Uncle John's Presents Book of the Dumb 2 (9 page)

Sources: Associated Press

 

Y
es, we know. All fizzy things look so
tasty.
But tell that to “Tim,” a junior from Odessa, Texas, who was presented with a flask of something from the chemistry lab by his alleged friends and bet $2 that he wouldn't drink from it. Well, two bucks is two bucks, and a bet's a bet, right? Tim thought so and took a swig. Was it refreshing? Yes, if you define “refreshing” as “causing one to bleed from the nose and mouth,” which was how Tim was found later in the school's hallway. Alas, he did not have a Coke and a smile.

What was it he drank? They weren't sure. “We need to find out what it was from the toxicologist,” assistant principal Ray Lascano told the local press. “All of those materials belonged to one of the chemistry labs.” And generally what's kept in a chemistry class are chemicals, most of which are not meant to be ingested. You want to ingest chemicals, go down the hall to the cafeteria. Those chemicals, at least, aren't likely to make you bleed from the mouth. (Unless it's the tacos; watch out, those tortillas can be pointy.)

Tim didn't die, but he spent time in a pediatric intensive care unit before he got sent home. Hopefully with the $2 he won he can afford to buy himself a clue. Or at least some friends who won't try to slip him toxic fizz.

Sources: Associated Press

 

A
kio,” an unassuming fellow from Tondabayashi, Osaka Prefecture, Japan,
just wanted to watch some adult entertainment, but didn't want his family to know about it. So there he was, with the XXX title he had rented from the local video store and no place to watch it. But then Akio had an idea. There was a video player at his place of employment—he could just watch it there! What a great idea.

Two problems. First of all, Akio's place of employment was a junior high school where he was a teacher. Most work places frown on employees using office equipment to indulge themselves, but watching that kind of film in a place where twelve-year-olds come to learn is a big ol' no-no. But perhaps Akio was under the impression that if he were careful, then he wouldn't have a problem. Like must dummies, he thought he wouldn't get caught.

Second problem: the thing about pornography is that it does tend to cloud one's judgment, as it did with Akio. After he had snuck in a few minutes of his adult video in the science room of his school, he left the room—and the tape in the VCR, where it was discovered a few minutes later when a class filed in to use the science room and also the video player. We don't know what the class was expecting to learn that day, but what they got was a few minutes of explicit sex education. Akio got slapped with a one-month pay cut. Wonder how he'll explain
that
at home.

Source:
Daily News
(Mainichi, Japan)

 

O
ne of the problems people have with nature
is that they simply don't
get
that nature is just itchin' to kill them at the first opportunity. Nature is a famously cruel and unforgiving instructor, something the schoolteachers and students in this story failed to appreciate.

On that note, we're on our way to Scotland, to Meall a' Bhuachaille, a 2,500-foot hill north of Loch Morlich, in the Cairngorms National Park. “Meall a' Bhuachaille” means “Shepherd's Hill,” which sounds pleasant enough, and it's not like 2,500 feet seems very high, right? But as the members of the Cairngorm Mountain Rescue Team will be happy to tell you, get lost and alone on Shepherd's Hill, and you're just a good storm away from being a hikersicle. That's why you take proper hiking clothing, some provisions, a compass, and ways to signal for help.

None of which the hiking party from the Beth Jacob Teachers' Training Seminary in east London bothered with before they set out to hike the hill in early July 2004. The hiking party consisted of nearly forty 16- and 17-year-old girls led by a single teacher; the girls' attire consisted of their school uniform and sneakers, and the teacher led them without so much as map.

So naturally, the mist rolled in (in July? Believe it—there had been snow on the summit of the hill until mid-June, and a week before the temperature on the summit had gone well below freezing), and the hiking party became irretrievably lost. Not to mention the cold—some of the girls took to wrapping themselves in trash bags for warmth. As one rescuer later put
it, they were “only a rain shower away from death,” which is the last place you expect to be on a July afternoon.

The teacher eventually did find a way to signal for help—by borrowing a cell phone from one of her students to dial 999 (the UK equivalent of 911). Even then, the members of the Cairngorm Mountain Rescue Team had a difficult time locating the hiking group because of the mist, bad cell connections, and of course, the group's having no idea where they were. When the rescue team finally
did
locate them, the girls in the group were (can you believe it?) rather snippy: “What took you so long? We called for help 45 minutes ago,” one of them reportedly said.

John Allen, who led the Rescue Team, was so appalled at the situation that he went on record to the press to commemorate the group's dumbassery: “I have never seen so many people so ill-equipped,” he said to reporters. “Neither the teacher nor the girls had any idea of what they were doing or how much danger they were in. I hate to criticize people who enjoy hill walking and I very rarely do it, but this was probably the worst case I have ever encountered and I hope that by condemning the school and the teacher something useful will come out of it.”

By all indications, however, it probably won't. “We were a bit worried lost in the mist, but it cleared up. I don't see what the fuss is all about,” said one of the girls, after she had gotten down off the mountain. Well, take her back up the mountain, we say. She'll figure out what the fuss was about soon enough. Nature will take care of
that.

Source:
Scotsman.com
,
The Daily Record
(UK),
The Telegraph
(UK)

We know, we know: chronicling governmental goofs is like shooting fish in a barrel. But it's a barrel you paid for. You paid for the fish, too. So, you know, someone ought to have the fun of shooting. Why not us? Not that we're actually advocating shooting at the government. That would be wrong. (Please governments, don't lock us up. We're merely being metaphorical, here.) So do your civic duty and read on to see just what those tax dollars are paying for.

 

W
hat happens when you give a U.S. federal civil servant a charge card?
Most of the time, they use it for what it's supposed to be used for: gas for cars on government business, staples, a computer monitor or two for the office. You know. The usual.

But of course, not everyone plays nice with their government-supplied credit cards, paid off with your tax dollars (presuming you're an American taxpayer). In a 2004 audit of government credit card use, here are some of the credit card doozies the GAO uncovered:

       
•
  
A navy employee spent more than $130,000 on cars, a motorbike, and breast implants. Yes, the credit card spending went to her head, but your tax dollars went to her chest.

       
•
  
An employee at the Department of Defense ran a little scam with a family member to make fake purchases through a sham company. They caught her only after $1.7 million in purchases went through. That's government efficiency for you!

       
•
  
After being asked to explain the purchase of a stuffed deer head, one credit card holder explained it was to teach military personnel about the local animal life.

       
•
  
Another justified the purchase of a trio of global positioning systems because the cardholder just kept getting lost.

       
•
  
How are navy engineers learning about robotics? To hear one card holder explain it, through the purchase of a couple hundred dollars worth of Lego toys.

       
•
  
And finally, some credit for not insulting the intelligence of the auditor: when one government card holder was asked to explain why there was a need to buy a $250 day planner from designer Louis Vuitton instead on one you can pick up for $12 at Staples, the card holder responded: “Personal preference.” Well, you know. When someone else is buying, that'd be
our
personal preference, too.