Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader (47 page)
Read Uncle John's Great Big Bathroom Reader Online
Authors: Bathroom Readers' Institute
If you’re not buying, don’t ask.
Stop shouting. Can’t you see I’m eating?
It’s not my fault.
We haven’t opened yet. Wait awhile.
I’m not in charge. Don’t ask me so many questions.
Didn’t I tell you? How come you don’t get it?
Don’t push me.
If you want it, speak up; if you don’t, get out of the way.
Don’t talk so much. Say it quickly.
You’re asking me? Whom should I ask?
Don’t stand in the way.
Why don’t you have the money ready?
Woof! If your dog lives to age 11, you’ll have spent more than $13,000 on him/her.
They’re just little fishes, but piranhas can turn you into a skeleton in a few seconds flat. Nice thought, huh?
T
HE NAME.
The word “piranha” comes from the Tupi language of South America and means “toothed fish.” In some local dialects of the Amazon region, the name for common household scissors is also “piranha.”
NOT A SHARK.
A piranha only has one row of upper and lower teeth, not several, as many sharks do. But its teeth are sharper than almost any shark teeth. When the piranha snaps them together, says one expert, “the points in the upper row fit into the notches of the lower row, and the power of the jaw muscles is such that there is scarcely any living substance save the hardest ironwood that will not be clipped off.” Natives often use the teeth as cutting blades.
FISHING TIP.
Piranhas are capable of biting through a fishing net. If caught on a hook, they usually die from the injury. So a good way to “bring them in alive” is to throw a chunk of meat in the water. The fish will bite into it so hard that you can lift bunches of them out of the water before they let go.
BEHAVIOR.
Some things that attract piranhas are blood and splashing. Experts disagree over whether the fish will attack a calm, uninjured person, but piranhas are definitely territorial. That’s why Amazon fishermen know that if they catch a piranha, they’d better try another spot if they expect to catch anything else.
DEADLY DIET.
Surprisingly, only a few species of piranha are meat-eaters; many eat fruits and other plants that fall into the river. But those meat-eaters can do exactly what you think they can. In the 19th century, for example, Teddy Roosevelt wrote about his adventures along the Amazon. He claimed to have seen piranhas quickly make a skeleton of a man who had fallen off his horse and into the river.
Harry S Truman was the last president with no college degree.
More proof that crime doesn’t pay.
G
IVING HIM THE SLIP
SAN FRANCISO, Ca.—“Talk about dumb, here’s a beaut....A would-be San Francisco bank robber recently cased two different banks. He even picked up a deposit slip at one of them. But his carefully planned robbery began to fall apart when he presented a holdup note—written on the Bank of America deposit slip he’d picked up—to a teller at Wells Fargo.
“‘Sorry, this is a Bank of America slip; we can’t honor this. Why don’t you try them? They’re just down the street,’ a quick-thinking teller said.
“Off went the robber to try his luck at the other bank.
“The teller called the cops, who happily greeted the would-be robber a few minutes later with open arms (and handcuffs) as he walked in the door.”
—San Francisco Chronicle
, Jan. 7, 1996
HOW DID YOU KNOW?
PITTSBURGH, Pa.—“MacArthur Wheeler, 46, was sentenced to 24 years in prison in Pittsburgh last month, a conviction made possible by clear photography from the bank’s surveillance camera. Wheeler and his partner did not wear masks and, in fact, were not concerned about the camera at all, because they had rubbed lemon juice all over their faces beforehand, believing the substance would blur their on-camera images.”
—Medford, Oregon
Mail Tribune
, February 22, 1996
BOOK ’EM!
BUFFALO, Okla.—“The only explanation police have is that the two teenagers must have gotten the bank mixed up with the library.
“It’s the first attempted library robbery I ever heard of,” policeman Ray Dawson said Thursday. Dawson said the teenagers held out an empty pillow case and told the library attendant, Tut it in.’
In ancient Greece, if a woman watched even one Olympic event, she was executed.
‘“Put what in?’ the attendant asked.
‘“The money. Put it in and nobody’ll get hurt,’ the youth demanded.
“The attendant, who said there was less than $1 in collected library fines in his petty cash box, ran out the door and escaped. The teenagers were arrested hours later in Garden City, Kansas.”
—United Press International, 1975
OH,
THAT
WANDSWORTH, England—“On July 20, 1979, an armed robber dashed into a little grocery store and told the proprietor ‘Give me the money from your till or I will shoot.’ The owner was perplexed. ‘Where’s your gun?’ he asked. There was an awkward silence....Then the robber replied that he didn’t actually have a gun, but if the owner gave him any trouble, he’d go out and get one and come back. After a moment, the crook quietly left.”
—The Return of Heroic Failures
RIGHT ON SCHEDULE
VERNON, British Columbia—“Raymond Cuthbert entered a drugstore in Vernon, and announced that he and his partner would be back in half an hour to rob the place. Employees called the Royal Canadian Mounted Police, who arrested Cuthbert and Robert Phimister when they returned as promised.”
—Dumb, Dumber, Dumbest
COPS
AND
ROBBERS
CHICAGO, Ill.—“Terry Johnson had no trouble identifying the two men who burglarized her Chicago apartment at 2:30 A.M. on August 17, 1981. All she had to do was write down the number of the police badge that one of them was wearing and the identity number on the fender of their squad car. The two officers—Stephen Webster, 33, and Tyrone Pickens, 32—had actually committed the crime in full uniform, while on duty, using police department tools.”
