and author....

Among the patients I was assigned to, was one—this trainer smugly told me—that four pediatric residents couldn’t help, because they couldn’t get his fluids balanced (fluids in should equal fluids out). Could I, a
family practice resident
, do what four other pediatric residents couldn’t do?

I looked at the situation and told him, “He’s about two quarts dry from what I can tell.”

“Oh? And why is that so?”

“You’re suctioning out his saliva. The average daily production of saliva is approximately two quarts.”

“Two quarts? And where did you read this?”

By this time, I was very irritated by his pompous and insulting attitude, and I guess I was spoiling for a fight. Making very direct eye contact, I gave him the following snarky answer: “
Uncle John’s Bathroom Reader
, Volume I, bottom of
page 85
. And you can look that up yourself.”

I made the appropriate changes [with the patient], and the next day, everything was right on the nose!! Perfect balance!

The good news is that this pediatrician never questioned me again and never asked for the source of an answer.

Thank you very much, Bathroom Readers’ Institute. Not only did you allow me to pass my rotation with the least amount of resident abuse, you also saved my sanity.

—
Ann H., Ohio

While we don’t recommend using a
Bathroom Reader
as a medical textbook (or any kind of textbook, for that matter), we really enjoy knowing that our work is more than just a way to pass the...uh ... time. And frankly, we’re already working on the next edition.

Until then, thanks for your support, and remember:

Go with the flow

It’s fascinating to find out the inspiration behind cultural milestones like these.

C
LINT EASTWOOD.
“Developed his distinctive manner of speech by studying the breathy whisper of Marilyn Monroe.”

THE WWI GERMAN ARMY.
Kaiser Wilhelm, the leader of Germany, was so impressed with the efficiency of Buffalo Bill’s Wild West Show when it toured Europe in the early 1900s, that he modeled his army on it.

THE CHEVROLET INSIGNIA.
Billy Durant, founder of General Motors, liked the wallpaper pattern in a Paris hotel so much that he ripped off a piece and brought it back to Detroit to copy as the symbol for his new Chevrolet car.

THE QUEENS
in a deck of cards were originally depictions of Queen Elizabeth, wife of Henry VII of England.

LUCY.
Perhaps the most famous human fossil ever discovered. The bones were dug up in Ethiopia in 1975—at the time, the oldest human remains in the world (3.2 million years old). They were named after the song playing on a tape recorder at the time—“Lucy in the Sky with Diamonds.”

ROMEO and JULIET.
Were real lovers in Verona, Italy in the early 1300s—and they really did die for each other. The story was passed from writer to writer until Shakespeare found it, apparently in a 1562 poem by Arthur Brooke, called
Romeo and Juliet, containing a rare example of loves constancie...

FAT ALBERT.
The slow-witted, good-natured cartoon character was modeled after Bill Cosby’s dyslexic brother, Russell.

We’re back, with one of our regular features. Do court transcripts make good bathroom reading? Check out these quotes. They’re things people actually said in court, recorded word for word.

Q:
“Well, sir, judging from your answer on how you reacted to the emergency call, it sounds like you are a man of intelligence and good judgement.”

A:
“Thank you, and if I weren’t under oath I’d return the compliment.”

Q:
“And you’re saying because she’s dead she’s no longer alive; is that what you’re saying?”

A:
“Is there a dispute there?”

Q:
“What did he say?”

A:
“About that? All the way back he—I’ve never been called so many names.”

Q:
“You’re not married, I take it.”

Q:
“You say that the stairs went down to the basement?”

A:
“Yes.”

Q:
“And these stairs, did they go up also?”

Q:
“What is the meaning of sperm being present?”

A:
“It indicates intercourse.”

Q:
“Male sperm?”

A:
“That is the only kind I know.”

Q:
“You said he threatened to kill you.”

A:
“Yes. And he threatened to sue me.”

Q:
“Oh, worse yet.”

Q:
“And lastly, Gary, all your responses must be oral. O.K.?”

A:
“Oral.”

Q:
“How old are you?”

A:
“Oral.”

Q:
“Please state the location of your right foot immediately prior to impact.”

A:
“Immediately before the impact, my right foot was located at the immediate end of my right leg.”

Q:
“Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?”

A:
“All my autopsies have been on dead people.”

Q:
“Now, Mrs. Marsh, your complaint alleges that you have had problems with concentration since the accident. Does that condition continue today?”

A:
“No, not really. I take a stool softener now.”

You’re familiar with these lucky customs. Here’s where they come from.

