Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (2 page)

CHAPTER 17

TILL DUMB DO US PART

Goin' to the Chapel and We're Gonna Steal the Candleholders

A Hot Time in the Old Car

Inappropriate Use of Limos Abounds!

He'll Be Shopping for a Radiator Grille

What? No Kid Named After Colonel Tom Parker?

Maybe Catering Next Time?

A New Spin on the “Shotgun Wedding”

A Fishy Domestic Dispute

CHAPTER 18

TIPS FOR STUPID CRIMINALS

Don't Leave a Paper Trail

Don't Forget About the Dye Pack

Don't Be Early to Your Robbery

Air Vents and Criminals Don't Mix

Know Your Technology

Know the Law in Your Jurisdiction

Pssst . . . They Can See You on the Internet

Make Sure Your Fake Badge Doesn't Say Something Stupid

Just Take the Wallet and Run

Hey Big Spender, Try Laying Low for a While

Don't Moon Over Your Sentence

The Police Hang Out at the Courthouse

Try Knocking First

Thou Shalt Not Steal—Especially from God

Keep It Down

CHAPTER 19

TRAVEL TRAVAILS

Naptime at 36,000 Feet

Things Not to Leave in Your Rental Car

Airport Insecurity

In Man vs. Train, Bet on the Train

Step Outside, Then Free Fall

Empty Vessels

Report the News, Don't Make It

We're Sorry, This Is a No-Slapping Flight

Don't Rush Me

The Really Stupid Quiz

DIM BULBS IN BRIGHT LIGHTS

Dumb and Dumber

This Is Spinal Tap

Fast Times at Ridgemont High

Being There

Zoolander

Bill & Ted's Excellent Adventure

Dude, Where's My Car?

Forrest Gump

Wayne's World

THE ANNALS OF ILL-ADVISED TELEVISION

Emeril

The Secret Diary of Desmond Pfeiffer

Pink Lady . . . and Jeff

You're in the Picture

My Mother the Car

The Chevy Chase Show

Coupling

XFL

Cop Rock

Supertrain

Answers

The Last Page

This is the second book in the
Dumb
series, and I'm pleased to note that it was as much fun the second time around as it was the first time (how often can you say that about anything?). Here are some of the people who helped to make it so.

First, big thanks to my Beta Readers, who took a look at the raw articles and offered grammar and story suggestions. Most particularly, thanks to (in no particular order) Richard Jones, Duncan McGregor, Zeynep Dilli, Dave Ciskowski, Tony Dismukes, David Hodson, Christopher Nelson, Kevin Hicks, Laurel Halbany, and Aaron Brown. Once again, I'm sure a few names have slipped my mind—I beg forgiveness.

Much of the research for this book was done via the Internet—an obscure computing network that many people don't know about, but which I think will be big one day. You heard it here first. Yet again, the site that was the biggest help in gathering stories was
FARK.com
, whose tireless band of Farkers post crazy stories of people doing insane things at all hours of the day and night. To proprietor Drew Curtis and his merry crew, I reiterate my claims of much rockage. France surrenders. Your dog wants steak. Still no cure for cancer. Many thanks.

At Portable Press, editor Amy Briggs was paid to put up with me, and I'm sure they didn't pay her enough for what I put her through. Many thanks to her for giving the book
structure and focus. Thanks also to JoAnn Padgett, Allen Orso, Kristen Marley, and Mana Monzavi, fine people all.

My wife Kristine and daughter Athena make this universe a better place to be in, and whenever I marveled at the absolutely inane things people do with themselves, as I of course frequently did in writing this book, it was nice to be able to look to them for counterbalance. All my love to them, today, tomorrow, and on and on.

Welcome to the world of the dumb. Again.

In this second foray into a place where bizarre events occur, the odd is commonplace, the eccentric is everyday, the weird is a walk in the park, and people definitely DO do the strangest things in the strangest places—they still all share one thing in common. No matter what the occasion or location—when these folks came to the party, they all checked their brains at the door.

Thanks to the verbal prestidigitations of John Scalzi, Uncle John's very own ringmaster of the absurd, we think that their faults, foibles, mistakes, and misdemeanors make for some pretty darned interesting reading. Sit back, relax, and read all about:

   
•
  
Setting off fireworks, indoors;

   
•
  
Mixing polar bears and cookies;

   
•
  
Drinking mystery fizz from chemistry class;

   
•
  
Breaking out of jail for a beer run; and many, many more!

These stories are like potato chips; bet you can't read just one . . . and we hope you enjoy them down to the last crumb. They're a no-fat, zero-carb snack for your brain.