—Crime/16 Stupid Thieves
In 1948 four men took a cow to the top of the Matterhorn. They all froze to death.
As
we pointed out in the last
Bathroom Reader,
“political correctness” isn’t as bad as it’s made out to be—after all, there’s nothing wrong with becoming more sensitive to people’s feelings. On the other hand, people can get pretty outrageous with their ideas of what’s “appropriate.” Here are seven real-life examples of politically correct—or “incorrect”—behavior. How sensitive are you? Can you spot the “correct” one? (Answers on
page 462
.)
1
.
In 1997, the “Beetle Bailey” comic strip moved toward political correctness when cartoonist Mort Walker wrote a story in which...
a) Cookie began offering vegetarian meals.
b) Sarge apologized for calling Beetle “dehumanizing” names.
c) After taking sensitivity training, General Halftrack admitted to being “sexist.”
2
.
In 1993, Hempstead, Texas school officials banned pregnant girls from their high school’s sixteen-member cheerleading squad. Then they rescinded the rule because...
a) They would have been illegally discriminating against the four pregnant cheerleaders on the squad.
b) An angry cheerleader threatened to sue them for not providing birth control.
c) Church groups picketed the school, protesting the implication that cheerleading causes pregnancy.
3
.
In February 1998, it was announced that the latest group to take offense at “insensitive” language was...
a) British sanitation workers, who objected to being called “garbage men.”
b) Barroom bouncers in New York City, who began a letter-writing campaign to local newspapers to get them to use the term “crowd control engineers.”
c) Meat shop owners in France, who objected to newspapers describing murderers as “butchers.”
The U.S. has more bagpipe bands than Scotland does.
4
.
Political correctness goes both ways. In 1962, for example, a woman wrote to the Sears, Roebuck and Co. Catalog (then the world’s largest) and complained that the women modeling maternity lingerie...
a) Should not be on display unless they are really pregnant.
b) Weren’t wearing wedding rings.
c) Should be holding baby bottles, to take the focus off their breasts.
5
.
More reverse political correctness. In 1996, a Laurens, South Carolina man told reporters that he was shocked local African-Americans were so prejudiced. What was he referring to?
a) Their objection to a local school’s “slave auction” fundraising event.
b) Their objections to a Ku Klux Klan “museum and apparel store.”
c) Their objections to “flesh-colored” crayons being used in classrooms, and their insistence that “black” crayons be referred to as “flesh-colored” also.
6
.
At the University of Pennsylvania, a woman was asked to leave a meeting of a group called “White Women Against Racism” because...
a) She protested that the initials in the group’s name spell out WAR (WWAR).
b) She was black.
c) She was a transsexual.
7
.
When Connecticut’s Canine Control Office issued dog tags in the shape of a fire hydrant...
a) Firefighters objected that it ridiculed their profession.
b) Women called the office to object that it discriminated against female dogs.
c) Church groups called the office and complained that the tag’s shape resembled a male sex organ.
If you could drive your car straight up in the air, you’d reach outer space in an hour.
Here’s even more info for zoo-lovers and animal watchers.
W
ATCHING GORILLAS
Gorillas are highly intelligent, social animals. Groups are led by a dominant “silverback” male. Gorillas were once thought to be ferocious people-eating beasts. In reality, they’re peaceful vegetarians.
Behavior:
Chest beating.
What It Means:
Usually excitement, but it depends on the context. A gorilla could thump his chest in the middle of play, for example, or as part of a threat display. The sound can travel as far as a mile.
Behavior:
“Smiling.” Teeth not bared.
What It Means:
Invitation to play. Gorillas, especially young ones, like to have fun. As a sort of “come and get me” gesture, one gorilla will direct a happy face at another. Within seconds, the two may be chasing each other and wrestling.
Behavior:
Inspecting and picking each other’s skin and hair.
What It Means:
Grooming. This practice is common among primates. It’s important for group hygiene. But it’s just as important for social bonding. You can learn a lot about the social structure of a gorilla group by observing who grooms whom.
Behavior:
Various sounds.
What They Mean:
All gorillas enjoy a good belch to express satisfaction with a meal. The silverback does most of the specialized vocalizing. He grunts when he wants to call the group together. He gives a call that sounds something like a dog’s bark when he wants to hurry the group along to a different spot.
Behavior:
Back riding.
Five oldest words still in use in the English language: Town, priest, earl, this, and ward.
What It Means:
Foreplay. Mother gorillas will carry their babies on
their backs. Among grown gorillas, though, playing “horsey” means that the two are definitely an item.
Despite the male gorilla’s reputation as the “Don Juan” of the animal kingdom, it’s typically the female who is more sexually assertive. She’s the one who climbs up onto her mate’s back and rides him like a horse. If you’re lucky enough to see this rare courtship display at a zoo, you won’t need an interpreter to explain what’s going on.
WATCHING GIRAFFES
Giraffes are the tallest land mammals, measuring 15–17 feet (male) or 13-15 feet (female) from horn tip to toe. Our fascination with these animals is nothing new. In ancient times, a giraffe was transported 2,000 miles along the Nile from southern Africa to a royal zoo in Egypt.
Behavior:
Neck held erect while walking.
What It Means:
Dominance. You can pick out the dominant bull from the rest of the herd by its proud walk. The other giraffes, in comparison, hold their necks lower, at an angle.