L
UCKY STAR.
Centuries ago, people believed that every time a person was born, a new star appeared in the sky. The star was tied to the person’s life: it would stay in the sky until the person died, and it rose or fell as the individual’s fortunes rose and fell (that’s where the expression “rising star” comes from). The Hebrew phrase
mazel tov
, which means “good luck,” also translates as “good constellation,” or “may the stars be good to you.”

LUCKY CHARM.
“Charm” comes from the Latin word
carmen
, which means “song” or “incantation.” People once believed that certain words or phrases had magical powers when recited—something which survives today in words like “abracadabra” and “open sesame.” In time, anything that brought luck, not just “magic words,” became known as charms.

STARTING OUT ON THE RIGHT FOOT.
A term from the ancient Romans, who believed that entering a building with the left foot was bad luck. They took the belief to extremes, even stationing guards or “footmen” at the entrances of buildings to make sure every visitor “started out on the right foot.”

THIRD TIME’S A CHARM.
Philip Waterman writes in
The Story of Superstition
, “Of all the numbers in the infinite scale, none has been more universally revered than three.” The Greek philosopher Pythagoras thought the number three was the “perfect number,” and many cultures have used triangles to ward off evil spirits. The reason it’s bad luck to walk under a ladder (aside from the obvious ones) is that you’re “breaking” the triangle that the ladder makes with the ground.

LUCKY SEVEN.
Seven is the sum of three and four, the triangle and the square, which ancient Greeks considered the two “perfect figures.” The lunar cycle, which is 28 days, is divided into four seven-day
quarters: New Moon, First Quarter, Full Moon, and Third Quarter. It may also come from the game of craps, where rolling a seven wins the roll.

LUCKY HUNCHES.
Believe it or not, this is from the days when rubbing a hunchback’s hump was considered good luck. The ancient Egyptians worshipped a hunchbacked god named Bes, and the ancient Romans hired hunchbacks as servants because they thought it brought the household good luck.

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AMAZING LUCK

“In December 1948, Navy Lieutenant Jimmy Carter was on night duty on the bridge of his submarine, the USS
Pomfret
, which was riding on the surface, recharging its batteries. Suddenly, an enormous wave crashed over Carter’s head and across the sub. Unable to keep his hold on the railing, Carter found himself swimming inside the wave with no sense of what was up or down. Had the current been broadside, he would have been lost. By pure chance, the wave set Carter down on the submarine’s gun turret thirty feet from the bridge. He felt he was watched over by Providence, and said, ‘I don’t have any fear at all of death.’”

—Oh Say Can You See
, by John and Claire Whitcomb

“In March 1997, the Sunday
Oklahoman
profiled Oklahoma City homemaker Mary Clamser, 44, whose deterioration with multiple sclerosis had been abruptly halted in 1994 when lightning struck her house while she was grasping metal objects with each hand and wearing her metal leg brace....

“Suddenly, she began walking easily, and though doctors told her the condition was probably only temporary, she still walks easily today. As if that weren’t enough good luck, Clamser, in order to fly to California for a TV interview in April 1995, was forced to cancel a local appointment she had made at the Oklahoma City federal building for 9 a.m. on April 19.”

—News of the Weird

Everyone’s amused by tales of outrageous blunders—probably because it’s comforting to know that someone’s screwing up even worse than we are. So go ahead and feel superior for a few minutes.

W
ANT FRIES WITH THAT?

“The building of a new staff canteen in 1977 gave the U.S. Department of Agriculture the opportunity to commemorate a famous nineteenth-century Colorado pioneer.

“Amidst a blaze of enthusiastic publicity, the Agriculture Secretary, Robert Bergland, opened The Alfred Packer Memorial Dining Facility, with the words: ‘Alfred Packer exemplifies the spirit and care that this agriculture department cafeteria will provide.’

“Several months later the cafeteria was renamed when it was discovered that Packer had been convicted of murdering and eating five prospectors in 1874.”

—The Book of Heroic Failures

NEXT TIME, ORDER OUT

“Astronomers using the radio telescope at Parkes Observatory in Australia thought they had important evidence of alien life when they picked up a distinctive radio signal at 2.3 to 2.4 gigahertz every evening about dinnertime. They later discovered that the signal was coming from the microwave oven downstairs.”

—Strange Days #2

VICTOR VICTORIA

“An unidentified, 31-year-old man was sentenced to 20 lashes in Tehran [Iran] in October after a prank backfired.