Bon appetit,

Uncle Al

Publisher

I'm going to let you all in on a secret: When writing a book like
Book of the Dumb 2,
the question is not:
Will I find enough stuff to write an entire book?
The question is:
Aaaaaugh! There's
too much
stuff! What do I choose?

It's no joke. Every day during the writing of this book there would be eight, ten, or even twelve stories I'd read that would be a truly excellent fit for
Book of the Dumb 2.
It's an embarrassment of riches. This is good for us, the people who make the book, but at the same time it also makes us wonder about the sort of world we're living in. Well, we'll let someone else bother with the philosophical and sociological ramifications of such an avalanche of dumbosity. For us, and for this book, we just want to have fun with it all.

And so:
Book of the Dumb 2,
with its stories lovingly hand-picked for their extra special dumbness. I'm proud to say that once again, the stories and the people in them run the gamut, from common thieves to uncommon celebrities, from the very smart (who should know better) to the very, well,
not
smart. As I mentioned in the introduction to the first book, it's not just “stupid” people who do dumb things. Everybody does them. They are the great leveler in our world. Dumb moves are perhaps the most democratic expression of the human condition we have. Also, they're good for a laugh. You can't beat that.

Those of you who are picking up this book without having read the first
Book of the Dumb
don't need to worry—this
book is self-contained, so jump right in and enjoy it. Those of you who
did
read the first
Book of the Dumb,
however, will notice a couple of changes. Most obviously, the book is now arranged by chapters—so if you want to just read stories about people behind the wheel or getting stupid with fire, you don't have to hunt through the book: they're all in one place for you. And there are other new bits as well:

   
•
  
Dim Bulbs In Bright Lights
: A collection of films featuring famously dumb characters: From Jeff Spicoli to the dudes from
Dude, Where's My Car?,
all your favorite cinematic idiots are here.

   
•
  
The Annals of Ill-Advised Television
: You know how every year, there are some TV series where you just look at them and think:
how on earth did THAT get on the air?
This is a celebration of those shows. We've got shows that should have killed off the whole broadcast medium, yet somehow strangely did not.

All of this on top of favorite features from the first book: The Really Stupid Quizzes, and Tips for Stupid Criminals. And of course, many, many tales of dumbness that you have every right to expect from a book entitled
Book of the Dumb 2.

Have fun with the book, and remember: don't
ever
let any of these things happen to you.

Enjoy!

—John Scalzi

Higher Education—they say it's about making everyone smarter, but the following adventures seem to indicate otherwise. So sit back and thrill to the adventures of the following collegians, who while they may not graduate
Summa Cum Laude
, may graduate
Summa Cum Dummy
, if they graduate at all. And for all you folks in college right now: do any of this stuff, and your folks will instantly cut off your tuition. And that would be pretty darn terrible.

 

T
here are scavenger hunts, and then there are scavenger hunts.
And then there is the annual University of Chicago Scavenger Hunt, the biggest, baddest hunt of them all. Nationally recognized, every year the judges of the scavenger hunt—part of an official student group at the university—present a list of some of the strangest objects and most bizarre tasks that humans can legally find or do. Students from the University of Chicago then get them or perform them in front of judges. The whole shebang takes just three days, but the side effects last a lifetime. Below you'll find some choice selections from recent U. of C. Scavenger Hunt lists. You have to be smart to do stuff this dumb:

       
•
  
Find the tallest person you can find. Seriously. As simple as that. The team that presents the judges with the tallest person gets the points. Also, throw in the hairiest chest, the biggest ears, the longest tongue, the worst tanline, the webbedest toes, the longest eyelashes, the most nipples, the longest hair, the longest nails, and the most different-colored eyes. Everything must be real, and it goes without saying that bonus points are awarded if one person has all of these aesthetic features.

       
•
  
At the sound of the whistle, load your mouth with sunflower seeds. Get the kernels on the inside and save them somewhere in your mouth. After five
minutes the person with the most unbroken kernels and no shells in their mouth is the winner.

       
•
  
Find an out-of-order sign that is out of order. No infinite regressions.

       
•
  
Welcome Sam Ertal of the Pennington High School to the U. of C. class of 2008 with a singing telegram. Face to face. (Poor Sam!)

       
•
  
“Hand-sync” Billy Joel's “We Didn't Start the Fire,” in sign language, five people max, live performances (accompanying the not-live song) only.

       
•
  
Build a working Erector-set model of the reproductive system.

       
•
  
Locate a urinal coffee cake. (Use your imagination.)

       
•
  
Do a handstand while wearing a helmet affixed to (as many as possible) those cups that make a sound of a bleating sheep when inverted.